Come on Christmas Miracle!

Come on, Christmas Miracle!!! Please don't lose momentum now!!! While I know what an amazing and joyous miracle it is to have Ty here with us this Christmas (and that alone is truly a miracle), I am asking everyone to please keep Ty in your prayers and ask God to allow his healing miracle to continue for many, many, many more Christmases to come. May his cancer never, ever, ever, ever come back.

We went to the hospital today for Ty's bi-weekly check-up and infusion. We woke up early so we could participate in a Christmas party that was being held on the pediatric floor. When I took Ty to the bathroom before getting in the car, he was unable to hold himself up on his own two feet. This is a drastic change from yesterday, which is always alarming. I laid him down to change his pants and I saw him reaching over with his right hand to pull up his left arm, which was otherwise limp. He gave me a look like, "huh, that's weird" and I gave a calm but urgent call out to Lou to come and see what was going on. Ty was so incredibly weak on his left side this morning that the two of us could barely focus the entire rush-hour ride into the city. It doesn't make sense. "What could this possibly be other than cancer?" is the only natural thought that was running through our heads over and over and over again.

His doctor simply couldn't explain it. Once again, Ty has stumped everyone. Of course, they ordered an immediate CT scan to check for any tumor activity. Lou and I were sick all morning in anticipation of the scan. Time was standing still. We put on our best smiles for Ty, and for the sake of Christmas and all of the hard work everyone was putting into the party, but I made eye contact with countless people throughout the day who were wondering why my eyes kept filling up with tears. I am still not over it.  Ty, on the other hand, seems to have no idea.  He was happy as could be today!!  He had so much fun and was smiling from ear to ear all day.  He has such an incredible spirit, I am so in love with that little boy. 

The good news is, the scan didn't show any tumor. Partial exhale, thank you, God.  There is one questionable area on the brainstem, but we need an MRI in order to draw any conclusions whatsoever about what's going on there. So, instead of January 4th, Ty's next MRI has been bumped up to Thursday, December 29th. Christmas and all of the fun we have planned over the next week should help Lou and I hold it together until then. Not knowing for sure is better than hearing those words we are most fearful of. I hate the uncertainty, but I hate bad news much, much, more. I am okay with this for now and I am trying to remain confident that the scan on Thursday will remain clean.

I am so tired of playing this guessing game. I don't want to try and laugh it off while saying things like, "Ty has broken the rules again, and no one knows what all of this means! His doctors just can't keep up with him <insert smiley face>." In reality, there's nothing amusing about this. There is no smiley face to insert. Watching every symptom... tracking his every movement with scrutiny... banging my head against a wall hoping for an epiphany that explains it all (other than a relapse)... feeling so sorry for him when I see him lose some of the independence he's been working so hard for because he can't get around again.... it's literally eating me up inside. Or, rather, it's more like I'm suffering from a very slow and deadly bleed that keeps me teetering on the brink of consciousness. I am losing it a little over here.

When we were waiting for our CT appointment, we had about 1/2 hour to kill. I told Lou I wanted to take Ty across the street to Saint Catherine's church. I'm so glad we did. It was surprisingly warm outside and while I was sitting in the pew I saw the priest who helped me back in May when I stammered through the church doors in hysterics. He recognized us immediately and was so happy to see Ty looking so well. I told Father Jordan about the upcoming CT and he blessed Ty and told me "he's gonna be okay." I believe him. I do, with all of my heart. I know you all believe, too. Thank you for that.

Goodnight, everyone.  Hoping to report that Ty is stronger tomorrow, or at least the same. 
XOXOXOXOXOXO,