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Showing posts from December, 2012

Missing my baggage

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I was the first to fall asleep tonight, yet here I am, writing, trying to soothe me back to sleep by getting some thoughts on virtual paper instead of leaving them all swimming around up in this crazy head. Lou always used to put Ty to bed.  Even before he got sick, that was his alone time with Ty after work and it was great for me so I could do the dishes, straighten up and care for baby Ga-Ga.  Since Ty passed away, he has been putting Gavin to bed and I love it.  I'm glad they have that time, and I'm glad for the peace and quiet I have during that time, too.  The only bad think is that Lou falls asleep in Gavin's bed almost every night.  When I try to wake him he is so disoriented he often goes straight to bed.  Tonight I had to put Gavin to bed while Lou was out dealing with all this snow, and I did the same thing.  He found me snoozing in the bunk bed at 9:30PM and it was glorious.  I told him I wanted to go straight to bed, but decided to wait for him for 30 minutes

Christmas is over - now I can exhale

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Not that today feels much better than yesterday, but I do admit I am happy that Christmas is over.  I don't think it can possibly get easier as the years go by.  How can I do anything but think of Ty the entire day?  When it is a day filled with presents, candy, cake and Santa Clause.  All of his favorite things in the entire world.  Christmas became magical again the first time we had a baby of our own to celebrate with, and now that baby is gone.  He was our greatest gift.  Never would we have imagined he would leave us so soon.  Or that he would suffer so much in his short life.  I keep thinking about that first Christmas with him.  We were on top of the world.  Nothing could be better.  We were just so in love and so happy.  I miss him more than words can possibly explain.  I love him greater than any other love. I do believe that Gavin, on the other hand, had a wonderful Christmas and that's really all that matters.  Now, everything is for him.  It was too good, I think,

Christmas and the Crazy Lady

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I am a crazy lady.  I really am. One of the childhood cancer statistics that especially rings true is the one about the parents... 51% of moms and 40% of dads suffer acute stress disorder within the first two weeks of a cancer diagnosis.  Almost two and a half years later, my stress disorder and emotional instability is far from acute.  It is chronic. So I have been calling myself "the crazy lady" for a long time now, and today I finally realized that I really, truly am nuts.  Sometimes all I want is to be alone, but every single time I am I go off the deep end.  I am almost embarrassed to retell my story of the day, but at this point why hold anything back? We had an awesome morning.  Gavin slept late (which means we all slept late) and we played in our PJ's until after noon.  The only tears that escaped were over breakfast, when Gavin announced, completely unprompted, "I miss Ty."  I choked a bit when I answered, "me, too."  Overall, we were havi

Begging for a do-over

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The moment Ty was born, I experienced the biggest crush I ever had in my life - times infinity.  And that pure and giddy love never faded or became routine.  He always amazed me and continues to do so.  I was in awe just watching his every move (or his motionless, slightly pursed lips when he slept).  When I returned to work, there was nothing I enjoyed more than picking him up from Sissy's at the end of the day.  Nothing.  He always made everything better, no matter what.  He was everything happy and sunny and perfect. When Gavin was born, I didn't think I had room in my heart to love him as much, but instead of squeezing him in, my heart simply doubled in size.  And it continued to grow with every interaction between them.  I was so in love with them both, and so happy they had each other.  Gavin and Ty completed me, and they completed each other.  Goofballs.  Best friends forever. I feel like Gavin is so alone now.  He needs someone to dress up and run around the hous

Extreme Home (office) Makeover

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In one of the stars I shall be living In one of them I shall be laughing And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night - The Little Prince It goes without saying that the tragedy in Newtown, CT pains me beyond comprehension. I really can't talk much about it because there are no words, but I felt I had to acknowledge it since I was away when it happened and very disconnected to the world and all that was going on.  In my head, I try to imagine Ty among those children in heaven -- dancing, playing and laughing so loud.  Still, it doesn't bring much comfort, nor does it help me understand the tragedy of any senseless loss.  I've seen a lot of similar posts on Facebook today, and wanted to share this one in particular.    Let’s tip the scale of good and evil in our world. Like many people, I am having so much trouble getting beyond this horrific tragedy.  What has occurred cannot be changed, but I can promise myse

It's a Little Closer to Heaven Here

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Lou and I have spent the last four days in one of the most beautiful places in the world.  You need to breathe the air and see the mountains out your window to understand the magnitude of the beauty here.  I'm happy we did this.  Lou and I really needed to get away, and this was the perfect place.  That's not me or Lou in this pictures and I didn't take it, either.  I am way too busy worrying about falling when I am snowboarding:) I just thought this picture from Whistler really shows how amazing it is out there on this mountain.  Of course, we are thinking of Ty every second. When we arrived here I was thinking about how hard it would have been for Ty this year because he was so disabled compared to our trip to the mountain in Vermont last year. I was flooded with memories of our family trip to Okemo less than a year ago. Some of you might remember that he was sitting upright and we even brought him snowtubing. The photo of him, his famous one on top of this websit

Wow. He really is with me

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I never post twice in one day like this, but I'll never sleep if I don't share what just happened.  I told you that my emotions are the worst when all is quiet.  Well, tonight everyone was off to bed but me... frantically wiping kitchen counters and straightening up the house so I can exhale feeling prepared before we leave first thing tomorrow morning.  Of course, thoughts of TY consumed my mind.  I just can't stop thinking about him, especially when I'm alone.  As I was spreading the mayo on Gavin's sandwich for school tomorrow I just impulsively said "Hi Ty," outloud.  That was followed by an awkward glance up for no reason at all.  Wouldn't you know who greeted me right at that very second?  A ladybug.  On my ceiling.  AGAIN.  In the middle of winter on a freezing cold night.  I climbed a chair to get a picture and she just crawled closer to me until she was practically looking right into my eyes.  I love that ladybug.  The signs I get from Ty ar

There will never be enough

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Every day it's more and more real.  Ty is gone.  Before this happened, Lou and I tried so hard to make sure we captured our memories.  We took so many pictures and so many videos.  I saved everything he ever drew, and when he couldn't draw I saved the stickers we did, or the other arts and crafts Ty helped me with as I pulled his arm over to the paper, or the beads, or whatever it was he wanted to make.  I saved his clothes, his toys, his favorite things and I look at them every day.  I keep the door open to Ty's bedroom and I am drawn to it every single time I walk down the hall.  I need to step inside and look around and just remember him and whisper to him and let him know I am thinking of him every single second.  But it's never enough.  We don't have enough pictures, enough videos, or enough anything because we simply don't have him anymore.  We are so sad all the time.  Just looking at this perfect hair - I want to bury my nose in it, run my finger down

Christmas is far from merry, but we're trying

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"Sometimes seeing is believing. But sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see." - Polar Express Christmas sucks. I'm sorry. It's just so unbelievably hard. I love my tree, though. It's so breathtaking. Every time I look at it I am reminded that Ty wouldn't allow us to forget about Christmas. He picked this tree for us when we reluctantly visited the tree farm and half-heartedly cut down any old tree. It is simply magical how perfect it is. It's the biggest and best tree I have ever had in my entire life and as much as I wish Ty was here to see it, I also know with every ounce of my being that it is him who saw it first and chose it for us.  "Chrimpy" (that's how he said "Christmas") was Ty's favorite thing of all. Here is a really, really short video from last Christmas eve when Papa dressed up like Santa. Please look at Ty's initial reaction when he saw Santa. It is amazing.

Update and a bunch of "asks"

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I've noticed so many new things that Gavin does around the house that used to be "Ty's things."  For example, he is dancing sometimes.  Gavin NEVER EVER danced.  And, when he does shake his booty a little bit he tends to lift his elbows and dip his head in a way that I have only seen one other person do it... Ty, of course.  It is so strange to see so much of Ty in Gavin all of a sudden.  They are two very different little boys, don't get me wrong, but just like Gavin adopted a love for superheroes as Ty was leaving this world, he has also taken on some of his physical traits and funny movements. I'm grateful for that. The music in the car kills me.  I tried to tell Gavin that he can't watch a DVD during our 10-minute drive into school because it's ridiculous.  Stubborn boy instead insists that we listen to his kids music.  He wants to hear the CDs that I used to play for Ty religiously.  Sometimes I am happy to play some of Ty's favorites for hi

Reminiscing

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I will probably be doing this all night.  I don't have much to say, but I want to share a few of the photos I am relishing in tonight.  I logged into Snapfish earlier and found some photo albums shared by others.  Can you imagine what a treat that is?  I hope you can't, actually.  I hope you don't understand how truly delightful and how painfully sad it is to be exposed to new photos of your greatest love lost. Photos you've never seen before, even when you spend every single late night looking through photos upon photos upon photos of your own.  I hope you never know how incredibly bittersweet it is to stumble across new pictures like this.  Ty's first birthday The love of my life In the hospital for all the right reasons. Gavin is born! HEHEHE! My adorable little man.   Like I said, I can't say much more than this.  It's late.  I'm tired.  I'm missing Ty too much to talk.    I had a good day today, though.  I worked har

I want you back

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It's all I can think about.  Whenever I have a second to myself, all I say in my head over and over and over again is "I just miss you so much.  I want you back."  Lou and I watched Ty suffer more than anyone knows and because of that, I am relieved my baby is free.  But that doesn't stop the constant panic and need that I feel in my heart.  I long for my baby boy back and the longing is so intense I can't even find the words to describe it. The other day I screamed out loud in the car for what might have been a half hour.   "I love you and I miss you so much, baby!  I just want to hold you!" I yelled.  "To kiss the warm crook of your neck.  To feel your lips against mine.  To have your skinny, bony, beautiful butt attached to my hip. To hear your giggle. To apply your favorite chapstick to your poor, dry lips. To reach my arm back in the car and hold your foot. To stretch out your fingers so I could hold your hand in mine.  To snuggle up to an