Climbing down from the bridge

Thank you, Catherine.  You are right, I need to pull away from the caring bridge before I want to jump off again :)  I had a hard time sleeping this week, which was probably evident in my last post.  I've been consumed with thoughts of some kids who I've known who lost their lives to cancer.  I stare at Ty sleeping and I feel so incredibly lucky, and so guilty, and so scared of the possible reality that his cancer may come back.  I don't believe it will, I promise.  I do believe he is cured forever, and his amazing progress only helps me to know this is true; but it's only natural for my mind to race like it does.  In fact, the thoughts and visions I have of all the other children is spiritual for me.  As if I am somehow connected to these innocent beauties and I am lucky to know them.

Yesterday someone posted a long comment about her own struggles with infertility, and I appreciate how she shared her innermost feelings, I understand and can relate.  There is a post traumatic stress syndrome that is associated with such painful life experiences. I am healing, but I won't ever fully recover.  So thank you, for staying with me through all the ups and downs and always praying for my family.  I don't know what I would do without all of my friends and family, old and new, who have shared this journey with us.

Ty is doing SO WELL lately, I sometimes second guess whether or not I remembered to give him his daily doses of chemo.  This entire week he has been especially strong.  His bloodwork is good this week, and he is scheduled for his next infusion on Wednesday.  At that time, we will also switch his current chemo (Temodar) to start his next cycle of Etoposide.

He is becoming more and more physically active, and he is just increasingly HAPPY!  Less whining, less resistance, less anxiety and fewer questions about his next "pointy" (appointment).  He is sleeping very well with little or no medicine.  And, a lot of his hair on the back of his head started sprouting this week.  I thought it would never return because it has been so long since his last radiation treatment (4 months) but it finally looks promising.  I think the areas where there is permanent damage to the hair follicles will be relatively covered by his other hair if it continues to grow in.  I am so happy for him!  He doesn't care, but someday he might. 

Ty went to preschool Tuesday and Thursday and he was so happy to be back after all this time.  In fact, he didn't want to leave!  He cried so much on the way home Tuesday I had to pull the car over.  He is participating more in class, and he is making friends.  The girls, especially, are so cute.  They have this natural instinct to nurture, even at three years old.  When I get up to help Ty walk, they run over to hold his hands, too.  They want to help.  They want to sit next to him and help him reach for the paint or the crayons.  It is just so stinkin' cute. 

I feel with all my heart that Ty is going to grow up to be an amazing man someday.  He is so special, I am already so proud of the little boy he has become.  May he continue to make me beam with pride, so much so that I annoy my family and friends with my bragging :)  He will do great things.  I believe he is still here for reasons bigger than I am meant to understand.