Showing posts from June, 2016

When an itch is more than an itch.

Physically, I have been feeling great despite my rapid weight gain :)  Every day has been so busy I barely have time to think.  But whenever I get in the car to drive, I am alone with my grief and feeling so terribly sad lately.  Like an itch that can’t be scratched, it is always there, lingering underneath my skin no matter how happy I truly am on the surface.  I think about how, although the idea of having another baby has infused a lot of happiness and anticipation into our lives, the truth remains that Ty’s absence is still so tremendously present.   I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but nothing has changed, not even one bit.   I miss him.   This wasn’t supposed to be my life.   And I would give anything to have HIM back.   It is all I really want.   Yesterday was an emotional afternoon.   I cried driving home from work.   I was wondering what my life would look like if he was still here.   Would he be in a big boy wheelchair with a joystick controller?   Woul

Mourning the Baby Girl I'll Never Have

I was 31 years old when I got pregnant with my first.   What excitement ensued!   I remember checking the baby tracker almost daily to see what was new with the baby that day.   I cheated by reading what to expect in weeks ahead, and I bragged to my husband when he reached the size of a kumquat.   I was obsessed with knowing the gender, even though in my heart I was absolutely certain it was a girl.   I checked with the Chinese baby calendar online to determine the sex, and on my first try I landed on a blue square. I immediately reassured myself.   First of all, this is a silly, meaningless, non-scientific calculator.   Second, I’m not 100% sure about the month I conceived.   It was during a New Year’s eve getaway so maybe it was December instead of January… Let me try that.   Pink square.   Relief. I grew up babysitting so I could make extra cash in my High School days.   In fact, I started when I was 11 years old.   Obviously things were different back then – I was stil