No miracle today. Maybe tomorrow.

Ty's MRI showed that the two new lesions that appeared in his cerebellum two weeks ago are, in fact, tumors.  And, they are growing.  It isn't the news we were praying for, but by no means should anyone lose hope.  Our doctors are still confident that there are good treatment options available, and so are we.

Of course, my heart is heavy, my jaw is clenched and my head is throbbing because of all the times I've held my breath and my tears today.  Lou says that we shouldn't be so surprised.  That maybe we set ourselves up for disappointment by hoping they would go away like the time the "lesions" in his spine did.  I know his point is valid, but I was just so positive and so confident I thought somehow my attitude and my certainty would make it true.  And, in the end maybe it will.  Ty can still beat this, and I am not the only one who thinks so. 

When Ty had his MRI of the spine last week it lasted over an hour and I stayed in the room with him the entire time.  Looking down the tunnel to see his tiny little nose and his big bright eyes looking down back at me, I tried to focus on praying for him. 

Sometimes when my mind gets the best of me, I face conflict when I'm trying to pray.  There are so many children afflicted with cancer, what would make one more deserving of a miracle than another?  And, of course, I want each and every one of these beautiful innocent babies to get better, but if there could be just one miracle please let it be Ty!   I can't help but be selfish, and I hate how selfish I sound when I'm talking to God, but I think he understands.  How could I not be?

So, my mind went off on a tangent over that long, painful hour and several times since. I know there are miracles.  Many of you have even shared your amazing stories with me about how wrong doctors can be, and how your loved ones have beaten the odds.  And, I believe in Ty.  I know it is his own will, strength and determination that has gotten him this far.  But, if there is a miracle to be had… how do WE win the miracle lottery?  How can I "pray harder" so I can be heard?  I'm not even sure I know what that means, to pray harder?  Do I need to be on my knees until they bleed?  Is that more effective than laying in bed or praying in the shower?

I ask God all the time to tell me what I need to do to help Ty be chosen.  I will leave my family and let him live his life without me as long as he can live his life.  I will do whatever I am told I need to do.  I hate myself when I begin making promises (I'll go to church more, I'll be a better person) but sometimes I can't help it.  When I was recently sharing these thoughts with one of my best friends, Nancy, she made me laugh out loud.  She was listening to my prayer dilemma and she said something along these lines:

"Well, Cindy, I love you and the next time you are talking to God, please tell him that I will do anything for Ty's miracle, too!  Tell him that I will even be 400 pounds for the rest of my life.  I swear that I would walk around and live my life as a 400 pound person." (Please note that this is coming from a petite individual).  Nancy, I love you.  I don't think that is the kind of sacrifice God is looking for, but Thank you so much J  I am so lucky to have such great friends who support me and make me laugh through all of this. 

Today's news isn't great, but we are okay.  Ty will begin chemotherapy in about 2 weeks, and there has been reported success with the treatment he will be getting amongst patients with ATRTs (Atypical Rhabdoid Tumors).  Although the pathology on Ty's particular cancer isn't exactly the same as an ATRT, it behaves very similarly so we hope this will bring positive results.  In the meantime, he is singing and laughing more and more.  He is amazing!  I haven't seen him looking and feeling this good in months and it fills our whole house with warmth and white light.  The Campbell's are going to get through this. 

Love to you all.  Thank you for caring so much.