Keeping it together

Ty has been sleeping it off all day.  He gets head pain, he throws up, he falls back to sleep.  It's good, I prefer him sleeping peacefully rather than awake and irritated. 

I, on the other hand, am going stir crazy.  I drank way too much coffee, I've been sneaking handfuls of sugary garbage from Ty's "treat bag" throughout the day, and there is absolutely nothing on TV to hold my attention.  How many times can I check Facebook in an hour for no reason?  Bored is an understatement. 

Lou came this afternoon and I was so excited to do some laundry and take a shower.  It's a community shower here at the hospital and I had the unfortunate luck of sharing my shower with someone else's booger.  That's right... there was a pretty big booger stuck to the shower curtain.  Instead of the long, hot relaxing shower I craved, I was haunted with visions of accidentally brushing up against the curtain the whole time and I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I also planned on getting outside today to escape for an hour or two, but it's already 7PM and supposed to rain.  I can't even tell you where the day went. 

In the past three weeks, three young warriors I know from our various hospital stays have been laid to rest.  I am in shock over the news of these beautiful souls, and it terrifies me more than I can possibly put into words.  These are kids that always appeared stronger than Ty.  Kids that seemed to be on the up and up.  I can't help but completely obsess over the news.  I can't stop thinking of their families, wanting to know how they are coping.  I started looking up other children that we have met along the way, and uncovering more and more disheartening news.  My mind has been spinning out of control and for the first time in a long time, I was afraid I would land in a very dark place - and I can't allow that to happen.  Not now.  Not when Ty needs me.  F-YOU F-ING CANCER!!!  How can all of these innocent children be taken this way?  I hate your guts!!   Finally, I looked up a boy who Ty shared his room with the very first day he checked into Sloan Kettering for chemotherapy.  His name was Spencer and today he is cancer-free.   THANK YOU SPENCER for renewing my hope.  I cried like crazy when I found your site on caring bridge.   

This weekend will continue to be a rough one for Ty, but he is a champ.  A little fighter, indeed.  I love him "big much" as he always says, and he will never cease to amaze me with his positive, fun-loving attitude.  Here is an oldie but goodie that keeps me smiling when I feel knocked down and wiped out.  I could spend hours looking at our "life before cancer" pictures.  How could I ever give up on this!