We decorated our Christmas tree tonight. It was so nice! I wish I was able to get some better photos - these are terrible - but better than nothing. Ty and Gavin hanging their first ornaments. Ty chose a spiderman ornament (although I think he is growing out of his obsession over superheroes just a little) and I gave Gavin an extra sparkley one that he was eyeing. Of course, it was broken just seconds after this picture was broken. I saw it coming which is why it's so blurry; I was jumping up to grab it right as the photo snapped. Ha!
I swear, almost half of the things I unpacked were gifts that we received last year, during our most difficult times. There were so many beautiful things that I was so happy to unwrap under these much happier circumstances. To all of you who were here for us last year - friends and strangers - I know I was unable to properly thank so many of you and I just want you all to know how grateful we are.
I came across a card in one of the boxes that was written by one of my closest friends. It was a simple, beautifully written note that was sent to console me. I cried like crazy after reading that. I don't know if they were happy tears or sad tears, I honestly don't, I just know that I am relieved and sometimes it takes reminders like that to help me exhale and relieve myself of some grief that was building when I didn't even know it.
Last year, everything at Christmas was a "last". I can't even begin to put into words what that feels like. Ornaments that Ty picked out were purchased so they would be a reminder of the child we were going to lose. I took endless videos. I saved everything he drew on. We met with our at-home hospice nurse and I stared at her with confusion. I thought, "What will she be doing when he is dying? Will she be rubbing my back, whispering kind words? I don't want her to! I don't want her here!! I wish she would get the hell out of here!!!" There was a piece of me that hated that nurse. I know that sounds so unfair and unrealistic, but I can't control the fact that I felt that way. It was what she represented, I guess.
This year, I am hanging angels everywhere because that's where I feel them... they are everywhere. I find more magic in the word "believe" because it has new meaning for me. My eyes are open. My son has beaten all odds and it is a miracle. The tumors that existed in his spine last Christmas disappeared and there is no real medical explanation as to why. The doctors simply don't know (but I do, thank you God). I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I am certainly rejoicing over today.