When Johnny Cash sings those palpable words, so somber and sad, he describes my day on Friday quite perfectly.  I didn’t know I was doing it.  I didn’t realize my trip into the city would turn into a haunting day of torture.  I thought I was strong enough.  I was even looking forward to it; longing for some time in the neighborhood that we used to call our home away from home.  There is a piece of me that still lives there, and I miss it.  When Gavin turned six in April, his pediatrician discovered a heart murmur during his annual physical.  She assured me it was likely nothing to worry about and referred me to a local cardiologist.  After knowing what we know, Lou and I decided to take him to a specialist at NYP-Weill Cornell, instead.  My best friend’s niece, Savannah, was feeling tired and sluggish – she had a tumor growing around her heart.  Ty had trouble sleeping, he had a tumor growing at the base of his skull.  Ma...

Seven children are lost to cancer each day in the US.  More than 2,500 moms over the past year alone will be grieving their loss on this day, because their child is not there to make a card, or gift a handful of flowers picked from the garden (or dandelions picked from the lawn).  It's a hard, hard day.  Almost impossible. Thanks to our incredible supporters, we will be able to send out 200 more lockets to bereaved moms of childhood cancer.  It is the most heartbreaking thing we do at the TLC Foundation, we have shed countless tears as we print photos of these beautiful children and place them in the lockets.  Our hearts break over and over again, but at the same time it is the most meaningful project to work on.  We pour love into each and every locket, and we cry happy tears each time a mom reaches out to say thank you.  It means so very much to us that we can give this gift of remembrance, and it is your generosity that has made this program a ...

Zero through 5 years old The Big Boy is SIX Today, Gavin is six.  It is almost impossible to believe.  I know every year and every milestone tends to result in the same feeling of "where did the time go?" but there's something about SIX that seems so surreal.   Even he thinks so!  For days upon days leading up to his birthday he would talk about turning six and just how big a number it was.  He was so excited for this day, that I think he actually woke up pretty disappointed. "Mommy, what's it supposed to feel like when you turn six?" "Gavin, it feels kind of the same as when you were five.  When you are growing up, the changes seem to happen gradually." "What do you mean?" "I mean you really don't feel much different on your birthday than you did the day before, but if you look back and think about one year ago you'll realize how much you've grown!" "Oh.  I just thought I would feel bigger.  I th...

Last summer, I was so honored to appear on the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda to talk about the Muddy Puddles Project.  At the end of our segment, they surprised us with a 3-day trip to Disneyworld.  We were approaching the one year mark in May (when the trip expires) so Lou and I thought it would be a great treat to surprise Gavin with the trip for his birthday (he turns 6 on Wednesday, can you even believe it?). It was absolutely NO surprise to Lou and I when Gavin was less than impressed with his surprise.  We waited until we were at the airport to tell him where we were going and his reaction was, well, mediocre at best.  He rolled his eyes and told us we were wrong, Disneyworld is not a magical place, because there’s not even any such thing as magic.  Well, okay then…  Guess that video won’t be going viral! Kathie Lee and Hoda won’t be playing a cute clip of the excited little kid relishing in their generosity!  Nope.  We’ll save ...

As many of you probably noticed via social media, we decided to declare April 1 st “ National Jump in Muddy Puddles Day ” on behalf of the Muddy Puddles Project.   I had a blog posted on Scary Mommy yesterday that was shared over 18,000 times ( READ ITHERE ).   We created a Facebook page that has more than 1,050 likes in one week.   And we collected more than 150 photos in 24 hours – and counting.    I took off from work for the majority of the day and I took Gavin and his buddy on a hunt for Muddy Puddles.  Since it was April Fool's Day, we also made some mud soup for the Daddy's for dinner :)  My favorite part of the day was when they broke into a muddy puddle dance party - their idea.   I didn’t know what to do with all of these incredible photos – how best to share them, so I created a slideshow (forgive my poor video editing skills).   Eventually we will convert the new Facebook page to be solely dedicated to the Muddy Pu...

The book sits on my nightstand.  I have referred to it often and found Siddhartha Mukherjee’s eloquent writing to be so perfectly explicative whether one has studied cancer at the PhD level, or for someone like me whose own child was diagnosed and who is desperately trying to learn about this evasive disease that took hold of my son.      I first learned that Ken Burns agreed to produce a documentary series based on the book for PBS in early 2014.  When I was asked if I would participate in a series of promotions for the documentary, I jumped out of my chair with enthusiasm.  I was so certain that a documentary like this would be crucial in helping the public better understand this disease that affects each and every one of us.  The magic that they created out of my clumsy interview simply takes my breath away.  My son was diagnosed in 2010 and I have since been completely wrapped up in cancer -- childhood cancer in particular -...

I see a ladybug in my house about once a week.   This has been consistent since October.   The month he would have turned 7.   The month he died.   I think they are hibernating in my home and they are my most welcomed guests.   Of course, there is the occasional bespeckled corpse – belly up by my windowsill.   Sometimes, I might give a ladybug a little tap if I think it is dead, and he or she starts walking again.   I like to think Ty breathes a little life into them just for me… just for a moment… I don’t watch them for long. I prefer to take notice for a few seconds, then carry on with whatever I was doing.   It never fails that the ladybug is gone by the time I glance back.   Always gone. My visits from Ty are frequent, but brief, and because of that, it feels even more magical – as if it was a secret between the two of us. His whisper in my ear.   Sometimes I see one out of the corner of my eye just at the moment I am heavy ...

I'm always a last minute shopper.  I don’t plan ahead well.  And, I am terrible with the Pinterest-type holiday activities.  I can’t make the crafty Valentine’s day cards, or the amazing birthday cupcake tower.  I do my best, but my mom-crafts just don’t pan out the way I plan and Gavin has zero interest in helping so I throw my hands up in defeat. When we bake, he stirs the batter twice before losing interest.  When we make cards for class he starts moaning about signing his name after the first two.  This year Gavin made me a beautiful craft to put my jewelry in (he couldn't wait to give it to me when he brought it home from school) and a set of family portraits.  They broke my heart into a million pieces because Gavin drew his brother with a sad face when the rest of us were smiling big.  When I asked him why, he said "because Ty has cancer."  I held back the tears and reminded him that even though Ty had cancer, he lived ...

There was a tragic accident on the Metro North Railroad tonight.  I was riding on the same train line, in the front car, that rode right over the same intersection just 25 minutes beforehand.  I caught the earlier train in a rush to get home to my family.  A woman in a Jeep drove over the train tracks when the bars were down causing a fiery collision and killing six people including herself - I don't know how many are injured but I can only imagine it was horrific.  The idea of what it must have looked like to be trapped in that train car makes my heart pound outside of my chest.  Sleep is escaping me as my mind races through the scene over and over.  I can't get the picture of Gavin out of my head.  What would happen to him if I were one of the casualties?  There are children at home right now facing that exact reality and it is such a difficult thought to bear.  Life can be so cruel and unfair.  Just like that, lives ar...