Salty Sandwiches

I swear I have had some good days (all things considered), but the past two days have been very, very heavy.  The opposite of good.  I have been so slow and my eyelids feel like they are kept open with toothpicks.  I haven't worn any makeup for days.  I look old and run-down.  That's because that is exactly how I feel.  Sad, lonely and ugly, to be honest.  Lou has been in the same funk, too.  We are just missing his blue lollipops and his soft, sweet laughter. 

 

It was a miserable day in general because of all the snow.  I had a chill to the bone all afternoon.  I did accomplish getting Gavin a haircut at Aunt Lizzie's house, but the temper tantrum that ensued when it was time to leave was almost unbearable.  Thankfully, I managed to hold it in all day until Lou took Gavin upstairs for bed.  I started making our turkey sandwiches for lunch tomorrow (one for Gavin and one for me) and suddenly buckets of tears were just falling from my face and into the mayonnaise as I was spreading.   I hope when I bite into my sandwich tomorrow I don't come across that all too familiar taste of salty teardrops. 

Gavin, on the other hand, has been very excitable for days on end.  So much so that I brought a glass of wine with me into the bathroom for tubby time yesterday because I was losing my patience with him and I needed to calm down before losing it on him.  He has a lot of energy and it's not fair that I am too sad to embrace his antics and have fun with him sometimes. 

Some days I put on a very good show for him.  I wear superhero costumes to the supermarket and use my best Hulk voice when we wrestle.  I tickle him like crazy and he fills this house with so much laughter that you would almost think this was a normal, happy home. He loves to sit at the table with me and do legos but never once have I sat there without glancing over to Ty's empty chair imagining him there.  I imagine the same scene in my head with a healthy Ty laughing along with his brother, building legos with him and then chasing him around the house.  I can hear his voice and imagine how strong and loud his giggle would be if he was here and healthy.   Ty was such a beautiful little soul.  He was so incredibly special, I still can't believe he is gone.  I really can't.  I can look at his pictures for hours and hours and just relish in every curve of his face.  I just miss him so much. 

Thank God for Gavin.  He gives me a reason to get out of bed every day.  He puts a smile on my face during my darkest hours.  Forced or not, a smile is a smile.  He is such a character, and I just know that Ty would have had so much fun with him. 


Meet SuperGavin.  Thank you, Jen!


It makes me so sad that Gavin doesn't have his brother to play with anymore. It makes me sad that he loves superheroes so much, now.  Can you imagine how SuperTy would get a kick out of this?  When I was picking Gavin up from preschool at the regular time every day, we would get home and have nothing to do. Just me and Gavin. There's only so much I can play before I lose my mind, so I ended up extending his hours at school so he can be around other children his age all day long. It also allows me to spend more time working on the foundation, and I finally feel like we are making tons of progress despite the long road ahead of us. 

I have learned so much about the challenges behind funding childhood cancer research and just HOW MUCH money is needed to support the cause.  I do believe we are finally taking some bigger strides toward getting there, and there are some very exciting inroads being made.  I just can't wait until I can update you on all of these big announcements once they go public :)   There will be big things happening to raise awareness for childhood cancer and to fund research, and I couldn't have a better group of supporters to help me honor Ty by spreading the word.  Thank you all so very much.