Please send me a sign

Just look at this beautiful child.  People always stopped to watch him, wherever we went.  Do you think he knows? Do you think it was weird that Daddy was carrying around his fluids in a backpack?  That he was glad to finally be home from the hospital, but wondered why he still had the needles in his chest?  I can't look at this picture and not want to get inside that head and know what he's thinking.  Thoughts that no three year old should have to ponder, but that I know he did.  He was smart and so in-tune with how Lou and I were feeling.  He could read our anxiety under the greatest disguises. 

Thank you all, so much, for being so supportive.  We have our good days and bad.  I've been feeling exceptionally sad these past few days, but it's all so normal.  I haven't seen any signs from Ty, and that just breaks my heart and makes me feel desperate.  I'm overdue, I think.  It's just what I need to pick me up out of my slump. 

I did have a few good hours out in the snow with Gavin today.  We built an igloo (well, only half of one because he gave up very quickly). 

After we shoveled the walkway and made a lame fort, Gavin wanted to play on his playset out back.  I was happy to do so because I thought for sure I would see Ty there, waiting for me in the soft quiet of the snow.  He and I used to sit the picnic table underneath the slide for lunch and snacks every chance we could get back in the day.  I loved to eat outside on a beautiful day in Long Beach, and he loved to eat at his mini table.  Lots of time was spent there, we even used to bring Gavin's high chair out back to enjoy the weather and the salty air at mealtime. 

Today I sat in our spot and tried to find a trace of him or a sign from him.  I climbed to the landing at the top of the slide with Gavin and looked for him everywhere.  We swang on the swing.  I slid down the slide.  Nothing.  Where was he today?  I hope he is off having fun, but I really need him and miss him, too. 

I hate that I need him.  It's not his job to worry or take care of me.  I don't want him to because I should be taking care of him!  He obviously had a tough time in his five short years, so I like to imagine he is free to go buck-wild now.  Swinging from chandeliers and giggling uncontrollably.  Surrounded by children doing the same. 

I feel ridiculous when I ask Ty to do something for me because I should be stronger than that.  Let him have fun and forget about me until my day comes and we can all be together.  But on that same note, to imagine the rest of my life without any ladybugs, falling leaves or winking stars makes me wonder how I would even continue to put one foot in front of the other.  I truthfully need to see these signs sometimes because they reinforce my belief that he is with me, that he knows behind my smile is a head swirling with thoughts of him, and that he is okay wherever he is.  I hope he is always inside my head and knows that 99.9 percent of the time, I am thinking of him in some way.  Because I am. 

We've been snowed in and I'm learning that the weekends are the worst.  They are too boring.  Too much time sitting around being sad.  We were supposed to visit friends in DC, but with the weather and my cold, we rescheduled for next weekend.  We also have several other big trips planned, and I am excited. What better way to cope with pain than running away from it, right?  Not sure if any therapists would agree, but that's how we're doing it, and I think it's brilliant.  DC, Dallas, California, Montana and Dominican Republic, here we come.  It sounds ridiculous, I know, and a lot of this travel is also due to foundation opportunities, but it will be a great escape regardless.  Goodbye sad, quiet house.  We will try to spend the majority of our upcoming weekends anywhere but here.  Because this quiet house of ours, where I search for Ty and keep his favorite things on display like a museum?  This is just not healthy.

Before I sign off for the night in an attempt to retire early and get healthy (!) I want to let you know that we gave in and got Gavin's hair cut.  He keeps asking me if he still looks like Thor and I feel terrible but I tell him "yes!"  I just think it's better if he believes he still has long hair.  He really doesn't think it's any different.  My baby.  He is such a good boy.