There will never be enough

Every day it's more and more real.  Ty is gone. 

Before this happened, Lou and I tried so hard to make sure we captured our memories.  We took so many pictures and so many videos.  I saved everything he ever drew, and when he couldn't draw I saved the stickers we did, or the other arts and crafts Ty helped me with as I pulled his arm over to the paper, or the beads, or whatever it was he wanted to make.  I saved his clothes, his toys, his favorite things and I look at them every day.  I keep the door open to Ty's bedroom and I am drawn to it every single time I walk down the hall.  I need to step inside and look around and just remember him and whisper to him and let him know I am thinking of him every single second.  But it's never enough.  We don't have enough pictures, enough videos, or enough anything because we simply don't have him anymore.  We are so sad all the time.  Just looking at this perfect hair - I want to bury my nose in it, run my finger down his soft cheek and kiss those lips over and over again. 

So sick and completely paralyzed, but Pop the Pirate is funny

We are still living though, Ty, and I think you would be proud of us.  Did you see Daddy and I in the city this weekend?  At the party with Gavin?  Christmas shopping?  We are trying so hard.  I hope you didn't see my crying every ten minutes on Sunday, that was my worst day in a long time. 

This weekend started out great.  One of the best in a long time, with the exception of my sad Sunday.  Friday night Lou and I prepared for our upcoming "vacation."  It sounds stupid to call it a vacation, but we are planning to get away for five days this week, and it is something we have been talking about since Ty was sent home on hospice.  A healing getaway, although I don't think there's anything that can heal us from this.  We are going to Vancouver/Whistler to go snowboarding.  I know, I know, it doesn't sound very relaxing.  But, we were both afraid that if we chose more of a serene, relaxing retreat that we would drown in cocktails by the water and fix our hangovers with a Bloody Mary.  Not that there's anything wrong with that when you're having fun and happy, but for us, that could be dangerous.  Instead we will be active the whole time and I think that will be very good for us.  That is how we have been surviving these almost two months anyway, by keeping very busy.  We will be getting home on Ty's two-month anniversary.  I can't even believe it. 

You asked to see him, here he is :)

Here is the doll we snuggle up to every night and morning.  Now that I'm looking at this picture on the screen, it is making me smile really big.  It's funny that we love this doll so much, but we really do.  We talk to him and kiss him and tuck him in nicely under the covers.  Oh boy.  We are crazy, but who cares.  Aren't we all?  A little bit at least?

Saturday was an incredible fundraiser for Ty hosted by Anthony's 151 Grill in Mahopac.  They had more than 100 prizes donated for the raffle and raised a ton of money.  There was a lot of adorable activities for the kids like face painting, gold hair extensions for pediatric cancer awareness, cartoon drawing from a true comic book artist and more.  There were so many kind and generous people there, some who traveled really long distances just to be there for us.  I met so many caring people and we were so humbled and so honored.  Thank you so much to all of the incredible volunteers, and to the Anthony family, for donating so much time and energy and pulling off such a wonderful event.  It is an awesome restaurant, too.  Everything was delicious!

After that, Lou and I were off to the city to have dinner with our friends Rocky and Kathleen from Dallas who were in NYC for a few days.  Kathleen and I have been talking for two years, she loves Ty so much, and I love her and her boys like family.  This was our first chance to get together in person and we were so excited we were practically talking over each other all night.  We laughed, we shared stories, we talked about Ty and our families and indulged in good wine and delicious food.  My favorite kind of night.  I barely even shed a tear and that alone is a gift from them :)  Thank you guys, we love you.  I really enjoyed myself.  We stayed overnight in the city because Lou and I had more meetings in the city on Sunday to discuss the foundation and some projects we hope for on the horizon.  We have so many big ideas, I get excited just thinking about it. 

It wasn't until the car ride home that I started to unravel.  I guess after such a good couple of days I was bound to fall apart sooner or later.  We had to go toy shopping for Gavin while he was still at Nana's house.  Christmas shopping was pure torture.  It can be painful on a Sunday in December for any normal person, but for someone who is doing it with a hangover for the first time since losing his or her child - forget about it.  Every toy was heartbreaking.  Every single thing I looked at was something that Ty would have loved.  There was candy packaged in such exciting ways I wanted to buy it for his stocking.  I heard his voice around every corner.  I watched the other children in shopping carts with such envy it was almost scary.  My head was throbbing.  I cried so much in the car every two minutes and all I wanted to do was go home.  But we didn't.  We put one foot in front of the other for Gavin and for Ty.  We bought the most beautiful wrapping paper and bows and gift bags so everything will look extra special under the tree this year.  That is what Ty would want.  I know that with all of my heart.  Even just two months ago, I talked about Christmas with Ty and he reminded me that Santa left footprints by the fireplace.  He ALWAYS talks about that.  It was so magical that morning when he saw that.  It wasn't the presents that he remembers most, it was Santa's footprints.  That is why Christmas is so awesome. 

There are days that go by where I don't cry all day long and it's not until I lay down at night, in all the quiet, that my memories come trickling in.  I most often remember his last breaths.  Over and over again I watch the love of my life die in my arms.  My face contorts and my eyes well up just writing that sentence because it is so painfully true.  My love for Ty is so big, I just can't believe he had to leave.  I am surrounded by his pictures and his beauty is just undeniable.  What a gorgeous gift he was.  He was so perfect in every way.  I wish I could see him running and laughing and playing.  Look at him here, after a long day at the beach.  I want him back.  Cancer just swept in and stole him from me while robbing this innocent baby boy of his childhood.  He was just the coolest kid.

Everyone asks me how Gavin is doing.  I think he's doing really, really well, but I also think the loss of his brother is taking more of a toll on him than we realize sometimes.  All day long he is happy.  He has fun.  He wants to play and play and play.  But I watch him by himself and it just feels so wrong.  He should be with his brother.  He needs his best friend to play with him and I am so mad that he doesn't have Ty anymore.  Even when Ty was so disabled, they played with one another. They teased each other.  They were very much a part of each other's lives, of course.  Gavin asked me the other day if Ty was an angel and when will he come back (along with a thousand other questions about Heaven and angels and God).  After I tried to answer him the best I could while trying to mask the quiver in my voice and hide the tears in my eyes he said, "But I want him to come back because I want him to be a person again.  He is my brother!"  All I could muster was "me too."  Then he shot me with an imaginary web and yelled "YOU BE LIZARD, I AM SPIDERMAN!"

CHALLENGE - where is Gavin in this picture?

See his little Spiderman face peeking out from behind the wall :)  I am grateful that he is so young.  For the rest of his life, I hope I can do a good job honoring and including Ty without making Gavin feel like it is too much, or like Ty was more loved.  It seems like it will be a tough balance, but Gavin is so young and so grounded that I think he will adjust well and continue to love his brother while enjoying the beauty of his own life and what's in store for him.  Here he is playing with a friend.  I can't believe he shared the Spiderman costume!  He is so much fun.  I am thankful for him every day.

 
I will be sure to bring my computer with me on our mini-getaway.  There is a lot of work to do for the foundation so I hope to use some of the time on the plane to finish up our new website and I'll be sure to let you all know how we're doing.  The foundation is going to be amazing.  Please keep those muddy puddles coming, too.  For everyone who volunteered, we will be assigning tasks after the holidays.  All hands on deck!  Thank you so much.