Christmas is over - now I can exhale

Not that today feels much better than yesterday, but I do admit I am happy that Christmas is over.  I don't think it can possibly get easier as the years go by.  How can I do anything but think of Ty the entire day?  When it is a day filled with presents, candy, cake and Santa Clause.  All of his favorite things in the entire world.  Christmas became magical again the first time we had a baby of our own to celebrate with, and now that baby is gone.  He was our greatest gift.  Never would we have imagined he would leave us so soon.  Or that he would suffer so much in his short life.  I keep thinking about that first Christmas with him.  We were on top of the world.  Nothing could be better.  We were just so in love and so happy.  I miss him more than words can possibly explain.  I love him greater than any other love.

I do believe that Gavin, on the other hand, had a wonderful Christmas and that's really all that matters.  Now, everything is for him.  It was too good, I think, because he is still asking for more presents.   He told me at bedtime that he hears Batman on the roof.  He told me that Batman borrowed Santa's toy sled to deliver presents tonight.  I hope he isn't too disappointed when Batman doesn't leave him with a boatload of gifts under the tree tonight :)

The Big Wheels was a big hit, but we have had too much snow for Gavin to test drive it outside.  We told him that Ty picked out the Big Wheels and I think we should do that every year, so he always knows Ty is thinking of him.  Ty's empty stocking is hanging in front of me as I write.  It still seems so surreal.  I was looking through some of the photos from yesterday and came across one of Gavin sitting on the floor and I thought it was Ty for a moment.  It's just so painful.  Lou did buy Ty a new robot that is sitting on the mantel with a ribbon wrapped around it, though.  I'm glad.  It feels less like he wasn't "left out" this way.  I didn't see or feel much of Ty over the past couple of days, which made Christmas especially hard.  But I do like to think he had something to do with the snow.  It started on Christmas eve, just before Gavin was off to bed, and we woke up to about two inches on the ground.  It was so exciting for him.  Thank you, Ty. 

Of course, Christmas was and still is beyond emotional for Lou and I.  It is gut wrenching.  After putting the presents out under the tree on Christmas Eve I cried so hard and so loud I was afraid I would wake up Gavin.  It was one of my worst nights ever.  My head/face was so swollen from crying I had to sleep on three pillows because of my headache.  I was so nauseous I had to take some of Ty's anti-nausea medication from when he was on chemo.  I was a complete train wreck. 

Christmas morning was okay.  Presents were almost fun despite the bleeding hole in my heart, and we all sat down in front of the TV to watch our videos from last year which was such a bittersweet pill to swallow.  I absolutely loved seeing Ty on the big screen like that and making sure he was such a big part of Christmas, but it was so hard to watch at the same time.  I think hearing his voice is what pains me the most.  I yearn for that sound like you can't even imagine. 

I didn't cry much until the end of the day, though.  Sitting at the kitchen table where I grew up and talking with my mom.  I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, but I was good... I didn't let my crying get out of hand.  Instead we all took a sleeping pill and called it a day. 

Ty with his favorite present last year, his robot

I enjoyed giving gifts this year.  We gave presents adorned with angels and pictures of Ty.  It felt good to be so confident that our presents would be cherished by all of our family for years to come.  We were all missing Ty, even my youngest of nieces and nephews, and I am glad that we all got together and enjoyed one another over the past couple of days because that's what the holidays are all about. 

I made the mistake of telling Gavin that Ty was enjoying the biggest birthday party for Jesus in heaven this year.  He always wants to go there to see his brother because he misses him and it sounds like such fun!  It's hard to make it sound like a beautiful, safe place for Ty while helping Gavin to understand that we can't visit him there.  It's just not fair that we even have to have these conversations.  My poor baby.  He should have his brother and it's as simple as that.  It's heartbreaking and wrong and I hope some day we can find a cure for these children.  We have ton because this has to stop.  No child should have to go through what Ty went through. 

Missing you, Ty, today and every single second of every single day.