My conversation with Gavin tonight
I could bore you with the depressing details about today, but the story that best describes how I've been feeling all day can be told by simply recapping my bedtime conversation with Gavin tonight. By the way, I just re-read this sentence and had to correct it because I had written "my conversation with Ty," on accident, instead of Gavin.
I call Gavin "Ty" at least 10 times a day. I know that's totally normal and I have done it since the day he was born (just like my mom calls me Theresa - and even, Billy - sometimes), but it's not normal anymore when the other child passed away. There is a severe pang in my heart every time it happens, and I have to focus on my tone of voice when I correct myself to try and sound as casual as possible - trying not to let Gavin notice the mistake.
Tonight, after our prayers, I reminded Gavin to say goodnight to Ty and to tell him how much we love and miss him.
"G'nite, Ty... I miss you... Mommy? Ty's body is in my heart."
"Yes, Ty's body is in your heart."
"Ty's toes are in my heart, too. And his leg."
"Yes."
<Pause. Sad tone> "Because, Ty doesn't have a body anymore..."
Oh God, that was hard to hear coming from my three-year-old. What do I say?
"That's right, Gavin, because Ty doesn't need his body anymore... He is with God now."
"YES!! YES HE DOES!" Gavin yelled. "Ty need his BAH-DEEEE!!!"
"Why, Gavin. Why are you saying that? Why does Ty need his body?"
Long pause. Gavin, who is three, answers "because he is alone.... because he is all alone wif God."
That is all I think about every day. How Ty is alone. I know he is with so many others so I guess I should rephrase that somehow, but as his mother I can't help but imagine him being alone in the sense that I am not with him, Lou is not with him, Gavin is not with him. It's just so unnatural and wrong for him to be out "there" - wherever he is - without me and without us being in the same place. He was just five years old. Even Gavin is worried about that, and I am so upset about it. I don't know how to fix that.
Sorry I don't have anything uplifting to share today. That is just the truth about today. It wasn't a very good one.
I call Gavin "Ty" at least 10 times a day. I know that's totally normal and I have done it since the day he was born (just like my mom calls me Theresa - and even, Billy - sometimes), but it's not normal anymore when the other child passed away. There is a severe pang in my heart every time it happens, and I have to focus on my tone of voice when I correct myself to try and sound as casual as possible - trying not to let Gavin notice the mistake.
Tonight, after our prayers, I reminded Gavin to say goodnight to Ty and to tell him how much we love and miss him.
"G'nite, Ty... I miss you... Mommy? Ty's body is in my heart."
"Yes, Ty's body is in your heart."
"Ty's toes are in my heart, too. And his leg."
"Yes."
<Pause. Sad tone> "Because, Ty doesn't have a body anymore..."
Oh God, that was hard to hear coming from my three-year-old. What do I say?
"That's right, Gavin, because Ty doesn't need his body anymore... He is with God now."
"YES!! YES HE DOES!" Gavin yelled. "Ty need his BAH-DEEEE!!!"
"Why, Gavin. Why are you saying that? Why does Ty need his body?"
Long pause. Gavin, who is three, answers "because he is alone.... because he is all alone wif God."
That is all I think about every day. How Ty is alone. I know he is with so many others so I guess I should rephrase that somehow, but as his mother I can't help but imagine him being alone in the sense that I am not with him, Lou is not with him, Gavin is not with him. It's just so unnatural and wrong for him to be out "there" - wherever he is - without me and without us being in the same place. He was just five years old. Even Gavin is worried about that, and I am so upset about it. I don't know how to fix that.
Sorry I don't have anything uplifting to share today. That is just the truth about today. It wasn't a very good one.
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| GOOFBALLS!! Just look at these two clowns :) |
OMG what do u say to such a beautiful young boy... i cried so hard reading that God bless you having to find the strength to answer these questions..
ReplyDeleteThis made my heart hurt! I'm so sorry. I know Ty isn't alone. When I pray I'll be sure to ask my grandparents to go check in on Ty. I'm sure he has charmed all of heaven and is surrounded by amazing spirits that will keep him company until you are all together again. Who knows how time passes there. For him it may be the blink of an eye. Ts the ones who are here who have to wait. I'm a firm believer that in heaven you cannot be sad or alone. Praying for you all.
ReplyDeleteAllie
Cindy my heart breaks for you everyday! You are such an inspiring and amazingly strong woman whether you realize it or not! And I'm sure some days you feel like you want to just cry and be alone but that sweet boy Gavin of yours needs you more now than ever before, as you do him. Always cherish your memories of your sweet Angel Ty and look for him in Gavin. Sending my love and prayers. Heather
ReplyDeleteWow! What do you say to a little boy so young. I'm sorry you had to answer those questions. I'm sure there will be more days Lehner Gavin asks why. No one really knows except God and we will all understand it with him. I pray everyday for your strength to continue along with your faith. I pray for me as we'll. you are so incredibly strong Mrs. Campbell! God bless you and your family
ReplyDeletePrayers from Texas,
Robert
I'm so sorry for your pain. You have to know Ty isn't alone, he's with all his little buddies playing and out of pain. Keep all those great memories in your heart. I will continue to pray for strength for all of you. Give Gavin a great big hug!! Deb. <3
ReplyDeleteThat's OK sweetie, you don't have to try and be positive or uplifting. No one expects that of you and I don't think anyone could be in your situation. You do the best you can and you do an amazing job. I have read Ronan's mom's blog and that seems to be one of the hardest things for her too. Who is taking care of her son when that is her job and her right, her prevlidge. Who knows what a child wants a needs better then their mother? I believe that heaven is a much better place then here and I don't think Ty ever feels lost or sad or lonely. I think he is probably able to feel much more connected to you then you are to him. Maybe he doesn't feel any different at all, just healthier but not distant or missing from you guys. I think he is still there with you all every second and even if you guys can't feel that, he can. He can prob hear your thought and words and feels you near him at all times. I dunno, I don't think I'm making since. I just don't think he feels the disconnection on his end the way you guys do because he is in heaven and we are still mere mortals on earth. Praying for you and your husband and your precious Gavin. I'm sorry you are all going through this.
ReplyDeleteAs the tears stream down my face I pray that there was at least 1 thing that made you smile today. Hug Gavin tight, I think he needs it...
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for all that you and your family and Ty have been through. You are right- what a terrible thing to try and explain to a 3 yr old. You dont always have to be uplifting Cindy. You can be angry and sad and all of those things. Because what happened to you isnt fair. But I know with all my heart that your little boy is not alone. He is safe and surrounded by love. Praying for you all.
ReplyDeleteJoni
I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteCindy I saw this poem and I thought of Ty. Daddy please don't look so sad , mama please don't cry cause I am in the arms of Jesus and he is singing me a lullaby . Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind, don't think he sent me to you and then he changed his mind. You see I am a special child and I'm needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave him a product of your love. I'll always be there with you just watch the sky at night, find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's light. You will see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane, that's me in the summer showers, dancing in the rain.When you feel a little breeze from a gentle wind that blows, that's me I'll be planting a kiss on your nose. When you see a child playing and your heart gives a tug , that's just me giving you a hug. So daddy don't look so sad , mamma don't you cry, cause I'm safe in the arms of Jesus and he is singing me a lullaby. Cindy I pray every day for your family, God bless .
ReplyDeleteThis is so nice..Thank You for sharing
DeleteThis is such a nice poem. Thank you.
DeleteThat is so beautiful, thanks for sharing. Fighting back tears at work as I read this.
DeleteI'm a complete stranger, but I would give anything to take just a little bit of this pain from you. Perhaps you don't want that, though. I've always said you have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. I've never lost a child so I don't even know if there's ever an other side, but I know you will feel more peace as time goes on. Just know that some stranger in Austin, TX thinks about Ty and your family every single day.
ReplyDeleteGavin is so young and innocent. Im sure as he grows he will understand better about his brother. You Cindy use beautiful words when you express yourself and you will know what to say to Gavin the next time he has a difficult question. Ty is in heaven being taken care of by all the beautiful angels and all the wonderful friends he has made. Your family has been so strong and its okay to feel down....were only human but God Almighty will give you comfort when you need it. May God Bless you and your family always.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was Gavins age I lost my father and my mother told me that when someone dies before their time they get to hang out with the ones
ReplyDeletethey loved the most they get stay around. I'm now 37 and have also lost a child and my mother as well and I still hold on to those words. Late at night I still smell my little man :) It gets a little better. One foot in front of the other and soon you dont have to think about how to do it your just doing it. Cindy, you have a gift down the road write a book there is something about your words you make mothers wanna be better mommies.
Cindy - I am not one to read these blogs or posts things on them - but your words have been so powerful.....I've started following your updates regularly.
ReplyDeleteAs a mom - we all have the horrible thoughts of what if something happened to my child.....and my concern has always been exactly what you wrote about....they are alone. Who is there to take care of them the way we do as a parent....the way no one else will....
Who knows the answer - but I always imagined that if something would happen - like the horrible experience you are going through - that part of my spirit somehow would go with my child.... since i'm sure you dont feel whole - and there is an void that's unimaginable - I always think that's because my child would take part of me with them.
So maybe when you feel that void - you can imagine it's because Ty got to keep part of you - and that's who comforts him now.
Who knows - it's all just so unfathomable - so impossible to make sense of....
I cant imagine......
He is not alone, I promise. We are in this world but not of this world. He is home. You said on a previous post that you felt like he was away on a long trip and you expect him to return. The truth is he returned early from the trip, it is us who have yet to return home. This pain is no longer his. He is ok now.
ReplyDeleteI honestly believe what you have said is the truth. I hope Cindy, Lou and Gavin believe the same. I am heartbroken he is gone but relieved he is no longer suffering.
DeleteThis is so true. Thank you.
DeleteCindy, ughhhhhhh....
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard for me to express the immense hurt I feel for you and read in your blogs daily....they are so painful but yet so loving and selfless....
I want to say this right.....ughhhh
Ok, my son is 18 months and even at night ever since this has happened ATP Ty, even in the most recent months, I catch myself missing my son even more in his sleep, or when he's in the next room. It's instinct to protect our children from anything harmful...and this feeling u have feeling that Ty is alone is normal .....but we both know he is not....but you being his Mother and Lou his Dad could be the only "right" people to protect him and you did....you did everyday!!!!
Gavin is amazing! His who's body is in his heart....this is true....cause every part of him is connected to Gavin, to you and Ty.....I believe even though his physical body is not with you......he lives in you!!
I wrote Ty when I meant to say Lou....you all are connected....from body, to everyday things, to Ty's Chapstick....you could never wear the love off enough...it's there forever! Xoxo
DeleteCindy, I do believe that Ty is not alone I feel with every ounce to me that he is having so much fun in Heaven. I couldn't imagine trying to put into words for Gavin what happened to Ty. Know that we all still think and pray for you guys every minute of the day. My heart is broken for your family I wish there was a way to ease your family's pain and I can say time will heal but it will never be healed for the loss of your sweet little Ty. Prayers and love always!
ReplyDeleteNothing to say, no magic words come to mind. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you all.
ReplyDeleteMy momma was a lot like you Cindy, and I lost her at a young age to cancer. I said a special prayer tonight, to her, to go make sure Ty is safe and having fun. She never let me down, and she cared for me and my brother so well. I promise you that she will watch after your baby boy until you are back with him. I know it's not the same... But besides my brother there is no one else I'd lend my mommy to other than Ty.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that even though you and Lou and even Gavin might worry about "where" Ty is, he is probably chuckling at this very concept. He doesn't have to "be" in any one spot anymore.. he is your very breath and heartbeat. He is your baby and will always always be a part of your soul.. and Lou's and Gavin's.. You are all connected forever physically, biologically, spiritually, nothing can change that.
ReplyDeleteCindy, I haven't posted before, but have been following your blog and I am so sorry about Ty. I think about you all of the time - I see reminders of Ty each day, whether it be a cute curly haired boy, a blue lollipop or Max and Ruby. It makes my heart break, I can't even imagine how it feels to you. And to have to try to explain all this to a 3 year old (Gavin is so cute and clever the way he has thought about things).
ReplyDeleteI believe Ty is in heaven. Running and jumping in puddles. He is always with you. I loved your ladybug story - that is definitely a sign from Ty. If the Long
Island Medium is to be believed (have you seen that show - she is amazing), Ty's spirit is with the spirits of people who were connected with you who have
passed away. I imagine that would be somewhat comforting, but it is still not the same as Ty being here and being looked after by you and Lou (you did such an amazing job). It sounded like Ty had a peaceful passing, which gave you comfort at the time, but it certainly gets harder in many respects as time
goes on as it becomes longer and longer since you have seen your beautiful boy.
You are an inspiration, and you have motivated me to cherish every moment I have with my own kids. Ty has stolen a piece of my heart.
I'm praying for you,
Kelly from Vancouver, Canada.
Cindy, there's a song I've been wanting to share with you for a while but I can't figure out how to post it to Ty's fb page. The song is "beam me up" by Pink. You can find it on you tube. Beautiful Song! I am so sorry for your pain.
ReplyDeleteDear Ty and Gavin's Mum,
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a -lot- about your words, tonight. And puzzling over it, myself. What must it be like, for Ty?
I started thinking about my son, and his first days in Day Care, and how he'd cry every time I dropped him off. 3 minutes into my drive to work, and his Carer would phone me to reassure me that as soon as I was out of sight, he had settled and was playing happily alongside the other children. My heart would lift when I heard that, and my worry melted away. Eventually, I came to trust that he would settle, and I was so proud of him for handling the adjustment.
I have absolutely -no- doubt, that your Ty will have done the same. There is NO replacement for a parent, but your wonderful little boy will have a new world open to him and I'm -sure- that he's settling in, just fine.
I thought about the fact that when my son is sad, or hurt, he wants no-one but myself. Be encouraged by the fact that there is no sadness, and no hurt, where Ty is. When he misses you, it will be with all the love in his heart, but no sadness and no pain.
I lost my sister-in-law to cancer. She had to leave my gorgeous little just-turned-six year old niece after a protracted battle with secondary lung cancer. I think it about broke her heart. I also lost a dear friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer while 6 months pregnant. She left behind two sons. One three, one just newborn.
I cannot believe that a God who is Love, wouldn't allow them to be on hand to hold and hug and nurture Heaven's smallest souls. As I said - NO one replaces a Mother. Or a Father. But in his wisdom, I'm sure he knows what we need, and provides it, especially in Heaven. My sister-in-law Anna and my friend, Krysti, were two of the most loving and deserving mothers I've ever known. I have no doubt, whatsoever that God would choose them to be with the children.
Please know he's not alone.
No apologies needed...ever. I'm so sorry that this cruel and unfair tragedy had to happen to your family. Holding you all close in heart and prayers. Missing Ty with you and wishing you could feel him in your arms; where he will remain...always....
ReplyDeleteNobody expects you to be uplifting all the the....or even at all. Please allow yourself time to heal. You are going to have more of these hard, sad conversations with Gavin as he becomes more aware of the loss your family just suffered. It hasn't even been 3 weeks.
ReplyDeleteI am sure that Ty will find a way to comfort you, to let you know that he is always and forever with you. Not just in your heart but all around you. He will never leave you. I pray you feel him, especially during the more difficult times, watching over you, putting love in your coffee, reassuring you that he is ok.
Love and prayers,
Elaine Hinkle
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
ReplyDeleteShawna
Although Ty might not have a body in the physical sense that we know it, I'm sure he has a spiritual body, a spiritual body that is able to transcend the dimensions and be wherever and with whoever he needs to be from moment to moment. You'll never lose your connection to him, Cindy, and neither will Lou and Gavin. From what I understand, our souls are connected throughout time and space and are forever eternal. Although I'm sure there's nothing that can comfort you in this tremendous loss, I pray that as time goes by, you'll be able to sense Ty close to you in some way. Godspeed.
ReplyDeleteGood morning Cindy & Lou,
ReplyDeleteI am so mad I didn't get to hear you on the fan, I was in my car going to my son's hockey game at 5:46am!! I was excited that I was going to be up and in the car, but I think I was in my car just thinking about why the hay I was up at that time. I hope you're family and friends are holding up in Long Beach. As well as all those other people around here. Soo sad. Not having power for a week was nothing for us compared to the rest of NY/NJ. A few things I want to say. The picture of you at THe Fan interview was beautiful, you would have done just fine on an Oprah tv interview!!! That beautiful smile that broke a long time ago came out just for Ty, I know it! We were giving out candy on Halloween and someone came by with the knitted Captain America hat and my 12 year old was soo excited! He said mom! and paused.. and we just smiled. awwwwww. A few days before that, we see the SuperTY carved pumpkin and TLC pumpkin right next to it at the Mahopac PumpkinFest. It was soo great. Once again, my boy pointed it out. Also, my sister told my cousin in Florida about TY, she started reading your blog, and she has decided, because of TY, that she is going into pediatric oncology or something like pediatric hospice! I didnt realize there was such a thing as that. OMG! I am soo excited. I have to call her! This is all because of TY. I know I read of someone else going for pediatric oncology, but that wasn't her. I know that she is about to "finish up" and needed to choose exactly what nursing specialty she wanted to go into and TY, I mean SUPERTY and you and Lou and Gavin are the reason why she chose it. Great job!! I am soo happy. I am also very happy that Mellie (?) is still with you!
One more thing, my heart does break when you talk about feeling guilty being out and shopping, without him. It does help to get out and walk around.
I wish you all well. Give a big hug to Gavin!
Love always, Angela from Carmel
(By the way, I still can't listen to Taylor Swift's song without crying and I would LOVE to buy Superty shirts. Where can I get them??)
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteI know that everyone who follows your story will agree with me that we are hear for you to let out all your feelings. Some of them are going to be dark and sad (how could they not after losing that precious boy) and some will be happy and encouraging. Please feel free to express how you really feel at any time. And know that when you are having a very sad and hard day, there are thousands of us who feel sad too and hope to take a little of your pain away. The way you have explained to Gavin that Ty is in his heart is perfect. And it is as if he is realizing that Ty isn't at the hospital right now for a long stay. That is heart-breaking to me so I can't imagine how you and Lou feel looking at Gavin and having him realize his brother is physicall gone. That picture of them two you posted is perfect. How could this happen? We know how unfortunately and you and Lou are going to help stop it from happening to others with all the awareness you are bringing.
Cindy, sorry you had a sad day. Sending healing hugs.
Lynne-Massachusetts
Sending hugs. Gavin is so sweet and thoughtful. I believe he is not alone but watching over you. I know it is comforting to me to think my loved ones who passed are waiting for me on the other side.
ReplyDeleteim sorry cindy. :( i continue to pray and send healing thoughts to u all... hugs..
ReplyDeleteThinking of and praying for you and your family everyday, Cindy.
ReplyDeleteCindy, I believe when we cross over to the after life that our souls remember a timeless truth that we had forgotten while here on earth. While Ty will always be your little boy his soul is as ancient and timeless as the universe itself. I cannot imagine the pain you are in, I only offer my beliefs as maybe a way to ease even the smallest fraction of your pain. Ty's soul knowing all that he does could never feel alone, because he feels Gods Love completely encompassing him. I'm so truly sorry for your pain and that of all of your family. Love, Geraldine
ReplyDeleteOhh, I wish I were there to just hug you tightly and tell you that there is NEVER a need to say sorry about how you are feeling, the emotions that are hitting you first hand. Even in your grief, you apologize to US about not having something uplifting to say...always taking care of others! You are an amazing and incredible woman - just like your Ty! Sending you love, prayers and lots of hugs....ALWAYS!!!
ReplyDeleteYou sweetheart! Ty is at peace, Ty is happy, I PROMISE! Ty sees eternity, he doesn't mind waiting a little while to be with you again. You are who I ache for, I know he is okay. Much love to you, Gavin, and Lou...and Ty. May you find some comfort in the days ahead.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and your family. I honestly can't imagine the void you all feel with Ty gone. Maybe it would help to tell Gavin (and everyone else) that Ty is in paradise, and to think of it as him being on a wonderful vacation, waiting for you all to join him. He is happy, content, and at peace. It's true. I firmly believe it. God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteOh, Cindy...you are still so selfless and full of amazing love. You are still apologising to us that you can't be uplifting today!
ReplyDeleteYou are still the supermum to two beautiful boys. I don't want to speak in the past tense because both Ty and Gavin will always be your beautiful boys. Nothing has changed with your relationships. The love is still there.
You are doing so well with Gavin. Gavin is such a great kid. He loves Ty with all his heart too and he's only three and yet he is trying so hard to understand the situation - god bless him.
Would it be therapeutic for you to write some of your blog posts to Ty - talking directly to him? I love to think that he is actually beside you giving you his 'wub' and hugs. It's only that we humans don't sense things in the same way as angels. Angels are so much more super than we are.
Thank you for sharing your Ty with us - it's okay to be down. It's okay to share your grief too. We'll do our best to support you through this.
Judy
Thinking of you and praying for your family. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteMary from Buffalo, NY
oh cindy we love you so much!! xo
ReplyDeleteCindy...When I think of your thoughts I completely get it. There is nothing natural or normal about being away from your child...especially when it's for your lifetime. I hope he visits you today and leaves you a sign that you can see and hold onto.
ReplyDeleteHugs from far away.
Laura
Cindy, I have found this Hungarian poem written by a mother who lost a child almost 100 years ago. I translated the first two stanzas for you... I hope you find some solace in them.
ReplyDeleteOne day in eternity
Just a few years, some months only,
Just one day in eternity
You sleep without me, my child.
Just one night and I’m coming
Here on Earth everything’s passing
And I’ll be with you again.
And I’ll collapse in your arms, my everything
There, over and beyond everything,
We’ll be one again.
Let's just get this out of the way from the start... what your family, and especially Ty, had to endure no one outside of your immediate circle can ever comprehend, and no one else can feel the loss in exactly the same way that you and Lou are experiencing right now. It sucks that cancer attacked your son and the pain and anguish that it caused (along with the terrible toll that the treatments took on Ty's body, but not his spirit) and I can't express enough how much it makes me alternatively pissed and sad.
ReplyDeleteAs everyone else has stated thousands of times to you, no parent should ever have to go through an ordeal like this, especially with it happening to their child.
That being said, even you have described "feeling Ty's presence" on multiple occasions since he passed away. He is inside your family's heart, and in the heart of those of us that have followed your blog and continue to have an emotional investment for the struggle of raising awareness for childhood cancer and improving treatments, survival rates and compassion for those suffering through this until cures are finally found. I am convinced that he does visit you and his love is what you feel when you "notice things that Ty would have loved".
It is difficult to describe to a three year old the concept of death, and not being able to see their loved one anymore. You are doing a great job with keeping it in terms that Gavin can understand. When he has these outbursts, it just affirms that Ty has made a lasting impact on him and will forever be a part of who and what Gavin is and will become.
As far as the worry that Ty is "alone", let your heart guide you through those moments of doubt. Remember, faith is simply not being able to prove something (like God, eternal life, angels, or loved ones watching over us), yet being convinced that it is real regardless of a lack of any empirical evidence. I would suggest telling Gavin that the part of Ty that will live forever visits regularly and smiles at all of the happy moments in your lives, and cries with you when someone is hurting. So long as we carry our love for them in our hearts, they will never be gone.
I know that this is hard for you, and your blog is helping you to focus and provides an outlet for your hurt, as well as the joys you experience. It is also therapautic to those that have experienced similar losses in their lives or are going through similar battles with their loved ones. I hope that you realize that Ty was special, and will continue to be so through your posts and your actions.
Thank you Cindy, for continuing to share with us your love for Ty. It is only through parents that fight this battle that we can hope to bring the necessary funding for research and care to defeat this deadly killer.
With love and hope... Dean V.
Thank you Dean for such a thoughtful comment - I agree wholeheartedly with everything you wrote. Cindy - we all love and support you, Lou and Gavin each and every day. We'll work hard to keep Ty's spirit alive as we spread awareness in his name and fight for more research, better treatments and raise lots of money in his honor.
ReplyDeletePlease know that my heart is heavy for you and your family and that I'm still thinking and praying for strength and comfort for you all.
ReplyDeleteThis may not be easy to see or hear right now, but when I imagine Ty, he is with friends, family, God and his Son. He is not alone but laughing, smiling, flying and joyful. More importantly, like you've said Cindy, he is everywhere. I pray to him everynight, and pray for you, Lou and Gavin. Where he is undoubtably is Paradise.
ReplyDeleteCindy, this entry was especially heartbreaking. I'm so, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to share this little story with you... a few days after Ty passed away I was making pancakes for my little girl and discovered that some of the batter had splattered out off to the side of the cake when I flipped it. The splatter formed a perfectly-shaped 'T'. When I saw it I stood there over the stove and stared at it for the longest time. I didn't take a picture of it. For some reason I didn't think I should. I don't know why I felt that way. I was just so mesmerized by it. I stood there looking and thinking about Ty and about all of you. I took it out of the pan and placed it on a little plate next to the stove and I left it there all day. I didn't discuss it with my husband or anyone else, until now. I just kept it there for a while, my own little sign of Ty. I didn't know Ty or your family, but as with everyone else who has been reading your blog, I feel like I know all of you and I think of you all every single day. Today, for some reason, I feel the need to share this with you.
Thinking of you always and sending our biggest hugs.
That is amazing! I have had similar instances too. A day or two after Ty passed it was pouring out and I was getting my boys into the car to bring them to school and when I got my 5 year old in the car he turned to me and said, "mom look, there is Gold everywhere on our car!" I stopped in my tracks and instantly thought of Ty and wondered what was my son seeing that I couldn't. This past Sunday I took the boys for a walk to our favorite place... a big hill that overlooks the hudson valley and has a beautiful view of the catskill mountains. I always say its as close to heaven as we can get, because you truly feel close to the clouds. Well this past weekend, Me and my boys (3 & 5) were walking back to the car and again my 5 year old says..."mom look! A golden butterfly!" I looked and there it was flying around us, a gold butterfly, in the beginning of November on a cold brisk day!" I just smiled and knew it was a message from above, letting me know TY is okay. I never met him, but I think of him and his family every single day, like they are a part of my family!
DeleteMy heart just literally hurts and aches for you! It must tear your heart to pieces when you are talking to Gavin about Ty. Ty is not alone, he is still around you, you may not see him or have his physically body, but he is there! I know how difficult that is, It's hard to find peace in that because you miss him soo, but he is still there, his spirit is all around you! I hope you have a better day today, I hope Ty sends you a sign that he is there with you!
ReplyDeleteHello Cindy - I've been following your blog and personally feel connected wtih you and your family. When I talk about your story and mention your precious Ty, I strongly feel that I know you and your family and that we are friends. I had to bury my precious baby girl -and 12 1/2 years later, my heart is still heavy. However - the greatest advice was given to me and I want to pass it along to you. When you enter Heaven, Ty will be waiting there for you and greet you and he's gonna say "Hi Mommy! I've been waiting ALL DAY for you to join me so I can show you my new friends!"... I take comfort in knowing that your precious Ty is chatting it up with my sweet Hannah and they will both be waiting for us when we get there.
ReplyDeleteI lift each of your family members up in prayer daily. If I could get to where you were at, I would give your entire family the biggest hug ever!
That hurts to hear what Gavin said, I can't imagine how painful it was for you...Gavin is trying to make sense of why his brother isn't here. Absolutely heartbreaking. Please don't think that your wish to hold Ty is ever desperate! Of course, you want to hold him, your baby boy. How could that ever be thought of as desperate? Noone can judge anything your family has been through. We are all here to always support you, and remember and honor Ty. Love you Campbell's! And Cindy you are the most gracious, eloquent and superb mommy, don't ever think otherwise, you are doing the best you can even if you think you're sometimes not. Nothing but love and good wishes to you all, always!
ReplyDeleteUGGGHHH. this is why I cant read your blog or the posts at work. I cant stop crying now. ppl here at work are going to think that I am deppress. yesterday n today same thing. Cindy, please be strong. <3
ReplyDeleteCompletely heartbreaking!!! I can't say anymore. There are just no words to even try to make this better for you b/c it's just not possible.
ReplyDeleteJennifer Russo, Lake Grove, NY
Dearest Cindy,
ReplyDeleteYou never need to appologize for your feeling sad and not having anything "positive" to share with us. Rest assured that every minute of everyday, one of your friends near or far is thinking and praying for you and your family.
Please know that Ty is not alone or sad. My kids and I were discussing how time in heaven is for Ty. I reminded my 8 year old that time in heaven is not like it is on earth. While it may seem forever before you get to be with Ty, to him it will be like a blink of an eye. And remember, this world is not our home. Ty is home happily waiting to welcome you and Lou and Gavin and show you around to all the best places to play and jump and run. Ty will continue to be with you all and he is encouraging you along this journey.
Remind Gavin that Ty is with him. Tell him it is just like the air we breathe. We can't see it, but it is there. Ty is there even if you can't see him.
I pray today brings you a sign from Ty to bring a smile to your beautiful face. I will continue to pray for peace for you, Lou and Gavin.
Continued prayers and loving thoughts..we don't expect uplifting thoughts from you, just know that we are sending our uplifting thoughts to you, Lou, and Gavin.
ReplyDeleteWhat a heartbreaking conversation! It is hard enough for us as adults to deal with death I can only imagine what is like for a 3-year old that just lost his brother and very best friend. I think of you guys all the time. I wish there were words that could ease your pain even a little. Just know that Ty will live on in you, your family, and all of those who fell head over heels for your sweet boy. Sending hugs and prayers from Texas!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry...my heart breaks for you. No mother should lose her baby...No father should lose his baby & Gavin did not deserve to lose his big brother. God please make this stop!! Stop letting Cancer take babies!!
ReplyDeleteI am sure my little boy has found Ty and is playing with him. My son became an angel just over a year ago, another child stricken with a brain tumor. Ugh :( He was 7 yrs old.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to explain to a 3-year-old things that are impossible for adults to understand. Big huge hugs for you all from NC.
ReplyDeleteCindy - Everytime I see Max and Ruby and blue lollipop I think of Ty. And I never say know when my 4 year old boy and my 6 year old girl ask for endless piggyback rides. You have made so many parents better ones. And Ty is with God, holding His hand. I know there is nothing I can say to bring you comfort, but I want you to know Ty and your family have brought more awareness than you may know to this disease and you have helped countless families. I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteCindy,
ReplyDeleteI am in tears reading your post - and I feel sick to my stomach. I feel physically in pain for you. No little boy should have to go through what Ty went through. No Mom or Dad should have to endure what you have. And no little brother should have to permanently say goodbye to his older brother. I can't quite make sense of all of this but please know that Ty has touched so many and your story is reaching far and wide. I will say prayers for your family and keep you in my thoughts.
xoxo
Children are so wise - Sometimes I feel as adults we are less so because we have let so much in from the outside to cloud even our basic thoughts. We have so much more fear because we have experienced so many more dangers. I believe there is a peaceful place (we call it heaven) where all these fears dissipate and there is complete happiness...even for a five year old. Thank you so much for sharing your Ty with us and for all the awareness you are bringing to childhood cancer.
ReplyDeleteCindy,
ReplyDeleteI can tell from reading your blog over time that is it 'you' to apologize for things. Or to always try to find a way to be positive at some point (I admire that). But the past two days, you noted how your post about Ty and his chapstick sounded desparate and apologized today for not having anything uplifting to say.
Please know, you do not have to apologize. You feel what you feel, write what YOU want. You are who you are. You do not have to entertain or make us feel better. We are here for you. Some to listen, some to respond. To be your sounding board. You write whatever the heck you want to write girl! :-) Personally, I feel like I would think the same things you think. I have a 5 year old son. It is normal to think things that may seem abnormal. Losing your child is abnormal. You are trying to survive. You do, think, write whatever you need to to get you through the day. And I think it helps you for Gavin and Lou. To get the feelings out. I don't often read what people write to you, but from what you write I feel like there may be some negativity or them questioning Gavin's welfare. Gavin is a sweet boy, but you've said it before, this blog was started for Ty. For you, and in that way, it helps Gavin and Lou. I wish any of those people would just let you focus on what this is. You are kind enough to share it with us, no one should dictate or worry about what you write or how your thoughts sound. They should just be happy you are getting it out here, instead of bottling it up. Anyway, I ramble. Please know that people are reading and listening, and thinking of you everyday. I walked the Walkway on the Hudson yesterday, thought of Ty. You keep living your life girl. Take it day by day. Write what you want. I know you will, because it seems to be 'you', but please know, you need not apologize for anything on here. This is YOUR SPACE. I've never met you but you are in my heart forever.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteSo well said. I agree but am not so good with the words to say so myself. Cindy, you & your family are always in my thoughts & prayers.
Delete*edited because I apparently can't type either.
My Mom is heaven and she can watch him. She went to heaven 21 years ago when I was 23.. she can watch Ty. I will ask her to watch out for Ty. Please don't worry you have to believe he is not alone.. he is watching out for you. I hope you get a sign today.. somehow.
ReplyDeleteKerry
Cindy, you, Lou and Gavin are in my daily prayers. I can't imagine the pain and uncertainty you face daily. I love Ty so much and miss him dearly, I can't thank you enough for sharing him with the world. I like to listen to a song called "Safe and Sound" and think of you and your little angel. You are amazing Cindy and I am so sorry for what you are going through...
ReplyDeleteIt's called "Just Close Your Eyes"... My mistake. :-)
DeleteHi Cindy..I was walking in a CVS in Saint James on long island the other day and noticed a little boy with a knit hat like Ty's and his Mom was too! I immediately thought Wow Ty has touched everyone! So many people know his story! May God give you and your family strength to endure, and to find peace that Ty is indeed safe with Our Heavenly Father, in his arms, until someday you will be reunited with him.
Deletethinking of you and your family everyday..you are always in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteTears...streaming down my face..
ReplyDeleteIt's odd, I read that, and I thought - how lucky is Ty. He's got God all too himself. How can anyone be alone "with God". God is everything. All people, all places, all plants, all animals. There's no alone there. Not like we know.
ReplyDeleteBut even though I thought that, I have tears streaming down my face - had to close my office door. Because it's not Ty that's alone. It's you, it's Lou, it's Gavin. The spot that Ty filled in y'alls lives will never be filled. And that's an alone no one should ever have to get acquainted with.
I totally get the "alone in heaven" thing, but I also think that heaven has to be so wonderful that it's not like you are alone. And that you can "be" with your loved ones whenever needed. I think Ty is with you all often, whether you realize it or not. And don't feel bad about not being "uplifting." You don't have to be or shouldn't be anything you don't feel like. You write or say or feel anyway you want, because you have that right after all that you have gone through and are going through.
ReplyDeleteCindy, I would have fallin apart! I am so in awe of you.Please just remind yourself and Gavin that Ty is never alone with God and he has all of you in his heart and mind and sees you and is with you all the time.Ty knows you are thinking of him all the time and you are with him always.God bless you and grant you peace.You are doing it all right....Jean <3
ReplyDeleteI just don't feel like Ty is alone...yet I've never even gotten to touch Ty and yet i feel him with me. I guess he's my angel, it comforts me to think he is in the wind when i go places. Last night I was sitting in my chair crocheting and I swear I smelled the flavor of a blue lollipop, I asked my husband did you just open something fruity in the kitchen, no...then not but a few minutes later I smelled my mom's perfume. she knew I was crazy in love with Ty, so I think they came to visit. Im telling you it wasn't creepy, it was very comforting. I'm getting a new granddaughter Christmas day and the blanket is for her, My mom loved her babies!Kind of reminds me of you!! Thanks for being how you are, you really give all of us strength! We need you Cindy, lol!! Love and Prayers, Terri
ReplyDeleteYou can share all your bad days with us and never feel sorry. We don't read to be uplifted. We want to just connect with you because we care so much about you and your family. I'm so sad for you and I will always remember your family in my prayers.I also can't wait to meet sweet ty on the beautiful side.
ReplyDeleteI had a miscarraige the day I found out that Ty passed. I have never felt so sorrowful. Between Ty and the lose of a baby I was so low. I feel like Ty was there with me though telling me it was all going to be ok. I know I felt him. Thank you Ty... I have four healty children and I count those blessings everyday and night.
We love you Cindy!
Ty is safe and happy, running free and most importantly, free of pain. He will always be in your heart as well as Lou's and Gavin's. It's normal to feel what you are feeling. It's been two weeks since you have seen and felt your baby and with each passing day, it's only natural that you miss him more. Please write and say all you feel. We are all here for you and your family. We love you and your family more than you'll ever know. We mourn with you, the loss of yout precious baby. I pray that Ty comes to you in your dreams so that you'll "know" he is alright. I pray for peace and comfort for you, Lou and Gavin. There really are no words. For the upcoming holidays, as you celebrate all of the firsts without Ty, pick a place and just go. Get away and do something you have never done before. Just focus on being a family and being there for one another. Hugs to you, Cindy. Please give sweet Gavin and kiss for me. I'm so sorry...
ReplyDelete:( No mother should feel this pain. As I choke on my tears, I cannot find any words....I'm so sorry for your pain.
ReplyDeleteIn my mind's eye, I imagine Ty is in a good place. With the grown-up soul he should have grown into...I have to tell you I always chafe a bit when people say "my loved one is in a better place" because you know what, little kids SHOULD be with their parents. It feels unnatural and wrong for him to not be with you because it is wrong.
ReplyDeleteBut maybe Ty's soul wasn't a little kid. Maybe in heaven he gets to be all the ages he should have been, and see colors we can't see, and gets to meet interesting and kind people. I hope so. He was lucky to be born into a family that loved him deeply here on Earth, and that kind of luck won't desert him now. We should all be so impossible not to love....look how many people loved him just through this blog?
Sending you hugs and my best from here.
Cindy: I am so sorry you had a terrible day. It is hard to find words that will comfort you. But, know this. Many people, myself included, have you close in our hearts. I don't know how you do it. You are an inspiration. All my love.
ReplyDeleteLaura in Texas
Sometimes, when reading your blog, I have to take a break, beacause it is so painful I have to stop and go back to it when I am feeling more "stable". I feel so bad doing that because you cannot get a break...you never have a break.
ReplyDeleteI believe Ty is waiting for you and Lou and Gavin..He is not alone and I would say time may not even be a concept for our souls when we pass. He knows you are eventually coming...just like the first time you left him at preschool or left him with a sitter. He is having fun and he knows you are coming back to him.
I pray they you will find comfort today Cindy. Sending my love to You, Ty, Gavin and Lou.
Your post is agonizing to read Cindy. I wish that I could do something to ease your pain and provide some hope in all of this grief. I am thinking of you and your family everyday and praying that each day you may see, hear and feel something from Ty to help you through.
ReplyDeleteSending love and prayers.
Lou, Cindy & Gavin,
ReplyDeleteMy continued thoughts & prayers are with you & all of your family. I am so sorry.
Thank you for continuing to share your courageous & heartbreaking journey.
God Bless.
- Rob Swan
Not even a sparrow can fall to the ground without God knowing....
ReplyDeleteIt is small and of little value to men. But God knows and cares for each and every one. And more importantly, not a single one falls to the ground without God knowing.
God loves you. He knows the exact number of hairs on your head and everything about you. There is no need to ever be afraid when you have made Jesus the Lord of your life. You can serve God boldly knowing that as you put your complete trust in Him, there is nothing to fear, and nothing you can't do by faith...
And one day you will meet your TY again... <3
Dear Cindy
ReplyDeleteI made a video for you and Lou on YouTube and I was wondering if you would please watch it then comment so I know you did also it still is hitting me that Ty is gone but not foreever and I want you to remember that you will see him again in heaven matter of fact he will be there waiting for you right at the gates then you Lou and Gavin can live together again just like it was before Ty's diagnosis!! Also now he can walk run sleep on both sides of his head!!
Love
Kyleigh miller
Hey the video is called fro Ty's mom sorry I messed up on for
ReplyDeleteKyleigh,
DeleteI watched your video. How nice of you! It made me cry. Another parent.
Cindy, Ty is not alone. He probably has so much attention in heaven that he doesn't know what to do. I have just started following your blog after Rockstar Ronan published your email to Maya and I know you say that you sound desperate a lot. Cindy, from a total stranger, you never sound desperate, you sound honest. Just because you believe strongly in faith, as I do, doesn't mean that you have to be this uplifting, all happens for a reason poster child. You have every right to be sad, negative, angry, disgruntled, etc. Everyone understands and we are not even in your shoes. Please stop apologizing for telling how you feel. There is no need. I wish I lived in NY so that I can give you a huge hug and possibly buy you a beer or glass of wine. I think about you and family every day. I ask Ty and Ronan to watch over my boys constantly. Me and Gavin (my three year old) pray for your family every night at bed time.
ReplyDeleteAs a parent of two boys (3 and 1) I find your blog bittersweet. Bitter, to the point where I fear I will lose one of my boys and sweet to the fact that it's opened my eyes and instead of giving my boys 100 kisses a day, they get 200.
It's funny after reading about Ronan and Ty, break up songs mean something completely different to me. I no longer think of lost loves when I hear them, I think about lost children that should never have been lost. It's weird how the mind works, huh?
XXOO from St. Louie,
Kim
Hi Cindy,
ReplyDeleteI have wanted to write you so many times but just didn't know what to say. I started following Ty's story after it was mentioned on Ronan's page. I have a beautiful 4 year old and my heart breaks each time I read about your family's final days with Ty and the days following his passing. I find myself picturing me in those situations with my daughter and I fall to pieces. I can't begin to imagine the pain and heartbreak you and your family are experiencing.
I think about Ty all of the time. I also received the Target catalog and after reading your comment about his name on the cover I went to look. OMG...there it was, big as day. The T and Y were jumping out. Surely a message from Ty and God!! I truly believe that. I wanted to just suggest something that could help Gavin a bit or at least bring him some comfort. I just read a book to my daughter 2 nights ago that I thought was so amazing and she really loved it. I know all about the boy that wrote it but hadn't read the book. It is Heaven Is For Real by Colton Burpo. It is the version meant specifically for young children to understand.
I pray for you, Ty and your family daily. Cindy I have to tell you that you and your husband make beautiful. Ty's smile is absolutely contagious. I so enjoy seeing the pictures you post. They always make me smile (often through tears.) You are amazing and inspiring and I wish you all the happiness you so deserve!! XOXO
Sincerely,
Kelly from Richmond, VA
Gee I wonder what Gavin would think about ty's ashes. I would guess it could be frighteing. Maybe it would help him understand the difference between soul and body. Just so unfair. I'm sosooooo sorry. - lora
ReplyDeleteTotally forgot to write the word children after "beautiful." Sounds a bit freaky without it. ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Cindy-
ReplyDeleteI want you to take a quick moment and think about what I am going to say...I am a teacher. Each day parents leave their kids with me and I have to tell you I love every little soul that enters my room. I take care of them from the minute they are with me to the minute they leave. They are loved so deeply- really they are, and protected. I am so far from even comparing myself to or my class to Heaven but I truly believe your little guy is still safe, is experiencing the deepest love, and is NOT alone. All the other angels in Heaven are watching over him and I believe they will continue to do so until the day you meet up with him. The kids- they miss their mommies and daddies- but it's only temporary. With God there is no pain, no sadness...so Ty is okay now. Your souls will be together again- this life is temporary but the love we build here is eternal and nothing can break that. He will be waiting or you, and until then he will be playing and be watched over by all of the family and friends he is with. Please believe he is safe, and that someone is with him. Hugs to you- healing in your hearts and prayers of strength. You are not alone and neither is Ty<3
I wish I had some great words like the other posters to comfort you but all I keep thinking is I would wonder the same thing. It is so unnatural! The love between a mom and her little ones is so strong. I always believed that when we meet up in heaven our children turn into babies again and we get to do the whole thing all over again. I think you will get another chance to parent Ty again and the second time around he will be healthy.
ReplyDeleteCindy, you have to read "Heaven is for Real". This book brought me so much comfort dealing with my own brothers death due to cancer. It is the story of little Colton Burpo's near death experience and all that he encountered during his few minutes away from earth. I'm not a really religious person but I do believe in God and Jesus and this book completely reaffirmed my faith. As the commenter above stated there is a beautifully illustrated short version specifically made for children. This may help Gavin understand what is going on. You should also look at the YouTube video that Ben Breedlove posted before he passed away last Christmas. Stories like this may help you find peace knowing that Ty is surrounded by such love and he is in an absolutely pain free wonderful place. Much love to your family! Maria
ReplyDeleteHere is A link to part one and part two of Ben breedlove's YouTube Video. Hope it works. Maria
ReplyDeletehttp://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=tmlTHfVaU9o&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DtmlTHfVaU9o
http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=relmfu&v=a4LSEXsvRAI
Cindy & Lou,
ReplyDeleteI promise you and Lou will get Gavin through this. He is so little and just does not understand what happened to his brother. It is hard for a child to understand, it is hard for an adult to understand too. Thankfully Gavin has the best parents in the world to love him and answer all the questions he has. I think with this, there are no right or wrong answers.
I hate what happened to Ty, I think there is no excuse and it makes me sick, but you are going to change the world! Ty and your family have changed so many lives and I know you guys will fight until Childhood Cancer gets the awareness and funding it needs and deserves. You, Lou, Ty and Gavin will do so much good for so many children battling this disgusting disease!
(((((Hugs)))))
Joy Marielle
Baltimore, MD
Oh baby Gavin you didn't deserve to loose your brother and to have such tough conversation with your mom. You were supposed to be the little brother and not worry about where Ty body is. Cindy, I feel horrible for you. You lost your 5 yo baby and now you have to explain to your 3 yo about the horror of reality. Of course Gavin worries about Ty of course he wants his brother to have his body and be strong somewhere he doesn't know where. He is so worried about him. This conversation is the worst and your reality is just unimaginable. I want to heal your broken heart so much and I hate myself for not being able to do so. And every time the only thing that calms me down is that Ty your precious baby is not in pain, he is not crying and you are with him feeling useless because you can't relieve his pain. Ty, please come to baby Gavin in his dreams and teach hm that you are okay and tell him not to worry about you. Love you and miss you Ty. Love you Cindy, Lou and baby Gavin. Stay strong, and win over cancer.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you personally, but I'm a mama of 2 boys 19 months apart. All I wish I could do is fly out there and give all of you a big hug. I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering through. It really pains me to read about your heartache, but I hug and kiss my boys a million times more everyday.
ReplyDeleteI'm sooo sorry. :( I wish I had something more to give you than this old, trite phrase and a simple sadface. My heart is hurting for you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Although I'm sure it's not worth much, I died once (for two minutes) and it was an indescribably wonderful feeling of pure love, and I did not feel alone at all. It happens to mesh very well with everything I've read in those post-life books. I believe very much that I met God for a minute. Another FYI: My great-grandmother hugged me.
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteMy heart is heavy reading this. I cried & cried and chills went through my body. Your beautiful, sweet, good angelic Ty is with my sweet baby boy, playing, laughing enjoying heaven & all its glory. When I lost my son 10 years ago there's not a single day that goes by that I dont think of him, or his smell his precious voice plays in my head like a melody every single day and will till I'm reunited with him.
You are allowed to scream, yell,cry and grieve in your own way. I lost a part of me when my baby boy passed and I whispered in his ear you take this part of my heart with you & hold on to it till mommy can come and be with you in heaven. I know how you feel, I know how you hurt & I know how you love for I too have walked that path and still do on many occasions. You are an inspiration to so many & you are blessed to have had true angel a true hero, your first love that has a piece of you, daddy, his lil' brother with him. And he is with you and won't ever leave you in spirit he is everywhere. Thank you for sharing and continuing to share your beautiful family with the World <3 May God Bless you <3
Cindy, try to remember that heaven, the afterlife, is not at all like life here on earth. It's in another dimension. No one is alone. There is no time. It's unfathomable. It is beyond our comprehension and so much greater than our finite experiences. Try not to visualize little Ty on this plane anymore. He is above us all, better, everywhere. He is not lonely. He is in a constant state of bliss an in a blink of an eye you will be with him, like nothing ever happened. He isn't just with God, he IS God. He IS everything.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find the strength to also comfort Gavin and to answer his questions so that you find peace. We all miss Ty. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.
I agree completely. Xoxox Cindy...praying for you!!
DeleteI wish I had some great words of comfort but I don't. As a mommy I would worry they my son was all alone too, without his family. But he isn't, he is with you he is always visiting you even though you may not see or feel him at times. Hang in there Cindy, I'm sorry today was a bad day.
ReplyDeleteJust listened to your interview on the link from Ty's facebook page. You sounded so strong and should be so proud of yourself. You're helping so many people with Ty's story. Looking forward to the "Muddy Puddles Project" next September!
ReplyDeleteMy Heart breaks more and more everytime I read your blog.. but I keep feeling almost "pulled" to it. I understand that I never met Ty, Gavin, you, or your husband... but I feel like I knew Ty (I know this sounds weird) but my heart breaks everytime I think about him. I cant help but cry... I wish I had the honor of meeting him and your family, Hug him and tell him that everthing will be okay. I can not imagine the pain you are feeling.. I have a 3 and 1 year old and I could never imagine my life without one or both of them. I want to tell you that things will get better, I hope they do... but as a mother.. without your child you feel empty and I get that. You are in my thoughts and Prayers Daily. Stay strong... you have MANY people in your corner!! XOXO
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself, you are all coping the best way you can considering your hearts have been ripped out. I never stop thinking of your angel boys, I am happy you got to spend some time alone with just the family. I'm sure Gavin is trying to understand what's happening to his innocent perfect world and that he's missing his best friend something awful, and secretly waiting for him to come home. I wish I could bring that precious sweet angel baby back to you. I can't imagine how your body aches and how you can carry on. But you must momma for that sweet little angel baby you can hold cause he needs his momma and daddy. Be well and I will pray for all of you everyday...
ReplyDeleteDear Campbells,
ReplyDeleteTy is doing better than ever. I happen to believe that very strongly. My best friend passed away to lukemia when wewe were only 8 years old. The saddest memory i have from that episode in my life is her mother's desperation. 20 years after her passing, i saw my little friend in my dreams. It wasn't your regular kind of dream, this was very vivid. She appeared out of nowhere,wearing her first comunion dress, which was the dress she wore to her grave. When i saw her, i begged her to come with me to visit her mother, i told her her mom missed her so much! She said she could no go, that i was the only person who had permission to see her and that she had come to ask me a favor. Then she said: please tell my mom to stop crying for me. Tell her I'm fine, I'm very happy where I am.
And that was all. She left just like that. This ocurre 20 years after her death, i had lost contact with that family for years, however i managed to find them and delivered the message sent from Heaven. Cindy and Lou, i know this won't fix your broken hearts, but i Know Ty is doing well, just like my fried is.
Love,
sandra
Cindy,there is a fantastic book written for children that helps explain death in a gentle, sensitive way. It's called The Fall of Freddy the Leaf. I'm trying to order a copy for you, but, in the meantime I found the story online. http://achievebalance.com/spirit/theleaf.htm This has to be so confusing for Gavin. I just thought I'd mention it to you as an option to help him wrap his head around this nightmare you are all forced to trudge through! Your family is always on my mind and in my prayers
ReplyDeleteCindy,
ReplyDeleteI cannot find words that could give you even a tiny bit of comfort.... Everyday I wish and I pray that Ty will come back to you in a dream to let you know that he is not alone and he is waiting for all of you when the time comes....maybe that would be some sort of comfort, although it's going to be very painful to wake up...
As far as being uplifting - you are doing an amazing job at trying to see uplifting things, you're SuperTy SuperMommy - I just want to let you know it's perfectly fine to break down, to cry - we're here to listen to the good and the bad :) I want to give you a big huge hug and tell you that with time conversations about Ty will become a little easier, but I think the memories of Ty will always bring tears.... and it will always be ok to cry...
You are an inspiration and you most definitely have the strength and ability to change the world of pediatric cancer treatment...with Ty's help I'm sure...
I light a candle each evening I pray with my son - he knows it's Ty's candle....
Hanna, NY
I wish with all of my heart I could take your pain away and make you whole again. Unfortunately, I don't have those powers. I do know in my heart that Ty is not alone, he is with all of his loved ones that passed on before him as well as his maker who loves him just as much as you, Lou, and Gavin. You will see him again one day, and he will be there waiting for you. Until then he is with you in your heart and soul. His spirit lives on and I know he wouldn't want you to be sad, as hard as that is. He is right next to you always:) Sending your family love, hugs and prayers that everyday gets a little bit easier. I also pray Ty visits you in your dreams. Love to your family from mine!
ReplyDeleteO Cindy.....I just came on here to congratulate you on the awesome job you did on the radio, but then I read your post and I am at a total loss for words! My heart aches for all of you. I think I would just keep reminding Gavin that Ty is with all of you at all times. It is just such a hard concept for him to understand, it is a concept that he shouldn't have to understand really. A concept that you shouldn't have to explain to him. It is all just very unfair. It really is. But you have a gift Cindy. And Ty is smiling and is so proud of all that you and Lou are doing to spread the word and raise money for pediatric cancer. You were AMAZING on the radio, you truly were!!! Just as you were amazing on tv. You just have such a presence about you and are so well spoken, even when it comes to something that I am sure puts a knife in your heart every time you have to speak about your son in the past tense.
ReplyDeleteYou guys just keep on doing what you are doing. Get through each day and only focus on that right now. Ty will help to get all of you through this. Don't think of him as being alone because he is not. No, he is not physically with you guys but he is with you in spirit when he needs to be and playing when he doesn't. He is jumping in muddy puddles and making a snowman up in heaven. And tonight when you go to bed he will be right there beside you. xoxooxoxooxoxooxooxoxo
Oh Cindy, Ty isn't alone. I've asked my dad to keep an eye on him. I told him to look for the angel with mud on his wings, sliding down rainbows and jumping in puddles.
ReplyDeleteCindy with so many prayers from around the world. Ty is bound to make many many friends. My heart goes out to you and your family. I've always donated to MSKCC. I will now donate to your foundation. I've never been a spiritual person, but your blog is making me rethink everything.
ReplyDeleteMahopac Father
I've never commented on your blog before, although I read all your updates. I just never feel like I know or have the right words for you. My words always seem so small and insignificant in relation to your pain. But today - to this post, I felt compelled to let you know that Ty isn't alone. He is with all of you but in a way that we can't comprehend...a way that we don't understand yet. God works these types of questions/problems out for us..and when we get to heaven, it will make sense. Have you ever read a book called "A Travel Guide to Heaven" by Anthony DeStefano? The book helped me immensely when I had questions about heaven. One of the things he says in there is that trying to understand how heaven works...the ins and outs...questions like "how could it really be heaven, if Ty is there without us, his parents?" He explains that we must have faith in God that He is able to fix or take care of this problem in a way we cannot yet fathom, just as a 2 yr old could never fathom higher calculus. Their brains are not programmed to understand that information. Our brains are not programmed to understand how heaven works. I hope this helps you and offers you some small peace as you make your way on this difficult journey. Sending you love, light, peace and happy memories of your sweet, beautiful boy.
ReplyDeleteXXOO
Though it must be really painful for you Cindy, I am happy to hear that little Gavin is asking questions about Ty, as it's a a good indication that he is trying hard to figure out what happened to his big brother in the best way a three year old can. It's apparent that it is really important to Gavin for him to know that Ty is safe & not alone. Maybe talking to him about Ty's angels might be helpful, if you feel up to sharing that part of Ty with him. One idea that just popped into my mind is for you to find an angel figurine for Gavin that he could keep next to his bed, or just somewhere in his bedroom.
ReplyDeleteYou three are always in my thoughts and prayers.
I think about your family so often & miss Ty so much. The day I came to your blog and learned of his passing I sat at my desk and sobbed. I have reading your blog for over a year and even though have never met your special little boy, felt as if I did because of the way that shared him & your family with the world, and I want to thank you for doing that. Happy belated birthday to Lou.