The girl with the broken smile

I used to be the girl with the big, ever-present smile. All my life, I have been complimented for that.  Whenever I meet new friends, business colleagues, teachers or sales associates, they would often tell me that I have a great smile.  I believe that's because I was always so easily humored in every day things, and I lived a genuinely happy life.  I love to laugh.  I think I used to smile so much because it is contagious and it feels good when people smile back.

Ty gets his smile from me.  He is exactly the same.  He laughs so easily and I have no doubt that he would live his life with a huge, sh*t-eating grin on his face all the time.  He always has.  Goofballs.

A few people have asked.  Ty's eyes are green (it's always hard to tell in pictures)

 

I don't think I'll be that person again because I'm so broken now. I'm a better person because of Ty, but if he leaves me behind he will be taking my smile with him.  I know I will find so much happiness in Gavin, but it's just not enough to fill the gaping hole in my heart, the open wound that will bleed forever. 

Ty is still sleeping more during the day, but we have had some great interaction with him over the past two days, too.  His voice is very, very low, but he tries so hard to communicate and we are managing well.  Through all of his ups and downs in these two years, speech has always been difficult when he was at his worst, so this is not a new routine for us.  Lou, Mely and I are pretty good and figuring out what he wants and keeping him happy. 

Ty has always been magnetic.  His long, curled eyelashes and his ridiculously cool hair are just so unforgettable.  I mean, his hair looks like this every day, and we don't do a single thing to it to make it stick up like that.  It's awesome.  He's just a little sleepy here, but feeling good, don't worry.  He is the most beautiful boy in the world. 

I received this message recently that is a true testament to my Ty's magnetism. 
My daughter (who is Ty's age) was going through pictures from three years ago and we came across some from a mutual friend's birthday party and there was Ty. I remember him in the white t-shirt with the black skull and those kick ass boots like it was yesterday. I didn't know you at all then, but he stood out. A kid you meet for 2 hrs and fall in love with.

Because of his weak voice and his general sleepiness, we haven't heard Ty actually laugh in weeks.  He smiles, but the laugh just isn't there and I wasn't sure if I would ever hear that most breathtaking sound again.  Then today it happened!!  I brought in the mail and we had an awesome package for Ty and a very fun package for Gavin.  Mely said, "where's my package?" as a joke.  Naturally, as a mother of two small boys I answered "in my butt."  Oh man did that make Ty laugh!!  He was congested so it didn't sound the same, but that doesn't matter.  He laughed out loud several times over the same silly joke.  See?  Ty loves life and finds humor in the simplest, silliest things.  Why can't God take more crotchety old men and leave the little boys here to make this world a better, happier place.   

I was looking in the mirror today and I am just so sad.  I look like a completely different person.  The smile is gone.  My skin is so worn and dry.  I look into my eyes and there is nothing there.  Like I've completely checked out.  Cancer is sucking the life out of me just as much as it is for Ty.  Probably because we are 100% connected and I feel all he feels.  It's pure evil and it has changed me forever.  If we lose Ty, all of our future happiness will only make the void in our lives more obvious at the same time.  I will never smile as easily or live a life filled with happiness, but I will not let my sadness ruin the fun I have planned for Gavin, either.   

Lou and I went online and bought Ty a suit today.  All white.  You know why.  I still hold onto the hope that we won't need it, as I know you all do.  I believe your prayers and your love for Ty is so strong that anything is possible.  But, still... did we really do that today?  Is that even possible?  I hope you never have to experience such pain, and for the countless people who have reached out because they have walked in these same shoes - thank you for helping me with your kind words.  It takes so much strength just to allow my pain to be yours all over again.  Thank you.

A great friend and huge supporter of childhood cancer awareness arranged a beautiful prayer chain for Ty this afternoon.  I think hundreds of people participated and I know that God was listening.  I went into town for the first time in over a week and was joined by a wonderful friend for a late breakfast.  When 12 noon rolled around, we crossed the street, stepped into the church, and prayed together.  It was comforting.  It was also hard to hold back the tears.  Ty has been through hell over the past two years.  He has endured so much.  It sounds selfish to write this, but my prayers for a miracle have stipulations attached - and I struggle with that.  Unless Ty is going to jump off that couch, returned to his full physical potential, then I don't want this anymore.  He has fought too long, and been knocked down harder and harder with every battle.  He always gets up again, but I am ready to tell him "not this time."  His stitches from his 27th surgery are still visible. How many does it take?  I look at him on the couch, how confused and uncomfortable he is, and I just don't want this for him anymore.   

 
Please, please, please, holy, gracious God, help him to jump off the couch and onto his freckled feet. I promise you, he will be the greatest man someday. Ty Louis Campbell will spread so much good and bring so much laughter to this world. He's already doing it and he's not even five years old. I promise to have a permanent smile on my face and it will be contagious!!