Waterproof mascara?

I had a mental debate over whether or not I should wear waterproof mascara at 5:30 this morning.  I decided against it in an effort to stay positive about Ty’s scan that is just hours away.  His MRI is scheduled for 8:30AM and I am writing this post on our way into the hospital.  I feel like this MRI is one of the scariest.  It may come back as his first scan that shows “no change,” halleluiah.  That would mean that the areas in Ty’s brain that received radiation to the tumor sites (including the brain stem and the Cerebellum) show no signs of growth.  That those tumors are inactive and potentially destroyed.  If that is the case, then we are dealing with microscopic disease, Ty should continue to do well and we will begin a stronger course of chemotherapy this week.  If that is not the case… well, I don’t have the capacity to take this in that direction right now.  I need to stay focused and stay positive. 

Late last night, I knew I would have trouble sleeping so I had full intentions of cleaning out my food pantry – which is a total mess.  Instead I ended up drinking wine, crying in the solitude of my bedroom upstairs for a while due to the stress and then crawling into bed next to Ty and passing out to my surprise.  I was up before the alarm though, and I feel like a crazy person this morning.  I am wearing four saint medals around my neck, and a gold cross.  And, I have a beautiful Kabbalah bracelet on.  I have lucky stones in my pocket that were given to Lou by one of his patients who survived cancer along with rosary beads from the Vatican.  I slept with several other relics, prayer cards and good luck charms under my pillow and I have a tiny glass “lucky ladybug” in my other pocket.

I also have my heart shaped “keep fighting” charm in that pocket.  Last night, when I got into bed with Ty and put my arms around him, I found it laying right there on the sheets next to him.  It had fallen off of the bracelet that I wear so religiously.  I don’t even know how, but I couldn’t fix it.  To say that my heart fell into my stomach is an understatement.  Thoughts raced around my head about what that might mean.  Why would such a thing occur on the night before his MRI?  What is that supposed to mean?  Does it matter if the charm is in my pocket instead of on my wrist?  I decided not.  I will have my hand on that pocket all morning to make sure it doesn’t go anywhere.  I think that might put me over the edge.  There is a woman who recently lost her son - we shared a room with them at Sloan Kettering and I think of them every day.  On the day of his MRI she was waiting in the toy room for the results just as I will be in a couple of hours.  As she saw his doctor pass she began to gather up her things when her necklace with a Saint Michael relic fell right off her neck. The news was very bad and I have severe chills just writing about it – that story haunts me. 

My mind really plays tricks on me.  I was even upset about the rain this morning because I had to change the outfit I planned on wearing and for a fleeting second I thought that might be bad luck (just because the pants I originally wanted to wear have spent a lot of time in the hospital with me).  It’s really so silly.  As if Ty’s cancer is going to go away if I am wearing the right pants!  This is why I say I am a crazy lady today.  Ty would agree, he loves to call me a “cwazy way-dee” with a giant smile and I humbly accept the title.

I have to wrap this up so I can focus on my Hail Mary’s for the rest of the ride in.  We have a lot of mom-to-mom chats during these long car rides into the city.  And, Colleen, thank you for lending me your angels and sending many more our way today.  I swear to you all that I can feel angels around us sometimes and I will think of them in the room with Ty as we leave him there under anesthesia.  It helps so much knowing they have their loving wings wrapped around him.   That along with all of your thoughts, prayers, positive energy, healing light and whatever else you want to send our way will help to ensure that Ty continues on this path of improvement.  Thank you so much, we are grateful beyond words.  XOXO.