Amidst smiles, my heart aches

Tomorrow we are heading home.  I am ready to go, but also sad to leave.  I think I always feel that way toward the end of any vacation.  We have had great luck with the weather – nothing but beautiful clear and sunny days.  We enjoyed fires on the beach at night, boat rides and sand castles during the day. 

I shouldn’t be sad.  Ty has been so happy during our time here.  He looks absolutely amazing, he is getting so strong and he is gaining more and more confidence in himself.  He is feeling good.  No headaches, no vomiting in several days.  He is eating well - although he drives us crazy with how picky he is - and he hasn’t had a single accident since he was strong enough to get back on the potty a couple of weeks ago.  I’m so proud of him.  He is so strong, and so willful.  He is my dream come true.

I have been enjoying our time here immensely, but I would be lying if I said this vacation has been filled with 100% happiness.  Instead, my heart aches with every beautiful sunset, every infectious giggle and every moment of silence I get.  I don’t want to go home to more chemotherapy and anticipation.  I don’t want Ty to have to suffer through this anymore, I just want this improvement to continue until he is returned to optimal health.  I just don’t want to face the reality of having a child with cancer.  I want every existing cancer cell in his body to be obliterated.  I want what Ty prays for every night and wishes for on every star… “no more cancer, no more hospital.”  Ever since I caught him quietly whispering that phrase to a blinking toy ring in the hospital during his very first treatment, that saying has defined the very essence of my soul.  It’s all I can ever wish for… for Ty, and for everyone. 

Lou mentioned putting a deposit down on a lake house for next year and I immediately felt sick.  This lake has been a vacation spot for my family ever since I was a baby myself, but if things don’t go well I don’t think I ever want to come here again.  I have too many beautiful memories of Ty here.  Below I posted a photo of Ty at the lake every year since he was born.  All week I have been haunted by the thought of ever coming here without him.    

I try to remind myself that he already beat the odds by being here this year, but it doesn’t help me feel better.  The other day I was on the boat with the whole family and Ty was crying before falling asleep because he couldn’t get comfortable.  I thought about how he should be standing at the front of the bow, with wind in his hair like his cousins.  About how he would otherwise be running around with them all week, fishing and digging and swimming.   I cried under my sunglasses and even though I heard my family talking and discussing things like what we should have for lunch or how we should spend the rest of the afternoon, I simply wasn’t there.  I was somewhere else completely.  These moments of heartache have been frequent during this vacation, but they don’t last long and for that I am grateful.  I guess it’s just impossible to forget the reality of our situation, even during the happiest of times, and maybe that’s a good and safe thing.  I don’t know. 

Ty is excited about how strong he is getting.  He constantly calls across the room, “look Mama!” so I can see him knocking his knees together, or pulling he feet up to his chest independently.  He has been practicing his walking at least two or three times a day, and he can get all the way across a room with assistance.    

Gavin has been making us laugh constantly.  He is loving the lake and having so much fun.  He just loves to roll around and tackle everyone.  He has been SO good with Ty, too.  Helping out when he is practicing walking, giving him hugs and kisses, holding his hand on the boat.  He is our comic relief and our greatest blessing. 

As I mentioned, we will return home tomorrow and I will return to posting more frequently.  Thank you so much for always checking in on us.  It is very therapeutic for me to be able to share with you all, and I look forward to having internet service again!  XOXO and all of our love.