Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Salty Sandwiches

I swear I have had some good days (all things considered), but the past two days have been very, very heavy.  The opposite of good.  I have been so slow and my eyelids feel like they are kept open with toothpicks.  I haven't worn any makeup for days.  I look old and run-down.  That's because that is exactly how I feel.  Sad, lonely and ugly, to be honest.  Lou has been in the same funk, too.  We are just missing his blue lollipops and his soft, sweet laughter. 

 

It was a miserable day in general because of all the snow.  I had a chill to the bone all afternoon.  I did accomplish getting Gavin a haircut at Aunt Lizzie's house, but the temper tantrum that ensued when it was time to leave was almost unbearable.  Thankfully, I managed to hold it in all day until Lou took Gavin upstairs for bed.  I started making our turkey sandwiches for lunch tomorrow (one for Gavin and one for me) and suddenly buckets of tears were just falling from my face and into the mayonnaise as I was spreading.   I hope when I bite into my sandwich tomorrow I don't come across that all too familiar taste of salty teardrops. 

Gavin, on the other hand, has been very excitable for days on end.  So much so that I brought a glass of wine with me into the bathroom for tubby time yesterday because I was losing my patience with him and I needed to calm down before losing it on him.  He has a lot of energy and it's not fair that I am too sad to embrace his antics and have fun with him sometimes. 

Some days I put on a very good show for him.  I wear superhero costumes to the supermarket and use my best Hulk voice when we wrestle.  I tickle him like crazy and he fills this house with so much laughter that you would almost think this was a normal, happy home. He loves to sit at the table with me and do legos but never once have I sat there without glancing over to Ty's empty chair imagining him there.  I imagine the same scene in my head with a healthy Ty laughing along with his brother, building legos with him and then chasing him around the house.  I can hear his voice and imagine how strong and loud his giggle would be if he was here and healthy.   Ty was such a beautiful little soul.  He was so incredibly special, I still can't believe he is gone.  I really can't.  I can look at his pictures for hours and hours and just relish in every curve of his face.  I just miss him so much. 

Thank God for Gavin.  He gives me a reason to get out of bed every day.  He puts a smile on my face during my darkest hours.  Forced or not, a smile is a smile.  He is such a character, and I just know that Ty would have had so much fun with him. 

Meet SuperGavin.  Thank you, Jen!


It makes me so sad that Gavin doesn't have his brother to play with anymore. It makes me sad that he loves superheroes so much, now.  Can you imagine how SuperTy would get a kick out of this?  When I was picking Gavin up from preschool at the regular time every day, we would get home and have nothing to do. Just me and Gavin. There's only so much I can play before I lose my mind, so I ended up extending his hours at school so he can be around other children his age all day long. It also allows me to spend more time working on the foundation, and I finally feel like we are making tons of progress despite the long road ahead of us. 

I have learned so much about the challenges behind funding childhood cancer research and just HOW MUCH money is needed to support the cause.  I do believe we are finally taking some bigger strides toward getting there, and there are some very exciting inroads being made.  I just can't wait until I can update you on all of these big announcements once they go public :)   There will be big things happening to raise awareness for childhood cancer and to fund research, and I couldn't have a better group of supporters to help me honor Ty by spreading the word.  Thank you all so very much. 

46 comments:

  1. Super Ty. Super Gavin. Super Hero Mommie. I can not imagine the sorrow you feel. Sending warm feelings from Mississippi.

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  2. Sending you hugs Cindy. Always in my thoughts. Super Ty forever and always <3

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  3. I'm so sorry for your heavy days..I think about you every day -especially those days when my kids are driving me crazy, because I'm reminded not to take them for granted. That is Ty's legacy. That is his gift to us.that is YOUR gift to us.. and we all thank you so much for it. You are doing great things, and we all think you are the biggest superhero of then all for it. Keep fighting that fight!
    Prayers for a better day tomorrow. I hope Ty visits your dreams soon.

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  4. I'm so sorry for your heavy days..I think about you every day -especially those days when my kids are driving me crazy, because I'm reminded not to take them for granted. That is Ty's legacy. That is his gift to us.that is YOUR gift to us.. and we all thank you so much for it. You are doing great things, and we all think you are the biggest superhero of then all for it. Keep fighting that fight!
    Prayers for a better day tomorrow. I hope Ty visits your dreams soon.

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  5. I'm so sorry for your heavy days..I think about you every day -especially those days when my kids are driving me crazy, because I'm reminded not to take them for granted. That is Ty's legacy. That is his gift to us.that is YOUR gift to us.. and we all thank you so much for it. You are doing great things, and we all think you are the biggest superhero of then all for it. Keep fighting that fight!
    Prayers for a better day tomorrow. I hope Ty visits your dreams soon.

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  6. I'm so sorry for your heavy days..I think about you every day -especially those days when my kids are driving me crazy, because I'm reminded not to take them for granted. That is Ty's legacy. That is his gift to us.that is YOUR gift to us.. and we all thank you so much for it. You are doing great things, and we all think you are the biggest superhero of then all for it. Keep fighting that fight!
    Prayers for a better day tomorrow. I hope Ty visits your dreams soon.

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  7. Thinking of you and your family lots of love from Massachusetts

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  8. saw a little boy yesterday with a Captain America Hat on and thought of TY. I think of him every time I see this.

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  9. Just wish I could heal your pain! I can't imagine, I never even got to meet your sweet boy and yet I have grieved for him like he was one of my own. The morning I read that he was gone, I had to leave work, everybody understood, they knew the woe I felt for you. It's hard to explain but we followers out here in Super Ty Land, grew to love him and your family. Sometimes I just cry, I just wish he was there with you. Then I see you being strong and I feel like an idiot, but I just care and I feel so sad for the hole that cancer has left in everybodys life when it took Ty. You are real and amazing, and you give us all such a feeling of appreciation for life! Keep doing what you are doing, Cindy! You are making a difference in so many lives, love and prayers, Terri

    By the way, did you get The Matt Carter Band CD? I mailed it around Christmas? I wanted you and Lou to hear the great song my son wrote about me and my husband's love for each other. Like you and Lou...the song says don't find the one you can live with...find the one you can 't live without!

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  10. Cindy ,
    Don't ever feel you have to provide us with proof that you feel good on some days. No one is or should be judging how you feel, or should feel at any moment in time. Just allow yourself to be.

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  11. jessica d garrison nyMarch 20, 2013 at 5:58 AM

    Agree w Susan above. Im in awe of you. I still spontaneously cry over it and I never even met him. But I do know Ty thru YOU. Thank you for letting me know your absolutely beautiful son. He was a gift to the world.

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  12. Don't thank us Cindy thank Ty.He fought he never lost his smile through it all. He made us all aware and he continues everyday through your heart and hands to fight. It might seem more than you can handle some days but tears of love are just fine. Keep up the awesome job! Just like Ty we love you right back! XOXO

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  13. I also agree with Susan. Im sending you all of my good energy. Anything we can do to hold you up mama. You are tough. Tough because you can keep going while weak. Keep fighting. We have your back.

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  14. Cindy,
    Like several other people have noted, I too feel like I know Ty and your family personally. I became aware of your blog through a link from one of my Facebook friends on the day you posted that Ty had passed away. I had already been following blogs of two other "Cancer Moms" which also touched me deeply, but something about Ty and your family really got to my very core.

    It's partly because Ty reminds me of my 12 yo son when he was younger, with his expressive face and magnetic personality. It's also because Ty is truly a huge presence, in the little video clips I've seen of him he just grabs at the strings to my soul! I love the one where he is so excited to be walking..that energy, that light inside of him--that is still here.

    What also allows me to feel so connected to your situation is your writing skills. You have an incredible gift of being able to convey the depths of your grief in a way that is so raw and honest that I can empathize completely to the point that I start to actually feel what your feeling as I'm reading. Your post about Ty's little grey booties, when you weren't sure if they were cremated with him and you found them in his closet and smelled them--I felt that Cindy...I felt your agony and the longing you must have had for his physical presence at that moment. The difference is, you are living with that feeling all the time.

    Recently I shared with a good friend that I follow several blogs like yours. Similar to a post you recently made she asked, "Why on earth would you want to do that? Why surround yourself with all that depression"?

    I was stunned for a moment because I honestly had never thought of it that way. But I thought about it a lot before responding and I realized why I do so. I am a true believer in the everlasting spirit and of the power in connecting spiritually with others. I don't have all the details figured out on WHERE we go and how it all works, but I don't believe we were meant to know all of that in this dimension. I strongly believe that we can and do connect to that "other" world. I've had many dreams over the years where I've been visited by spirits who told me things I could never have known, that were confirmed later.

    I truly believe that all the people who are touched by your family's story through your blog are becoming affected in a spiritual way. By that, I mean that the prayers we say for Ty and your family, the thoughts and strong feelings we experience--all of that is helping you somehow. I truly believe we are all connected, and that the prayers and love of strangers who know your family only through your blog are lifting Ty, you, Lou and Gavin up. And I am not a religious person at all.

    I've shared here that I've been visited by ladybugs many times recently, and that has not happened since right after my father in law passed away in 2005. I KNOW It's somehow Ty. I've seen others comment here that they are also getting ladybug visits. It's not a coincidence. As I said, I don't know how these things work, I just know they do.

    This past weekend, I decided to read your entire blog from
    your first post up to present. I had never read the older posts before, and when I had finished the enormity of what your family went through in those 2+ years hit me like a ton of bricks. Reading it all in one sitting is truly heart wrenching because it all seems so unfair. That night, I dreamed about Ty and your family ALL NIGHT LONG. They were not visits from Ty--that has not happened to me yet. But it was a fitful sleep and he was on my mind constantly.

    I have no doubt that Ty is still the bright shining, special soul he always was. It hurts so badly that he can't physically be here, but he IS with you. He's with all who love him. He will continue to do great things and touch people forever. Xoxoxooxox

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for such kind words. I am so happy you found us and feel your warmth and goodness through your words.

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    2. Teapea, I really 'get' what you are saying about connecting spiritually and I wholeheartedly agree. I don't know how these things work but somehow they do. It's mysteriously beautiful and powerful.

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    3. Beautifully said Teapea.The spiritual connection, Cindy's writing, everything discribe so well. xxx

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    4. Thank you everyone for your kind comments. <3

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  15. God Bless you and your family always. I can't say it enough but you are an inspiration to us. Ty must be very proud of his mommy, daddy and brothet.

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  16. It will be so good for Gavin to spend time with other children. It just makes the time you spend together more special and you'll have more energy to give to him. God bless you, your family and precious Ty. Even though I don't know you personally, I still think of him every time I see a hawk or a lady bug.

    I live in Poughquag and just started reading your blog about a week or so before Ty passed. So help me all that day I could feel the sadness drifting up the valley. I cried on and off all day about Ty. I kept reading your older blog posts. I was not surprised to see the update about your lovely Ty that night.

    My daughter is 8 and was with me when I was reading your blog and she asked me, Mommy, who is that little boy? I told her all about how special Ty is and how lucky she and I are that we are both healthy.

    Your hand rocked the cradle of a very special little boy and you and your family will do amazing things because of it.

    God bless. - Heather

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  17. Cindy, I saw you and Gavin at Stop and Shop yesterday and it took everything in me not to run up to you and grab you and squeeze you so tight! I wish I would have.. When I look at you and Gavin, I see Ty and his history and could barely breathe with you in front of me. Gavin must have felt me staring because he spun around and caught me trying to get a good glimpse of sweet Ty's brother. Next time I am hugging you! xoxoxo

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  18. Cindy - another way you can share your nonprofit. When people reguister for coupons Ty Louis Campbell Foundation benefits!

    http://www.commonkindness.com/more/for-non-profits

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  19. Cindy - wow, you have such a gift, you are a powerful writer. I never have the words (I'm an not as gifted as you in the writing department). I think all I can say is that I'm so sorry. Your pain is so real and so raw - it's terrible, it's awful that Ty isn't with you and Gavin and Lou. You are going to move mountains, I just feel it. You are wonderful mother, you can see it in Gavin and Ty's smiles. Sending you thoughts of love, calm, self-forgivness. xoxo - Daniella, Seattle WA

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  20. Cindy...there are just no words, I cant imagine the pain you and Lou feel and I cant wrap my head around why a family loses a child! Its just not right!!! I wish I could just offer you a hug, cause there truly is no words that I think could bring comfort. I do know Ty lives on in all of us! He is thought of daily by so many, his love of life have inspired so many, perspectives on life have changed for so many! I wish there was a way you could just hold him agai, hear his laughter! Losing a child is pure torture!!!

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  21. You remain in our daily prayers. Much love from South Carolina!

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  22. My heart breaks for you. Ty is there with u sitting in his chair at your table...u just can't see him. (I know those words don't bring comfort and I am sorry for that) but he is there...his soul lives on. I can't even begin to imagine how u are feeling. I have a 26 yr old daughter and a son who will be 7 in April (yes there is a 20 yr age difference and yes he was well planned...lol) and I thank god for them both every single day. I feel so blessed to have them in my life and I wish U had Ty in yours. I am truley sorry for all you and your family have gone thru, and continue to go thru. Prayers sent to you and I hope time brings a calm blanket to your hearts. Betty Warren, from Beacon NY.

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  23. If there is only one things that I want to be supporting is a cause of why the most beautiful baby boy Ty had to die and die while suffering. We are alive and we owe it to this boy to always talk about him and spread awareness to donate to contribute in anyway. I am so sorry that you are not here Ty to build Legos and play with Gavin. I wish your mom would have to sit and enjoy the love in her coffee while you ans Gavin play superheroes. I'm sorry Cindy that medicine failed him. It's a shame it's heartbreaking and unreal. Can't believe he is not here. I miss you Ty.

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  24. May the angels in heaven embrace you and bring you the comfort you need! Your loss is too great for words to express. I know you have to be strong and Brave for Gavin, however, I am sure it is so hard and some days it is just unbearable the amount of pain... I am so sorry! You are doing incredible things for all of our children-thank you! Just keep feeling the love from Ty-that will never be taken away. Feel it all over-I am sure he is wrapping you up in all of his love every second of the day...

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  25. Keep fighting through! It's times like these that our faith is so severly tested. Just reading your story tests my own faith. I can't imagine your pain. But there is a purpose. There has to be. Your work for Ty's legacy will do great things, in both pediatric cancer, and the message that your bring all of us parents. I hear that message, and it is to SLOW down, take time to enjoy each other because today is all we ever truly have.I'm sorry you have to be the one to show us, but I am ever thankful for it. You all are in my thoughts an prayers. May no other parent know this kind of pain and injustice.

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  26. God Bless little Gavin! Praying for you and your family always! <3

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  27. Cindy, no other blog has touched me like yours. I started following it the month before Ty passed (saw your letter to Maya on her blog). Like Teapea says, "You have an incredible gift of being able to convey the depths of your grief in a way that is so raw and honest that I can empathize completely to the point that I start to actually feel what your feeling as I'm reading."
    I could not have described it better myself!

    Ty has such a sparkle about him, the pictures say it all, and his presence on this Earth will NEVER be forgotten. I wish/hop/pray that a cure for pediatric cancers happens in our lifetime.

    Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and Ty.

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  29. Cindy, as Ty's mum you could only be beautiful and I know Ty and Gavin know that you are definitely the most beautiful mum in the world! And we all think you are beautiful too - on the inside and the outside!

    Wendy & Kai had their first visit to Randwick Ronald McDonald House in Sydney, Australia today and Ty totally inspired their Superhero Visit. They had a team of the following-:
    BATMAN, CAT WOMAN, SUPERMAN, BLACK SPIDERMAN, RED SPIDERMAN AND NINJA PHOTOGRAPHER TO HELP FIGHT THE VILLAIN OF SICKNESS WITH THE KIDS!!! :)

    Wonderful, beautiful, amazing SuperTy is getting around and working his magic on the other side of the world too.
    Much love & hugs,
    Judy

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  30. Cindy, I just wanted to share something with you. Tonight I was roaming around a Salvation Army resale store and came across a Max and Ruby tote bag. I could only think of your Ty and wonder how you were doing. Hope you have a laughter filled weekend!
    Jennifer, Illinois

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  31. Thought of you and Ty today as Casey jumped in puddle after puddle of melting snow

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  33. Cindy, Im thinking of you guys and missing sweet Ty always. I think of you all every day and check in on you daily. I wish Ty was here to give us a smile of the day. I love seeing "new" pics of him that you haven't posted before. Miss u sweet baby boy!

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  34. Cindy, The last thing I do every night is to check your blog and look at your pictures. I have commented once before about how my nephew (at 18 months) had a brain tumor and we nearly died with emotions after his short journey. You are as amazing as Ty. Sometimes when I look at current pictures of my family, I imagine him seeing the people in the pictures through my eyes. Sounds silly but for some reason it came to my mind one night. Ya just never know. It's good you have Gavin in daycare longer hours. Many good things will come from that decision. Remember, for as raw as it feels both on good and less good days, you are right where you are suppose to be. On some days a saying helped me "if you feel like you are going through hell, keep going....a sense of peace is found on the other side. I must say I've never seen a more amazing smile than Ty's. :)

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  35. Thinking about you.

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  36. Hi Cindy. Just wanted you to know I think about Ty every single day. Thinking of you, too. Much love and prayers. -Kasey

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  37. Ty and you and Gavin are amazing superheroes!
    Your family are like the incredibles family... Only better!

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  38. Thinking about you Cindy - I hope you are doing OK.

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  39. I just wanted you to know that I pray for your family often. Gavin is beyond adorable... You and your husband sure do make beautiful babies. extra prayers to lil spiderman! (I was looking at old entries and the picture of Gavin dressed as spiderman peeking around the wall made me laugh in the middle of bawling my eyes out).
    Anyways, a couple in the town I live in just took their 2 year old boy home on hospice (AT/RT)... it's SO heartbreaking and unfair. I'm not mentioning this to bring up more sadness, but to let you know that not every parent is strong enough to advocate like you are. You are doing beyond amazing things for Ty, and for other children who are or will be faced with this terrible reality. I had no idea that the same chemo treatments are used for children and adults, or the very harsh and long lasting side effects from radiation. I didn't know how little funding pediatric cancer gets. I just saw the St.Jude's commercials and naively thought that most children get cured. People need to know the facts. They need to get out of their little bubbles and stop thinking that this could never happen to their child or someone they know. People NEED to be angry about this.
    That being said, I am excited to hear what you have up your sleeve!
    Keep on fighting for Ty. He has forever changed my heart. God bless you.

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