Friday, February 15, 2013

Ty is alive in so many hearts

Today I received a Valentine's Day card in the mail that said "Ty is alive in so many hearts this Valentine's Day, and I am so lucky to have a part of Ty in my heart..."  (thanks, Deb).  That means more to me than anything else.  That Ty is in your hearts today and every day. 

I never imagined that something silly like Valentine's Day would be hard for a grieving mom. I never realized how much candy is out there on Valentine's Day!  Giving Gavin his little present this morning (some spiderman chocolates and a new mini Green Goblin), it just felt so wrong that I didn't have a present for Ty.  I didn't have anything but tears for poor Lou when he came home after dropping Gavin off at school, and then he showered me with surprises like the wonderful husband that he is.  I was shocked that he had put so much thought into this silly holiday, and mad at myself because I hadn't even gotten him a card.  I just didn't care about this day one teeny, tiny bit.  Then he went and made it special anyway, and it made me feel a better.  I think my slump is beginning to turn around and hopefully I'll be on the up and up over the next few days. 

I made a lame attempt at making up for it by going to CVS with Gavin to get Lou a card.  Gavin picked out Spiderman (of course), I bought one, and I decided I would make one from Ty that had a bunch of ladybug stickers.  At the register I spotted the berry sour patch kids that Ty used to eat like crazy (I used to buy six large bags at a time because Ty would only eat the blue ones).  I had to buy it.  And a blue push pop.  That's what Ty would have picked out if he was with me, so that is what Lou got for his Valentine's Day present.  It's perfect, right?  That and I cooked for a change.  Well, I half cooked.  I broiled up the steaks and whipped up a Bearnaise, but bought some pre-made sides.  Hey, at least I made an effort and to be honest, it was off the hook delicious. 

I wish I had new pictures of Ty making a Valentine, or Ty hugging Gavin, or (most of all) me holding my Ty.  Instead I had to look back into my photos from last February.  I found another one of him in his famous winter hat, one of the Valentine's Day cards that Ty made for his classmates at school with my help, and one of Gavin wearing the "Woody" cowboy hat that me and Ty made for him one day at the hospital. 


 
See the "T" on the top right?  And his scribbles?


When Ty was sick, I didn't get close to other cancer families.  I didn't know many of the children personally and tried not to follow too many blog posts or caring bridge entries just because my heart could only take so much... but of course there are children that are in my heart forever no matter how hard I tried not to love them as a means to protect myself. Tanner, Grace, Mikey, Ronan, Henley, Brooke, James, Cole and so many more.  All of them fighters.  Many are gone now, like Ty, but many are still fighting and winning!  The real reason why I was afraid to love these kids was because I had a tremendous guilt every time I sat down to pray for Ty.  Pressure to pray for all of the kids with cancer, of course.  But, in all truth, if there was only one miracle to be had... I begged for God to choose Ty.  How could I not?  I love all of these amazing, beautiful and courageous kids, but I love Ty more than any other love on the planet. 

Now that Ty is gone, I find myself able to talk to so many cancer moms and others whose lives have been affected by cancer and it has helped me so much!  Redirecting all of the time I spent caring for Ty, I am now joining the amazing fight on his behalf and it helps me cope.  My greatest purpose in life was to take care of Ty and Gavin.  Now that half of that is gone, I try to fill that time by throwing myself into the cause and it's so very good.  Of course, it fills the time but nothing fills that void.  That's just going to hurt always.  It will always be there, even on my best days.  It has been almost four months, and not a second goes by where I am not aware of what is missing.  But that doesn't mean I can't smile, and for that I am grateful. 

I pasted this quote to the blog last year, so I am going to post it again on this Valentine's Day because it is so beautiful.  Tonight, I am off to bed feeling loved. 



XOXO.

18 comments:

  1. There really is no love like that of a mother to her child. It's something so pure, unconditional, and enveloping. Your heart is no longer your own. I know...I have two little ones walking around with mine. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    <3 Stefanie N. from Indiana

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  2. Hi Cindy & Lou,
    Ty is definately alive in many many hearts across the world : )
    I am glad you are feeling a little better Cindy - Your an amazing woman.
    Lou is also a champion for making you feel better on valentines day - right when you needed it.
    Like you say, I don't think the hurt does get any easier you just learn to manage it.
    I hope the days ahead are better than the days behind.
    Thinking of you guys!
    Dad from Oz.

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  3. Dear Ty, Cindy, Lou, Gavin
    Happy valentines day :)

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  4. I read your blog often and my heart goes out to you all. My husband was asking what I was reading tonight and I told him (usually he won't let me when he realizes it is about a child that died) but he let me talk about it tonight and how I always think about how you said you didn't know how perfect and happy your life was before your baby got sick and I never want to take that for granted. He laid there for awhile and then got up and woke each of our kids up, kissed and hugged them and then they all made pallets in Mama and Daddy's room for a big 'sleepover' :) Your words touch so deep and I know they make so many thankful for things they may otherwise take for granted. Thank you for sharing your heart - you and Ty are amazing. My prayers are always with you. ~Trish

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    1. How beautiful. So very nice to hear stories like this...

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  5. So happy you are feeling better Cindy. You have one amazing husband there. Ty is everywhere and in so many hearts all over the world...

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  7. Cindy, you are very much loved by all of us.
    Lou, you are the man!

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  8. Ty is alive in my heart. I will never ever forget him. Love to you, Cindy.

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  9. Ty has two wonderful parents and a great little brother, he is smiling in every photo because he knows this. It is just so hard and you are doing such a great job handling the loss and pain you are going through.

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  10. Yes, Ty is loved by many, myself included! I think about him every day and the impact he has made on so many lives. LOVE IN ITS PUREST FORM is what your blog has shown me, Cindy, and what a blessing your son was/is. I am sure Ty was happy you included him on Valentines Day :).

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  11. How could Ty not be in our hearts? I look at him and I want to hug and give him kisses. I have followed your blog for a while now and to tell you I'm sorry is not enough. I will tell you, I have three children and you and Ty have made me a better mother in so many ways. Not just a better mother, but better person. I will continue to donate to Ty's foundation, and in more ways then one. I pass on his story as much as I can. I now get excited when it rains because I know the puddles will be waiting. I seek them out and tell my 3 year old son (almost 4) to run and jump as fast and hard as he can. He so loves it. I have to say so do I. I have jumped with him and we say "This ones for Ty!" I know he doesn't know who Ty is, but I do, and I know Ty can see us, and some day my little man will know about Ty. Much Love to you, Lou, Gavin, and Ty. I think the world of all of you. Thank you for sharing your Ty with all of us. I truely wish I could take away your pain, and that Ty could be here again. God Bless.

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  12. Morning,

    Thank you for continuing to share " SuperTy's & your ( his ) family's heartbreaking & courageous journey.

    " SuperTy's " courage will always be a source of inspiration for me. SuperTy will always be my hero.

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with " SuperTy " & all of his family.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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  13. I also wish you had new Valentine's pictures of Ty. It sounds like he lifted your heart a little though ;)

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  14. Oh Ty that is the most beautiful card anyone ever made. It's so you. Everything pure and beautiful. My best Valentines day gift was that my husband suddenly asked me about you, out of blue moon. He never talks about you, but he did. To be allowed to talk about you to those who want to listen just makes my day. I love you so very much. Lots of love to your mommy daddy and adorable Gavin. I miss you like crazy.

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  15. When are you coming to California? I have a small group of women, including myself, that would love to meet you. Maybe for a lunch. We all have kids... Maybe a picnic at a park. It's probably far-fetched, but worth a try. We are in the Los Angeles area. Please please please...
    Facebook might be an easy and more private way to contact me:
    Emma Carafotes

    I think I would die if I heard from you. Sorry about my choice of word... :/

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  16. Thinking about Ty - and of course you and your family as well. Hope you are doing well cindy. You are an inspiration.

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  17. Cindy, you continue to amaze and inspire me. You help me remember to pay attention to the little things, the small moments. A huge thank you to you and Ty.

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