Sunday, February 10, 2013

Please send me a sign


Just look at this beautiful child.  People always stopped to watch him, wherever we went.  Do you think he knows? Do you think it was weird that Daddy was carrying around his fluids in a backpack?  That he was glad to finally be home from the hospital, but wondered why he still had the needles in his chest?  I can't look at this picture and not want to get inside that head and know what he's thinking.  Thoughts that no three year old should have to ponder, but that I know he did.  He was smart and so in-tune with how Lou and I were feeling.  He could read our anxiety under the greatest disguises. 

Thank you all, so much, for being so supportive.  We have our good days and bad.  I've been feeling exceptionally sad these past few days, but it's all so normal.  I haven't seen any signs from Ty, and that just breaks my heart and makes me feel desperate.  I'm overdue, I think.  It's just what I need to pick me up out of my slump. 

I did have a few good hours out in the snow with Gavin today.  We built an igloo (well, only half of one because he gave up very quickly). 



After we shoveled the walkway and made a lame fort, Gavin wanted to play on his playset out back.  I was happy to do so because I thought for sure I would see Ty there, waiting for me in the soft quiet of the snow.  He and I used to sit the picnic table underneath the slide for lunch and snacks every chance we could get back in the day.  I loved to eat outside on a beautiful day in Long Beach, and he loved to eat at his mini table.  Lots of time was spent there, we even used to bring Gavin's high chair out back to enjoy the weather and the salty air at mealtime. 

Today I sat in our spot and tried to find a trace of him or a sign from him.  I climbed to the landing at the top of the slide with Gavin and looked for him everywhere.  We swang on the swing.  I slid down the slide.  Nothing.  Where was he today?  I hope he is off having fun, but I really need him and miss him, too. 

I hate that I need him.  It's not his job to worry or take care of me.  I don't want him to because I should be taking care of him!  He obviously had a tough time in his five short years, so I like to imagine he is free to go buck-wild now.  Swinging from chandeliers and giggling uncontrollably.  Surrounded by children doing the same. 

I feel ridiculous when I ask Ty to do something for me because I should be stronger than that.  Let him have fun and forget about me until my day comes and we can all be together.  But on that same note, to imagine the rest of my life without any ladybugs, falling leaves or winking stars makes me wonder how I would even continue to put one foot in front of the other.  I truthfully need to see these signs sometimes because they reinforce my belief that he is with me, that he knows behind my smile is a head swirling with thoughts of him, and that he is okay wherever he is.  I hope he is always inside my head and knows that 99.9 percent of the time, I am thinking of him in some way.  Because I am. 

We've been snowed in and I'm learning that the weekends are the worst.  They are too boring.  Too much time sitting around being sad.  We were supposed to visit friends in DC, but with the weather and my cold, we rescheduled for next weekend.  We also have several other big trips planned, and I am excited. What better way to cope with pain than running away from it, right?  Not sure if any therapists would agree, but that's how we're doing it, and I think it's brilliant.  DC, Dallas, California, Montana and Dominican Republic, here we come.  It sounds ridiculous, I know, and a lot of this travel is also due to foundation opportunities, but it will be a great escape regardless.  Goodbye sad, quiet house.  We will try to spend the majority of our upcoming weekends anywhere but here.  Because this quiet house of ours, where I search for Ty and keep his favorite things on display like a museum?  This is just not healthy.

Before I sign off for the night in an attempt to retire early and get healthy (!) I want to let you know that we gave in and got Gavin's hair cut.  He keeps asking me if he still looks like Thor and I feel terrible but I tell him "yes!"  I just think it's better if he believes he still has long hair.  He really doesn't think it's any different.  My baby.  He is such a good boy.





37 comments:

  1. Cindy he is with you, with all of you.

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  2. I love your blog. I love your family. I love Ty. Stay strong you are going to do big things in honor of that sweet boy!

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  3. I love your blog. I love your family. I love Ty. Stay strong you are going to do big things in honor of that sweet boy!

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  4. I truly believe he is always with you, Lou and Gavin! I believe the two of you were definitely connected as one, I'll be praying you see more signs real soon. Love to The Campbell's xoxo

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  5. He's always with you; one day you'll be able to see him.
    - Virginia

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  6. Your such an incredible mother and person overall. Ty is with I always because he lives in your heart. Never get discouraged when my son passed 11 years ago not a single day goes by that I dont think about him. But he's always around, months go by where nothing happens no signs but out of no where my son who's just turned six will say or do something that I know is a sig. Or a sent a cold chill its the littlest sign that I know he's watching over us. Ty will send his sign don't u worry and when he does all those good, cherished, sad, and loving feelings will come rushing in. I like to think of it as their giving us a break that we need and they no just when the time id right for a visit. Bless you Cindy, and your beautiful family wishing you safe travels and love.

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  7. I love and miss you Ty Louis Campbell <3. Beautiful boy, beautiful soul and a beautiful family. Much love and healing thoughts, Cindy, Lou and sweet, sweet Gavin <3. Superty Forever and Always! <\3

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. He is with you always!! I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but maybe on the days that you dont see ladybugs- others do. I know that everytime I see a ladybug I think of Ty. Just the other night i was doing dishes and my kids were whining and complaining and fighting back and forth over pretty much nothing. They are 5 and 3 so that happens quite often. Anyways, i was getting upset because it had been a really long day and i was tired and it was bedtime and this had gone on long enough. Then out of nowhere i see a ladybug crawl across my window sill. I couldnt help but to think of ty and the muddy puddles and i let out a deep breath and went to play with my babies. Ty is everywhere all of the time! He is helping someone every single day!

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  10. Oh Ty reminds me so much of my little 3 year old boy.
    I think that is why he has a hold on my heart!
    I have read through your blog what your family has gone thru with Ty and imagine myself in that same situation with my own son, and I just fall to pieces everytime. I don't know how....speechless.
    That first picture is just beautiful - He has such a charisma about him you just can't help but want to give him a huge hug : )
    I find that with most pictures of Ty - he knows how to draw you in so to speak. Its magical!
    I so wish he had a magical moment with his fight against Cancer - he so deserved it and so did you, Lou and Gavin.
    Dad from Oz.

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  11. Cindy, I have thought about you and Ty ALL day today. I emailed you at the foundation, I registered for a bone marrow swab kit, and I brainstormed with a family member on ways to fight childhood cancer. You know why? Because of Ty. I don't know what it is about that kid, but he has inspired me in SO many ways. I let my son stay up late doing messy crafts. I let the housework go, and instead played with my kids. I won't lie when I say that part of that was because of you guys. Ty really is everywhere. He's in a small town in Indiana, helping me to be a better mother. He's in California with my husbands cousin ( a childhood cancer survivor herself) as she thinks of ways to fight it. Maybe Ty is so busy showing signs to so many people that he hasn't gotten to yours for a few days. But he is with you, always. You're his mommy, forever. <3

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  12. Hi,

    I just wanted you to know that I found ANOTHER action hero, Spiderman--down the same fence line that I found the others.

    I reply to your blog every time I find an action figure.

    Doesn't that sound so crazy? This is the 3rd one I have found. I bring them in and put them in cups in my china cabinet. I keep them there, on display with my "good dishes" in honor of TY.

    He is powerful enough to inspire people all over the world, he will continue. You don't have to look for him, he is everywhere!

    Everyday, YOUR BOY inspires complete strangers to do better and be better people. We honor him in different ways. I look for action heroes, she lets her child stay up later than usual, he lets his child jump on the bed, she looks for ladybugs ETC.

    As always I am sending you and your family my good thoughts and prayers.

    Katie in Nashville.

    When you get a chance could you let us know When will you know if you won the Kelly and Michael contest?

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  13. I tried to post yesterday, but had issues and now I am glad. Becasue while everything I wrote yesterday, how strong you are, how human you are. how you shouldn't be feeling grief like this. That Ty should still be with you. After I couldn't get it to work, I gave up and thought alot about it. Then I thought (which relates me to today's post) what a wonderful sign you received from Ty. he knows you need him and I think he put that nurse in your path. That, somehow, her son KNEW she was going to meet you that day. That he knows Ty is up there. That you would need to hear someone who is going through it. Just as you met Maya. Maybe, that was a sign. I hope you can see it. I know he is always with you. I hang onto your every word. And just wanted to Thank you again. Hugs....

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  14. What a face of an angel! He is always with you Cindy! Maybe the fact Gavin wanted to play on the swingset was Ty telling Gavin..."hey, lets go play!" Sometimes signs are in the actions we are provoked to do rather than a tangible one, so it makes it harder to see them. Never fear of losing him, his spirit will always surround you!

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  15. Cindy, I have only commented on your blog when I heard about Ty going to Heaven. I haven't stopped reading your blog, always checking about how are you doing. I totally understand your pain, I didn't lose a child but I lost one of my most beloved ones and I have also gone through a spiral of total pain that you cannot control or even undertand.( Now I've been prescribed Valium to calm down my anxiety)
    I genuinely think Ty is with you and I am sure Gavin feels that too, that's why he's always talking about his brother!
    Hope you read this and feel my love for you and your family.
    From Spain with love.

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  16. Ty is an inspiration to us all. I look at my two boys differently because of your story. I try to take your advice....get messy, piggy-bank rides, finger painting. I want you to know that you are getting that message across and we need to find better treatments and a cure for all childhood cancers. Thank you for sharing your story with us and making us better parents.

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  17. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. Much love from SC!

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  18. My heart breaks for you. I think of you and your family often and know that Ty is watching you and wanting you to 'keep on keepin on'. The focus you have is amazing and by changing the world of pediatric cancer you will be helping so many children and families who are helpless. The pain will never go away but you will get better at dealing with it. We lost 3 people in our family within 5 years and there were dark days, but love conquers all. Some day you will be able to look into those sweet eyes again, have faith. SENDING LOVE FROM NEW YORK!! xoxo

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  19. Dear Cindy. I ready your blog every time you post something new. I have written to you in the past, but not made any comments lately. Im sorry you have not received any signs lately from Ty. maybe not receiving a "sign" is a sign" that he wants you to go on and I belive he will sign you or cme to you in a dream when the time is right. He knows you, he knows Lou. he will know when it is right again. I believe he is giving you healing time. I have seen this in my own family. I lost a 5 year old cousin who i loved so much in January 2012 to a brain tumor as well and her mom and grandmother who are my cousins felt like you. My cousin who is her grandmother was waiting for her to appear in her dreams and it took awhile and I look at her videos and I ask her for a sign also. In the last year I think we had a few signs but it makes you healing process easier. Ty will be in yur heart and in your mind forever and ever and will always be with you. I was taken back when I read about you taking the pills but I have faith in you that you have over come this thought. Do the best you can Cindy for G-Love (love the name). He is a precious boy and also a gift from God. You have a wonderful husband, you also have the foundation to keep Ty's work going. You going to all these places on vacation, dont think of it as runnng away. You are a famly and this is what families do. They go away and celebrate life. You are alive, Gaving is alive, Lou is alive and your Ty would want you to carry on. during the mass for my cousin Elizabeth the priest said "CHILDREN DONT CHANGE WHO THEY ARE" they are the same on earth as in heaven, so the way Ty was before he got so sick and now that he is no longer sick, I know that he is running and playing with all the children in heven and being a candy monster..lol.. I know my cousin Elizabeth was a dancer. She lovd to perform and I have no doubt she it doing all her moves up there and playing with children as she was meant to be. Be strong Cindy.......Carry on cause your little soldier would want nothing else from his mom. Be the great mom and wife that you are. I owuld l i ke to send yu alittle you tub video. it my cousin in new orleans dancing and she passed 1 year after the video

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  20. I think has a bazillion ways of letting you know he's there with you - like someone else mentioned, the nurse you met - Ty maybe had a hand in that :) You just have to remember and believe he is always in your heart no matter where you are. And of course it makes sense to not want to be at home. I'm sure its very hard. I did love that video of you guys sledding - took my little man out on Sunday he was loving it. First time he did it - so much fun! As always, thinking of you guys, wishing you strength and peace and love. SuperTy always (I wear my Capt America hat all the time - Christopher isn't fond of superheroes so he doesn't like to wear it, I'm sort of glad cause I love the hat and now I don't have to fight him for it :)

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  21. Yes he is with you and he is with us ! Everyday I think about you and him and the love you have. Thanks to you I am a better mom . Ty is helping lots of people all over the world, 5 year old but so strong he is beautiful ! Thank you for sharing him with us ,best wishes from England

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  22. http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2012/10/24/window-washers-give-childrens-hospital-patients-a-superheros-surprise/

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  23. OMG, he is beautiful. A face of an absolute angel. I'm amazed sometimes of how a little boy whom I've never met has changed a 36 year old woman into a better person. I know he is there, watching over you. I also know this doesn't cushion the blow of losing him. This will never make sense to me. And that is okay. I will ask god why Ty has to leave so early when it's my turn. Right after, I'm playing in some puddles with Super Ty.

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  24. It breaks my heart to hear your pain.. You lost a part of you so of course you are going to keep searching to find it!! Ty was and always will be a part of you.. Glad that you are going away!! You need to do it! If anything you will have a change of scenery,, of course each place you go you will think about Ty and if he would like the places, what fun he would have had etc. but it's all part of the process., get some rest...
    Love Gabrielle

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  25. Cindy,
    If you need to escape your home for some sanity...YOU DO IT! If you need to go down the slide 100 times, GO FOR IT! You have the "right of way", my dear! Keep yourself healthy, and do WHATEVER you need to do to get through each day. You are doing remarkabley well, considering the timetable of events. You are an inspiration for all of us who follow your story. Keep going, Cindy.....CUZ YOU'RE DOING AWEEEEESOME!!!!

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  26. Asking for signs from Ty cannot be a sign that you are not strong. You are alive, aren't you? That in itself is a sign of strength.

    I love all the travel you have planned! Healing can happen on the road. Or plane. Or train :) The important thing is getting out of your sad house and getting some smiles, laughs, and family time.

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  27. Dear Cindy
    You are such an inspiration :)
    And gavin looks so handsome...just like Thor ;P
    I believe that Ty is everywhere and that he is playing on the playground and jumping in muddy puddles <3
    hope u feel better :)

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  28. I can't imagine how many people you have helped in writing this blog. You're an inspiration and truly amazing. Makes me want to strive to be a better mom after coming across this blog. Thank you for that!

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  29. Cindy. Its hard to accept that Ty is gone from this world. The only thought that he is not suffering and is in Heaven is what makes living somewhat barable for you. and of course your clown Gavin, whose sweet innocent is so pure and refreshing, and calming and touching. With Ty, even though he was still a baby, he had eyes that just look into you and touch your soul. The were eyes of someone who knew something on a bigger scale. I always wondered what was Ty thinking when he couldnt play or walk, what was going thru his head. It consumed me daily. Because the sadness about was what if he doesnt understand and realize, what if he is just so upset that he cant get up with his brother and just play. But when i looked into Ty's eyes they spoke to me and to everyone, they were not eyes of a 5 yo, they were eyes of G-D, they just drew you in. People talk about Mona Lisa and how no matter where you look the eyes are always staring at you, Ty's eyes were just magical. He knew, and he knew when to fight and when to let go, he knew when to smile and when to be sad. He kept you strong. He assured you that he will be oaky when he left, he woke up and smiled to you and Lou because he wanted to let you know that he was ready to go but he was okay. Its scary, isnt it? knowing that a 5 yo boy posseses such powers and such connection to
    G-D, that he knows about everything that is happening. He is okay Cindy, its you who left here without him must learn to live again, and thats hard. Ty is okay, he is at peace he is happy. I am just so very sorry you didnt get a chance to have him with you forever until you are old and gray. It would have been so magical. I miss you baby boy. You are every sunshine, every rainbow, every smile, every flower, every butterfly, every lady bug. You are everything beautiful.

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  30. Maybe the quietness is the sign he knows you need at the moment. I don't think for a second he is not right there with you, watching out for you. I think maybe the snow was his sign. Or he told Gavin to go to the playset, as his sign. I think forever and always Ty will be in all that you, Lou, and Gavin do. From getting the idea to do something to seeing a falling leaf in the midst of your hikes.

    I love the travel idea, too. After my mom died I did just that. In my case, a trip to Iceland, a trip to Costa Rica, and a world cruise that lasted nearly 5 months. When life settled back down from all that travel it was a new life. It made me more receptive to my mom, too. My best visits were after all that running away.

    I just finished reading your blog from start to finish. I needed, for myself, to know the whole story, as it was happening. So enlightening. So beautiful. What an amazing soul Ty was and always will be. I am going out on a ledge here but for about a month before they decided there was nothing more they could do for Ty, your blog took on a very different tone. The writing, the attitude about it all, the struggles you shared and the things you were trying not to say. Things that also came through were a change in Ty's attitude about it all. I don't know if you've re-read your blog. I know that's hard to do when the blog is about only slightly sad stuff, not devastating things like this, but it might help to read from probably last July through Sept again. Whether you know it today or not, you have found an abundance of peace in this journey. I know more will come - when you are reunited with Ty. If there is anything that can be done to make the rest of this life tolerable, though, I do hope you'll do it. Gavin and Lou need you, too - as I know you know.

    I am also glad you talked to your Doctor last week about what's on your mind. How did that visit turn out? I don't know if I've mentioned this previously in comments but I have PTSD myself as a result of being raped while in the military. If you ever want someone to talk to about the PTSD, I am here for you. However you need and/or want me, I am here for you. loril75@gmail.com

    With all that said, much love to you, Lou, and Gavin. I am constantly praying for you all.

    Love,
    Lori

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    Replies
    1. Your amazing, I started following Ty only in September and have attempted to
      Read previous posts, I can not bring myself to do it, only because I know the ending, not sure I can handle to read it again. I feel like Cindy is my sister, she is tough and unstoppable! Great comment! Sorry
      About what happened to you. Xoxo kristi from NY

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  31. I am sure Ty is with you every minute of everyday. Maybe he was giving you some time to focus on Gavin. Gavin looks like such a sweetheart. Part of me feels sad reading that, while you were spending some quality time with Gavin, you were so busy looking for Ty instead.

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    1. Cindy is obviously an excellent mother to Gavin. As any parent of multiple children knows, you can spend time with more than one child at a time. Looking for a sign from Ty does NOT mean she was neglecting Gavin.

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