Sunday, December 16, 2012

It's a Little Closer to Heaven Here

Lou and I have spent the last four days in one of the most beautiful places in the world.  You need to breathe the air and see the mountains out your window to understand the magnitude of the beauty here.  I'm happy we did this.  Lou and I really needed to get away, and this was the perfect place.  That's not me or Lou in this pictures and I didn't take it, either.  I am way too busy worrying about falling when I am snowboarding:) I just thought this picture from Whistler really shows how amazing it is out there on this mountain. 




Of course, we are thinking of Ty every second. When we arrived here I was thinking about how hard it would have been for Ty this year because he was so disabled compared to our trip to the mountain in Vermont last year. I was flooded with memories of our family trip to Okemo less than a year ago. Some of you might remember that he was sitting upright and we even brought him snowtubing. The photo of him, his famous one on top of this website, was taken during that trip.  He was sitting in the snow and throwing a snowball all by himself.

When we first arrived in Whistler we took a walk through the village and I thought, "I wish Ty could see this. He would have loved it. But, the poor baby, we would never have been able to take him here anyway because it would be impossible to get around in the snow with a wheelchair or stroller or anything." Then I watched a woman put her toddler on a round plastic sled and pull him around with a rope. I realized that we totally would have taken Ty here. We could have done the same with a long tobaggan and propped it up with pillows and blankies. He would have loved it. One thing I’m really proud of is that we tried to take Ty everywhere. We never wanted to deprive him of experiencing life and beauty despite his handicap.  In his five years he did so much.  He smiled so easily and enjoyed life despite all he endured.

I know he is here with us in our hearts, riding on the mountains with us and taking it all in, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I feel his absence way more than his presence this entire time. Every step I take I am thinking of him, wishing he was here and feeling the void in my heart. It is so brutally painful.

I opened my toiletry bag when we got here and found my toothbrush, Gavin's and Ty's. I took mine out and put it on the sink area so I wouldn't have to open the bag and see Ty's toothbrush again for the rest of the trip. Today, as we were packing up, I was reminded it was there. I felt strong, so I took it out and looked at the bristles. I saw some scrapes in the plastic and relished in knowing that his teeth made those marks. That it was in his mouth. How sad is it that all I have left of him is a used toothbrush, and that I found painful joy in staring at it for who knows how long. 

I ask Ty to come to me in my dreams all the time but I haven’t had a good dream about him, yet.  Instead I am tortured with dreams about losing him, about his cremation, about him in a hospital bed.  The other night, while on this trip, it was even worse.  You might want to skip this paragraph if you don’t want to know because it is morbid. I woke up and told Lou about it and we just cried and cried.  In my dream Nana, Gavin and I were in the playroom at Nana’s house (Ty loved that room) and we were all sitting on the floor playing with Ty -- but it was his dead body.  I was laughing and making jokes and waving his arms and pretending to open his eyes.  We seemed to be completely oblivious to the fact that he was dead.  I never woke up feeling so sick.  I can’t wait until I see him healthy and happy enjoying his new life instead of all these crazy, hurtful dreams I’ve been having.  My mind is playing some pretty mean tricks on me.

Here in the mountains, I can’t look out my window and ever deny that there is a wonderful, loving God that created all of this magic.  It is so beautiful it takes your breath away.  I included that picture above of the snowboarder in the clouds because that really is what it was like up there (except for the fact that I am not nearly as talented or graceful on a snowboard).  I kept imagining that I was playing in the same clouds the Ty plays in. 
 
Lou and I went out for dinner each night and I think we are starting to get more used to talking about Ty with strangers.  It feels really good to tell people about him and how amazing he is.  When we are asked whether or not we have any children, we don’t hesitate as much. When people are awkward because they don’t know what to say, we have learned to help them feel comfortable and not to worry about saying the wrong thing. People are so afraid of hurting us by saying the wrong thing, and I just say that we hurt so much already, nothing they say with good intentions could hurt us anymore than that.  Don’t be afraid to talk about him, we prefer to talk about him. 
 
I want to carry around business cards for the Foundation and bracelets so I can start leaving them everywhere we go.  So when we meet strangers and tell them about Ty they can go home and fall in love with him through his website.  All of these kids like Ty who fought so hard, they are finally giving a face to Childhood Cancer and making an impact.  I believe we are near a tipping point and big things are going to continue happening to raise awareness.  I don’t want to be part of the movement -- I would prefer to live in the bubble where I existed before Ty had cancer -- but I can’t ever go back there.  We are leaving for the airport soon and I am consumed with anxiety because (1) I can’t WAIT to see Gavin, and (2) I am dying to get back to the office and get back to work on the foundation.  I will be there first thing tomorrow morning, burning up my keyboard and organizing our databases.  Starting January, I will be calling on all volunteers to start hashing through the immense “to-do” list.  I am excited about all we can do in honor of Ty.  Thank you all so much. 
true love forever - december 2011

 

39 comments:

  1. Hi Cindy- I'm really glad that you and Lou got away. That was a very brave thing to do. You could not have picked a more beautiful place; I grew up skiing in Colorado and the beauty of those mountains is simply breathtaking. Still thinking of you always. xoxo

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  2. I am so glad you and Lou got away! Please count me in as a volunteer, Ty owns a piece of my heart!

    Denise Kanganis

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  3. So happy to hear your were able to get away. The two of you deserved every second. I love the picture of the snowboarder. I have been reading your blog for 2 years now and was happy to hear that just last year you visited Okemo Mountain. I have been so touched by Ty's story and to know that he visited a place so close to our home feels wonderful. We're only about 30 mins. from the mountain. I'm so excited to hear more about the foundation you've established! We here in Vermont continue to pray for your family and for all the children that have or are currently suffering from cancer. As a mother of a 6 and 3 year old girl, I can't begin to imagine! We wish you all the best possible this holiday season. God Bless

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  4. I'm happy you both went away for a few days. The mountains look so beautiful. I continue to think about Ty and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

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  5. I'm happy you both went away for a few days. The mountains look so beautiful. I continue to think about Ty and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

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  6. I want to wish your family a Merry Christmas. I have TOTALLY fallen in love with Ty, and I have never met him!!!! He is such a beautiful spirit that moves me daily to be a better mommy. Please know that I think of you often and Pray for you always.

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  7. In the two years time that I have followed your beautiful blog I don't think I ever not cried. It's impossible to imagine what loosing Ty really means and how much it hurts you. It hurts me and I never met him never played with his hair never kissed his sifting neck. You did all of it and now you remember him thru used toothbrush. It's sickening it's sad it's heartbreaking and so so unfair. I'm sorry for your tremendous loss. I miss out baby Ty. My heart feels empty often. But I know that you are pain free and enjoying yourself.

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  8. Hello.. So glad you got away and had some fun!! How can I volunteer to help with the foundation?? Still thinking of you and the family and keeping you in my prayers..


    Love Gabrielle

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  9. Ty is so beautiful!! Maybe one of this days, when you feel like it, you could tell us stories about him that you haven't yet told us. I miss him...

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  10. I am sure he has more than just one smile each and every day now.

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  11. Cindy,
    Every day I wish it didn't have to be so hard and that Ty could be here to bring his love to the world in person but he's really got the best family to do this on his behalf.

    You and your family are so amazingly sweet. That through your hurt you can still see so much beauty in the world and continue to share Ty's love and his story with others is what makes me feel that I need to keep supporting your family. You are the true meaning of LOVE.

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  12. Cindy.... I know it's the anniversary.. but time only is something we share on earth.. Ty has already spent years playing and welcoming all kinds of children like himself... in time, you will have the good dreams.. i promise.... I still pray for you and hope your healing has slowly begun. Your foundation is a great thing and I am excited for you. Pensacola, FL

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  13. About the morbid dream thing....I lost my boyfriend of 4 years over 20 years ago and I know the pain could never compare to losing a child (I have my own children now) but I just want to tell you that in the beginning I had horribly morbid dreams of him too. Over time they became amazing dreams, many, filled with love and feeling like time spent with him. It will happen to you too! Ty will come to you in your dreams and you will one day wake up smiling!! God Bless you and your Family Cindy!

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  14. I'm so sorry you're going through these dreams. Our brains have such a strange way of filing away all of the information and emotions.
    I've heard SO many accounts (and have had a few of my own), where our loved ones come to us in dreams, and it is REAL. But it seems like it always takes months for it to happen.. maybe time moves much more slowly on the other side. To him, he's only been gone for a moment (plus the fact that I think his soul is still among you and Lou and Gavin so much), so he hasn't spent so much time in Heaven that he realizes he should visit and tell you how well he's doing.

    I am so glad you got away for a little bit. It really is closer to Heaven out there.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you all every day. I so hope you manage to have a peaceful holiday, and manage some real smiles Christmas morning. You KNOW Ty will be there with you.

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  15. Cindy, I dont know if you have heard this song its beam me up by Pink before but its almost as if you wrote it for Ty. Please listen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17kKasnw-SE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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    1. Beautiful song. I've also mentioned it in one of my posts a while ago!

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    2. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, it's as if Cindy wrote it for Ty. I'm hoping and praying that Cindy has listened to it. Blessings, Geri

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  16. Morning,

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful & heartfelt journey.

    Ty," SuperTy," is, & will always be my hero.

    I am looking forward to taking an active role in the Ty Louis Campbell Foundation - and being an active donor.

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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  17. I always wondered where that beautiful picture of Ty was taken :) Now I know. I think carrying cards and bracelets around are a wonderful idea! And maybe people can order some so we can share the word too - whenever I wear my Ty shirt or Momma Fedora and people ask about them - I can share the card.

    Yes big things will start happening for Pediatric Cancer. One person at a time, I can see the awareness growing. It may seem like small steps - but I think for every new person that gets on board, the potential for them to bring more people, and for them to bring more people - well as you can see it multiplies fast. And I know that all of you amazing mommas working towards the same goals - finding ways to unite and work together, well I just know good things will come of this.

    I will forever think of your precious Ty - and wish he was here with you. I wish I could say why your mind is taking you to such dark places - maybe some professional counseling could help sort that out. With all you've been through I wish this wasn't happening to you.

    Looking forward to seeing the to-do list and see what I can help with. I'm sure the army of people following the blog will provide great assistance in fulfilling the Muddy Puddles dream.

    Wishing you, Lou and Gavin some quality hugging & loving time upon your return - sure he was missing his mommy and daddy :) But I am so glad you two were able to enjoy some quality time of your own! Thinking of you all always, SuperTy always and forever.

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  18. Good for you for getting away. Hugs and tears from NC.

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  19. I'm so glad that you and Lou got to get away. I am a northwest girl - and I agree, Whistler is a magical place.

    I am so amazed by your strength and your honesty.

    The love between you and Ty is so very alive.

    Sending you thoughts of love and calm.

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  20. Thinking of your dream...maybe it has to do with your wish to keep Ty's memory alive...???

    Thanks for always sharing these thoughts and feelings with us...

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  21. Never been to Whistler but it looks like a beautiful place! Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I agree that Ty would have loved it too. Hope that the rest of the holiday season will be bearable and I pray that the new year will bring you and Lou a renewed sense of purpose, and of course, that the Ty Louis Campbell Foundation will take off!!

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  22. Hi Cindy, I really hope you don't mind me posting this on your page but we really need help in raising more awareness here in Australia. Lucy from Neuroblastoma Australia has a chance to receive $5000 to go towards research into this deadly disease and I was hoping that you could help her by allowing this to be posted here so that your Aussie readers can have a chance to read her story and to vote for her dream in this competition (link provided below) to go towards this worthy cause. I lost my gorgeous grandson Jacob earlier this year and I personally know 4 other children who died around the same time as him, all within a few months. Lucy lost her daughter Sienna in 2010 and has been trying to raise awareness and funds for research ever since. She is holding her first ever Family Fun Day on the 2nd February 2013 (2nd of 2nd) in Sydney... Her focus is to make every 2nd Count and to stop childhood cancer research coming 2nd to adult cancer research... She has done an amazing job so far but we really need more followers and awareness here and hope that you can help as I know you have many followers all over the world because I have been following your journey as well as Ronan Thompson’s for several months now (with many tears shared) and believe with all my heart that Ty would love nothing more than to be able to help. Thank you in advance and God Bless you all. xx

    http://sunsuperdreams.com.au/dream/view/preventing-neuroblastoma-childhood-cancer

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    1. Sorry, I never made it very clear that this link is only open to Australian residents... Thank you so much for those who have tried to vote elsewhere... I really appreciate you trying... <3

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  23. Have you heard the song Beam Me Up by Pink? It made me think of you and Ty. I think about your family all the time. You have all made me a better mother.

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  24. So very glad you were able to get away to a beautiful place to find some solace. You are wise to give yourself and Lou time together. It is important. I know you will miss Ty this Christmas, but remember... all memories you make include him for he is always with you. Be patient and the dreams will come...remember he is so busy warming heaven with his wonderful smile! This week, I pray for you and Lou to continue to heal and find peace as you continue planning the amazing things the Ty Louis Campbell Foundation will do. May God bless your efforts and especially you and your family.

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  25. HI Cindy I'm so happy you guys had some fun and got away. Even though you had Ty in mind every second just being somewthere beautifu; I'm sure it helped you a lot. I still pray for you and your family and I hope some day we can hel you out..... Dont worry about the dream, I think it could be a combination of thoughts and ofcourse they comeback when we are sleeping. He loves you and what matters is that you have a strong and beautiful family. Looking forward for the next post :) keep it up
    Maria Savlick

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  26. Maybe the dream was Ty's way of telling you to be playful and happy. Because in the dream u were laughing and joking. Maybe its something Ty would of done if he were here playing...making believe he's sleeping. My 6 yr old son does that all the time to me...pretends to be asleep. I am sorry that your going thru all of this pain. I do hope that you experience some good dreams about Ty soon. But perhaps your not ready yet. My dad passed away in 4 yrs ago, and I haven't had 1 single dream about him yet. My siblings have, but not me. I had a hard time with my dad's passing, and I think if I had a dream about him, it might make me more sad in knowing it was only a dream and he wasn't really here.
    Glad u had a nice time away with Lou. Prayers are with you always and there isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think about Ty.
    Betty Warren, Beacon, NY.

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  27. Ty... What a beautiful little boy from the inside out. You could see it in his eyes and smile! I heard a song yesterday that made me think of you. Pink - Beam Me Up

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  28. Cindy, can you please post the address to where the money raised, for the Ty Louis Campbell Foundation, can be sent to? My daughter, a cancer survivor at 2 years old, attends a daycare where they are proudly holding two "pajama days" this week to raise money in honor of Ty! We can't wait to see what we have raised and mail it out to you!! Thank you, for all you are doing to help raise awareness!

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  29. I know yesterday marked 2 months that Ty passed. I'm always thinking of you guys, especially my sweet little man Ty. Love the pic of you and him above, he is just irresistable and perfect in every picture I have ever seen you post. I'm sorry you had that dream, it's true that sometimes our minds play tricks on us. I think you will have beautiful dreams of Ty one day, they will come... Love you Campbell's, hope you are "ok". I can't imagine how difficult this time of year is without that beautiful baby. xoxo

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  30. I am sorry to hear about the dreams that are plaguing you. But the beautiful dreams will come. When you least expect them. You can't find them, they find you, is what it seems like. For me, it was a year and a half after losing my mom that I had the most beautiful dream of all. And to this day, when I'm struggling with something, I can go back to that place in my head and calm down and find the peace and strength to move forward.

    You amaze me, Cindy, with your class and elegance and strength. Most people can't talk about death. Most people don't lose someone important until they are much much older. You are wise to let them know they can't hurt you. I'm like you - I want to talk about my mom. In my life today, there are far more people that never met her than did. Yet everyone in my life today knows how amazing she was because she's in my stories. It's my history. It's my life. Talking about her is part of me. I say embrace talking about Ty. People that don't want to listen are losing out. He was a tremendous young man who teaches me something every time I open a new blog. Him and you both. Nothing but beauty and greatness there and I'd want to talk about him, too!

    Much love to you. I'm glad the trip was a nice break.

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    1. Very well said......I keep my mom's memory alive by talking about her, too.

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  31. Please listen to beam me up, pink sings it. Reminds me of Ty and you Cindy.

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  32. Please listen to beam me up, pink sings it. Reminds me of Ty and you Cindy.

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  33. So happy that you and Lou got away. Yesterday marks two months and Ty has been in my thoughts and prayers. I keep him in my heart for always. Give sweet Gavin a kiss for me.

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  34. Cindy, you snd Lou continue to inspire and amaze me. You are such great examples of beauty in the face of adversity. Ty will absolutely live on through the passion you have for his foundation. Please count me in for volunteering. I am a little far away from pawling but I will do whatever u need. Sending you love from CT!! Erin Fusco and family :0)

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