Lou and I watched Ty suffer more than anyone knows and because of that, I am relieved my baby is free. But that doesn't stop the constant panic and need that I feel in my heart. I long for my baby boy back and the longing is so intense I can't even find the words to describe it.
The other day I screamed out loud in the car for what might have been a half hour. "I love you and I miss you so much, baby! I just want to hold you!" I yelled. "To kiss the warm crook of your neck. To feel your lips against mine. To have your skinny, bony, beautiful butt attached to my hip. To hear your giggle. To apply your favorite chapstick to your poor, dry lips. To reach my arm back in the car and hold your foot. To stretch out your fingers so I could hold your hand in mine. To snuggle up to an episode of Max & Ruby. To sing some of your silly songs for you. To play a game of i-spy. To take a trip to the candy store.... every single day..." I could add to this list for an eternity and still find things I miss doing with Ty. Like I said in my last post... the place I miss most is the hospital, which is also the place I hated the most. What I wouldn't do to be wearing my hospital slippers, walking the halls of the inpatient side on the ninth floor, and making myself a cup of the grossest instant coffee you can imagine. The reward would be climbing back into bed next to my angel baby.
I want more than anything to ask him what he's doing. I always wonder what he is up to. Are you so happy? Where are you? What is it like? Who are you with? Do you see me when I cry? I hope it doesn't make you sad? I try but sometimes I just can't help it. Lou and I have been his caregivers and his protectors. I can't even tell you how empty and lost we feel without having him to care for. Our arms our empty and nothing will ever fill that void.
|SuperTy friends... Meet SantaTy :)|
Christmas is eff-ing horrible. Lou and I are doing it, though. We don't want to, but we are. We even went to our tree farm... Ty's tree farm... and cut down a tree. It is the hugest, most perfect and amazing tree you have ever seen. We did this all for Ty and Gavin. Ty has picked out the tree to chop down in 2010 and 2011. This year, all Gavin wanted to do while we were at the tree farm was lay in the leaves (typical), so when he showed just a remote interest in this one tree we said "okay, this is it." As we walked back to the car I was holding Gavin's hand and the sunlight broke through the clouds to brighten the chilly afternoon and warm my shoulders for five minutes. I imagined it was Ty's way of telling me, "it's okay."
I mentioned how I long to kiss the warm crook of Ty's neck. For the past two years he was so weak, I constantly held him with his head resting on my shoulder and my own face nuzzled into his neck. I kissed that warm, smooth spot countless times. It was my utmost favorite. After he passed away, I held him and placed my lips on his neck for so long I may have fallen asleep there. Tonight, Gavin said "I want to hug you for a long time" as he stalled before Lou brought him up to bed. In the middle of our long hug, he randomly pulled back to look me in the eye, then he brushed my hair off my shoulder and gave me a kiss on the neck out of nowhere. I promise you that it was a kiss from Ty. I am still tearing up over the beauty of it. Thank you, baby. Both of you. For being the best boys a mommy could ever want.
|She's HUGE this year. Best one yet in honor of Ty.|
The holidays are going to be so ridiculously hard. How am I supposed to do this? Every single thing we do is so Gavin doesn't miss out, and for Ty - in case he's watching. Christmas was his all-time favorite thing. The last catalog I looked through with him was a Frontgate Christmas catalog. He just loved looking at the decorations.
Last night we decorated the tree and my face was covered in wet, runny mascara. It was swollen until late morning. This is just so hard. But we simply can't take a year off. Gavin is three and a half years old and this is the most magical time for him. I was sitting on the couch silently sobbing when I realized he was sitting on the floor and shaking a silver bulb in his hands whispering "I believe... I believe..." He needs to have Christmas. Although, you might not think so from this hysterical picture with Santa (a different Santa from last time). Tee hee.
Do you think Ty sees the tree? Do you think he was watching us when we hung the first ornament? Lou was so sweet when he explained to Gavin that he is taking over the very important job of hanging the first ornament. This has been Ty's job since he was only two months old. God, how hard this was. And how WRONG it was. THIS??? REALLY??? This is NOT supposed to be the first ornament hung on our tree. This is simply not enough. I want the real thing. This sucks.
Tonight Gavin told me something really goofy. It was actually something totally out-of-character for him, but instead it reminded me of something Ty would have said. I told him that. I said, "Ty would have thought that was SOOOO funny!" And Gavin said, "I want you to tell that to Ty when you get to heaven. I want us both to tell him when we go there." My sweet Gavin. You understand more than I give you credit, don't you?