Saturday, December 1, 2012

I want you back

It's all I can think about.  Whenever I have a second to myself, all I say in my head over and over and over again is "I just miss you so much.  I want you back." 

Lou and I watched Ty suffer more than anyone knows and because of that, I am relieved my baby is free.  But that doesn't stop the constant panic and need that I feel in my heart.  I long for my baby boy back and the longing is so intense I can't even find the words to describe it.

The other day I screamed out loud in the car for what might have been a half hour.   "I love you and I miss you so much, baby!  I just want to hold you!" I yelled.  "To kiss the warm crook of your neck.  To feel your lips against mine.  To have your skinny, bony, beautiful butt attached to my hip. To hear your giggle. To apply your favorite chapstick to your poor, dry lips. To reach my arm back in the car and hold your foot. To stretch out your fingers so I could hold your hand in mine.  To snuggle up to an episode of Max & Ruby.  To sing some of your silly songs for you.  To play a game of i-spy. To take a trip to the candy store.... every single day..."  I could add to this list for an eternity and still find things I miss doing with Ty.  Like I said in my last post... the place I miss most is the hospital, which is also the place I hated the most.  What I wouldn't do to be wearing my hospital slippers, walking the halls of the inpatient side on the ninth floor, and making myself a cup of the grossest instant coffee you can imagine.  The reward would be climbing back into bed next to my angel baby.

I want more than anything to ask him what he's doing.  I always wonder what he is up to.  Are you so happy?  Where are you?  What is it like?  Who are you with?  Do you see me when I cry?  I hope it doesn't make you sad?  I try but sometimes I just can't help it.  Lou and I have been his caregivers and his protectors.  I can't even tell you how empty and lost we feel without having him to care for.  Our arms our empty and nothing will ever fill that void. 


SuperTy friends... Meet SantaTy :)

Christmas is eff-ing horrible.  Lou and I are doing it, though.  We don't want to, but we are.  We even went to our tree farm... Ty's tree farm... and cut down a tree.  It is the hugest, most perfect and amazing tree you have ever seen.  We did this all for Ty and Gavin.  Ty has picked out the tree to chop down in 2010 and 2011.  This year, all Gavin wanted to do while we were at the tree farm was lay in the leaves (typical), so when he showed just a remote interest in this one tree we said "okay, this is it."  As we walked back to the car I was holding Gavin's hand and the sunlight broke through the clouds to brighten the chilly afternoon and warm my shoulders for five minutes.  I imagined it was Ty's way of telling me, "it's okay." 

I mentioned how I long to kiss the warm crook of Ty's neck.  For the past two years he was so weak, I constantly held him with his head resting on my shoulder and my own face nuzzled into his neck.  I kissed that warm, smooth spot countless times.  It was my utmost favorite.  After he passed away, I held him and placed my lips on his neck for so long I may have fallen asleep there.  Tonight, Gavin said "I want to hug you for a long time" as he stalled before Lou brought him up to bed.  In the middle of our long hug, he randomly pulled back to look me in the eye, then he brushed my hair off my shoulder and gave me a kiss on the neck out of nowhere.  I promise you that it was a kiss from Ty.  I am still tearing up over the beauty of it.  Thank you, baby.  Both of you.  For being the best boys a mommy could ever want.


She's HUGE this year.  Best one yet in honor of Ty.

The holidays are going to be so ridiculously hard.  How am I supposed to do this?  Every single thing we do is so Gavin doesn't miss out, and for Ty - in case he's watching.  Christmas was his all-time favorite thing.  The last catalog I looked through with him was a Frontgate Christmas catalog.  He just loved looking at the decorations.

Last night we decorated the tree and my face was covered in wet, runny mascara.  It was swollen until late morning.  This is just so hard.  But we simply can't take a year off.  Gavin is three and a half years old and this is the most magical time for him.  I was sitting on the couch silently sobbing when I realized he was sitting on the floor and shaking a silver bulb in his hands whispering "I believe... I believe..."  He needs to have Christmas.  Although, you might not think so from this hysterical picture with Santa (a different Santa from last time).  Tee hee. 



Do you think Ty sees the tree?  Do you think he was watching us when we hung the first ornament?  Lou was so sweet when he explained to Gavin that he is taking over the very important job of hanging the first ornament.  This has been Ty's job since he was only two months old.  God, how hard this was.  And how WRONG it was.  THIS???  REALLY??? This is NOT supposed to be the first ornament hung on our tree.  This is simply not enough.  I want the real thing.  This sucks. 


Tonight Gavin told me something really goofy.  It was actually something totally out-of-character for him, but instead it reminded me of something Ty would have said.  I told him that.  I said, "Ty would have thought that was SOOOO funny!"  And Gavin said, "I want you to tell that to Ty when you get to heaven.  I want us both to tell him when we go there."  My sweet Gavin.  You understand more than I give you credit, don't you?

 
Ty, I love you.  As hard as this may be, we will always keep doing this for you and your brother.  We love you so big much infinity.  XOXO. 

82 comments:

  1. Its always going to be hard .. holidays will nvr be the same .. but no one asks u not to be sad .. this is only the 3rd holiday w//out him .. i wish for yalls sake u had none w//out him .. i miss seeing his smile of the day .. or evn reading about him just laying there .. because evn tho he was imobile && confined to that couch .. he was still there .. gavin is smarter than a whip .. i think part of him knows his brothers gone .. but that little 3 1/2 year old part of him doesnt quiet understand .. i hope for your sake that u do get some time alone come christmas .. because tht day will be hard .. we love ur beautiful family .. everyone of us do ..

    Forever and always
    Love && prayers,

    Aiden ((3)), jr ((1)), && sofii

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  2. where can I buy a super ty shirt??

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  3. I have no words to help you from the loss and emptiness you feel, but please know I think of you all the time. Everytime my two sons do something that stresses me out or makes a mess I remember how Lucky I am. One day my husnand and I were talking about if you were going to have a memorial in Long Beach still and Ty was on my mind, that day my son picked out a captain America sticker at the pediatrician and I said "take that one for Ty". He has never shown an interest before.. I don't know you personally but your story and love for your kids has changed me so much. My mother passed away when I was 10 weeks pregnant with my first and I truly believe they see us and guide us. I too have times that I feel she is with me and other times she is not. I feel like she comes in and sometimes hangs out and watches then goes off enjoying Heaven. Ty knows how much you fought and he is a peace now. I am sure you feel irrational by wanting him back but you are not. You are a mother whose son was torn away from you in the worse way. I don't like when my kids get a scrape or have any type of pain. I can't imagine the torture you went through. Please know we all think of you! Xoxo

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    1. I'm the same way. I can honestly say that the day I first read this blog was the day I became a better mother. I read Cindy's words and her love for Ty so clisely resembled my own for my three year old son. Ty has helped me to truly appreciate every moment and to not take it for granted. What an amazing impact Ty had on the world. I'm just one of many who he has reached. I'm 28 years old and it took a little boy to make me truly appreciate all I have. Sad, but amazing at the same time. So, thank you Ty!

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  4. Your boys are both so precious. I'm just so sorry for your tragic loss. Ty continues to touch all of us. He must be the most amazing angel. Your traditions, though different and not what you would ever choose, are very beautiful.

    God Bless!
    The Stewart Family
    Nebraska

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  5. Jennifer Russo, Lake Grove, NYDecember 2, 2012 at 12:14 AM

    Your words are so true - this does just suck. He should be here with you. I could understand you screaming. I want to scream for you. Your description of Gavin hugging you is beautiful.
    I pray that you will have the strength to get through this holiday season. I do believe that Ty sees you guys and will be with you in spirit. I'm sure he loves the Christmas tree. It's beautiful.
    Sending you hugs and wishing Ty was here with you....where he should be.
    Thinking of Sweet Ty always.
    -Jennifer

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  6. Cindy, my heart breaks for you...for your entire family. I still constantly think of you all. I just told my husband, "this little boy's story has touched me more than envy one else's". And I mean it. I never met Ty, yet he has touched my life forever. When I see a ladybug, a candy store, a superhero costume....I think of Ty first, even before my own little boy. I feel for Gavin, too, and think of him often as well. And yes, Cindy, I believe that Ty sees the tree. I truly do. I believe that he is watching, no longer in pain, free to be the way a little boy deserves to be. I wish I could take some of your pain, this woman who I have never even spoke to. I will continue to pray for you all.

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  7. So,so sorry for the incredible pain you feel in your heart. Your resolve to make this a magical Christmas for Gavin is so admirable. Every time you post another picture of Ty, MY heart aches, so I can only imagine the nightmare that you find yourself living. I started following your blog almost from the beginning of Ty's illness, and my husband would ask me why I read about that, isn't it so depressing, etc. But, it was strangely not depressing. It was sad, sometimes, yes, and sometimes the news wasn't good, but I had faith and hope that Ty would get his miracle. It was inspiring and beautiful to watch a typical family dealt a devastating blow, give their child the best possible life he could have under the circumstances. You always took advantage of the good days to help Ty to live an incredibly happy life. His life was unfairly too short, and you'll probably never get over how unjust that was, but I pray that every day, you get that feeling that Ty is with you, and it gives you a moment of peace, whether it be a ladybug, or a kiss on the neck, or the sun bursting through the clouds. I believe that Ty CAN see you crying, he knows you miss him, and with Gavin's help, he's just gently trying to comfort you.
    Love & Prayers to you and Lou. Diane.

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  8. Oh, and I love Gavin's Santa picture. What a face! Hilarious.

    Diane

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  9. Thinking of you and your family during this most difficult time. You are such an amazing writer, thank you sharing so honestly your story with us. Ty will LIVE on because of you, that is such a special gift. You are an amazing Mother. Ty is only "a breath away". Love to you and your family!
    Amanda

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  10. I can't even begin to tell you how much the picture of Gavin with Santa made me laugh so hard as I was in tears minutes before while reading your blog! As awful, unbearable and unfair that this is, I realized when the pain is at its worst, there's beautiful Gavin doing something sweet out of the blue, or saying something or acting goofy! I believe Gavin is going to be there for you when you're at you're weakest most vulnerable times, just by being himself to make you smile or shake your head and laugh even if its only for a minute! I believe Ty is right next to GaGa, giggling and smiling at his brother. I pray for strength for you and your family especially to get through the holidays. As always you, Lou, Ty and Gavin amaze me with your love for one another, God Bless you all xoxoxoxo

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  11. What a beautiful tree! Thinking of you all every day.

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  12. Hugs and love to you, Lou, and Gavin. Thank you for sharing Ty's story. I wish there was more I could do or say to ease your pain.

    And I also believe Ty sees the tree.

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  13. I totally failed today! I kind of lost it at some small things my 5 yr old boy was doing... And you would only wish to have Ty back doing those things... Leaving hand marks on the freshly cleaned window.. Dropping pretzel crumbs everywhere... Not sitting where he was supposed to while eating the pretzels... Dropping a cup of water because he was being careless and not listening to me... I finally just lost it. I'm sorry for that. It took 10 minutes to sweep the pretzels, mop up the water and re-windex the window... No biggie, right?! I'm ashamed of my behavior.

    I'm sorry for this shitty holiday season. I really am. I don't know how I would survive without my son. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it just sucks!!!
    Sending love from Los Angeles xo

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    1. I find myself thinking of Ty and Ronan (and of course Cindy and Maya) when I get upset at my son also!!! I have gotten alot better at REALLY trying to think of them BEFORE I lose it, and it has worked for me! I have actually found myself laughing at some of the things I used to scream about! Just thought I would share with you how I have been controlling my temper lately, maybe it will help you work on it!!! <3

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  14. Omg My Heart Is Broken !! I Cry With You Darlin...What A Beautiful Baby Ty Is <3 I Can't Wait To Get To Heaven To Meet Your Baby Boy!! Please Know That Jesus Is Taking Great Care Of Him And He Is Ok And He Is Always With You,Lou & His Baby Brother Gavin...He Knows You Love Him With All Your Heart And He Loves You With All Of His <3 You Are In My Prayers Always!!

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  15. Gavin is a special kid... Ty was and will ALWAYS be a special kid... God Bless you through this awful time if year... Playdates for Gavin, wine nights for you and Lou.... Lots of love....

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  16. Cindy, I know for a fact that if it was possible for each and every one of your followers to take some of your pain away and carry it for you, we would!! I know I would! I am so sorry for you and Lou and Gavin to have to go without Ty in your lives!! You and your family, and of course Ty, are always in my heart!!!

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  17. This F-n sucks... This should not be happening, you should have your child, cancer just plain sucks... Try to stay strong... Xoxo

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  18. I'm so, so sorry.

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  19. We put up our tree tonight and as I sit here looking at it through eyes blurred by tears I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and Lou and all of those who loved Ty. It is so wrong. It should not be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. If I wouldn't wake the whole house I would scream that at the top of my lungs. You all will be in my thoughts throughout the holidays and always. Hugs and tears from NC.

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  20. Cindy, your tree is absolutely gorgeous! Holidays are so hard after loosing loved ones, and I can't imagine Christmas after loosing a child. It's very hard to get into the magic of Christmas when your heart is broken but somehow we push through for our children. I know you will do the best you can for Gavin's sake and hopefully you will find a little peace in your heart. One step at a time, that's all you can do. Peace to you and your family this Holiday Season!

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  21. Im so so so so sorry! Of course your beautiful boy is watching you and with you every moment . He is so proud of you for doing all this through your pain for Gavin! Yes he kissed your neck and let the sun shine on you and he was there on your lap when you cried. He is holding you Cindy and its ok to let it all out. Wish we could ease the pain. Sending some peace and love.
    The tree is so beautiful!!xoxo

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  22. God bless you Cindy! I can't say much tonight as I'm tired from crying except that you are so right saying this really sucks! It sucks big time! It is wrong, so very wrong...

    But what's so right is Gavin. He is absolutely adorable. This kiss on the neck is so Ty telling you he is still here and all is okay. It gave me goose bumps! Love him to bits... Love your tree and love Ty's ornament even though it is so wrong! Love you too! Take care and god bless.xx

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  23. My heart is simply breaking...I know a portion of your pain. I lost my older brother Eric to a brain tumor back in 2010 and the holidays are still difficult as I imagine they always will be. But my pain pales in comparison to you all loosing your angel SuperTy.

    I know Ty was there helping Gavin put up the 1st ornament this year and must be so excited for the beautiful tree. I'm just so sorry Ty's not there with you to hang it in person.

    I've never met you and have only followed your blog for about a year now, but I feel so drawn to your words Cindy. And Ty has truly changed me as a mommy. Thank you for that...

    Also....I LOVE the picture of Gavin with Santa. You can tell he knows this guy is just one of Santa's stand-ins as I'm sure the real Santa is slammed with work right now. Too cute.

    I wish you, Lou and Gavin a peaceful Holiday season with many visits from Ty...God bless your beautiful family and much love from Myrtle Beach

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  24. I had a dream last night that our knitting group was asked to make SuperTy sweaters and we were all in tears. I believe that this was Ty's way of saying that he is so proud of his mommy and what she is doing to raise awareness. I wish your family the strength to get through the holiday season. Xoxo

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  25. Your strength is amazing!! My heart hurts so badly for you and Lou and Gavin! And Gavin....what a sweetheart! He's wanting to comfort his mama as he knows you did for Ty! I can't imagine how difficult this holiday season is going to be.... what makes it harder for you is the strength you'll have to dig deep to find to get through it. SuperTy is looking down smiling on you, he wants you happy, wants you to know he is at peace and happy and that he is there with you always!!

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  26. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.. but I know there isn't..Just know that I am here and I am praying for you and Lou and hoping you can find some peace
    God Bless you all
    Michelle
    XOXO
    I was just about to leave for work now I have to go fix my makeup again.. since i have black mascara running down my face.. I'm so heart broken for you

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  27. There r no words. We r listening. Keep sharing.

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  28. I always go to write a reply to you and I never quite have the words. I pray for you all the time to feel some relief from your pain although I know it's not possible. Your tree is beautiful - it looks like it's reaching up to the sky to Ty. Hang in there and know there is a world of people still praying for you all and still spreading the word.

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  29. YES!!! I believe that Ty sees and hears and knows all that goes on with his loved ones. I believe that Gavin's kiss on your neck was prompted by his big brother. Always there, always taking care of you in some way. My heart breaks for you, Lou and Gavin as well as the rest of your family, friends and those of us who never had the true pleasure of meeting Ty and his amazing family. I wake up every morning and Ty is on my cellphone, my iPad and my Facebook page. I get asked "who is that precious child?" All the time. I am so proud to spread his story and send people to your blog. As much as my heart breaks every time I have to say that he died, I hold tight to the fact that I am spreading awareness.

    Cindy the fact that you can make me cry and laugh in the same posting is such a testament to who you are because of Ty. He will live on thru you forever. I pray someday that I get to meet you and tell you in person how much I love your family. May God Bless you with peace this Holiday season and always.

    Always loving you all,
    Elaine Hinkle

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  30. Yes, the tears are flowing. I can not imagine how painful this time of year is for all of you. You are so strong and always amaze me for what you both accomplish and how strong you are for Gavin. know that Ty sees you and was there helping Gavin put up the first ornament on the tree. I have never seen such a beautiful and perfect real tree! Gavin did a great job! Stay strong and try to find peace, Ty is with you...
    Oxox. Tonya

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  31. I know the holidays are super hard but I'm so proud of you and Lou for still making it special for Gavin and for Ty too who is very likely kissing your cheeks and holding your hands through all of this.
    Beautiful Ty is still with you - giving you miracles every day. Please believe that.
    Love & Hugs,
    Judy

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  32. Cindy

    This does indeed suck! The emotional strength that you built up fighting for Ty will be sufficient to get you through this holiday season and beyond. And, when you feel like all you can do is muster the strength to take your next breath, the gift of Gavin will caring you until you regain the strength for anything more.

    We will continue to pray for your continued strength and for moments of mercy in the warmth of a memory or a fresh blessing with your family and friends.

    Grab some tissues and give this a listen . . . hope the tears yield to some peace knowing Ty is busy making Heaven ready for all of you.

    http://www.vevo.com/watch/matthew-west/save-a-place-for-me/US82Y1000013#/watch/matthew-west/save-a-place-for-me/US82Y1000013

    The Schopfers

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    1. That song is absolutely beautiful..Thanks for sharing it.

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  33. Cindy & Lou,

    Gaving is just too funny and very smart! He has always been the little comedian of the family, right?

    Christmas is my favorite time of year, but I couldn't imagine trying to do Christmas if I was in your situation. God, doesn't that just sound so terrible? "Your situation?"

    Last night was my oldest son Nicholas's end of the year Football party. I was speaking with all of the adults and coaches about going gold next season in the month of September. Out of the 30 people I was speaking to, only one other woman knew that gold represented Childhood Cancer. It made me so angry! And really the only reason the woman knew about that was because we had discussed Ty at practice! However, I have to remember that if I never found your blog, I wouldn't have known either. Makes me angry, but they thought it was a great idea. The colors for Perry Hall Gators are already blue and gold. Socks are gold so all they would really need are shoelaces. I said I would buy them for all the teams on the league. All we have to do is get approval from the commissioner which I don't believe will be a problem. Perhaps someone knows where to buy them or maybe someone sells them and the proceeds go to pediatric cancer? Perhaps Ty's foundation can sell them? Im sure they can be purchased in bulk from a shoelace distributor and then you can sell them? Just a thought because I will need hundreds of pairs.

    You will get through Christmas Cindy! You are so strong and I can't even imagine how hard it will be, but you and Lou will do it for Gavin and Ty. Your tree is stunning, and I am sure it gets Ty's approval!

    Love to all of you!

    ((((Hugs)))

    Joy Marielle
    Baltimore, MD

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  34. That tree is beautiful and it's so big because it's reaching up to Ty!! I know the holidays are going to be so difficult - wish I knew what to say to make it better. But nothing will do that. All I can tell you is I am so sorry. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers always.....

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  35. Beautiful, but soo sad at the same time. Cindy, have u ever thought about getting a memory blanket made from Ty's clothing? Willow Creek Studio is a wed site that makes blankets out of clothing. Perhaps there are shirts, pj's, baby blankets, etc, that you can get made into a blanket. Perhaps it can bring some kinda comfort to you in wrapping up in some of his pj's/shirts he used to wear. God Bless you and your family. I have cried for all of you today. Betty Warren/Beacon, NY

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  36. Your tree is gorgeous! I know Ty is watching and loving it. I believe in every sign you feel and see. You and Ty were too intertwined for your connection to just end. I think hes around all the time. So glad for Gavin, hes your biggest reason for putting one foot in front of the other and going on. I can't imagine what you would do without him! Just keep doing what you are doing...love and prayers, Terri

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  37. Cindy,
    Beautifully written, as usual. I hope you all find some joy in this Christmas. I wish you peace...sending you my best wishes. I don;t even know you, but I find myself thinking of you often.

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  38. Your tree is absolutely beautiful and I am positive Ty sees it and thinks so too. I think of you guys often throughout the day and wish I could ease your pain. Life is just not fair, it makes me wonder who and why God chooses to go through this. I think I would just lay down and die right along with my child. You are so strong and I am so proud of you for putting up a tree and decorating it for Gavin. You are just unbelievable, courageous people that leave me in awe everytime I read your posts. I strive to be more like you, I try daily to be a better parent and to not take one moment for granted. Every time I take my dogs out I look up in the sky and say hello to my Dad and tell him how much I miss him and then I say hi to Ty and wonder if my Dad has had the opportunity to meet him. I have told him to look for him :) Thank you so much for still having the strength and courage to continue writing your posts because I look forward to hearing about your day and how you all are doing. May God bless you and hold you tight and give you all the strength you need in these upcoming weeks. I pray you find happiness in comfort knowing Ty is happy and watching over you guys waiting until you meet again. He is always with you Cindy, it just stinks you can't see him. Love from my family to yours!

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  39. I never have better words than to say how much my heart aches for you. I just cry as I read your sweet words to your beautiful boy. He is so special and loved... always.

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  40. O' Cindy......I cannot imagine your pain. And the holidays are never easy for anyone who has experienced a loss, but like you said you still have to make it special for both boys, because yes, Ty is part of everything you do each and every day, he is with you. It was him peeking through the clouds happy with Gavin's tree pick and him helping Gavin put up his picture ornament on the tree. It was him giving you that kiss on the neck and touching your hair. I am positive he is very very proud of his parents and of his little brother and everything that you guys have done and continue to do in his honor. You are a very special woman Cindy. Keep on believing and keep on living and smiling. And when you need to cry, cry. God Bless you guys!!! xoxooxoxooxoxoxo

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  41. I know your loss is tremendous, I know because I've been there. The Holidays are the hardest especially the first one. But, you also have to remember that you have Gavin and he deserves a happy Christmas. He also needs your hugs, kisses and love. He does know what is going on probably more than you think. Love always to Ty but also to Gavin.

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  42. Oh sweet, beautiful Cindy. Please don't ever give up on enjoying some of the little things of Christmas. If you can possibly see your way through the pain, find the joy, and know - truly know- that Ty is celebrating with you. He knows, dear Cindy, he always knew. Ty had a special sense. Celebrating this holiday season for Gavin, and Ty, is important. But it is also important for you and Lou. Remember, Advent is a time of waiting to prepare us for the Savior. Ty's guardian angel and you and Lou prepared Ty for his journey. Now let him prepare you for yours. I realize that this journey may seem cruel and unfair, however, you have been choosen and remember..."a little child shall lead them". Let Ty lead you and Lou. Let him lead you through the shadows to the dawn. One step at a time and build memories that include him through the love you have. How I wish this could be made easier...it is so unfair. I wish you could find comfort and the answers to your questions. I know for a fact your little one is happy. He saw past this world and knew there were better things to come. He knew he would be with you always even though not in the way it is meant to be for a mother and child. He knows you are sad, because you miss him. Yet he sends you messages to warm your heart and know he is still very much with you.
    Please Cindy and Lou, let the tears strengthen you and may the beauty you see remind you that your best good boy is always there.

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    1. Your words are beautiful and meaningful.x

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    2. Thank you, anonymous, for writing this. I hope and pray Cindy and Lou and Gavin (someday) find comfort in these enchanted, beautiful, and truthful words.

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    3. This post was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

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  43. I just wanted to share something from this afternoon. I was coming inside from playing with my daughter who is Gavin's age and I noticed a ladybug crawling on the door. Instantly thought of you and made me smile to imagine Ty watching kids everywhere playing.

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  44. Dear Cindy,

    I wish I could email you but I know you said you read each of the comments. I hope you realize how amazing you are. I think you need to be kind and gentle to yourself. You have done more to prepare for the holidays than I have and I did not lose my "Super Ty". I lost my Mom 3 years ago before Thanksgiving and I still feel sad. But your sadness - losing a son after a 2 year battle with cancer - is a whole different story from losing a Mom (at my age in my mid-30s). Just the fact that you are getting up every day and trying to make memories for Gavin is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT.

    Please cry when you need to cry and don't apologize or feel bad because you are doing so. Taking care of Gavin, continuing to be a wife to Lou, just breathing - these are huge accomplishments right now. Not to mention the Foundation. I am impressed with how much you have already done with the office space, plans, etc.

    Please know you are an amazing person and I wish you strength to get through the holiday and new year without Ty, but also know that it is ok not to have strength and to lean on friends and family. You have been through so much that honestly, just getting dressed impresses me!

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  45. Beautiful tree - I am sure Ty is happy with your choice! Of course, I burst into tears when I saw the ornament. It just SUCKS that he is not here with you and YES it is so WRONG. Thank God for Gavin, he is a smart boy and so glad that Ty is doing things through him too, so you always know he is near...I don't know how you do it, Cindy, your strength and courage is amazing.

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  46. After the long, difficult, painful journey you have been on, I hope for you ONLY peace. You deserve nothing but happiness, good luck, good news, signs from your Ty, and anythng that make you smile every single day. But you know what? You have such a positive outlook on life, even in the midst of the heavy grief you are experiencing, that I think your days will always have some kind of "happy" to them, because you are smart enough to know where to look for it.

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  47. My eyes have tears pouring out of them while reading your post. I can't imagine your pain nor can I imagine your extreme pain at this Christmas season. Your feelings are so raw at this moment, I am sure you feel as though it will never get better but you have many people praying daily for you and I know God will ease your suffering just as he ended Ty's (though not in the way we wanted). I read your posts and know that Ty is always with you. He is there during these horrendously difficult days. I pray for your family nightly and know that you are doing the right (though not the easiest) thing by carrying on with Christmas traditions. Try to remember the Reason for the Season, Jesus came to save us all so that one day you will be with Ty again.

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  48. The tree needs a topper. HMMMM???

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  49. Your Christmas tree is so beautiful, just like Ty! I am sure he has the biggest smile on his face and is so proud of you for doing all of this incredibly difficult holiday stuff for his brother Gavin and in honor of him. You continue to show such strength and grace with all that you have endured. You are amazing! I wish you more smiles than tears in the days to come :)

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  50. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. It is not right or fair. Thank the Lord for Gavin! Please continue fighting for Gavin, he needs both of you, he needs to have a wonderful Christmas. We are all praying for some peace for you all.
    Jennifer, Illinois

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  51. "Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark".

    I am just one of the thousands of birds singing for you. I pray that the singing of all of us who want to comfort and console you will remind you that daylight is coming no matter how dark the dawn is.

    I too am facing my first Christmas after a significant loss this past August, my heart aches with yours but together i know we will all get by one day at a time.

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  52. Cindy,

    When I tell you that my heart aches over the passing of Ty, I mean that with every ounce of my being. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you feel and I'm so incredibly sorry. I do believe that Ty is watching from heaven. The little signs you are sharing are comforting for those of us who fell in love with Ty and are heart broken over his passing. He forever changed my life and I will keep him in my heart forever. Missing you sweet angel Ty <3

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  53. my heart breaks for you and your family xxxx

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  54. one day at a time...you and Lou are doing an amazing job and I cannot imagine the pain you are forced to live with.

    I love hearing the Gavin stories..he is such 100% boy and brightens my day :)

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  56. Morning,

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

    " SuperTy's " courage continues to be an inspiration for me. Ty is my hero.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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  57. One day at a time. Please allow yourself those tears. I am so glad that as difficult as it is, you realize that Gavin needs Christmas. Ty will always be with you in his spirit. It is so hard to keep up your normal traditions but when you look back in a few years you will be so glad that you did.

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  60. My heart breaks for you, i cry every day with you. Ty is so amazing and never doubt he is watching and with you every moment of every day. The ornament is so beautiful and a perfect honor to Ty, but you are right & it brought me to tears...this is so incredibly WRONG & NOT how it's supposed to be....most people would crawl under a blanket or in a closet and just hide for eternity. The sheer fact you are doing this for Gavin, and for Ty (because we, as you all know)is watching...is so ADMIRABLE. I saw a quote, and it's so true..."Make Every Moment With the ones you love count, because Yesterday is Gone, Today is almost over, and Tomorrow Isn't Promised" and you guys in 5 short years have made the most of each and every day with Ty, even before he got sick, it's visible in each and every picture you post. Most people do not even get to experience that amount of joy, happiness, and pure love in a lifetime... sure they may live a long life, but end up dying alone and empty. Life just simply isn't fair sometimes and we will never know why or understand it. But Ty is so uniquely special, and he gets that from you & Lou & Gavin. We all HATE with a PASSION that you are going through this, I cry every day, think about Ty every day, and i have never even met him, wished i had...you are the most lucky people in the world for having had him as your child & a brother (but you know that already) and that is why Ty is ALWAYS with you & he will help you through this, and Gavin will too, he'll be there when you need him ALWAYS. Wish there was something more i could say or do.

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    1. Ditto, Your words are exactly what I was thinking. Tears are streaming down my face for dearest Cindy & Lou & Gavin. I want to give them a big hug and try to help them. Its not fair at all. My thoughts, love and prayers go out to them.
      From a New Zealand Mummy, Melissa-Jane

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  62. Cindy,
    You are such a brave wonderful mom. The love you have for your boys and the love they have for you is so clearly apparent in your writting. One day at a time. Ty is with you. Sending you thoughts of love, sanity, and calm through this season.
    -Daniella
    Seattle, WA

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  64. The words I try to write sound so inadequate after reading your beautiful and heartfelt posts...I agree completely that Ty sees the tree and he was with you as you were decorating it. What a sweet kiss he gave you through Gavin!! Such beautiful boys! I don't know if you would ever consider this, but I have seen other posts where they suggest you go see a psychic/medium...perhaps it would provide a little comfort to hear from sweet Ty and know he is ok? I cannot imagine how much your heart hurts and aches for Ty. My prayers are with you, Lou and Gavin and I continue to pray that you feel a little more peace each day. God bless you.

    Love,
    Lisa

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  65. I have no words.....only tears for your beautiful baby boy. Your ornament is so beautiful, I didn't know Ty but I can say with certainty that he will forever be in my heart. I hope and pray this holiday season brings some peace to your family.
    Much love,
    Maria
    xoxoxoxo

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  66. I cant stop thinking about Ty. I dont undertand why... I dont "know" him, i find myself doodling while in meetings, and its always SuperTy. Right there in the corner of my notepad. My heart breaks for you, I wish you and your family the best during this difficult holiday season. SuperTy is looking down, smiling, and having his own christmas party just for him in heaven. RIP Ty.. you have changed my life forever.

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  67. I wish he could come back to you, too. Big hugs.

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  68. Oh baby Ty, with you gone your mama is so so sad and nothing will ever be the same. I truly hope that when you meet it will feel to her like you were never apart. She must kiss your soft warm neck baby, she needs it so much. Thank you for directing Gavin to give her a kiss back thru his soft baby lips. You keep amazing me even when you are up in Heaven. You are just so special. I really cried over Gavin smart explanation about meeting Ty in heaven. I remember when you bargained with G-D to keep Ty alive and make him the best man ever, well I think Gavin will be that man. He will carry Ty legacy far and will continue to cherish and honor his memory. You know I must say that Ty made me fall in love with him so much I never wanted to pay attention to anyone else. But wow Cindy I have to say you must have done something special to deserve amazing boys like that. Now I'm obsessing over cuteness that you call Gavin. He is my boys new best friend and is included in every well wish prayers together with Ty. Cindy, although I do t celebrate Christmas, we celebrate Hanukkah in my house I found new found respect for this holiday and everything that has to do with Ty. It's one of the things on the list that one day I will share that Ty made me into a different person and I look at the world differently now. Thanks for that baby boy. I am forever grateful for knowing you and to your beautiful smart mama for bringing you into my life and for Gavin for being your sweetest rock and love now and for Lou for making this amazing family complete and lovable. I love everything about Campbell family. Oh and Cindy I must say I was so so excited for you using the f word even if you didn't spell it. It's totally deserving to be up there with your feelings. Miss you so much baby Ty.

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  69. As I've said before, I cannot fathom your loss or try to pretend I do. I can only liken it to the loss of my Dad who was my WORLD.. I did all the same things, crying, yelling, smelling his clothes?! So nothing you do is strange to me..my heart breaks thinking of the pain you have over the loss of Ty.. I continue to pray for you and the family that God gives you strength and helps you through the BRUTAL yet BEAUTIFUL holidays..NOTHING makes sense for you now and won't for a long time..try and be good to yourself!!

    Gabrielle

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  70. I came across this site after seeing your story on an Oz news site. Sadly not much more than one week later Ty had moved on. Having a 6yo son and (soon to be) 3yo daughter I pictured them in Ty's situation and balled my eyes out before weeping for you. I just hope I never have to face such pain. More so I hope I grow to be even half the parent to my children that you have been for Ty. I don't want to take my children (or extended family for that matter) for granted. You have taught me to value how precious our loved ones are and how short this life can truly be. I find it hard to fathom how difficult the future may be for you all, but I know that people do go through this every day all around the world. I have faith that you will find a way through this in your own time but until that time comes I send you my best wishes. May life soon make sense again. At least in my case you, through your love of Ty, have made an often selfish individual take time out to learn more about the life of a little boy I have never met, and with luck create a change for the better that my family willl benefit from. Thank you.

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