Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas is over - now I can exhale

Not that today feels much better than yesterday, but I do admit I am happy that Christmas is over.  I don't think it can possibly get easier as the years go by.  How can I do anything but think of Ty the entire day?  When it is a day filled with presents, candy, cake and Santa Clause.  All of his favorite things in the entire world.  Christmas became magical again the first time we had a baby of our own to celebrate with, and now that baby is gone.  He was our greatest gift.  Never would we have imagined he would leave us so soon.  Or that he would suffer so much in his short life.  I keep thinking about that first Christmas with him.  We were on top of the world.  Nothing could be better.  We were just so in love and so happy.  I miss him more than words can possibly explain.  I love him greater than any other love.

I do believe that Gavin, on the other hand, had a wonderful Christmas and that's really all that matters.  Now, everything is for him.  It was too good, I think, because he is still asking for more presents.   He told me at bedtime that he hears Batman on the roof.  He told me that Batman borrowed Santa's toy sled to deliver presents tonight.  I hope he isn't too disappointed when Batman doesn't leave him with a boatload of gifts under the tree tonight :)


The Big Wheels was a big hit, but we have had too much snow for Gavin to test drive it outside.  We told him that Ty picked out the Big Wheels and I think we should do that every year, so he always knows Ty is thinking of him.  Ty's empty stocking is hanging in front of me as I write.  It still seems so surreal.  I was looking through some of the photos from yesterday and came across one of Gavin sitting on the floor and I thought it was Ty for a moment.  It's just so painful.  Lou did buy Ty a new robot that is sitting on the mantel with a ribbon wrapped around it, though.  I'm glad.  It feels less like he wasn't "left out" this way.  I didn't see or feel much of Ty over the past couple of days, which made Christmas especially hard.  But I do like to think he had something to do with the snow.  It started on Christmas eve, just before Gavin was off to bed, and we woke up to about two inches on the ground.  It was so exciting for him.  Thank you, Ty. 

Of course, Christmas was and still is beyond emotional for Lou and I.  It is gut wrenching.  After putting the presents out under the tree on Christmas Eve I cried so hard and so loud I was afraid I would wake up Gavin.  It was one of my worst nights ever.  My head/face was so swollen from crying I had to sleep on three pillows because of my headache.  I was so nauseous I had to take some of Ty's anti-nausea medication from when he was on chemo.  I was a complete train wreck. 

Christmas morning was okay.  Presents were almost fun despite the bleeding hole in my heart, and we all sat down in front of the TV to watch our videos from last year which was such a bittersweet pill to swallow.  I absolutely loved seeing Ty on the big screen like that and making sure he was such a big part of Christmas, but it was so hard to watch at the same time.  I think hearing his voice is what pains me the most.  I yearn for that sound like you can't even imagine. 

I didn't cry much until the end of the day, though.  Sitting at the kitchen table where I grew up and talking with my mom.  I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, but I was good... I didn't let my crying get out of hand.  Instead we all took a sleeping pill and called it a day. 

Ty with his favorite present last year, his robot

I enjoyed giving gifts this year.  We gave presents adorned with angels and pictures of Ty.  It felt good to be so confident that our presents would be cherished by all of our family for years to come.  We were all missing Ty, even my youngest of nieces and nephews, and I am glad that we all got together and enjoyed one another over the past couple of days because that's what the holidays are all about. 

I made the mistake of telling Gavin that Ty was enjoying the biggest birthday party for Jesus in heaven this year.  He always wants to go there to see his brother because he misses him and it sounds like such fun!  It's hard to make it sound like a beautiful, safe place for Ty while helping Gavin to understand that we can't visit him there.  It's just not fair that we even have to have these conversations.  My poor baby.  He should have his brother and it's as simple as that.  It's heartbreaking and wrong and I hope some day we can find a cure for these children.  We have ton because this has to stop.  No child should have to go through what Ty went through. 

Missing you, Ty, today and every single second of every single day. 

45 comments:

  1. So sad. So sorry for your pain.

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  2. No words...

    God bless you and your amazing family.

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  3. Beautifully written > Ty was so blessed to have such a beautiful Mom and a dad that never gave up !!!! Praying that there will be a cure cant bear to hear of people/ children and families suffering . My wish fo r the New YEAR is A cure for Cancer !!!!

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  4. My heart breaks for you Cindy but please know Ty is in your heart and you are a strong woman. I'm glad you spent Christmas with family and I'm sure Ty was there too. Gavin looks so cute in the picture with his big wheels. May God continue to bless you and your family.

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  5. I'm glad you made it through Christmas...I love the pictures of the boys. Hoping Ty brings you some moments in the next few days...

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  6. You will get through the pain. You will. As sure as the sun rises your baby boy is with Christ. RIGHT THIS MOMENT. If you truly believe that you cannot be pained forever. Remember our lifespans are but a drop of dew compared to a sea of eternity. It will seem like forever...but when the Lord takes you home at last... it will be a laughable comparison of time. Your doing great by making certain his short life was not without meaning. You are making a difference. And Remember, what would Ty want? He would want his most favorite person in the world, his Mommy to be happy. I'm not certain he can see you from heaven, but I would imagine if he could he would be much more pleased to see you healing and not greiving so hard for him. I know the pain comes if waves and what I'm saying may sound incomprehensible but you HAVE to believe he is with Christ and completely OK. Consider it like he is home and you are at summer camp. Where he is he will forever be, where you are is temporary. Hes waiting on you. But while your away you need to make the best of it. Chin up, love. Your a wonderful Mother. It will get better. :)

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  7. Last years Christmas card of Ty and Gavin with that picture on it still hangs on the ribbon board in my kitchen. I have no reason to take it down, I love walking by and seeing those great smiles! He's forever a part of me! I used to pray so hard it would hurt. Just tried to send all the good to Ty, I really thought he would beat it. I just really did. Guess God felt differently. I wish you peace, grieving is just such a mind battle, when I lost my mom I was so up and down. It sucks because there is just nothing you can do. Love and Prayers to you, Terri

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  8. Prayers and tears from North Ga.

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  9. Wishing you some peace and happyness. We love you guys.

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  10. Hugs and tears from Niskayuna. I pray every day there will be some way to bring you some small amount of peace through this pain.

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  11. I hope you find solace in knowing that Ty has friends all over the world thinking of him, praying for him and missing him....God bless your family. Hugs for Gavin

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  12. I was thinking of you and your faily over christmas. the pain doesnt get easer. but you learn to cope with it a little better. im sending my love. and im glad to see gavin had a nice christmas. such a imagination with batman!

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  13. Merry Christmas. Thank you for sharing your holiday with us -- your boys are so beautiful and you are an absolutely amazing mom. Love from DC.

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  14. Morning,

    Wishing you & your family peace & happiness during the New Year.

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with you & your family. " SuperTy " is & will always be my hero.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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    1. PS - Thank you for sharing the wonderful photos.

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  15. You did it. You made it through Christmas. You made sure Gavin had a wonderful day. That was a Herculean effort and you should be so proud of yourself. I am sure Ty was so proud. He knows the sadness in your heart. What you did was pure love and sacrifice for Gavin..........what you always do so well. You are always in my prayers. You just amaze me. I want peace for you.

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  17. I thought about you, Lou, Ty and Gavin throughout the holiday (not that it helps at all), but please know that many of of us are sharing a small piece of your sorrow. You are a beautiful Mother.

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  18. Cindy-
    Could not help but think of you over the past few days..I am amazed at your strength. It sounds like the day was wonderful for little Gavin. I hope you continue to feel Ty's presence and that it eases your family's pain. -- Jamie

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  19. I wish I had the words. I'm so so sorry that Ty couldn't be there with you and your family for Christmas - like he should be. It's so terrible and wrong that he is gone. The love you have for him his to strong and clear. You are such a wonderful mother to Ty and Gavin. Sending you thoughts of love, sleep, and calm from the Northwest. - Daniella

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  20. I'm so sad for you're broken heart. It just isn't fair. I have a 5 yr old boy named Charlie. Im as in love with him as you are with Ty. I just imagine how you must feel. You seem to be doing so well. Even with the crying, anti-nausea medicine and sleeping pills. You express your words and thoughts so clearly. So many people are living this with you. I've been getting judged and criticized lately for my parenting, or lack there of. I'm always thinking about Ty and if you could just have him here again it wouldn't matter if he jumped through puddles, or was a tad late for school because he wanted to help me make his lunch... And all that little stuff. I don't shout at him anymore or or threaten him. I don't want to see him upset. I do discipline, don't get me wrong... But with Ty in my mind, I just want to cherish what I have and keep things happy always.
    Hang in there, Cindy!!

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  21. I am glad you were able to survive Christmas and kept it happy for Gavin.I am sure it was the hardest thing ever.I prayed for you all as I do every day but extra hard for the strength to get thru.I'm sure Ty enjoyed his day too and is loving seeing his brother enjoying his gifts.God bless you all and bring you some peace...Jean

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  22. I was praying for you guys on Christmas... thinking a lot about you

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  23. I'm just so sorry, there are no words. I am sorry that your heart is broken...
    I do have to say that Gavin's mischievious smile always makes me smile and laugh- he is hot to trot that little guy.
    Love you guys and miss that sweet, perfect, beautiful baby boy so much! Please take it easy on yourselves. God bless you, I have never witnessed such strength as I do in you and your family- yes you have your breakdowns but that you manage to go on speaks immeasurable volumes! xoxo

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  24. Cindy I thought about you all day on Christmas. I was praying you would have a good day. I can't imagine how torn you are for Gavin and your longing for Ty. I have to tell you that I have seen so many lady bugs. My office has been filled with them and on Christmas there was one in my kitchen and then another in my master bath. As I saw them I spoke to Ty each time and to look over my two little boys "who are also 18 months apart". We pray for Ty all the time along with you, Lou and Gavin. I don't think this will ever get easier but know that Ty's story is such a strong message and we all appreciate you sharing it with us.
    Charlotte, NC

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  25. My heart is breaking. You made it through it. Give yourself some credit. You have a beautiful support system, be crazy, were there with you. hugs from Fishkill.

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  26. As the mother of a 5 year old with cancer (and a 3 year old), I cry for both of us. You because you lost, me because I'm so afraid. Thank you for your honesty Cindy.

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    1. prayers for you and your precious baby too. xoox Rita

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  27. I am just so sorry that you are going through this. I am sorry you lost your sweet Ty. My heart just breaks for you and I am crying with you.

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  28. I think of this poem i just recently seen on my girlfriend's page, she just passed away from Cancer, the poem reminds me of Ty as well, it's so beautiful, it's called "My first Christmas In Heaven".


    My First Christmas in Heaven

    I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
    With tiny lights like Heaven’s starts, reflecting on the snow.
    The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
    For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
    I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
    But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
    I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
    For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
    I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
    But I am not far away, we really aren’t apart.
    So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
    And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

    I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
    I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
    After all love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
    It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
    Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
    For I can’t count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
    So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
    Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.



    Love, Rita xoxo

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  29. I still think of Ty every day and he gives me patience with my own boys. I'm happy to hear Lou bought Ty a robot.

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  30. You are so strong.
    You are an amazing mother.
    Hoping and praying for a cure.
    I think of your family often.
    Happy New Year!

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  31. Ty is always near you, but our limited senses can't perceive those who have left us. . . death DOES NOT exist!
    a big hug from Italy ♥

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  32. I wish I could grant you the strength you need to get through your days and I wish I could bestow on you some sense of peace and joy and hope. My heart hurts so much for you all - if I begin to even try to think of what you must deal with it, I start to cry. You are an incredible family - surrounded by incredible family and friends. May that love and support see you through the times ahead.

    Gavin will never forget Ty - and I think your idea of gifting him a present every year that Ty picked out will definitely help and make that a very special part of Christmas. Ty's ornament will always be the first on my tree from now on so he'll always be a special part of our Christmas day too.

    Big hugs to you Cindy, Lou and Gavin. Thinking of you always SuperTy. Wishing Mely a safe trip home.

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  33. Saw your video for mely. So sad for all of you today. What an amazing family you are! Again, thank you for sharing!

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  34. Ohhhh I wish it all to be a bad dream! Instead its a living night mare!!!! I am just sooooo sorry! :( as always, peace & love to you all. - Lora

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  35. Every day I come to your blog...hoping that you've had a better day. I'm sending wishes of understanding and peace to your little Gavin. It's really not fair that he has to be without his big brother. But the fact that you keep Ty's memory alive every day is such a blessing. My little daughter and I pray for you and your family every night. You have touched our lives soo much and we wish and pray every day for a cure! <3

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  36. You make me a better person, a better mom <3 Sending you love from West Sand Lake, NY.

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  37. I have been reading your blog for a couple months now and cannot understand how hard it would be for you to have to try and hold it together. I believe that Ty is always going to watch over his family and help to keep you and Gavin and Lou strong. You have taught me the true meaning of courage and strength, Love from Adelaide, South Australia

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  38. What can I say ! You are an unreal mum I can feel your love and Pain through what you write. You make us feel like we are all family keeping us up to date. Just reading all your posts when you find the time to write has given me strength, but also can feel your pain. I have been very sick of late and have two boys your age and the eldest is very worried about daddy dying as some days i can't get of bed. It is unreal how the little ones pick up on things so easy. And that they also see ( don't know how to put it ghosts or the presents of past relatives) we live in a house that has been in our family for 120 years and I reckon all the past family is still around and looks after us in tough times
    and our boys can see them often see them staring into space just like i do and no one else can see anything.
    We too have had lots of lady beetles of late and find it comforting to think they are looking over us. Sending our love from Sunny Queensland Australia

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  39. My heart aches for you! So sorry :( its just so unfair! Love from Michigan

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  40. Cindy I am so sorry!! sorry a million times, I'm glad your family was around and I'm sure that made you feel some what better. Ty will never be forgotten and he will always be in your mind, as well in others. I know someday the cure of cancer will be there. Keep fighting and you will have our support.... lots of hugs,
    Maria Savlick

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  41. For some reason a comment that I entered didn't show up and now I know why. I went crazy blaming everything for Ty death and at some point I even said that sometimes I really don't want to care about pediatric cancer anymore because if anyone deserved a cure it was Ty. But then in your comments I read something from a mom of a 5yo with cancer and a 3yo and my heart broke. I was cruel. I do care and Ty is the reason for that. I love you so much little man.

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  42. Oh Cindy, I do know how hard it is to celebrate Christmas now. It was our first Christmas without Jacob as well... The feeling of your heart being torn in two because you love watching his brother opening his presents and having fun but also wanting to scream and cry because he was not here doing his usual little squeals of joy every time he opened one of his presents... The look on his face was priceless... The tears just roll down my face when I get a chance to be by myself as I do my best to hide it all from his brother and my daughter... You are so right when you say no child should ever have to suffer like this... I find it so hard to forgive God for what Jacob went through... We couldn't even pick him up anymore to give him a cuddle which he loved so much because his disease caused so much havoc. Jacob was the cuddliest child I have ever known... My heart will never heal from this... Not until we are back in each others arms again...all we could do was lay either side of him and whisper in his ear... Even that got too much for him in the end... How do you ever get over something like that... I so hate hearing people say "well as least he isn't in any pain now" when he shouldn't have been in that much pain in the first place... It's just so wrong!

    I so wish my daughter was more like you because she seems to think the answer to her pain is getting drunk when hard times approach... I would have loved so much to sit there on christmas day and watch a video of him just to include him in the activities but that would have been to much for her. She avoids crying and remembering him in ways like that. She thinks about him all the time but when it comes to actually watching his video she can't do it. I know everyone deals with grief differently but my heart breaks because I still want to include him in our activities while she finds that too hard... So when I read your blogs the tears just start to roll again and I can only read them when she is not around which is a bit hard when we live together... I so admire you for your strength through this extremely hard time in your life... And Lou for being such a loving dad... I hope this new year brings you all peace and happiness...

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