Tonight was a beautiful night and the sky was filled to the brim with stars. I couldn't stop thinking about Ty. I've been so sad, which I know is normal, but Lou and I keep busy which I think helps us to remain as balanced as possible given the circumstances.
When I gave Gavin his bath tonight, my pain caught up with me. As I washed his hair, I did something I've never done before. I concentrated on imagining that I was washing Ty's hair, instead. Normally I would briskly rub Gavin's head and rush to rinse him so he could get back to playing, but tonight I lathered the soap through his curls with gentle swirls while he was acting out something with his toys. I let my hands linger and I visualized where Ty's shunt was, where all of his scars were within his scalp, I heard his voice telling me to be careful (he was always apprehensive about getting water in his ears or eyes), and I saw his face instead of Gavin's. It was so real and so painful. I became completely lost in my memories of Ty's body. How his soft feet felt cupped in my hands, how his fingers felt curled around mine, how his head was bumpy behind his ear where the wire mesh "plates" were in place under his skin, how I needed to clean his belly tube with extra care, how his scar on his belly was so crooked from being opened in the same spot several times (shunt surgeries). I could go on and on about every little detail right down to the exact way in which the adorable nail grew on his pinkie toe. As much as I cried, and as hard as it was, I'm so glad I remembered everything so vividly. I was so afraid that I was already forgetting. I don't want to forget a single thing about this angel baby.
|Baby Ty after a nice, warm bath - 4 months old|
We had a nice weekend with some of our best friends. They are so good to us, they surprised us and treated us to a fun-filled weekend away. We all spent Saturday - Sunday in the Poconos at The Great Wolfe Lodge and Gavin had the best time. Of course, spending a weekend at a place like that is all for the kids, but it's not the type of thing we ever would have been able to do while Ty was sick or disabled. We were happy to bring Gavin there and to spend time with our friends. We had a lot of fun in the waterpark with Gavin, and just watching him playing all of the games available. He liked the pool and the slides, but enjoyed the glorified "Chuck E. Cheese" type of arcade the best. Chuck E Cheese was one of Ty's favorite places in the world and I was so very aware of his absence the entire time. Even though we rarely took him there (for soooo many reasons, germs being the biggest one), every time he saw a commercial for Chuck E. Cheese he would yell across the room "I GO THERE! I WUB THAT!" I hope Gavin felt Ty's presence while he was earning those tickets and riding in the ice cream truck :) How I wish they could have been enjoying it together like I always imagined they would some day.
Gavin and Luke had a great time. I love to see him out with friends, having fun, doing normal things that kids do. It was his idea, of course, to wear the costumes that night. Not as normal, but so cute regardless. Gavin wears his Spiderman costume 12 hours a day (at a minimum) except for when he's at school or sleeping. Look how cute they look on this ride. It was a rollercoaster simulation for grown-ups and they were SO SMALL in those seats, but they loved it!!
Always missing Ty. I hope to see him in my dreams soon. Thank you all so much for your kind words and endless support.