Saturday, November 24, 2012

The Worst Kind of PAIN

Today has been one of my worst days.  I went to bed feeling very heavy last night, I slept terribly, and I woke up knowing that today would be a struggle.  I threw myself into picking up around the house and talking with Lou about what we should do today, but I couldn't shake the pain.  I felt it creeping up on me and I just knew that the darkness was catching up with me.  I exploded in the car until Lou turned it around to take me home.  I fought with him over things that have nothing to do with Ty.... but my emotions and my anger had everything to do with Ty.  I was doing everything I preach against.  I totally stressed out over how much I had to do today... how Lou didn't even feed Gavin breakfast this morning... the dishes that were left in the sink.... why do I have to do everything?...  All of it was just my pain catching up with me.

Lou dropped me off at home at my request so I could be alone.  I've been wrapped up in Ty's monster blankie and crying ever since, with occasional trips into his Captain America room to look at all of his favorite things.  I even pulled down his basket of medicine and yelled at it "this was supposed to save you!  Why didn't this work!?!?"  Eventually I slipped it back up on the shelf, untouched.  Some day I will have to empty all of that, but when I saw that one of his belly tubes still had some fluid in it that was once inside Ty's belly I realized I may never be ready to throw that stuff away.  I had the fleeting and most disgusting urge to drink it so I could have him part of me again, but luckily I didn't follow through because I am sane enough to realize how totally INsane that is.  Someone else will probably have to get rid of all that stuff for me. 

This grief is the worst kind of pain.  I wonder if people cut themselves to redirect all of the mental anguish into something physical.  As if the physical pain might serve as an outlet for all of the pent up emotions.  The way I feel right now, I don't think cutting myself with a razor would suffice.  I need a dull, rusty nail and still it would pale in comparison to my real pain.

I have no intentions of causing myself physical harm, but today I hurt so much that it almost sounds like a realistic option.  Luckily I am very grounded and would never follow through with something like that, don't worry.   There is no solution in hurting myself physically on top of the pain I already have.  It can't get any worse than this, so the rusty nail thing is just gross and might send me to the hospital, which is not exactly a healing alternative - I know. 

The crying is starting to subside.  It's been a couple of hours.  I had a terrible stomach ache, too, which seems to be waning.  I may be able to pick myself off of this couch after I finish writing this.  There is a couple of recent conversations we had with Gavin, that I want to share first.  I believe he is handling all of this so well, I am so proud of him.

Gavin is such a little man.  He takes a very long time on the potty, and since he's only three he insists that I keep him company the entire time.  We have some adorable conversations to pass the time. 

Last night I asked him,"What do you remember most about TY?"
"Umm.  I wee-memba pwaying wif him."
"Oh, that's so nice.  What else to you remember?"
"Umm.  Scooting wif him."
"Huh."
"Scooting wif him on the floor (Gavin used to imitate Ty when he scooted around the house on his butt around this time last year)"
"I remember that too, that was great.  You two had a lot of fun together."
"Yeah! And I remember Ty wearin' his SuperTy costume and flying all over the sky!"
"Well, I do think that's probably what he's doing right now, don't you?"
"Yeah!  In the hos-piddle."
"Nooo.  Ty is not at the hospital right now.  Where is he?"
"Umm... Wif GAWD (aka "God" in Gavin speak)." (Gavin said this with a big smile)
"That's right, with God in heaven."
"Is his house like my house?"
"No, I think it is much bigger and much nicer and maybe it even sits on top of the clouds!"
"I want to be wif GAWD and Ty, too."

Of course he does.  It sounds like so much fun.  That was last night.  This morning Lou told me that Gavin asked Lou to tell him about Ty out of the blue, so Lou sat him on his lap and scrolled through hundreds of photos - old and new - on his phone.  I think it's amazing that Gavin is still so interested in Ty.  It makes me happy.



The other day I took Gavin to get his picture with Santa.  Oh how I wish Ty was there on the other side with Santa.  Gavin was a pretty good sport about it, though.  Very cute.  We are supposed to pick out our Christmas Tree today, but I don't think I have it in me.  Every year we took Ty to the tree farm and he would pick out the biggest, nicest trees for our family and for Aunt Debi.  How can we do that without him this year.  Gavin will have to be in charge, but I am going to be a basket case being there without Ty.

The other night, there was a huge noise that startled all of us in the house.  We live in a fairly rural neightborhood and it definitely came from our house.  It was late at night and I said "what the heck was that?!"  Lou began looking all over the house and so did I.  We checked every shelf in every closet, every hanging bath toy, etc. and we just couldn't figure out what it was!  The next day, Lou discovered that it was Ty's tiny bicycle that fell of a shelf in our garage.  It hasn't otherwise moved in two years and there was no wind last night what-so-ever.  I like to imagine that Ty just wanted to know that now he is doing all of the things he wasn't able to do in life.  Ty is amazing.

Ty Campbell, August 2010 (at the time of diagnosis)

134 comments:

  1. It will be a fight to get through today and the tree farm but Ty will be there. As for the job of the first ornament. I suggest a new one with Ty's picture ON it and ALL 3 of you together place it on the tree, united as a family. Maybe that will help. My heart goes out to all of you. Have that cry (and thank Lou later for knowing you need it...). God Bless you.

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    1. What a lovely idea! I bet Ty would love watching that from Heaven!!!

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    2. This is my first ever blog - lol - age 41 oh I have to get with the times! However it is more than necessary in this case. You know why was so strong because he got that from his mother! Cindy- you are the strongest woman ever! You will have days like today and better days. Today wAs not so good, tomorrow will be better I pray. Oh and the bike fell because Ty was riding it in the garage!!!! Stay strong !!' t.t

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  2. God Bless you Cindy, keep pushing on for the rest of your family. Ty was absolutly amazing, just amazing. I feel close to him just because my name is Eva and live in Mahopac, but Iam a compleate stranger. Please know that you and Ty have changed my whole outlook on life. I often wished and prayed to win lotto, thinking it was the answer to all my problems, and here your family was wishing and praying so very hard for a miracle. I stopped and relized the important things the first time I read about Ty. I stopped to pray for Ty any moment I could and still do. Thank you! All my love and prayers always to the Campbell family

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  3. I wish there was more we all could say or do, but there isn't and that grieving pain is just as physical as it is mental...some days will be worse than others and like in one of your last posts all you can do is breathe. These low moments are ok and expected...although you, your family, and especially Ty are AMAZING...your human. You don't have to think about getting rid of anything. Keep whatever helps you the slightest bit. The idea of an ornament with Ty's picture is a great idea. Then each year you could put that ornament on the tree first as a family, that way he will always be there putting on the first ornament every year...although we all know he will ALWAYS be there in your hearts & spirit no matter what. Baby steps...Thinking of you, your family, and TY each & every day!

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  4. Lots of love for you, your family and Ty. I am one of the many that your story has touched and that your posts touch deeply. Thanks.

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  5. Jennifer Russo, Lake Grove, NYNovember 24, 2012 at 1:02 PM

    One moment at a time....it's all you can do. Hopefully you will feel a little better after having such a rough morning. Loved your conversation with Gavin. I'm sure he will always want to hear about his big brother....he's just like the rest of us. :-)

    Loved the picture of Gavin and Santa!! You are amazing for accomplishing a visit. It couldn't have been easy.

    Thinking of you.

    -Jennifer

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  6. Yep, he's riding his bike! Of course he is, and - like any 5 year old, wants you to know it!
    I wish I could somehow take on some of your pain for you. I so so so wish it. So many of us would, if we could. Please try to continue to feel our positive energies, and our prayers for your beautiful family.
    I hope the true meaning of this season delivers what it should - peace, love, happiness.

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  7. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish so badly that I could ease it for you, as Im sure most of us do. I hope you know we are praying for you and remembering Ty always. One day at a time, Cindy. God Bless you and comfort you all your days.

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  8. Dear Cindy,This is the first time I have left a comment though I have been following you since the first blog post.Everyday without fail I check to see if you have an update.Though my situation is far from your's I needed today of all days to read it.I have 4 kids,3 all grown and a daughter Kate who is 16.We had a huge fight in August and she won't pickup the phone or anything.I have been sending a card every week to try and fix this horrid situation.I have never missed anyone so much.I am really low and anxious today.It did me good to read your post and make myself realize that it could be so much worse.Before I logged on I had also been in her purple room we painted and cried.I lay on her bed to find some comfort.And found none.I need the chance to be a better Mom to her.This is just a tiny part of the whole difficult situation since my divorce.I am completely alone.But once again you caused me to reflect on what I do have.You are such a brave woman.I pray for strength like you have to get through the holidays,my birthday alone and then hers.I will continue to pray for you unceasingly.May we each find some comfort today.

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  9. It hurts and hurts and hurts. You're angry at everyone and everything at times when you're not too tired or stunned or dazed or in a state of suspended animation. Dirty dishes don't matter, I found that nothing really mattered very much. Take tiny steps, overlook dirt and deadlines. Focus on little things like Gavin's smile or Ty's smile and perhaps it will help you, I hope it will.

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  10. Big hugs from St. Louis... Although this blog entry is sad I'm glad that Ty let you know that he is off riding his bike in heaven. Smiling, I'm sure.

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  11. I'm so sorry for your pain, for loosing Ty, for always having a broken heart even when life goes on around and you must too. I'm surprised that you are still so strong that you take your time to write to us, to have lovely "poopey conversations" with Gavin (I guess all boys are alike in that sense, they need company and heart to heart during this time). I imagine waking up is the worse because you sleep and once you open your eyes reality hits you hard in your chest, Ty is not here, and you are so wake up and get to life. I wish I could make it easier on you, I wish I really knew you but that won't help, nothing will, on,y healthy happy Ty will be able to cure your pain. So know this Cindy he is healthy now he must be he is not in pain so strong that you feel ashamed you can't help him while his eyes are staring into yours. He is more alive now then ever, he is free, and he was sending you signs just so you feel his presence. Thank you Ty for doing that. And I am so glad to know that Gavin is doing well, I often think of what he must be feeling, but he is so so smart. Cindy, everyone in your amazing family received a special role when G-D created you. Ty was special angel whose mission is beyond our comprehension but he brought love peace awareness and could possibly help us find cure for cancer. You were created as this amazing mom that many of us only thrive to be to tell Ty story to care for him to give his last kiss as you witness his entering heaven. Lou was made to be everyone voice of reason the force that supports everything, the calmness, your cure from the pain you experience everyday. And Gavin was given such a hard job too at 3 years old he must let you go on and love your life and smile and laugh when he makes you too and let you imagine Ty sometimes when you hug him and close your eyes. He is so special Gavin, I promise you that while you won't ever ever forget Ty one day his memories will bring you smiles and Gavin will help you do that. I pray you have easier days and I hope superTy will show you his amazing smile while you dream. I miss you Ty.

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  12. Cindy, no words can ease your pain but I just want to say how incredibly amazing you have been throughout this difficult journey. You are the definition of strength and grace. Allow yourself every emotion, every reaction, every outburst that comes with this. God bless you.

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  13. I'm praying for you Cindy. I'm so sorry for your pain.I can't comprehend what you, Lou and Gavin, and the rest of your family are going through. I've been following your blog for a few months and I am amazed at the grace you carry yourself with. Ty touched my heart. Through your blog, I rejoiced with you at his triumphs and the miracles you saw throught his journey, and I cried and grieved when he passed. Now, I am cheering you on as the foundation is starting to take shape. My prayer is that no child and no family will ever have to battle cancer ever again.
    Katie

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  14. Oh Cindy! My heart aches for you, Lou and little Gavin. I think of you every single day and pray that Ty continues to find ways to let you know he is still very much with you. I know he always will be. I hope this isn't out of line or hurtful at all, but the day after Ty died- I heard a song on the radio for the first time. It immediately made me think of him and I drove the rest of my commute in tears. But they were calm tears. It's called "I Will Wait" by Mumford and Sons. I just pictured Ty in Heaven, playing and enjoying the peace of being pain-free. But I know without a doubt, he will be right there waiting for you. Until you can all be together again. Somehow the picture in my head was very reassuring. Now I call it "Ty's song". :)

    Hoping that today is a brighter day and that you can feel Ty's presence when you do decide to select that perfect Christmas tree.

    -Lisa from AZ

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    1. I love that song... For a few weeks every time I hoped in my car to go somewhere that song would come on... I automatically thought of my beautiful grandson and it would touch me deeply.... I told my daughter and her friend about it always playing and then went to google the lyrics to understand them properly. I was so surprised by the meaning of what was said by others as well... I don't hear it as often now. It was like I will play this over and over again until you get my message then I will stop. I believe it was another sign from my baby boy! A message to us all that yes "Ty" and all our loved ones will be waiting for us when our time comes!

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  15. Cindy, I am so sorry for the pain you and your family are suffering. I will continue to pray for our God to comfort and heal you. You are always in my thoughts and in my heart.
    Dolly - CA

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  16. Cindy, I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. My heart just breaks for you and Lou. I lit my cande tonight for your family and for Ty... And I definately think he was taking a spin on his bike. I have a 5 year old and that's what he wants to do even in the rain.. Adorable that Ty came back for it.

    I guess today was just one of those sad days.. I felt it too. Lack of sleep will do that too. My son had the stomach flu and I was up all night. I thought of you and how you took care and worried for Ty constantly. Then tonight when I saw the picture you posted with Gavin and the Santa from the Danbury Mall (the same Santa that my 5 yr old has posed with for many years) I just lost it! You, your family, and Ty just hits so close to home for me. So often I wish I could hug you.. Anything ! Your an amazing mommy.

    Please continue to stay strong.. One of my posts to you when Ty was very sick was that I sent prayer's for you to continue to trusts your mommy instincts now more than ever and that you will know what to do .. You always have and tonight I pray for the same thing. Just continue.. Trust yourself and your emotions, you will know. Your strong and you have Ty backing your heart i

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  17. You are amazing. Plain and simple. Your pain is real and what you describe is so legit. Your description is perfect . I wish you were not going through this. But, I also wish no one did. I hope you know how many people are praying for all of you. Your courage to face each day, each hour, each minute , each second is an inspiration to all who wish you peace.

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  18. Praying for peace for you tonight. I can't imagine your grief but know that even in your darkest hour you are an inspiration to many. The courage you have shown is amazing. Ty is always with you.

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  19. I think of you often and I'm sorry for your sad day. There are no words. Praying for you.

    Love, Love, Love

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  21. Cindy, I'm at a complete loss for words! I can't even imagine the hurt and anger you must be feeling. I can only say that I hope and prayer for you, Lou and sweet little Gavin that the hurt will become less. God bless you.

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  22. Oh Cindy - I can only imagine the pain you must feel all the time and how I wish any of us could do something to ease it. All the feelings you feel are understandable - but I still wish you didn't feel them. I wish Ty was here with you - I too wish that he was sitting next to Gavin in the picture with Santa. (and how handsome does Gavin look in that picture) I know the holidays are going to be incredibly hard - give yourselves a break - it's ok to lean on your family for the hard things, like taking Gavin to pick the tree if it's just to hard for you to do. Always praying for all of you - always thinking of Ty. Wishing the Campbell family peace today and every day.

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  23. Praying for you and your family. I think of Ty everyday when I look at my boys. He has taught us to enjoy every moment and smile like he did.

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  24. Cindy: I wish I could tell you there is a magic potion to grief. There is not and ripping one's heart out would hurt less than it breaking. None of this is fair. All of what you feel is okay and not wrong. However, I worry about you and Lou. Do not push him away and if he needs to be your wiping post, be sure to tell him and be his. Men and women go through grief differently, do not hate him, he is hurting too. I know you know that but sometimes we have to be reminded. Hold on and let Ty come to you. He came by making the biggest crash he could. I do not know if it would help you, but, my Aunt and Uncle lost their son suddenly and tragically. They include his picture in all family events so for them they can carry him along.

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  25. Cindy, so sorry you had such an awful day. Can't imagine what you are going through. Hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  26. The biggest ladybug I have ever seen has taken up residence in my home. He/she has been all over the two-story-tall white walls of my living room area for about a week. Every time I see him/her, I pray for you and Lou and Gavin (and Ty). I know your pain will always be with you, but I hope you have some better days in the near future. Much love and many kind thoughts. You are strong, amazing, and will always be Ty's Mommy.

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  27. Praying for you and Lou.. I can't imagine what you are going through.. I am thinking of all of you..My thoughts and prayers are with you

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  28. That you can still so beautifully share this journey with us is amazing. This life is unfair. Just take it minute by minute and know that you are stronger than even you know. I have a feeling you will do great things.

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  29. I’ve been following your blog now for the past few months. I’ve had so many times that I’ve wanted to write but felt that my words would not come out right. You and your family have taught me so much about being a better parent and to not take anything for granted. Recently I had an experience that I wanted to share with you. On the one month date of Ty being in heaven I went and picked up my Super Ty t-shirts from your family friend. I brought them home and that evening my husband saw them lying on our island. He was saying how great they were when all of a sudden something went flying over my head. I looked at him and said “What was that?” We both then watched as this tiny lady bug flew around our kitchen and landed on one of our cabinets. My husband actually commented that it must have been a young one because it was so very tiny. I instantly thought of you and your recent post about looking up for ladybugs. I hadn’t seen a lady bug in our house before that day and haven’t seen one since. I truly believe that this was Ty thanking us for supporting his cause showing me that he is really everywhere touching so many lives. You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Toni from CT

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  30. Cannot even imagine the pain you are going through! I started to read your blog when ur little hero passed. I wish you peace within yourself... I pray that god helps heal your pain..... God bless u! I'm sure that Ty is with you and is soooo proud of you and your husband!

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  31. My thoughts and prayers are still with you and your family. May God continue to bring you comfort. I can't say I know how you feel but I am a mom too and I can only imagine how broken your heart is. Just remember you have all your followers who miss Ty and we are here for comfort as well.

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  32. I can only imagine the pain and heartache you are going through. Don't feel bad about being sad, mad, angry, hurt, of course you are, you lost your precious baby boy, you have every right to feel these things. Don't put yourself under pressure getting rid of anything belonging to Ty, you are not ready to do that, one day you might be, but you shouldn't put yourself under pressure to do anything. You are being amazing and strong, and you should realize that. The fact that you took Gavin to see Santa shows what an amazing wonderful mom you are .. I think I would be under that blanket. I hope you continue to get strength.

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  33. I wish I could say something to make you feel better or take away your horrific pain.. I will continue to pray for you, Lou and Gavin...the heart is an amazing muscle.. It can cause INTENSE pain and LOVE


    Be well.. Love Gabrielle

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  34. I have no words that could comfort
    you, although I wish I did. I am sorry. I am thinking of you and your family. Wishing you peace.

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  35. Cindy, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling, If I could have but one wish, I wish I could bring back Ty healthy and strong for you! I know there are no words that could comfort you at this moment! I see pictures of Ty like the one above and he truly looks like an angel! His face is so pure and his eyes just show something... like his purpose was far greater than anything we could imagine! He is truly angelic! I believe he really was here for something bigger than anything we know, but I hate the pain that you and Lou and Gavin have to endure! Never feel like you have to get rid of anything of Ty's! I know I'd probably keep everything forever too! Hold on to them for as long as you need to and if that turns into forever, than so be it!!! Ty wanted you to know he was with you, he knew you were having a tough time and wanted to bring you comfort in knowing he is all around you! Why else would his little bike fall out of the blue like that? That is just awesome and another sign that there is something grand out there. Cry, scream at the top of your longs, do whatever you need to do to relieve the pain! We all know you would never hurt yourself, you are a mother grieving for her son! I wish I could wrap my arms around all of you and take away your pain!! My heart goes out to you! I hope tomorrow is a better day! Just remember to breathe! XOXOXOX

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  36. Your entry today breaks my heart - I wish there was something we could do to ease your pain....
    I do believe however, that bicycle is Ty giving you signs - Mommy please do not cry, I am ok <3
    Hanna

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  37. I wish there was something we could all do that could ease the pain. I know that is not possible. When I look at your beautiful pictures of Ty they bring me to tears and I did not even have the pleasure of knowing him. I just pray for all of you each day and hope that sooner then later you will start to have more good days than bad. I know you find comfort in knowing that Ty is all around you so just reach out to him when you need to..he is hearing you.

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  38. Oh Cindy... I am so sorry. Of course you feel this way. You don't have your baby boy with you. You just can't wake up and make everything normal again. It just isn't. It is so horrible that you have to live without a piece of your heart, which is Ty. I wish you could have Ty back here with you & your family. Hang in there. God will help you put the pieces back together. The picture will not look exactly the same but it will still be your family, Ty included. God and the love of your family & friends (even those of us only know to you online) will help heal your broken heart. Sending hugs and prayers for comfort right now to you. Bless you dear & God Bless Ty!! I love that little guy. Love from Christine,OH

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  39. There is no right or wrong when it comes to grief. Although you have been so strong throughout these last two years, you are only human. It is ok to break down. Do what you need to do. Get it all out. I hope you don't feel pressure to always be the strong person you are. I hope and pray that you and Lou can be there for each other. It's only natural to take out your frustration on the one you love the most. But he feels the exact same way as you. You need each other, now, more than ever. I think you should go to a psychic medium. One who connects with spirits of loved ones who have passed. I did when my mother died and it helped me so much. She said things she couldn't possibly know and that validated the messages from my mother. Cindy, my heart breaks for you. There is no love like a mother's love. Please know that Ty is always by your side. He is truly happy now. Heaven knows no sadness. He wouldn't want you to be sad all the time. He got that smile from you, after all. Throw yourself into your foundation and good things will come. And about Christmas....get on a plane and go somewhere tropical...something you would never do. Keeping you all in my prayers. Kiss that sweet Gavin for me. Stay well...

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  40. I'm praying for you constantly Cindy and Lou. Though I never met Ty personally, I've told over 100 people about him, and not a day goes by where he doesn't cross my mind. I pray for God to heal your pain, and give you some peace of mind and heart. I'm sorry you're hurting so. You are so amazing, and anyone would be lucky to have you as their mother. I have had various great dreams about Ty, and I will try to send them your way. Lots of love and prayers, Liz Collins

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  41. It takes a lot of strength and courage to break down and feel this kind of grief in its entirety. I know that is not a comfort when it is at its worst - or maybe ever, really - but it is a testament to where Ty got his own strength and courage. I wish there were words that could help during this time - I can't imagine that anything is enough right now. Just know that you are in my thoughts and my heart, along with Ty, Lou and Gavin.

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  42. Oh
    Cindy, I am so very sorry you had Super Ty taken from you by cancer. I just burst into tears when I saw your Christmas photo with Gavin, sitting solo, the unfairness of Ty not being present just hit me, so I cannot even imagine the pain you're in. Being a mother to 3 beauties I think I can relate...but I liken it to thinking you can imagine what "Labour"
    is about...rationally. YOU CAN'T until you have walked in those shoes.
    I am so glad you can communicate so openly via this blog, it can only help to get all that pain transfered tothe page, off your chest and I hope we can share the load in some small way.

    You are amazing, Ty loved you, Gavin loves you and your beautiful Husband shares you pain. Keep breathing beauiful Lady. x
    Liz from Australia

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  43. I am so sorry that you have to experience such sadness especially after everything you have already been through. Know that so many people, more than you can imagine, are thinking and praying for your family. I am sure Ty is so proud of you on how brave and courageous you continue to be everyday! I see where he got all of his amazing qualities :)))

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  44. Morning,

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with you & your family - along with a special prayer for Ty - " SuperTy."

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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  45. Cindy,

    I wish there was some way for us to make even an ounce of your pain more bearable.

    You did whatever any parent grieving for their child does...crying, yelling.... and yes,, even lashing out at the person closest to you. It is all very normal in a situation that seems anything but normal (losing your child). Just try to lean on Lou as much as you can. You need each other so much

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    1. And consider going to a bereaved parents group when you are ready. As much as you may need your space at times, this is nothing that even the most super of supermoms and dads should ever have to go through alone.

      When my sister lost her daughter, she lashed out at her husband. She begged, pleaded and cried for him to leave her, because she blamed herself for her daughter's cancer. Just like your words about cutting yourself, you know it is not a rational thing to do, just like it was not for my sister to want her husband to leave her...but it is all normal under the circumstances. And my brother in law is a wonderful man, husband and father who gave my sister space when she needed it, but would never walk away, despite what my sister begged him to do. Eventually, they made it through the darkest days of the storm, and are now closer than ever. All you can do is continue to breathe right now, even when you don't want to. And lean on your husband and give each other space when needed. You need each other so much.

      I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

      Love,

      Kate on LI

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  46. I am sorry but also thankful that you were able to share your feelings and I hope it brought you even the tiniest measure of relief.

    It's so soon, I don't expect relief to be anywhere in sight - taking one minute at a time is all you can ask of yourself.

    We are all praying for you and never forgetting Ty.

    This may seem strange but we recently lost our dog, also named Ty - about 10 days ago. Of course I'm not comparing that loss to yours just that now your Ty and my Ty will be friends in Heaven.

    Take care.

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  47. Awwwww cindy your experiencing the anger in you grieving. You have been so positive and focused on the happy times.i hoped you could skip it but it is not possible. Nothing to say except feel what you feel your entitled.your ty"s.Mom. I hope every day is easier not harder.

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  48. Awwwww cindy your experiencing the anger in you grieving. You have been so positive and focused on the happy times.i hoped you could skip it but it is not possible. Nothing to say except feel what you feel your entitled.your ty"s.Mom. I hope every day is easier not harder.

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  49. I just want to reach through this computer and give you a big hug! The pain I hear in your writing makes me hurt, I CANNOT imagine yours. Take care of yourself today. Ty would want you to.

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  50. Cindy, my heart breaks for you and as I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I know that there are just no words for any of this. Please just know that whenever you have days or moments like this, you also have an army of us out here sending you positive energy, love, and prayers and are ready and willing to do ANYTHING to help you. We think of Ty everyday, we grieve his loss, we share his story; we are better mothers, better wives, better human beings because of Ty. We are forever changed because of your beautiful son, his amazing spirit, and your inspiring words. I am angry for you, I am so very sad for you, and I promise to do everything I can to help your cause and honor Ty. I hate that this world will not have the benefit of Ty's presence as we know it, but I do believe that the very best of him - his perfect essence and spirit - is right there with you. You get to keep that, you are his mom and he is your little boy forever. You, Lou, Gavin, and of course Ty, are always in my thoughts and prayers. Much love, Kasey Diotte

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  51. I told you it's bad!!!! Hug just cause.

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  52. Cindy my heart bleeds for you and your family. I cannot begin to imagine the depth of the pain you feel for the deepest loss in life. I pray for Ty and all of you every day. I know you take comfort in knowing that Ty is now healthy and at peace. I also believe that those moments like the trycyle are his way of letting you know he is still with you in spirit. We recently lost my brother-in-law very suddenly. My sister's strong faith has been her survival. The other day I said a prayer that we would know he is well and at peace. Then I went about my day - and when I pulled onto the parking lot at work and got out of my car - I had my answer. Next to my wheel was a golf ball - the kind he always used. My office is in a rural tire store far away from any opportunity for a "wild" swing to take place. I know in my heart that Ray sent that to assure us he is whole again and watching over my sister. I believe the same happens for you. I hope in time you will find your peace - you are forever blessed by having Ty in your life. I feel blessed that you shared your story with me. My life is forever changed for having Ty and you all be a part of it. Thank you.

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  53. ugh-my heart hurts so much for you. I cant imagine this kind of pain. Even in your darkest moments you remain an inspiration. You still find positive things to say even through this horror. So normal to be angry and bitter. I dont know if I would be able to stop these feelings from swallowing me whole if I had to endure this kind of loss...I admire your unwavering faith & belief in all of life's beauty. I still & always will think of Ty whenever I see/experience anything beautiful. I hope you get some sleep with sweet dreams of Ty and your times as a family together. I wish you peace.

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  54. You are so incredibly strong and a SuperMom! With all you are going through, you manage to make the most of each and every day, event, for gavin, for your family, and most of all Ty. It just continues to amaze everyone. If I had one wish, it would be for you to have Ty back with you all. I truly mean that, I wish for that every day more than anything. But I know as well as you, and everyone else following your journey knows that Ty will always be with you, he is a part of you, and always will be. You are an incredible source of inspiration for many, you have raised so much awareness around this terrible disease, and because of Ty, who truly is SuperTy, your foundation will do amazing things. There is a saying "God only gives us what we can handle, but I wish he didn't trust me so much" I think God trusts you immensely, he made that clear when he gave you the greatest honor of being Ty's mommy, and your belief and faith is what is going to get you through. And always know we all love you, cry with you, and are to support you!

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  55. I'm so so sorry. You don't know me but i wish i could hug you.

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  56. I have no words for you other than we're all crying with you. Nothing about this is fair and you deserve as many awful days as you need -though I really wish you didn't have to do it at all. Love the pictures of the boys -- they are both beautiful.

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  57. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my entire family suddenly when I was 26. To say I was lost and in unbearable pain is an understatement. I feel your pain in my heart. Today I am 53 and I still cry some days but I smile much more. I have a wonderful husband, great children and two grand children. You too have a wonderful husband and son. They are your reason to smile. God bless you and keep you strong.

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  58. I am so sorry to know what you are going through. I cry with you.Please let Lou have his pain too. I would hate for anything to happen to you all ....you are so great for each other...way better than I have found...and Gavin...how could ha forget his brother???? It's ok to feel sad and alone...I wouldn't doubt it. But you have a mission...to make the world remember your baby boy and the reason he died. That is your gift to him....I love your family and think of you always.o

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  59. I am so sorry to know what you are going through. I cry with you.Please let Lou have his pain too. I would hate for anything to happen to you all ....you are so great for each other...way better than I have found...and Gavin...how could ha forget his brother???? It's ok to feel sad and alone...I wouldn't doubt it. But you have a mission...to make the world remember your baby boy and the reason he died. That is your gift to him....I love your family and think of you always.o

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  60. Oh I am so sorry for your pain. I feel so much sadness and heartache for you-take one day ( hour) at a time- keep breathing and praying. We are all here for you and care so much.

    Ty will continue to send you messages- that was a big one! :)

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  61. This post gives me the chills. I love that your little man is sending you signs and messages just when you need them most!

    Your emotion is so raw and real, and you have an incredible knack for conveying that through your written words. I guess there will be days that are worse than others, but somehow you are fighting through them all to fight for a bigger purpose. You are one strong mama.

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  62. I keep coming back to this page, hoping for a new post...hoping you've had a better day. Oh Cindy, there's nothing that can make you have a better day, except having your boy back. I know that. WE know that. All I CAN offer, is the fact that I was visited by a hawk again today. A red-tailed hawk. OF COURSE I think it's Ty. Of course I KNOW it's TY. It is. he's everywhere. We know that. I'm going to post my pics of the hawk, though I know the pics aren't clear - they're the best I could do w/out a telephoto lense. But you HAVE to know....it's not common for hawks to just land and/or hang out in my yard... but here he was....


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  63. God bless you for sharing story. Give yourself the time and space to grieve. It's okay to fall apart sometimes. What you are feeling and thinking are completely normal. You are not insane. What is not normal is losing a child. My heart goes out to you and your family. Ty will always be near you and let you know he's okay.

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  64. Cindy and Lou,
    Your pain is palpable.
    But Ty is out riding a bike over the clouds..
    Ease up on yourselves a little...let your mind rest- if only for tonight and then for one day at a time...
    There are too many of us all over the world constantly thinking of him, and loving him, and who will never, ever forget this yummy, gorgeous, little boy who has taught us the best life lessons.
    It will just not happen!!
    Sending you hugs and XOXO

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  65. hmmm that part about drinking ty's belly fluid - to be honest that sounds totally sane i thought - i know you won't do it and i ultimately wouldn't either but that struck a cord with me - that's the thing with our kids, your child is the one person who can throw up, poop, pee, you name it...all over you and as a mom you don't even flinch. at least i don't - that's how one you feel with your child. i get what you wrote completely. sending you warmest thoughts of strength and healing in this unbearable time for you - you are an amazingly loving mother and human being.

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  66. Cindy & Lou,

    God how my heart just breaks for you and Lou. I read Lou's post the other day, and I have no words. . . I think about you guys all the time, and reading this post, just made me cry.

    Cindy, I do not know how you get up and function every day. I don't think I could do it. I would fall into a deep depression I would imagine and probably walk around like a zombie. But you push through your days and you guys are making a difference in Childhood Cancer. I could not do it, but I know that you and Lou can. Why? Because you guys are simply amazing! It truly is incredible the love, strength, and courage you two have. I have honestly never in my life seen such strength, expect from Ty of course! You do what others could never do Cindy! I am not just saying this to make you feel better, I am saying it because it is the truth. I am sure you have read enough of my comments over the years to see that I tell it how it is, and you are probably the strongest person I have NEVER met! You and Lou are my heroes!

    I can't help but picture the photo of Lou holding Ty helping him put the first ornament on the tree and how difficult it will be to do without him physically there, but he is there I really believe that! Too many strange things have happened! How does a bike fall out of nowhere? Angels in fires, men in caves, ladybugs, I mean Ty is everywhere! Ty will always be with you in your heart and I know that probably is not good enough! You want him there with you and his daddy and brother in the physical sense, but he is there you just can't see him!

    This is coming from a woman who really didn't know what to believe. 1 year ago I didn't believe in heaven and angels, although I did believe in God, or some form of higher power. But now? I believe! I believe so strongly it is crazy, even I can't believe how much I believe sometimes. You and that beautiful little boy have made me a believer!

    Thinking of you guys always! Wish I was there to give you a great big hug! I have a special place in my heart for the Campbell Family! You all have changed my life for the better. Thank you.

    Joy Marielle
    Baltimore, MD

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  67. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I wish I knew what to say to make it better but as a mother I know nothing will make it better. Mother's aren't supposed to lose their children... All I can do is pray that time will help ease your pain...thank you for sharing your beautiful family with us.

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  68. I hate that nothing anyone can say or do can really make this better. I hate that I can't say some magical saying and you'll be out of pain and back in pre-cancer bliss.

    My heart breaks for you all. I don't know if you've considered it, but have y'all thought about therapy? As a family and as individuals. I am not usually a strong proponent of therapy. However, I also know that it can really make a difference in the grieving process. I don't ask that lightly, but I think I would be remiss if I didn't suggest considering it.

    For what it's worth, I get that anger. I was consumed by a very similar anger after I was raped. It took me years to work through that anger and it was ultimately working with a therapist that helped.

    And then sometimes all we need is an alone day. A day to just let yourself be. That is something a lot of people struggle with but it's that grounded ability you have to know when you need a day like that; and which is precisely why I have no fears of you physically hurting yourself. As you said, no physical pain can come close to matching this emotional and mental pain. I hope that writing helps, too. The component of you having to deal with your grief, Lou having to deal with his grief, Gavin with his, The Campbell's as a whole, extended family, and so on and so forth, does not make this any easier. In fact, it makes it harder. Where you might normally turn completely to Lou, right now you can't, not like normal. Nor can he for you.

    I will continue to pray for you all. And while I know it's not much, I'm sending great big huge ol' cyber-hugs.

    ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

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  69. Dear Cindy,
    I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I always do when I read your blog. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family especially tonight, however you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love and hugs,
    Susie (Australia)

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  70. Dear Cindy,
    just wanted to tell you how courageous you are to share your feelings here as honestly as you do and I know it does not only help you but also many of us who have been through extreme grief and recognize ourselves in what you wrote. Just allow it all to be there. Allow yourself to break down, stay in bed and cry, let your feelings out when they are so strong. I know sometimes it feels like you won´t survive this, but you will and there will be brighter times again. What you resist persists. The fastest way through this pain is straight through it. You are doing great and you are absolutely normal in what you are experiencing and doing. Just don´t push yourself, but be gentle with yourself just as you were for so long with your sick child. You will overcome this, you are never alone and there have been so many signs of divine help and guidance and support and when this wave is through you will be able to breathe again and feel other things until the next wave and this too shall pass. Sending you lots of love and light Renate from Germany

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  71. I hope the last couple of days have been a little better. I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. I think it's just part of the grieving process. I am glad to hear you are still receiving signs from Ty. I love the photo Ty. So many of your photos remind me of my son at that same age. Thank you for always sharing. I think and pray for your family daily

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    1. Sorry, I didn't mean to understate what your going through. I think it is unimaginable. I just really hope and pray it will get better for you and your family.

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  72. I sure hope you had a better day but you are totally normal. Let yourself hurt and cry and yell. Its ok. Ty is holding you through it all.... When you sit, he is on your lap. When you sleep he is curled up next to you. When you drive, he is in his spot. When you play with Gavin, he plays all around you. . .
    Always praying for you always crying with you. I can't imagine and I want the pain to stop.
    I don't have the right words for your family but i'm sending love your way...

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  73. My son is 16 months old and has Goldenhar Syndrome. He's had a heart surgery and a spinal surgery and will have other surgeries in the future on his jaw, his skull, and possibly several other things. He is deaf in one ear. Like Ty, I have always felt he 'sees' some special things. The only words he says clearly are "daddy", "garden", and "cat". He'll usually try to say a word if I point something out to him, but only if I go to some effort to get him to; usually, you can't understand him. I think this is because he doesn't hear well, and right now, his hearing aid is broken. Today I woke up and checked this page. He happened to walk over and climb onto my lap. I pointed to the screen and showed him Ty and said, "Look at this angel." He said, very clearly, "TY." I said "Ty"? And he said, "Ty!" I had never told him Ty's name. I told him if he ever finds himself in trouble, Ty would watch over him. He's having his next surgery in summer 2014, and it will be a long one (8-9 hours). I believe very much that Ty will be watching over him.

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    1. That's amazing! I'm so happy to hear that! I love hearing stories that confirms there is an after life.

      Rita

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  74. No words will really comfort you, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Holidays will never be the same. My mom's death in November and my sister's death in December always make the holidays bittersweet. No comparison to losing a child, but the emptiness is there nonetheless. Wishing you peace, and hope you find some joy in the days ahead. Ty lives on in Gavin, and Ty's amazing spirit will always be with you!

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    1. BTW, such a cute picture of Gavin with Santa! I took my youngest son yesterday to get his picture with Santa.

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  75. This indescribable pain, this pain we would all take from you if we could, barely scratches the surface of the depth of your profound love and enduring connection with your son. That is what comes through so clearly time and again, it is what we all reach for, and hold onto, and believe in.

    Like so many, I have had a heavy heart since Ty passed from this life that we know. Driving home from the holiday weekend, I tuned the radio in and on came REM's "Shiny Happy People". Suddenly, I found myself tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, humming under my breath, really listening to the lyrics, and I thought of Ty. And I smiled. This song could be his anthem. His love and his joy will be with us forever. Ty is everywhere.

    Shiny Happy People (REM)

    Meet me in the crowd, people, people
    Throw your love around, love me, love me
    Take it into town, happy, happy

    Put it in the ground
    Where the flowers grow
    Gold and silver shine

    Shiny happy people holding hands
    Shiny happy people laughing

    Everyone around, love them, love them
    Put it in your hands, take it, take it There's no time to cry, happy, happy

    Put it in your heart
    Where tomorrow shines
    Gold and silver shine



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  76. Your writting is nothing short of powerful. Your pain is so real and so awful. I'm so so sorry that Ty died. It's all so terrible and messed up. I have no words, just sending you thoughts of calm, sanity and love.

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  77. Oh, Cindy! My heart aches reading your update. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain. Just know that I feel for you and think you are a wonderful wife and mother. I like the idea that a previous person wrote about the whole family hanging the first ornament with Ty's picture in it. I'm sending a big hug from Texas.

    Laura in Texas

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  78. Cindy, I'm so sorry. On Thanksgiving I read something that reminded me of you: The bond between a mother and child is indescribable, indestructible and irreversible.

    I believe Ty is always with you. I hope you are feeling better. Sending you prayers, hope and love.

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  79. Dear cindy && lou .. its been a while since i last wrote .. actually i think i last wrote the day aftr ty passed ..

    I miss him dearly .. && often worry about ur family .. but i still read ur blog on a daily basis .. even if u havent posted that day ..

    Im here to tell u, that pain rhat u feel, that thought that maybe cutting urself woukd subside the pain .. it doesnt .. it merely dulls it .. i kno, ive been thru it ..

    My best friend in 6th grade committed suicide .. died in my arms .. && because of that .. i sufffered post traumatic stress syndrome .. it never goes away .. the cutting .. all it does is dull the mere sensation of reality && then comes back ten times worse ..

    I still miss her .. && i still cry .. even though its been almost 9 years .. i still feel its my fault && tht will never go away .. even aftr counseling for 5 years ..


    My heart still hurts for her .. just as your heart will always hurt for ty .. gavin will one day understand .. && it will hurt him as it hurts u ..
    Be prepared for the questions .. "why didnt his medicine work? Could anyrhing else had saved him ??" Etc

    Just kno that thru those rough times .. we are all here for you .. just as god is ..

    Ty is always around u .. always will be .. hes going to continue to play with his toys and watch his mommy and daddy && gaga .. he loves yall far too much to evr just leave u ..

    Take care cindy, lou, && gavin ..

    Aiden sends his love to gavin && ty


    Forever && always

    Aiden ((3)), jr ((1)) && sofii

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  80. Cindy, all I can say is I am so, so sorry!!! I wish I could bring back ur baby ty happy and healthy. But at least I know that he is happy and healthy in heaven waiting on his mamma to come join him!! Xoxo-summer-la

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  81. When my dad passed away, I was sad thinking that he missed us and wanted to be here with us. But I read, "90 minutes in heaven". In this book, he states that while he was in heaven, he was happy..more happy then he ever was here on earth.....he felt love...more love them he ever felt here. He also didn't wanna be here and was happy to be in such a happy lovely place. You have to remember that heaven is the best place ever...no pain, no sadness, all love and peace. Ty has all that now...no pain, no saddness and even more love then he ever had here..yes, even more love then what you gave him...thats how wonderful he's feeling now. Prayers are with you always.
    Betty Warren, Beacon, NY

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  82. They say with time, things get more barable. I believe with time, comes proof of how permanent your loss really is. It doesn't get easier and will never be barable. It is, as you said, the worst kind of pain. Your pain is forever tattooed on you. Just remember, you are not alone in this. One day, you will be together again. Xo Thinking of you and your family, always.

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  83. I am so sorry for your pain. Like all the others who have posted, I wish I could take it away. I wish I could wrap you in a big hug and make you feel better. You, Lou, Ty, and Gavin are in my prayers.

    Amy

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  84. No words can ease your pain...all we can say is "we love and miss Ty too". His life has such meaning. Try and stay strong and know we are all praying for you.

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  85. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I lost my baby girl when I was 8 months pregnant, and as sick as it sounds, I thank God that I never got a chance to hear her laugh, feed her, bathe her, find out if she likes spicy foods like her mama, sit on the deck and drink lemonade with her on a warm Summer's day, etc, because if it hurts THIS BAD when I never even knew her, how in the hell would I have survived if I had? I don't know if that makes sense, but I truly believe a parent losing a child is the cruelest form of torture imaginable, I'd choose any physical pain over that...and you're living through it. You are strong. You will survive, for Gavin. I love you, Cindy!!

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    1. I'm sorry for your loss. No mother should know the pain of losing a child. I'm sure when you finally reunite w/her you will come to learn you were right about what she likes and everyday will be like a beautiful summer's day!! <3

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  87. Thinking of Ty and you and Lou and Gavin, Hoping you have found some peace in the last couple of days! Much love to you and your family!

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  88. My heart breaks for all of you. I am so sad that you lost your baby. I can't imagine and I hope I never have to. I am no where near as strong as you and would crumble! My boys are my life and they are so near in age...I would be lost without them. Ty is living on in all of you and he is happy where he is I am sure. He always finds a way to say "Hello Mommy" with the ladybugs, the bike, the falling leaves. Ty is an amazing little boy and it hurts me that he couldn't win his battle, but that is nothing in comparison to your pain. Yet, you still keep amazing me with all you do! Don't forget...you're SuperTy's Super Mommy! Love to all of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Lorrie, Lansing MI

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  89. I've never commented on your blog, but like thousands of others, I am captivated by your family. I came across your blog just a few weeks shy of Ty becoming an Angel. I was instantly mesmerized by him. His pictures were that of an Angel living here on earth. His eyes told of so many tales and his insanely beautiful face radiated that of what I would imagine a child in heaven does. I don't know that anyone who hasn't been through this could honestly know the pain and suffering, yet pure love you all have felt. But, I do know that on the day he passed, I fell to my knees in grief sobbing for the loss of an amazing child, and feeling every bit of your grief as parents. As my 2 1/2 year old son came to me and patted my back and said "you ok mommy, you dry your tears", I realized how truly lucky i was.
    My brother died in a terrible farm accident at the age of 7. I was a year younger, and although my parents had 9 other children to raise, love, and move on for. There are so many sad stories surrounding his death and many years after. My parents have always spoken about him with tears in their eyes. Last year, I was having a conversation with my mom about mortality. She is a healthy 72 yr old and she has 9 living children and 28 grandchildren, yet she said to me, "If I die tomorrow, I am at peace with that. I long, like nothing else in this life, to hold my son in my arms. To hear him laugh and see his beautiful brown eyes. All these years I have felt a hollowness in my soul". This put everything into perspective for me. I pray for peace to enter your soul, but I mourn Ty's passing every day with you. Your family has touched so many lives, and opened my eyes to the horrificness of Childhood Cancer. I will forever be a warrior for this now. You and Lou are amazing!

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    1. Your mothers words made me cry. I imagine it to be like this for so many who have lost a child. Nothing will ever take the pain away... <3

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    2. I agree! Amen to everything you said <3 <3

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    3. I never leave this blog without tears in my eyes. Not only for Cindy's pain and loss, but for the kind and thoughtful posts like this one. Thanks for sharing.

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  90. I've never commented on your blog, but like thousands of others, I am captivated by your family. I came across your blog just a few weeks shy of Ty becoming an Angel. I was instantly mesmerized by him. His pictures were that of an Angel living here on earth. His eyes told of so many tales and his insanely beautiful face radiated that of what I would imagine a child in heaven does. I don't know that anyone who hasn't been through this could honestly know the pain and suffering, yet pure love you all have felt. But, I do know that on the day he passed, I fell to my knees in grief sobbing for the loss of an amazing child, and feeling every bit of your grief as parents. As my 2 1/2 year old son came to me and patted my back and said "you ok mommy, you dry your tears", I realized how truly lucky i was.
    My brother died in a terrible farm accident at the age of 7. I was a year younger, and although my parents had 9 other children to raise, love, and move on for. There are so many sad stories surrounding his death and many years after. My parents have always spoken about him with tears in their eyes. Last year, I was having a conversation with my mom about mortality. She is a healthy 72 yr old and she has 9 living children and 28 grandchildren, yet she said to me, "If I die tomorrow, I am at peace with that. I long, like nothing else in this life, to hold my son in my arms. To hear him laugh and see his beautiful brown eyes. All these years I have felt a hollowness in my soul". This put everything into perspective for me. I pray for peace to enter your soul, but I mourn Ty's passing every day with you. Your family has touched so many lives, and opened my eyes to the horrificness of Childhood Cancer. I will forever be a warrior for this now. You and Lou are amazing!

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  91. Wrapped in the arms of angels....may you find some peace and comfort there.

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  92. My heart ACHES for you. I cry everytime I read your posts. Please take comfort in knowing I am always praying for you, Lou and Gavin!!! I know that is little consolation to not being able to hold your baby...but please know that Ty is with you and I think of you often.

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  94. Nothing will ever take your pain away Cindy, even time will only teach us how to live with it. There will be days when you will lash out on the ones you love most but that is part of your healing process as well. You are one strong lady but you also need to let your emotions out so don't ever be hard on yourself for doing this. I am sure Lou will be there for you no matter what as you will be there for him as well. I sit here and read your post all the time and I could never help but wonder where you get your strength from to carry on as even I as a grieving grandparent have crumbled many times... Still do and it's been nearly 8 months. I had more or less turned into a hermit as the outside world did not really appeal to me anymore. Everywhere I went there was reminders and I would avoid them like the plaque. I do have good days and they are starting to get more frequent. I know it will get easier but nothing will ever give us the comfort we yearn for. So please allow yourself to cry, scream, kick and do what ever else you need to heal. Your strength is amazing but remember tears are also a sign of strength not weakness... I always loved that saying "tears are the words our hearts cannot express". No wonder why I have shed so many, it's because I have never been good with words. <3

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    1. Sorry Cindy, I had to cut that short as I had to wake my daughter and grandson up for school as it's after 8am here in Aussie land...

      I meant to add I think that is probably why you appear so strong. Your words... Your writing... The way you express yourself in your writing... That is your release or part of it anyhow... Nothing will ever beat a good cry, it is always therapeutic. I only wish I was half as articulate as you are in expressing my feelings. You are one amazing woman/mother who is also human. You suffered one of life's cruelest blows. Allow yourself all the time you need to heal and don't ever put a time limit on it.

      The photo of Gavin is lovely. I love the big sofa as I can imagine Ty sitting on the other side with one of his big smiles :)

      Warm wishes of love and peace to you all.xx

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    2. So sorry for your loss and pain too Michelle xoxo

      Rita

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  95. I hope at this moment you are in a better place than a few days ago. The back and forth must be so exhausting and my heart breaks for you.
    Utterly amazing sign from Ty - his very own bicycle coming crashing down into your quiet night. Whether you remember or not, I bet you - dreamed of Ty that night, and many others....
    My youngest boy (2 years) keeps asking me where the ladybugs have gone... he saw a few this week. I think of Ty of course.... loved your post on Ladybugs and I have shared it with others.
    Much love from NJ

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  96. Cindy, I pray these last few days have been a time to cry, to pray, and to find some peace. I know there are no words that can possibly comfort you right now. We are here though Cindy, and so is Ty. If we could, we'd all jump through our screens and surround you with as much love as you could possibly stand! I hadn't read your post before heading to California with my daughter for her final soccer showcase. During the event, she took a blow to her neck and was incapacitated. We spent the weekend in the trauma unit. All I could think about was, "here I am in a hospital room with my daughter who is getting poked and prodded in an effort to find out if permanent damage exists. How many days and how many hospital visits did poor Cindy, Lou and Ty endure?" As kind as the the staff were to us both, I have never felt more helpless and useless. We were only there for a couple days but as I sat next to her during the night, I kept thinking of you and those endless days and nights you spent by Ty's side. I would have done anything to make her pain and fear go away. I kept praying that nothing was terribly wrong. When we returned home and saw your post it brought me to tears. I completely understand the agony you feel and am in awe of your talent to so genuinely articulate your feelings. You will never have to worry about anything you say here, Cindy. We all loved Ty and love you as well! Let this continue to be a forum to share your inner most thoughts and feelings. You are safe with us. We all will continue to pray for peace for your family.
    Cathy from Colorado

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  97. Cindy I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, however, this is part of the healing prosess.You really are a very strong woman and your posts just touch my heart everytime I read them, some times I even have to stop reading because I don't want to cry and sometimes I just cry.I can't imaging how hard this time of teh year is for you but believe me Ty is with you at all times and I'm sure he visited you guys, he wants to take his bike so he can finally ride it without any restrictions....the other day i had a very hard day at work and when I got in my car I turn the radio on and the best song ever was playing "look at the stars" up until this day I can't finish watching his videos because i just cry... we pray for you guys everyday and please keep doing what you are doing. God Bless you,
    Maria Savlick

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  98. loved everything you said Maria..

    Rita

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  99. It's been a few days, worried about all of you. I know what it's like to literally drown in sorrow, and the heartache was so trivial compared to what you guys are enduring, please be sure to get outside, get busy doing something when you get to lose inside yourself with sadness. xoxo

    Rita

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  100. There is no remedy for grief and my heart breaks for you and your family for all you have been forced to endure. You are entitled to feel how you feel. No one had the right to judge you. Just know that there are many people who care about you and your family a great deal. I think about all of you every day and keep all of you in my prayers, especially Ty. God bless each of you.

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  101. I have been following Ty's journey for a while now, but it is the first time I wrote. I wanted to leave a message once I read that Ty passed, but I was so upset. I prayed for Ty. I asked that Ty be cured, that Ty would be the miracle child that was so sick but was healed. I was heartbroken when that did not happen. As time passed I realized that even though Ty was not cured that he is a miracle child. That he has changed so many lives, lives across the world. Ty has taught us to love stronger and deeper. To keep a smile on our face even when we are facing challenges. He taught us to appreciate the little gifts in life like blue lollipops and the feeling of sand between our toes. We learned that we all have a little super hero inside of ourselves. Ty's legacy has just begun. He accomplished so much in 5 years. I cannot wait to see what his legacy will be like 5 years from now. I wish I could take away your pain. I will keep you, Lou and Gavin in my prayers always. Thank you for sharing Ty with us.

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  102. Good morning Campbell family. I hope you are doing well. Stay super strong. I miss you superTy.

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  103. Thinking of you.

    Pam

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  104. Cindy, so many of us are worrying about you all, not hearing from you for a while now. (on that note, do NOT feel compelled to write for the sake of "us" - you do what you have to do for YOU right now)
    I've started and stopped writing a comment here several times over the last 3 days, because there are just no right words.
    I can't know what you're going through; I can only just imagine. I can't make things right for you; I can only wish I could.
    I just want to echo so many others, and tell you again how loved and revered you all are. I think of Ty, and of all of you every single day. Throughout the day. I have 2 young children of my own, yet I don't think I ever look out the window without thinking of Ty.

    Wishing you a peaceful day. I hope you find a smile of the day of your own today, and I hope Ty sends you another sign today. xo

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  105. Don't know what to write, but I'm just thinking about how your doing. (probably a stupid question)I think about Ty and your family all the time. He was such a cute/beautiful boy and I can't even imagine what you went thru and what you continue to go thru. You just have to keep thinking, as much as you'd like to hug and kiss him, or just hold his hand, he's free from pain, hospitals, surgeries, needles, etc. Perhaps sleep with his favorite blanket and watch home movies of him and talk to him all the time. I know he hears you. He'll always hear you. xo
    Betty Warren

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  106. I have wanted to write for a month now, but what can I possibly say? All I can say while my heart breaks for you is a thousand times "I'm sorry". My oldest son is only a few weeks older than Ty, and my younger son a few month younger than Gavin. I have cried so many tears over your loss because as a mom, I can only imagine your devastation. I am angry too in asking "WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!" and can't understand why in our advancements in medicines, have we not found a cure??

    The reason I decided to write you is that I wanted to share someone with you, someone that changed my life forever. I was working at a cancer fundraiser years ago at Noelle Spa in Stamford where the staff volunteered their time and all the money raised from the services went to research since the owner Noelle had passed away from cancer. I was on the way out from my shift when I saw a line for a "spiritual reader" and since I was fighting with my husband that day I decided to sit with him and ask him about my "love life", thinking it was a little silly. I sat down across from him and he looks at me and says "I know you are here to talk about this", and he writes down the word "love", he continues "but we really need to first talk about your father". My jaw dropped and my eyes filled with tears, my father had passed away 10 years earlier from a heart attack. I was mostly shocked because I gave this man no information about myself, and he continued to tell me things that no one could ever know. I wanted to share my story with you about my angels and how they have been proven to me that they exist. You already know this, Ty is also proving this in every sign and feeling that he is sharing with you in ways that he can. Ty truly is there with you and your family and friends. If you ever get a chance to see the spiritual medium, his name is Roland Comtois. http://www.rolandcomtois.net/, he has a facebook page too. I felt like it was my responsibility to share him with you, if he can provide even the slightest bit of comfort that is all I could hope for. Roland has a radio show and books as well if you want to check him out. If you ever meet him (he tours parts of Westchester and CT frequently), you can even bring a tape recorder and you don't even have to give him any information before you meet him. He is the real deal.

    I also wanted to let you know that you and Ty have changed my life forever. Thank you for making me a better person, and above all a better mother. We played outside in the snow yesterday and jumped in the puddles for Ty. I think of him every day and pray for your family to heal. I especially think of Gavin, and then I start to cry again. All I can say is a thousand times "I'm sorry" and I am looking forward to becoming involved with your fight to cure pediatric cancer. I continue to pray for all the children who are still fighting.

    Sending all my love from CT, Melissa

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  107. I was just sitting at my desk and suddenly had a very strong urge to reach out to you and let you know I'm thinking of you. If I could give you a hug right now I would. I hope everything is ok - as ok as it can be right now. I hope you can feel all the love and support around you. I hope you realize that all this love and support for you, Lou, and Gavin is all the work of Ty. I hope in some odd way that can give you a little peace. Ty is speaking through everyone that reaches out to you, right now - family, friends, and even your cyber support.

    I'm going to continue praying for you and Ty forever. You and Ty both have changed this world for the better. I just wish it didn't have to be at such a high cost.

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  108. I wish I can give you a big hug. When I was 17 I lose my uncle, grandpa, and father within five months. I also had the urge of maybe physical pain would redirect what pain was in my heart. I was dumb enough to burn myself. and quicky realized nothing would ease that pain.
    I know nothing can compare to the loss of a child. and you are entitled to your brake down moments. I am deeply moved by your life and strength. Ty got his courage and strength from his parents.

    Gavins picture with santa is beautiful. and I love Tys chocolate coverd face
    ~*Meg*~

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  109. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this pain. I wish I could make it go away for you. Hugs

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  110. Thinking about you and Ty. Sending prayers and love.

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  111. We are all thinking of you Cindy- I hope you are alright, as we haven't heard anything for a few days :(
    I wish/hope our love and caring could reach you and your family.

    From a Kiwi family xx

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  112. My heart breaks for you. Ty held on for you as long as he could...I keep thinking about what he said to you when he saw you worrying and crying for him 'don't cry mommy, I'm ok', he is in heaven screaming those same words to you now. Please find a way to honor his request, it's causing him grief to see you so sad...

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  114. Thinking of you Cindy. You are an incredible person.

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  115. Cindy-
    My heart grows heavier and heavier each night I do not see a post from you. Please take all the time you need, but know that we are all thinking and worrying about you so. Always in my thoughts and prayers...

    Ty- Please send your Mommy a sign and visit her in her dreams very soon. She needs you now. Keeping you close to my heart always and forever, sweet boy.

    XOXO- Kylee

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    1. I feel the same. I worry when you go this long betwwen posts. Thinking of you.....julie in mn

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  116. At such a dark moment in your life I hope ..Pray God shines his light and love on you. Having never been through anything even similar to your loss, I'd imagine this is perfectly normal and probably even healthy for you. I would've thought this would have come sooner...you are human. You can have anger and pain. You are entitled to it there is no written manual on how to grieve. Just know we are all praying for you, for peace understanding, and to feel Ty's love from the other world.
    I'd just like to share how I enjoy reading of you and Lou - the team you make. Many families/couples don't survive the journey you've traveled. It's inspiring to read the understanding and love and support you give each other through it all. No matter how hard your days are. I've been told babies pick their parents, from the spiritual world. If you believe that, it's easy to see why both Ty and Gavin chose you. No one else in this world could lead the path, shine the light in the darkness the way you are. God bless.

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  117. At bed time I still stay in my son's room with him until he falls asleep - per his request (he's 5yo). The inconvenience used to bother me sometimes until one day it hit me that I'm gonna miss this when he asks me not to stay anymore -- so I happily stay. I kind of like it anyway -- I've grown to really enjoy it. It's a chance to wind down and I usually use the time to catch up on email, social media, news, and Ty's blog. I think of Ty and your family so often. As I was perusing Ty's FB page tonight my son says in a sleepy voice, "We had a yellow feast at school today." It was so out of the blue (plus I thought he may have already fallen asleep) I had to get him to repeat it. "That sounds fun. What foods?"
    "Mac and cheese, applesauce, and corn."
    "Any special occasion?"
    "No, just because. It just happened that way." And then he fell asleep.
    I thought, what a great idea-- that maybe the idea could be used somehow as part of a fundraiser and/or awareness-raiser -- a yellow (or Gold) feast for Ty.

    The sign Ty gave you with his bicycle is so awesome. He just continues to be pure Awesomeness!!

    I hope this latest wave of unimaginable pain has lifted somewhat for you and allowed you to breathe. I hope for peace and comfort for you and your family. I hope to meet you one day and to be able to be active in the fight. I hope for Ty. I hope for a cure.

    Brenda, Brewster NY

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