I call Gavin "Ty" at least 10 times a day. I know that's totally normal and I have done it since the day he was born (just like my mom calls me Theresa - and even, Billy - sometimes), but it's not normal anymore when the other child passed away. There is a severe pang in my heart every time it happens, and I have to focus on my tone of voice when I correct myself to try and sound as casual as possible - trying not to let Gavin notice the mistake.
Tonight, after our prayers, I reminded Gavin to say goodnight to Ty and to tell him how much we love and miss him.
"G'nite, Ty... I miss you... Mommy? Ty's body is in my heart."
"Yes, Ty's body is in your heart."
"Ty's toes are in my heart, too. And his leg."
<Pause. Sad tone> "Because, Ty doesn't have a body anymore..."
Oh God, that was hard to hear coming from my three-year-old. What do I say?
"That's right, Gavin, because Ty doesn't need his body anymore... He is with God now."
"YES!! YES HE DOES!" Gavin yelled. "Ty need his BAH-DEEEE!!!"
"Why, Gavin. Why are you saying that? Why does Ty need his body?"
Long pause. Gavin, who is three, answers "because he is alone.... because he is all alone wif God."
That is all I think about every day. How Ty is alone. I know he is with so many others so I guess I should rephrase that somehow, but as his mother I can't help but imagine him being alone in the sense that I am not with him, Lou is not with him, Gavin is not with him. It's just so unnatural and wrong for him to be out "there" - wherever he is - without me and without us being in the same place. He was just five years old. Even Gavin is worried about that, and I am so upset about it. I don't know how to fix that.
Sorry I don't have anything uplifting to share today. That is just the truth about today. It wasn't a very good one.
|GOOFBALLS!! Just look at these two clowns :)|