Children are said to be especially clairvoyant, and I believe it. Not Gavin. I think he is just in his own fun world, kind of oblivious to anything like that (here he is in a bag again, I posted the wrong photo earlier).
But Ty, he was very aware even before he got sick. He was so special in every way, especially spiritually. At such a tiny, young age, when there was so much in his life to be afraid of, he wasn't afraid. I believe it is because he knew his guardian angels on a more tangible level that most of us can understand. He saw them. All the time. I used to have to snap him out of his stares sometimes. They weren't blank stares - unaware of his surroundings - it was just as if something in the distance captivated him for a moment. I even see that stare in pictures sometimes, like this one. I clearly remember taking this picture. I kept calling for Ty, who was 100% aware of what was going on and what I was saying, but got caught up staring off at something else. He caught his amazing fish just moments after this picture was taken. The fish that was sent by his angels, just for him, in the middle of a hot afternoon when no fish are supposed to be caught. Look at his face and you can see that he is witnessing something magical.
Sometimes I worry that all of my stories sound desperate. Like I am the sad, lost mom just clinging on to the idea that my son is still with me. That Ty himself sent me a rainbow or a ladybug might sound unrealistic. I realize that it may sound that way... rainbows and ladybugs have always existed... but it is so important that I believe this. And I truly do believe it. And I know so many of you do, too. Believe me when I tell you that Ty is everywhere. He is the air that I breathe and the love in my heart. He is doing amazing things, even more amazing now than ever.
It will be one month tomorrow. One whole month without him. It doesn't feel that way, though. It still doesn't even feel like he died sometimes because it's still so new, then other times I am literally pulled to the floor by grief when his loss becomes so very real. Most of the time, I still feel like he is right there in my backseat everywhere I drive. I still look for him on the couch every single time I walk into the room. I still turn to the middle of my bed so I can face him when I go to sleep. His absence is so present, if you know what I mean.
I miss him so much. More than I can ever put into words. I think about him every single second of every single day. I don't need to look for things to remind me of Ty, because everything already does. Every song I hear, every store I step foot into, every toy I see on a shelf, every piece of candy, every little kid I encounter, every cloud in the sky, reminds me that he's gone. But it also reminds me that he lived. And that he was amazing. And that I am forever changed, a better person, because I was lucky enough to be his mommy.
I am writing this from the new Ty Louis Campbell Foundation office space. Today I was given a printer, some paper, pens and post-its. I brought in a bunch of Ty's best artwork and a slew of cleaning supplies. It is coming together and I know we will have this place up and running in no time. It's going to be amazing.
The Hudson Valley Knights!
The Foundation is off to an incredible start, and Ty continues to be honored in amazing ways (along with all of the littlest cancer warriors fighting childhood cancer). Yesterday we were presented with a unexpected and very generous check from the Dutchess County Legislature (thank you Bolner family!) on behalf of the Hudson Valley Knights Junior Pee Wee football team. These boys are true champions and they have been wearing gold shoelaces all season. They play football with fierce dedication and they have been playing for TY with all of their hearts. They refer to Ty as their teammate - forever. This team has touched our hearts more than any other. These boys had an incredible year, they are true champions, and last night they handed over their trophy to Lou, me and Gavin! Ty really will be a part of their team forever, and that incredible, hard-earned trophy has an amazing home at the Ty Louis Campbell Foundation :) We can't thank you guys enough.