Lou and I woke up so early to get to the studio for the radio interview on WFAN. The audio podcast hasn't been posted to the website yet, but as soon as it is I will share the link here and on Ty's Facebook. Bob Salter was a very easy going interview, he asked nice, open-ended questions and he allowed me to share my thoughts on why it is so important to raise pediatric cancer awareness. He was also very sensitive to our current situation and he allowed me an open forum to talk about Ty and what an incredible little boy he was. I was so happy to brag about him like that on-air. The interview was a half-hour long so we covered a lot of ground. I think it went well. Thanks to all of you who listened and shared your positive reviews :)
I told Bob that I would like to come back to the WFAN studio and he also promised to look into whether or not I can accompany him to a meeting attended by his radio colleagues. Hopefully I can book additional interviews on other channels. I love radio, it was such a stress-free way to interview. Lou and I both agreed that when interviewing for TV, half of your energy is spent worrying about how you look (am I blinking too much, am I sitting too stiff in this chair, should I brush the hair out of my eyes, or don't make the goofy face that gives you a double chin... don't do it!). Radio was a piece of cake, and I loved the format of the interview. Let's see if we can do more of those :)
|W-DORK! It's was very, very early in the morning :)|
Other than the morning interview, Lou and I had the rest of the day off in the city while Gavin stayed with Nana and Aunt Debi. We decided to take a nap, indulge in a delicious breakfast, and then do some shopping together which is something we haven't done in ages! The hotel didn't have hot water yet so I couldn't shower (but luckily the power was back on). I felt a little sad and ugly walking around in the fancy stores around SoHo. Then, it started again. Everywhere I turned I saw something that Ty would have loved for me to buy him. Lou and I were pointing them out to one another with a smile at first, but we also took turns choking on our words while trying to keep our grief under control. We tell one another "I miss him so much" about 100 times a day. We talk about him all the time. Today we even discussed how we felt guilty doing something so normal, like shopping in the city without being weighed down with worry, because this is something we haven't had the freedom to do since Ty was sick. Of course, we said over and over again that it is also a freedom we don't want. We want Ty back more than anything in the world. That fact made it hard to find the fun in our free time today, but we made a good effort. I'm proud of us.
Then we stopped to visit with friends and maybe get a late lunch. I saw little Eva and Theo for the first time since Ty passed away and I swear I was so happy to see them. It didn't bother me at all. What happened, though, is that I had to answer the question "where's Ty" from a totally innocent child that doesn't understand. Poor Eva, she was just wondering where he was. I hope I didn't frighten her when I burst into tears at the question and made a beeline back to the car. I felt terrible, she didn't do anything wrong. I need to think about how I might answer that kind of question from a little kid the next time. Because if you asked me "where is Ty?" I would tell you "I don't know," and I would start to cry, but I can't do that to children so I need to figure something else out. I tell Gavin that Ty is everywhere, and that he carries him in his heart - but I don't know what he really makes of all that. At a minimum, I think it is confusing. He has asked me, unprompted, "Mommy, is Ty's whole body in my heart?" "Yes, Gavin." "Even his two feet and his two legs are in my heart?" "Yes."
Today was difficult in so many ways. When we got home I had a lot of cleaning to do because we finally got power back and the house was a mess. I reorganized the candles and the flashlights in the pantry, which led me to stumble upon Ty's medicine box - just like we left it the day he died - syringes still filled with the medication we pre-filled for the week. The "life-saving" medicine that we so adamantly administered every six hours. It was hard to look at. I was shackled to that thing for so long, needing to pull it down and put it back up on the shelf about six times a day. Then, all of a sudden, I never needed it again. I just slipped it right back onto the shelf for another time.
Then I found some of the kids' artwork on the floor because the bulletin board fell. There were things that were buried under things that date back almost a year. Some that represented Ty's healthiest days at preschool, others were some projects I did with him while he was at his sickest back in March to pass time in the hospital. Seeing those things opened the floodgates to so many memories that I just couldn't think about for too long or I would fall into a hole of grief. The silver lining came when we looked at the mail. The Target Toy Book came in, and that was always the best one. Ty had been looking at the 2011 book from Target this entire year, in fact I remember thumbing through it with him for the umpteenth time just a few weeks ago. Well, look at the cover on the 2012 book. Do you see it?!? Mely pointed this out to me immediately. If you look at it the right way, it is easier to read the word "Ty's" right there in huge letters, than the word "Toys." Oh how I wanted to run over and show him how cool that is. It would have been a big huge smile of the day. It made me smile, too.
|This would have been Ty's favorite toy book of 2012|
|Missing that smile so very much|