Monday, November 5, 2012

A tough day yesterday

Good morning, all.  I wrote this late last night, but Gavin woke up before I could publish...

Lou and I woke up so early to get to the studio for the radio interview on WFAN.  The audio podcast hasn't been posted to the website yet, but as soon as it is I will share the link here and on Ty's Facebook.  Bob Salter was a very easy going interview, he asked nice, open-ended questions and he allowed me to share my thoughts on why it is so important to raise pediatric cancer awareness.  He was also very sensitive to our current situation and he allowed me an open forum to talk about Ty and what an incredible little boy he was.  I was so happy to brag about him like that on-air.  The interview was a half-hour long so we covered a lot of ground.  I think it went well.  Thanks to all of you who listened and shared your positive reviews :) 


I told Bob that I would like to come back to the WFAN studio and he also promised to look into whether or not I can accompany him to a meeting attended by his radio colleagues. Hopefully I can book additional interviews on other channels.  I love radio, it was such a stress-free way to interview.  Lou and I both agreed that when interviewing for TV, half of your energy is spent worrying about how you look (am I blinking too much, am I sitting too stiff in this chair, should I brush the hair out of my eyes, or don't make the goofy face that gives you a double chin... don't do it!).  Radio was a piece of cake, and I loved the format of the interview.  Let's see if we can do more of those :) 

W-DORK!  It's was very, very early in the morning :)

Other than the morning interview, Lou and I had the rest of the day off in the city while Gavin stayed with Nana and Aunt Debi.  We decided to take a nap, indulge in a delicious breakfast, and then do some shopping together which is something we haven't done in ages!  The hotel didn't have hot water yet so I couldn't shower (but luckily the power was back on).  I felt a little sad and ugly walking around in the fancy stores around SoHo.  Then, it started again.  Everywhere I turned I saw something that Ty would have loved for me to buy him.  Lou and I were pointing them out to one another with a smile at first, but we also took turns choking on our words while trying to keep our grief under control.  We tell one another "I miss him so much" about 100 times a day.  We talk about him all the time.  Today we even discussed how we felt guilty doing something so normal, like shopping in the city without being weighed down with worry, because this is something we haven't had the freedom to do since Ty was sick.  Of course, we said over and over again that it is also a freedom we don't want.  We want Ty back more than anything in the world.  That fact made it hard to find the fun in our free time today, but we made a good effort.  I'm proud of us.

Then we stopped to visit with friends and maybe get a late lunch.  I saw little Eva and Theo for the first time since Ty passed away and I swear I was so happy to see them.  It didn't bother me at all.  What happened, though, is that I had to answer the question "where's Ty" from a totally innocent child that doesn't understand.  Poor Eva, she was just wondering where he was.  I hope I didn't frighten her when I burst into tears at the question and made a beeline back to the car.  I felt terrible, she didn't do anything wrong.  I need to think about how I might answer that kind of question from a little kid the next time.  Because if you asked me "where is Ty?" I would tell you "I don't know," and I would start to cry, but I can't do that to children so I need to figure something else out.  I tell Gavin that Ty is everywhere, and that he carries him in his heart - but I don't know what he really makes of all that.  At a minimum, I think it is confusing.  He has asked me, unprompted, "Mommy, is Ty's whole body in my heart?"  "Yes, Gavin."  "Even his two feet and his two legs are in my heart?" "Yes."

Today was difficult in so many ways.  When we got home I had a lot of cleaning to do because we finally got power back and the house was a mess.  I reorganized the candles and the flashlights in the pantry, which led me to stumble upon Ty's medicine box - just like we left it the day he died - syringes still filled with the medication we pre-filled for the week.  The "life-saving" medicine that we so adamantly administered every six hours.  It was hard to look at.  I was shackled to that thing for so long, needing to pull it down and put it back up on the shelf about six times a day.  Then, all of a sudden, I never needed it again.  I just slipped it right back onto the shelf for another time.

Then I found some of the kids' artwork on the floor because the bulletin board fell.  There were things that were buried under things that date back almost a year.  Some that represented Ty's healthiest days at preschool, others were some projects I did with him while he was at his sickest back in March to pass time in the hospital.  Seeing those things opened the floodgates to so many memories that I just couldn't think about for too long or I would fall into a hole of grief.  The silver lining came when we looked at the mail.  The Target Toy Book came in, and that was always the best one.  Ty had been looking at the 2011 book from Target this entire year, in fact I remember thumbing through it with him for the umpteenth time just a few weeks ago.  Well, look at the cover on the 2012 book.  Do you see it?!?  Mely pointed this out to me immediately.  If you look at it the right way, it is easier to read the word "Ty's" right there in huge letters, than the word "Toys."  Oh how I wanted to run over and show him how cool that is.  It would have been a big huge smile of the day.  It made me smile, too.


This would have been Ty's favorite toy book of 2012

Ty used to have chapped lips all the time because of his medication, and he loved chapstick even as a baby. I keep finding his chapsticks all over the place. I carry them around with me, I keep one next to my bed (where it always was for him), I put them to my lips and I wear his chapstick all day long. Every time I put it on I think, "this was against his lips, too." It helps me feel closer to him, but at the same time I worry that I am rubbing off the last layer that has any part of Ty left over. It's so strange. I just want to hold onto him so badly. Now that I see it in writing it sounds so desperate, but it comforts me and that's all I can say.

Missing that smile so very much

74 comments:

  1. xo
    bridget
    ps please don't apologize for your feelings! you are beyond amazing!

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  2. The way you write is inspiring, Ty would be so proud of how strong you are.

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  3. merci de vous confie encore et encore cindy. vous etes une femme incroyable, une maman formidablement courageuse et remplie d'amour pour ses enfants. ty a eu une chance incroyable de vous avoir comme maman. maintenant c'est gavin qui profite de vous a plein temps. on peut vous appele "super maman cindy",vous l'avez plus que prouvez au cours de ses annees de guerre contre la maladie. ne vous excusez pas de vos reactions face aux autres, elles sont legitimes. ty me manque aussi vous savez, il ne se passe pas une journee sans que je pense a lui et que je parle de lui aussi. son sourire sur sa "bouille d'ange", et ses eclats de rire.... il doit enchante tout le monde la haut avec sa bonne humeur et sa joie!! et a nous il nous manque terriblement. je vais continuer a prier pour vous et votre famille chere cindy, ainsi que pour le "salut" ty. nathalie de france.

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  4. You are an amazing strong woman!
    http://johced-ourjourneytoeverywhere.blogspot.com/
    xxx

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  5. Cindy, I was sitting here at work thinking about you and Ty and crying. I have been ok but this morning I am so busy at work but all I can think of is you and ty. So I was just going to say I am thinking about you when I saw your new post.

    I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through...and still you are so amazing and strong for Ty and getting the word out on pediatric cancer. I saw the Target ad earlier this week and immediately saw "TY". I smiled when you shared it on your post.

    Mostly I pray that Ty can bring you and Lou comfort somehow. I'm glad the chapstick helps you to feel closer to him.

    I have nothing strong to say today but I am thinking and praying for you. Sending love your way.

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  6. It is completely understandable to want to hold on to him forever and NEVER LET GO!! Whether it be Chapstick, the smell in his clothes, blankets etc.. He was your baby, your first born!! YOU GRIEVE HOWEVER YOU WANT TO!!!! I pray for you for the "year of firsts" to put it plainly THEY SUCK!! It's all part of the process I guess, at least that's what " they" say.. Who are the " they" anyway LOL Be good and gentle to yourself..Always praying for you Lou, Gavin and the rest of the family..XXXXOOOO

    Gabrielle

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  7. Cyndi,
    What you write is not desperate, it's beautiful. I never even met Ty but I don't want to let his memory go either. My son picked out a Beanie Baby at the store the other day and obviously the tag said "Ty" so we decided to name it Ty Louis Campbell. He iSync hero.
    -Tiffany in AZ

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  8. I'm sending a big, virtual hug because it's all I can do and I have no words. I missed reading your stories about Ty and am happy to read you have power again.
    My son is recently into super heroes, he has taken a liking to Captain America. I shared many of your blogs with him, he is well aware of Ty...I often wonder if that's why he picked Captain America. As I watch him with his new shield, I'm reminded of your stories with Ty and I just can't imagine how you are not only feeling, but surviving.
    To be able to do what you did for him, and to go out now - radio, tv, etc. the amount of courage and strength that takes...I'd have to guess you're probably Ty's favorite super hero. We'd all do the same for our children, but I just can't even think to be in those shoes, to make those decisions. You are such an inspiration, beautiful inside and out.

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  9. Dearest Cindy,

    Your words and thoughts are so raw but so understandable. There is no way you are going to be okay for a long time and you need to know its alright. No one should ever have to feel your pain and the emptiness of losing a child, its unbearable and you and Lou are doing everything to get through your days. You will always miss your beautiful Ty and want to hold him and hug and show him all the things he loves but I pray that Ty will help comfort you along the way. My heart has broken for you and I think of you, Lou and Gavin everyday. The kids on Halloween came to my door and I see all the super hero's and I think of Ty and I just want to cry. Friends of mine keep asking me if I'm okay because Ty and your family have impacted my life tremendously and when I am with my friends I can help but bring you up and I wonder if your doing okay.

    My beliefs are that Ty is with you at all times, alaways....

    As for answering the kids, I told my children that Ty is a beautiful Super Hero Angel and is is with his Mommy , Daddy & Brother at all times and they are not able to see him but can feel him in their hearts and home and wherever they go. My little guy answered and they can look at his pictures too : ) He said if you look in the eyes in the picture you are looking in his heart (this is coming from my seven year old.

    You are a beautiful family and one that I will never forget as long as I live.

    Wendy
    CT


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  10. Morning,

    Thank you for continuing to share your courageous & heartbreaking journeys.

    Ty, is my hero & will always have a very special place in my heart. Ty's courageous & heartbreaking journey has become one of the causes of my life going forward - becoming an active voice for increased awareness of & funding for pediatric cancer research.

    The Ty Louis Campbell Foundation has become one of my favorite charities. In honor of " SuperTy " I will be making donations on a perpetual basis in Ty's memory to the Foundation.

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with you & all of your family.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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  11. Cindy: I was so glad to read your last two updates. I was worried about y'all because of the hurricane. I live near Houston, just a few miles from the water, so, unfortunately, I know all about hurricanes. I am looking forward to listening to your radio interview. You have a beautiful way of writing. I am sending all my love, prayers, and thoughts to you and Lou as you continue to grieve. I miss Ty so much. He was, indeed, my super hero.

    Laura in Texas

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  12. My personal belief is that we as souls plan what lessons we need to further our experience before coming to this earth, and Ty knowing the path he had chosen picked the most beautiful loving family he could in choosing you Cindy and Lou. Again this is just my belief. I believe the four of you as pure beautiful souls chose this long long before your journey to earth and now as this most unfathomable pain consumes you the idea that anyone would choose this must seem absurd. I believe when you are all reunited again it will be so clear. My point in all this is that Ty could have chosen any two people as parents but he chose the most gentle, beautiful, loving and selfless people he could. As many people that are in love with his beautiful little soul right now, myself included, Ty chose you and Lou. He will always be your baby, and even though you can't physically see him, he is still going to be there everyday to put the love in your coffee. Thank you for sharing this journey with us all. Love, Geraldine

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    1. Amazing post! I so agree that Ty chose the most amazing parents to share his time on Earth and Cindy has the strength to continue sharing his legacy now after his passing. Thanks Geraldine!!!

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  13. You and Ty have the exact same beautiful smile! That was the first thing I noticed in your picture.

    I have been following your story for about a month and have been thinking of you all and praying for your family every day. My heart breaks for you. I also want to thank you, since I started reading your blog, it has opened my eyes even more and reminds me everyday to be so thankful for all of the little things in life. It has reminded me to give my kids as many kisses a day that I can squeeze in and one more bedtime story at night even after I have read 3 others. Time is so precious with them. Thank you for sharing your journey with everyone.

    I am asking for money to be donated to Ty's foundation in place of a Christmas gift in our office exchange this year. I want to help in any way I can to fight for a cure. Pediatric cancer awarness and fundraising should be a priority above all cancers. It robs families of so much and no child or family should ever have to endure it.

    I will continue to pray for your family every day. Sending love your way.

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  14. I can't wait to hear the radio interview. Im sure you did awesome and this is just the beginning of your journey in bringing awareness on pediatric cancer. I know you will be do amazing things in Ty's memory and for all the other families going through the the same situation. You and your husband gave all your attention, time and.commitment to Ty and you shouldn't feel guilty of going out for a bit because you will always feel Ty's presence and see something that will remind you of him. I truly believe it's Ty himself letting you know he's with you always. Gob Bless You

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  15. That is a very special sign from Ty- the target toy catalog- wow!
    He will continue to send you messages-xo

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  16. I saw Lou the week before Halloween walking through the town of Carmel. At first I noticed a Super Ty shirt, then realized it was Lou. I wanted so badly to walk up to him and tell him how amazing you both are but decided he probably didn't want to be hugged by a sobbing girl on the street telling him how sorry I am for your loss. The way you write and put your feelings out there for all of us to read is so beautiful. Never feel bad, or worry what someone thinks as you share your rawest feelings, you are inspiring, strong, beautiful, and determined to find a cure, we need more people like you and Lou in this world! Xoxo

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  17. This is way too early, but hopefully one day you can get to this place... a place where the physical pain of losing your son has been softened somewhat by time and the feelings of depression and loss comes less frequently and for shorter durations.

    There is a song by an artist known as Amy Grant, and when I lost my father (I know, not the same thing as losing a child, by a long shot) I eventually was able to listen to this song and it would bring me back to all of the wonderful things that we shared, how he helped mold me into the person that I am today, and how he is the voice in my head when I am confronted with a problem or tragedy.

    It is called "I will remember you" and I think that it is appropriate for where you hopefully will transition. I know that you must have heard this song before, but I wanted to let you know that it is how, many years later, I think about my dad... and hopefully you will be able to think of Ty in the same way eventually:

    I will be walking one day
    Down a street far away
    And see a face in the crowd and smile
    Knowing how you made me laugh
    Hearing sweet echoes of you from the past
    I will remember you


    Look in my eyes while you're near
    Tell me what's happening here
    See that I don't want to say goodbye
    Our love is frozen in time
    I'll be your champion and you will be mine
    I will remember
    I will remember you


    Later on
    When this fire is an ember
    Later on
    When the night's not so tender
    Given time
    Though it's hard to remember darlin'
    I will be holding
    I'll still be holding to you
    I will remember you


    So many years come and gone
    And yet the memory is strong
    One word we never could learn
    Goodbye
    True love is frozen in time
    I'll be your champion and you will be mine
    I will remember you
    So please remember
    I will remember you
    I will remember you
    I will remember you
    I will remember you


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  18. I held the tears back until I saw the "Ty" catalog and then the flood gates opened. I'm sure he would have loved it, does love it. My heart aches so much for you. Sometimes I feel angry for you and others who have lost their precious children. Other times I feel sad and cry and other times I feel peaceful knowing he's looking out for you all now. It's his turn to care for you. I know no mother would ever want that, but I bet he loves having the freedom and ability to watch over you all. Hugs and tears from NC.

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  19. I seriously just love you to bits!! Sooo cool about the "TY" on the target mag. That's for you, momma!! I don't know how I'd answer the "where is Ty" question from a child, either. They are too young to understand. I would probably just say that he was "home"... Until they get older, that is. I feel for you everyday, Cindy. I love your writing. I told my friend about your blog. She cried immediately and wondered how I could read this. I just said that it has changed my way of parenting, loving and living and I have gotten so much good out of it. I miss Ty. Xo

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  20. I saw the TYs right away when I looked at it! I was super excited and sad for you all at once. I am so happy to see you back online; I have to admit I was worried. You are doing the best you can in your situation and there is nothing you can do that would make me think you are desperate or any more desperate then any of us would be in your shoes. I thought of you and Ty on Halloween every time I saw a child dressed as a super hero. Normally I wouldn't allow my daughter more then 1 piece of candy that night I let her eat a few more for Ty. I can't wait to hear you on the podcast I know you did great! My sister and I are doing our best to get the word out about Super Ty. Lots of love from Maryland!

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  21. <3 this is making me cry again.... <3

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  22. I see it! I see it too!! It is Ty's book of toys :) I know normal will never be normal again for you - no one doubts you want Ty back - but please, try not to feel guilty about having some time together. We are all worried so much about you both - how strong you've had to be for Ty, for Gavin, for friends and family - you guys need these moments together to heal for yourselves. I am so grateful you have a good support system to help out - although a majority of us do not know the pain you face every day, all anyone wants is to offer support and love and help in any way we can.

    I can't wait to hear the interview - I'm so glad Bob was nice and gave you plenty of time to talk about Ty.

    Take care - thinking of you guys always!

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  23. I wanted to tell you something a little different then most of what folks say.
    On a whole different note, I wanted to tell you that you are a striking looking woman! You and Lou are a striking looking couple. I am sure you haven't worried too much about your looks for awhile with all that you have been dealing with but wanted you to hear that you are pretty!
    I have written before about Ty this time I wanted to you write about you and Lou! Hope it brings a little smile!

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    1. Cindy is beautiful, inside and out!!! Please don't think you looked bad that morning!!!!

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  24. Cindy,
    Grief makes no sense just like many other things (cancer/children dying). You just have to grieve your way. That is the only right way. I don't know how anyone can make it better for you other than just letting you know we care about you and have loved Ty and your family so much. I am so sorry he is not here with you in you arms where he should be. I just cry every time I think of Ty. Just keep telling myself that he is free of pain and happily waiting for his family. I do believe time passes differently for him than for us left here on earth.

    I love Gavin's question is Ty's whole body even his 2 legs and 2 feet living in my heart. Such a sweet little brother. So cute and innocent. He will work it all out in time. He has an incredible family to love him through all of this.

    My 4 yr old said the other day to my 7 yr old "before when I was dead what was I doing?" my 7 yr old said you weren't dead you just weren't built. God is like a ghost he gets in the mommy's belly and builds us." My 4 yr old said that must be noisy!(lol), then went on to look up to the sky and say "Hey God what you doing up there." I thought of Ty and told my sons God is very busy loving all the people waiting for the rest of us to get to the party in heaven. Just think how much love God is giving Ty. Ty was beautifully and wonderfully made as a reflection of God. How proud of Ty and your family God must be. You have represented Gods love through your love of Ty. I just feel like your heart is so big, big enough to share Ty with all of us and that has created a miracle all alone. There has been so much love for Ty and that will never change. God Bless you. Sending more love and prayers for comfort and strength. Christine, OH

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  25. I miss Ty so much. I can't even imagine how much you and Lou miss him. I hope you find confort in knowing that so many people around the world love Ty and miss him with you. I am praying that you will see him in your dreams and get signs.from him that will help you get through the holidays. I love you Cindy, thank you for sharing Ty with us!

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  26. The toy book totally gave me a big smile too,it's perfect! Save that front page and even frame it and hang on your wall,it's another sweet reminder of your beautiful boy! Love you all!
    Marcia,CA

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  27. Cindy...another reader from afar whose heart you have touched with Ty's story. I learned about him and your family via Maya Thompson on Rockstar Ronan. I just want to say first, how very very sorry I am about Ty, and how heartbroken I am for you, Lou and Gavin. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, and I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. And also I am glad you are all safe from Sandy.

    I just wanted to say you shouldn't feel dumb or desperate about anything you write here or that you feel. You and your fmaily have had the worst possible thing happen to you and I would be clinging to anything that I could too, if I lost my child. You are not desperate. You are a mom who is now missing a piece of yourself, maybe the most important piece. Of course you should feel desperate about missing your little man. Go easy on yourself, please. And know your voice is being heard, about beautiful, sweet Ty, and childhood cancer. I'm again so incredibly sorry. I hope you can feel the love coming to you from those you know, and from those who only know you from this blog.

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  28. Cindy, I can not even speak of your blog or Ty without bursting into tears myself for a child I have never known, but, has enlightened my life as well as many others. For you to say you try to control it, try not to burst out, I can not imagine how hard that is for you and Lou. I think i would be immobolized in grief and not sure how I would ever come out of it. No time will ever make this time easier, less hurtful, but it will make you stronger. Though, I don't know how stronger you can already get. You are truly an inspiration, my inspirationa dn I read you everyday. One, I feel compelled to help you through your grief and two, it makes me keep perspective on things. It makes me love more each day. You do that. (I hope I don't sound crazy now). I just wanted to know that. I wanted you to know how your pain is still helping. How Ty is still helping. I will be posting (to Facebook) the beautiful leaves in gold that I took a picture of the other day. I hope you will see Ty in it as I did. All the trees ablaze in gold. All the trees are glimmering for you and Ty. xoxoxoxoxo Shawna, Millbrook NY

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  29. We don't know each other and I can't begin to imagine what I could possibly say that will be helpful to you. Every time I see a picture of Ty I am filled with the joy of looking at such a beautiful little boy and at the same time, sadness because his life was far too short. He has touched me and I'm sure many others in ways you will never know. I am so, so sorry for your pain. I don't think you sound at all desperate in wanting to hold onto a piece of your son. But even when the chapstick is gone, like you told Gavin, he is always in your heart (even his legs and feet!:) I think it's beautiful the way you write about Ty - he was truly a special boy and his story has touched SO many people. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Lou and Gavin....

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  30. Cindy,

    I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am to your blog. I have been working through my own grief for the past year, and this blog has helped me tremendously. I spent so much time while my loved one was sick worrying about what it would be like when I lost them, which I know sounds morbid. I have to say the hardest thing for me was how complicated my grief was. I believe this quote sums it up best "When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and the scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in the closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone". The part about the Chapstick reminded so much about how I felt, and this quote.
    You never sound desperate, you sound human. I just wanted to let you know that however you feel is okay. No one can tell you how to work through your grief. We have all lost people, but we have never lost Ty. As much as I can relate, I will NEVER understand the depths of your loss.
    I wish you some of the comfort you have brought me. If nothing else, know that you have changed people's lives. You have opened so many people's eyes and brought a face and voice to childhood cancer. I am sure many lives will better because of your courage and honesty. God bless you and your family.

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  31. Hugs and prayers and tears and smiles.... That toy book! Oh, how it made me smile see the big TY on it. That is definitely something so special.

    When I saw "desperate" in your blog post, I wanted to reach out and say "No you're not" but of course you are and THAT IS OK!! How could you NOT feel that way! I still can't believe that you find the strength for all you have done lately. You are such an inspiration! I could say that every day in every comment on every blog post.

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  32. Ty IS everywhere! You are so open to seeing him and I know he is setting up all sorts of sightings for you in the days ahead. No one should have to go through what you all have endured, I am so sorry. Please remember we are all here, to listen and support.

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  33. Kasey - Sherman CTNovember 5, 2012 at 3:04 PM

    Cindy, I look forward to hearing your interview. I admire your strength to speak out and share Ty's story, you do it so beautifully. I have never met you or your family, but I know that every time I share Ty's story with someone (I was just talking about him last night!) I can't get through it without crying. Ty has touched my heart so deeply and I am just so so sorry that he isn't here for you to hold any more. It just breaks my heart. I simply can not imagine it. As a mom myself, I must thank you and Ty. Because of Ty, I am more aware of how many times my kids smile each day and a good day is no longer determined by how many piles of laundry get folded, but how many laughs we share. I wish I didn't have to thank you for this. I wish Ty was here instead and I never even knew you existed, because then you would still have your baby. But my life, my children's lives, are changed because of Ty, and because of that he will forever be in my mind and in my heart. I thank you so much, Cindy, and I continue to pray for peace for you all.

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  34. I'm so sorry for your pain. Lots of love and best wishes.
    Irina

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  35. My heart breaks for you and your husband. My husband and I have two sons also and they are our world. The oldest now has a son of his own. There is just something about those boys!I love reading your thoughts, emotions, tears, joy, smiles, sadness and your compassion for your children. Please continue. Your family continues to have a huge impact on so many lives and we thank you for sharing! Ty WILL live forever as long as we never forget! God bless.

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  36. TY! Love the book cover, made me smile. Keep the faith.

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  37. Cindy, you may not be able to see it, but as an outsider reading into your life, it's evident that you and Lou are getting stronger and stronger post by post and that's beautiful. It especially shows where Ty earned his will to fight from! I always thought it was special to see that the initials for ''thank you" are also TY, ESPECIALLY when the world is so grateful to have shared him with you :) Lastly, I just thought I'd share with you a quick story. I've been a member of the Disney movie club for years and every month they will send you out a featured selection if you don't decline the selection by a certain date. Well last month was a busy month and it slipped my mind so when I opened the mail today there was a movie waiting. What other than the Avengers? I thought about returning it since I usually get the movies for my toddlers who aren't into super heroes yet.. But I immediately decided to keep it. It'll be a TY night for my husband and I once the kids ate asleep. Thanks for making us better parents, better people. God bless

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  38. Cindy-you are the bravest person I know. I cant even tell you how Ty's story has affected me.I have been following since August but have now read your entire blog and some entries I have committed to memory. I wish I could be a more positive person. I have an almost 3yr old daughter and a baby boy on the way! yet I have been so so sad since I read your post on Sept 17 and even more so since Ty's passing. I will be doing something so normal and all of a sudden I cant even swallow I am so sick thinking of the evils of cancer. What a beautiful boy with a beautiful soul...he found his way into my heart immediately and there he stays...a boy I never knew. I find him in everything beautiful that I see. I am trying not to let the fear, anxiety and worry rob me of enjoying the beauty that is right in front of me watching my own little one play, hearing her giggle and holding her close. I am hurting for you, Lou and Gavin...but I am inspired by you as well. I am more aware-of everything now. Thank you for sharing Ty's story, his smile your heartbreak...

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  39. You are such a sweet dear, Cindy. Oh, if only I could bring him back and take your pain away. My son and I prayed for Ty every single night after I started reading your blog, now that he's gone, we pray for you. I know Ty is okay. How I adore your family.

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  40. Wow.. Cindy all I can say is that you and your family are beautiful people, who have endured the greatest loss and yet you selflessly choose the mission to bring awareness. You are doing Gods work, and I can definitely see why. Ty was so lucky to have you!

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  41. My heart aches for you and your family. I cannot stop thinking about you and Ty. What a sweet, beautiful boy. Hearing Ty's story has made me so much more aware and patient with my three year old. Learning to not sweat the small stuff. Ty has touched my heart. I will continue to pray for your family during this difficult time.

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  42. Cindy, you are awesome. Hang in there.

    Kathy, Philadelphia

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  43. I haven't been able to write since Ty left this earth. I have tried many times but the tears take over. Posting little notes on Facebook are easier. I hope you saw the ladybug :) I was at work the other day, just doing my thing, when lady said "I like your bracelets". She was referring to my cancer warrior bracelets. I started crying right there, apologizing and explaining that Ty had passed recently. She understood completely as she personally knew the family of one of the other warrior angels whose bracelet I wear. My point is that if I find myself crying over your beautiful son, it is so completely understandable that you would find yourself breaking down at various times. I pray that the tears help to wash away some of the hurt.

    When I first saw the catalog I actually had a hard time seeing anything besides "TY'S". It took my mind several seconds to realize what it actually was. I know in my heart that Ty is getting a huge smile out of that. He always found the joy. It was just one of the things that amazed me about him.

    I can't wait to hear the interview. I am sure it was incredible. Everything that you do is incredible.

    All my love ALWAYS,

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  44. My heart breaks for you and your family. I think about your sweet Ty a lot. I have a 3 year old little girl and I hug her tighter and a little longer each time. Write whatever you feel like writing if it makes you feel better. You don't sound desperate at all, you sound like a mommy that wants her sweet baby boy back in your arms and I wish so much that you could have that again. Thank you for sharing your story and your Ty with us.

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  45. Thank you so much. Your written words are truly a gift from god. I am sooooo sorry for all that your family has gone through and are still going through. You and Ty have made me a better mother.

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  46. Bless you Cindy for sharing all of your pain and emotional grief with us week after week and being so open and honest with us. You and Lou are stronger than you feel at times and it's going to take a while to feel somewhat normal again. Little things like shopping as your finding out or dealing with "assholes" that bully you while driving are going to be super hard at first but in time it will get easier. I wish I was in back of that asshole to give him a piece of my mind and my fist. Jerk! I live in Amity Harbor so we got hit with the storm very hard too and had some flood damage. We didn't lose our cars or watch our house float away so we were blessed in our eyes. My girlfriend and her husband who live in LB lost both of their cars and are staying with their parents in Deer Park until power returns and it's safe to go back. The destruction everywhere I turn, esp on the south shore is immense and so upsetting. But like all the FB pics say we're Strong Island an we will REBUIILD! I'm so glad u didn't have any damage and are all ok.. that's the last thing you need. Now to get ready for the next fun storm on Wednesday! Mother Nature needs some vodka and a midol lol.
    I'm happy to read the 3 of you enjoyed some quality time in the great outdoors. And I vividly remember when you guys took Ty hiking and he could bring the class animal. I loved that pic then and I love it even more now.
    Halloween was dreary here too but despite the pain you were going thru you are so wonderful for staying true to ur word and giving out the best Ty candy! I know he loved that! And yes that catalogue looks just like it says Ty. That's the first thing I thought of when I saw the pic without reading what you wrote! He would be so proud! But let's not talk like he's not here anymore. His Spirit is with you everyday all day long.. and how awesome you have his chapsticks still. I'd be blasting my lips with them too! Any thing you need to do to feel close to him you do and I will be on the lookout for falling leaves :). Love the angel pic of the fire! SURREAL!!!
    Stay well, stay strong, and stay true to your heart! love u xoxo

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  47. Cindy, I just can't imagine the pain you feel. It hurts me to think Ty is not here and I never even met him. The fact that you wake up that you do things visit friends and continue to love is already more than I couldn't have done. It's impossible to understand how someone can be created so perfectly and be taken away so violently. I wish you would feel him at least in your dreams and see that he is happy and I'm sure he . We miss you Ty. I love you and your family. I hope Gavin is okay. Because I can't imagine telling one of my boys that his brother is not coming back.

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  48. A couple of days ago, you wrote about Ty's clothes and not wanting Gavin to wear them. My friend had the idea that you should have a lap blanket made with pieces of Ty's clothes and other blankets that he had. That way you could snuggle him in a way.

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  49. Cindy, I was wondering if you had thought about, or already have, T-shirt's in Ty's honor/memory/childhood cancer awareness? I would love to purchase one. My daughter is running in the lemmon run soon, and wants to wear a TY t-shirt. We love Ty, and want to do all we can to spread awareness. Let me know. Thanks.
    Kathy, Philadelphia

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  50. Love and peace to you, Lou and Gavin. My wish for you is that your pain will be bearable and you know what a terrific woman you are. The whole world misses Ty........he was a special boy......the best good boy..

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  51. Still reading, still praying for you, still remembering Ty. I am constantly amazed by your strength. I know you wish you didn't have to have it and it is probably no comfort to hear this from a stranger, but I think YOU are so amazing, just like Ty!

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  52. Wow Cindy.....you absolutly can not see the O on the catolog cover! I truly believe Ty is sending you a message! Amazing!!!!!

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  53. Ahhhhh Cindy, I'm so glad you got to do the radio show for Ty as I'm not able to hear it from Germany. I'd love to listen to the link when you can make it available. I smiled warmly thinking that you and Lou actually took some down time for you both....and even with the grief you had, you are trying...it's so normal to see your child in everything he loved, wanted to do and both of your dreams...I see it everywhere even though my only son is with me....
    It's so beautiful to see how amazing u truly are and how you share your feelings with us.....makes me feel even closer to Ty....and when I caught a glance of the toy book, before reading your entry, I said...oh they did something fr Ty...Yes!!! The book was a message!!! I believe that!!!
    All my love and prayers to a Mother of a Super hero!!! Keep on going on....Ty is proud of you!!!

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  54. After my mother passed away, I kept her hairbrush because I could still smell her on it. I kept it in a baggie in hopes that the smell would be there for a long time......and yes, it brought me comfort too.

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  55. As one of the others said, you don't sound desperate. You sound human. Like a grieving mother. I've told you this before, but my dog died four years ago and I still sleep with his t-shirt. I didn't wash it for a long time so it would smell like him. I know the loss of my dog doesn't compare to the loss of Ty, but that's my point. Four years later and I'm still sleeping with my dog's smelly t-shirt. If you want to carry Ty's chapstick around for the rest of your life, it's absolutely and positively what you should do.

    I think of Ty a lot and last night something happened that I think would make him smile. My daughter is one and a half, and had her first piece of candy. It wasn't one of those cool kinds that Ty picks like the boogers or eyeballs, but just a bite size Baby Ruth. I held on to it while she took tiny little bites and after each one she said, "MMMmmm!" She probably took 10 bites and with each one, "MMMmmm!" Knowing how much she enjoyed that piece of candy made me think of Ty and his love of candy.

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  56. Support to your beautiful family from NYC. xo

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  57. http://www.asociacionpablougarte.es/aspu/index.htm

    ´This parents also lost their child after 2 years fighting. After that they created a Fundation to get funds for an spanish doctor who investigates on a molecular level. they are very proud on how much they have done since then, and how they have spread the awareness about pediatrc cancer.They are convinced in some years there will be a cure. They always remind their child, Pablo with a big smile, and say they talk to him all the time. I think people who has gone through the same can probably help you more than any other. I hope your son finds the way to give you all comfort, as death is something so difficult to asimilate. I think we are just not made to understand it...where is Ty, where is the people who is not in this world..is too much to asume for a human mind. Think is just the place where we all belong to, and where everyone of us is going to go...so he is not alone. Lots of love

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  58. About the chapstick - that doesn't sound desperate. That sounds natural. My favorite Christmas cookies are pecan butter balls and my mom made me a batch back in 2003 just mere days before finding out her cancer was terminal. I vowed when I received them to keep them in the freezer and take one out each season to enjoy. When my mom and I make those cookies, we mix by hand, not in a mixer, not with a spoon. So her hands touched every square inch of every cookie in my freezer. I did eat one of those cookies for the first two or three years, but now I can't, I just keep them. My mom's skin cells are in there and that might be the last "touch" I ever get from her. It's been 8 years and I still hold onto that.

    I, too, have had things like the chapstick. And this was with a parent - I can't imagine it with a child.

    It doesn't sound desperate at all.

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  59. Whatever comforts you now, is what you need. You have every right to want to hold on to anything you can that keeps him close to you. How could you NOT miss holding him or touching him,he was a part of you,you had such a great,close bond. Do what you have to do to comfort yourself ou deserve it!...jean

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  60. You are so brave and beautiful. I feel the floodgates coming now and again. I took my boy for a walk the day Sandy was brewing, before the flood came and before the wind really kicked up, and all I could do was think of Ty. I dressed my son in his raincoat and boots an he carried his favorite umbrella. I felt I needed him to jump in some puddles and get some wind in his hair, asi knew we'd soon be cooped up without power and surrounded by flood water. I had such a sweet time with him bc of Ty. Bc of your sweet Ty, I am able to fund so many beautiful moments with my family. He's removed a huge layer of stress from my life. Sometimes I feel like he was in si much physical pain because he absorbed it from the thousands of people he helped, like me. And I'm sorry for that. I miss you Ty. And thank you.

    Christina, from Hoboken

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  61. It's weird but that is the first thing I thought about when I read the article in the journal news about Ty. I thought immediately how would my son feel if he went to heaven. I thought of how terrified he would be without us. But you have to believe he is being comforted in heaven. All near death experiences state the same thing. No one ever says they were scared of dying. I also believe your family story has and continues to touch so many souls, that he is bound to find someone who knows and cares about him.

    Mahopac Father

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  62. LOVE "TYs" Toy catalog. Just wow. There are no coincidences in life, you have to believe, even if it's hard to; and I know that you believe. Just like the soaring hawk cloud, the upside down rainbow, and TY in the sky. They are all signs, I believe in all of them.

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  63. Dear Cindy, you are amazing! I love your words in the radio interview. I am still reading all your blog. I am so touched. I hope you and your family are going ahead (sure!) We will jump in puddles for you, and we will think about you every time!. from Barcelona, Spain. Love

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  64. Cindy
    You handled your interview with such grace. At first I thought it must be Ty moving through you and continuing his work, but on reflection I think the fight and humor Ty had was you and Lou moving through him. So it's all one energy, one love, one amazing family. You inspire me to be a better mom each day. I'm rather human so it doesn't always work. We'll make mess this weekend with the kids, puddles, paint, etc. and think of Ty.

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  65. I don't know if you have thought about this idea but if Ty's artwork is small enough to scan into the computer, you can use places like shutterfly to make those photo books of them, and of course have them saved to the computer. Cause I know after time sometimes paper fades or gets ruined. Just an idea. I loved your interview. You and your family are an inspiration. I mentioned it on Facebook, but if you have a chance to read the book "Angel Unaware" that my Grandmother wrote, I would hope that it could comfort you during this time. Take care.

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  66. I just want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. I have a 7yr old (boy) and a 6yr old (girl) My son is very strong willed. We have our tiffs every day. He wants to argue with me till he gets his way. I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I got the target toy catalog this past Sunday and saw the large TY. Ty would have loved it. How can I get those gold bracelets for $2? Always in my prayers.....

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  67. Oh my goodness as I was scrolling down I seen that right off the bat when the book came into focus, I didn't catch the "s" at that time but I def. seen the TY! Love that!!

    ~always in my thought & prayers..
    ~Michelle Hughes, North Ga.

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  68. Read this today and thought you might like to read it

    NEED WASHING?
    A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in WalMart. She must have
    been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired image of innocence. It was
    pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain
    gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow
    down the spout.

    We all stood there, under the awning, just outside the door of the
    WalMart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature
    messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got
    lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and
    dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a
    child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my
    day.

    Her little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were
    all caught in.

    ''Mom let's run through the rain,'' She said. '

    'What?'' Mom asked.

    ''Let's run through the rain!'' She repeated.

    ''No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,'' Mom replied.

    This young child waited a minute and repeated:

    ''Mom, let's run through the rain.''

    ''We'll get soaked if we do,'' Mom said.

    ''No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,'' the
    young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

    ''This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?''

    'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer,
    you said, ''If God can get us through this, He can get us through
    anything! ''

    The entire crowd stopped dead silent.. I swear you couldn't hear
    anything but the rain.. We all stood silently. No one left. Mom paused
    and thought for a moment about what she would say.

    Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might
    even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a
    young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that
    it will bloom into faith.

    ‘'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD
    let's us get wet, well maybe we just need washing,’' Mom said.

    Then off they ran.

    We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the
    cars and yes, through the puddles. They got soaked. They were followed
    by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their
    cars. And yes, I did too. I ran, I got wet. I needed washing.

    Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they
    can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no
    one can ever take away your precious memories. So, don't forget to
    make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

    To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under
    heaven. I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

    They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
    appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget
    them.
    too.

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