Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Can I keep him? Please?

I recently began spending my sleepless nights in Ty's room, which is where I am right now.  The totally cute room that he never used.  It has a Captain America theme with an adjustable bed (a hospital bed, but you would never know) and an adorable piece of red furniture that is basically a set of shelves to display all of his cool stuff.  The walls, of course, are blue.  So is his comforter.  When we moved his room back upstairs a few months ago, Lou and I truly believed he would soon be strong enough to turn over in bed and we planned to begin making his transition from our bed into his own room after two long years. 

There are a number of Captain America posters sitting on top of his shelves.  We never did get them framed since we bought them on Ebay.  I am so torn over what we should do because Ty's room is incomplete without framing and hanging the posters.  Should we finish it up the way we planned?  It's all so surreal just thinking about it.  I swear, sometimes I don't believe that this is really happening.  That any of this really happened to me... to us...

I'm so happy now that Ty is in my bed instead of sleeping in his own room.  I'm happy that we will snuggle tonight and all morning.  He is the greatest little boy to sleep next to depsite his garbled breathing as of late.  Unlike Gavin (who moves around like crazy) Ty just wants to wrap his arms tight around my neck and fall asleep.  He stays in that hugging position all night long.  It's the best feeling in the world.

Last night, as I sat in this same "captain america" bed, I cried to God for what might have been hours.  It was more of a stream of consciousness one-way conversation that involved all of my jumbled thoughts being spilled out onto the floor.   I debated a lot over the philosophy of, "it is better than to have loved and lost, then to never have loved before."  While I agree with that, I also struggle with how painful the "lost" part of it is.  My life would be incomplete without ever knowing how much love I was capable of had I never become a mother.  My heart was opened to a world of unknown depths and untouchable beauty at the very moment I first saw my Ty.  But to know that he will soon be ripped from my clenched arms, I will be left with a sea of darkness that has even greater depths into the unknown - it's horrifying.  Unimaginable pain and loss awaits me.  And you would think watching him suffer was the most cruel and unusual punishment imaginable... wait until I am looking for him in the bed next to me and realize he is gone.  How am I ever going to be normal again?  How am I going to survive losing the love of my life. 

So many of you have shared your own heartache and words of wisdom over the past few weeks.  I know you are right and I find so much comfort in your advice and encouragement.  Thank you.  I know I will get through this, I am just so scared of how incredibly lost and sad I am going to be. 

I thanked God over and over again for my gift, my Ty, my miracle.  For the best five years of my life.  Never in the life that awaits me will I experience more love than I have been blessed with in the years I have been Ty's mommy.  I try to be strong in prayer.  To limit my thoughts to being gracious and thankful.  Still, in the end I just found myself weeping and begging over and over again, "can I keep him?  Please?"  Like a child begging to keep the puppy that followed him home from school. 

Ty had a terrible day today.  We are worried about him because he is sleeping a tremendous amount which is very out of the ordinary.  Over the past two years, even during his toughest treatments, Ty rarely falls asleep during the day.  Today he fell asleep about an hour before his nurse came at 1PM.  We agreed it was a much needed nap and when she checked his vitals they were perfectly normal.  However, Ty proceeded to sleep for another six hours!  Then he was up for about 3 hours and now he is back in bed for the night.  This is very scary because it is so unlike him.  As much as I appreciate how good it must feel for him to finally rest, and how much quiet time we had around the house, I am worried that he will remain like this when I so desperately want to interact with him.  In fact, I think this is the first 24 hours that we couldn't even get a smile out of him in months. 

So, instead of sharing Ty's smile, I will share a photo of Gavin that will hopefully make you smile.  Always completely oblivious to what's going on with Ty... here is Gavin dressed like Wolverine and insisting he can wear his costume to school.  He is such a fun little boy.   God bless him.



I don't have the energy to write much more tonight.  A warm pair of arms await me next door.  But I just want to say "thank you" before signing off.  For all of the comments and messages I've received.  And, for the amazing gifts that have been delivered to our doorstep.  And, finally, for the delicious food that we have been enjoying from our friends and neighbors.  We are forever grateful. Much love to all of you from Ty and the rest of the Campbell family. 

89 comments:

  1. Prayers and love to Ty and all the Campbell family. Holding on to hope for you all

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  2. Cindy & Lou,

    You do not want your child to leave you, of course you want him to stay! You in no way sound like a child, you are a mother who does not want to lose her child. I am a mother who does not want you to lose your child! My god, this is so difficult, I can not imagine. I can not imagine going through what you guys are going through. My heart breaks for you and I think of you all day long.

    Frame the posters and hang them up. Not sure that is the best advice, but it is what I would do. . .

    Thinking of you guys and praying to God in breaks of screaming why to God.

    Love you Campbell Family

    Joy Marielle
    Baltimore, MD

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    1. P.S. I cannot forget to tell you that yes, Gavin did make me smile like always! Kiss Ty for all of us and get some rest. I promise you we are all praying while you sleep!

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  3. Your courage, strength and determination are truly awe inspiring. Ty is unquestionably a remarkable boy. When I read your updates, I simply want to press my cheek against his and absorb all of his pain and discomfort forever. Sending you my deepest thoughts and prayers.

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  4. Praying so hard with you. Thanks for keeping us all posted. I think about Ty and your family constantly. You are one strong mommy that truly inspires me! love and prayers from S. Carolina- Brenda.

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  5. Prayers, prayers, prayers for all of you. I would say stay strong, but why? You are going through so much. Love to you, your family and esp Ty. Hold tight to each other like never before. Hugs.

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  6. Dear God

    Pleaseto bring thea Cambell family peace in the form of Ty's recovery or please dear god take away his suffering.
    The Lord is my it shepherd I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

    Yea,though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff,they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

    Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
    Please dear god comfort his parents and brother. Give them strength

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  7. My heart is breaking for you. I have followed your blog for about a year, but have never commented because I don't know what to say to help you. I don't think anything I say can help, but I wanted you to know that there are people out here who pray for you and cry for you. This should not happen to any child. Ty has an amazing spirit and so do you. I will keep praying for a miracle.

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  8. God has surely blessed you with Ty! What an amazing little boy, that has gone through so much more than he should! You have every right to be angry, scared and sad! No mother should ever go through what you are! God doesn't want him to suffer and heaven will be a brighter place when Ty reaches it! I will pray for comfort and peace for all of you!

    Lisa

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  9. I find myself checking your blog several times through out the day. Always afraid of what I will find. I can't even imagine what you are going through. You are a strong woman and your faith,friends and family will see you through.Ty will always be with you and I promise one day you will be able to think of him and not be sad. You will miss him always but the memories you made will always be with you.Alhough I have never lost a child I have lost a niece at the tender age of three months and my daughters boyfriend at 23. I am forever changed having held them both at the end.You will go on, we all do. And one day you will realize that the pain has been partly replaced by wonderful and cherished memories and you will smile. God bless you all. Connie Domangue, Louisiana

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  10. Father God Please, PLEASE don't take this child!! In Jesus Christ Name I pray.


    ~Michelle, North Ga.

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  11. What amazing parents you are to be able to maintain a home happy enough for such a big smile during such a difficult time! It must be because they're so much love within those walls.

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  12. All I can do is cry right now but I wanted to drop a note so you know I am here.

    Love,
    C

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  13. Thinking of you guys all day long. The petting zoo pictures were so precious. Wishing you more joyful moments like that.

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  14. O Mama, I grieve with you, I've been in this place, there are no words..but I will share with you, the journey I have walked on. Our God is giving you, moments, hours, days,seconds..there is no measure of *time, it stops in these special moments you share with him, they are yours, that nothing or no one can take them away, from you or him.You gave him life, he has the best..@ that's you, @ you have the best part of him, a gift from God..I have never made a comment, but have stand in agreement with your family's prayers @ will continue to ask God for he's Will be 1st, but as a Mother, I pray for a Miracle..nothing is to big for Our Father!Your journal, still has pages, words to be written..Gods word says " when 2 or more, are gathered in My Name, I AM THERE"!, I pray for he's peace that passes our understanding abides in your home @ family. And if the time comes, that the inner child in you, will be held by our Father In Heaven..

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    1. In Jesus Name, Amen.

      Michelle, North Ga.

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  15. You have Gavin! He or no one else will replace Ty but Gavin will be your reason to live & keep you strong!
    I remember when my brother passed in 1994 to cancer, he was 19 & diagnosed at 17. Since he was a minor when first diagnosed his treatment was at NYU at the children's cancer center & it was heartbreaking seeing babies, toddlers all ages battling this horrible disease!!! 3 mths before he passed NYU had no more chemo options for him however, NIH in Maryland which is the cancer institute in Bethesda, Maryland took him in to try new chemos that were not out on the market. Basically a guinea pig but my mom was willing to try anything & everything like you!!
    Why don't you contact NIH ??? A thought that came to mind!!! You can also contact the Children's Inn in Bethesda they provide free room & board, transportation to & from the airport, free airline tickets. Trust me the airline makes accommodations!!! Talk to them about Ty, you never know.....
    My point was after my brother passed, my mom wasn't the same, she didn't smile the same, would feel guilty laughing too loud, holidays were extremely difficult since he passed Dec 1st. One day she said I still have you, you need me although a part of me wants to die. She never forgot, just like you won't either. Each day the pain gets a bit easier because God gives you the peace & strength you'll need to live.
    Like I've told you before my brother, mother & father all passed due to cancer. Like you I would beg God pleading to let them live. At times wondering if he was listening! Questions that we have asking why & never getting an answer. Yet I would also beg for strength to get through it, I still wonder how I did it. Without God I think I would've given up it was 16 straight years taking care of 1 or at times 2 of my family members.
    I ask God, beg him to give you the strength, Lou too that you need now & what's ahead. God bless!!!

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  16. May God help you through this difficult time. Keeping the four of you in my prayers all day.

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  17. My heart is with you..your words are a cry of a love only a mother could ever understand...

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  18. I pray for your continued strength. You all are an inspiration on so many levels......

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  19. I pray for your continued strength. You all are an inspiration on so many levels......

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  20. I hope you let him wear the costume to school! What a wonderful little guy to have around, keeping things fun! Should you get swept into that sea of despair you mention, I believe Gavin is the life raft that's been sent to you, to keep you afloat.

    I'm still keeping my "Ty candle" lit every day, and still praying for another miracle, and so are SO many other people... I have dozens of friends alone who are following your story, even if they don't comment on here. There are THOUSANDS of us out here; maybe more - all pulling for Ty, pulling for YOU, and Gavin, and Lou. Your pain is unimaginable, but hopefully with so many of us sharing it, it is eased just the tiniest bit... that we can shoulder your burden, just a tiny bit for you.

    God Bless you, God Bless Ty. I pray that you have a better day today.

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  21. DELL, donates $1 EVERYTIME this video is viewed..TRUE STORY...had to share with everyone.


    http://www.causes.com/causes/789392-powering-the-possible/actions/1672930

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  22. Cindy, as long as you are on earth, Ty is alive in you. You lived for 10 months with him attached to you and alive with you. there are surely parts of him that are alive and will always will be inside you. You, Ty, and Gavin will forever and always be alive within you. God and biology together made sure that mother and children will never truly be without each other.

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  23. Peace to you and your family dear Cindy. You are such a beautiful person and to read of this pain that you all are experiencing is breaking many of our hearts. What will be will be. I pray that the paths of your lives will be filled with love and acceptance. There are no words of wisdom that will comfort you but know that you are in my thoughts and heart and I will pray for you to accept and find peace in all that you have done for Ty and he for you. Gavin is not oblivious but he is trying to keep things happy for you and Lou. He is an integral part of your family and will be your life preserver as someone mentioned earlier. Nothing and and no one can ever replace the special presence of one being here on earth. But life does go on everyday and you all must take one day,minute at a time and be as lovingly patient with one another. Strength will come but it won't be easy. No matter what I hope that all roads will lead you to peace.

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  24. Cindy & Lou,
    As always I come into work in the morning and read your post. I sit in my office tears strolling down my face. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I am truly heartbroken for all of your family. I pray every night for a miracle for Ty. He is such a cute little boy. I too have a 4 yr old and how can they not be the loves of our lives, right!! Because of Ty, I don't sweat the small stuff anymore! I am a better mom because of you and for that i thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have never commented before and could probably ramble on and on. Just know there are thousands upon thousands of people reading your blog and we are all hoping and praying for a miracle.

    Greensburg, PA

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  25. soak in those moments, with his arms around your neck, with his nose next to yours, breath in his breaths. I cherish those moments I had with tanner. And Hang those posters. Tanner also slept with us... i had thomas the train wall stickers that I was going to put up when we painted his room and he got better. I put them up anyway, and I'm glad he did, b/c he did go in his room with us, and they made him smile. Always, always, always go with your heart and your gut... you are so strong, and it is so unfair, and you have no idea how much Andrew and I are thinking of you and lou and ty and gavin every single minute. sending you so much love. xoxoxoxo

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  26. Cindy- you will get through this because you have to. You have Gavin, Lou, and wonderful, loving extended family and friends who need you. I know it's hard to imagine now, but you will take it one day at a time. You will cry, and scream, and grieve for your little boy. But one day you will smile again. It will NEVER be okay that Ty has suffered, but you will find reasons to be grateful again.

    There is so much help out there if you want it. Unfortunately the world is full of parents who have lost children. Maybe some of them will become your friends. They won't replace the loving ones you've already got, but they will understand what you have been through like nobody else can. Unfortunately you already have cousins that share your pain.

    The night my sister died Phil and I arrived at my parent's house. My mom came running out of the house screaming "We're going to get through this". Even in her complete hysterics, she assured us that we would go on living. And she was right. We are changed forever, and we still miss her like crazy. But the people who leave us would want us to go on and see all the beauty in this world.

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  27. Cindy,
    Prayers too all of you!! I think you should frame the pictures! Although you feel like your losing time while Ty slept so long today he could be resting up getting strength for another miracle! He is so strong kiss and hug him!! I wonder if you know about reiki healing you might want to have a reiki master come to Ty I've seen some amazing things happen after reiki healing sessions. Prayers and healing to all of you xoxo

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  28. Cindy
    I have no words today except soak up every second. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I'm just so heart broken for all of you. I just can't seem to make any sense of it today. It is so unfair. I'm thinking of you guys constantly and wishing there was something that I could do to help. Still praying for a miracle. Hope, prayers and love coming your way
    Michelle
    Soak in every second of those arms wrapped around you

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  29. I have no profound statements to make and no words of wisdom to share. But I pray for you and your family every day. You are constantly in my thoughts. You are all amazing people.

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  30. I have to admit I was scared to click on the blog this morning. Even though it's the first one that I MUST read every day. So thankful that Ty is still here and you still have that warm snuggly body to love. I try to put myself in your position and I believe I would have written everything that you posted, word for word. There is no better gift than a child and as a mother there is nothing worse than losing that child. He is part of every single space in your home, everywhere is a reminder of him, even if it really isn't. You know what I mean? Even if he touched something ONCE, you are gonna remember it forever. I guess I don't have any comforting words for you, but just knowing out of everyone in the entire universe YOU were the lucky one chosen to be his mama and the love you have for him is huge, but I'm sure the love he has for you is even greater!! Peace and comfort to your family.

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  31. Love and prayers for all of you <3. Super Ty forever <3

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  32. I hope today will be a better day for him and that you will be able to spend time with him. Maybe he just needed a day of rest and today you'll see more of his beautiful smiles. My heart breaks for you every minute. Sending prayers for Ty.
    Jennifer

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  33. I love Ty and pray for all of you all throughout the day. I am begging God for a miracle... but only He knows the way the story goes and all things are for His glory. I have no words for you. Just know that you are loved.

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  34. Oh there is nothing better then the hugs and snuggles of a little boy. My own son was curled up next to me this morning - arms wrapped tight around my neck and I heard him whisper "I love you." If I could bottle that moment and hold on to it forever...

    I wish I could say something magical that could make all your pain go away - I really do. You guys just don't deserve this - I am so sorry. I can continue to pray daily for a miracle that would make Ty whole and healthy again. I can't bring myself to pray for anything else. Hugs to you, Lou, Gavin and Ty. You guys are in my thoughts constantly - as are your families. SuperTy always.

    Love Gavin - bless him for being a little boy and enjoying the world in only the way a little boy can :)

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  35. Your words rip through my heart as tears stream down my face. The daily struggles that you all go through is beyond my comprehension. I cannot thank you enough for continuing to find time and strength to write these updates. As emotionally drained you are that you can still make sure to update us shows how truly incredible you are. It is no wonder that Ty is as amazing as he is with parents like you to guide him on his journey.

    The love I have for your precious son consumes me. I find myself in tears at work as I talk about him and share his story. My twins are continually asking me "how is Ty today?" They have autism and are not "supposed" to be able to understand things like this but they do. My love for Ty is even apparent to them. I have a picture of Ty as my wallpaper so that I can always see his beautiful face smiling at me. I don't think I will ever be able to change it unless, of course, it is with another photo of SuperTy!

    My prayers for a miracle continue, will never stop. Even if his time here on earth ends I believe Ty will get his miracle in heaven with our Lord. He will , once again, be able to run and jump in puddles, swing on his swing set and laugh out loud as any child should be able to do. I pray for peace and comfort for you and Lou and Gavin.

    All my love ALWAYS!!!!
    Elaine Hinkle

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  36. I have been following your family daily and my heart is shattered. While I have 2 SWEET boys, like you and Lou, I feel compelled to tell you that I fall to pieces with heartbreak and worry for ALL of you every single time I read. And yet, I feel awful for saying that, because especially as a mom, I should be strong to support you. So here in lies another example of how you have every God given right to go back and forth on how you feel!!!!
    Your strength & courage are ROCK solid, even though I'm sure they feel as if they waiver. You are SO STRONG! The world is a better place because of both of you and your boys!! They don't just happen. It's because of you & Lou.
    So happy Mely gets to stay!!! What a blessing.
    You will find what works for you afterward. If you keep that backpack full of toys, so be it. Only you will have the answers and the timeframes.
    You are an amazing MOMMY!!! Ty is so blessed with you as his angel. I believe that he will forever be yours!!!!
    Gavin is awesome too!! I feel how torn you are. I can't even imagine. I do remember being in those shoes. When my 2nd son was born he was extremely premature & hospitalized for quite some time. It does strain you. But kids are resilient!!!!!
    As I type this, I know there is REALLY nothing I can say to help. I feel every morsel of your pain in every cell of your body and yet, I know I don't, I can't even begin to. Please know my family has been praying for yours each & every day.
    I pray to God when I click on the blog, that Ty is still with us & there is a miracle and he is feeling a bit better. And then I worry for him and for you & Lou about what he is going through. What you are going through. This is what makes us human.
    As you & many others have said, Ty has changed the life of so many people in such a short time. Focus on that. Remember there is no RIGHT or WRONG right now. This is not a time to question yourself. Continue to follow your gut, your soul, your heart.
    Control what you can control. Let everything else go. Kiss, smell, breathe, hug, stare at, love on that sweet little boy of yours.
    I know now......it's the little things..... I see Ty in the clouds & leaves, in the grass and in the flowers, in bath time and in all things
    SUPERHERO -for that is what he is the essence of- one who posses extraordinary power and strength (who could survive what he has), dedicated to protecting good (and his smiles prevail) and fighting the villains or evil. (this dreadful, horrific disease)
    We love you Spiderman!!! From one house full of Superhero's to another!!! Thumbs up to Wolverine too!!!! (0:
    God Bless all of you and may He hold you in the palm of his hands. We are all here begging for strength right beside you.
    I don't even know you, but I am sending the tightest MOMMY hug your way!!!!
    Peace and Love,
    Diane

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  37. Thank God for Gavin! He will be your little savior...he will get you up, make you laugh and keep you going each day, in spite of your enormous lose and pain. Let him wear his costume to school...mine did and it still makes me laugh. It scares me every time I look check your blog, but I know Ty is in the best place he could be right now...at home and in his parents arms...dreaming of chasing rainbows & jumping in puddles.

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  38. thank you for being able to write and share your beautiful boy with all of us.... you are so strong. even though you probably dont feel that way. i wish i could take away the pain... i wish this wasnt happening to you all. i pray for all of you every single day. theres nothing more i can say,but please know another prayer is being sent your way.....hugs.

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  39. Lou and Cindy

    we all know that you don't want to lose your child. it is such a hard time for you right now and for the past few years. I just want to let you know that I cry for you and Ty and the rest of you family. Gavin made me smile and it was great because I was about to cry after reading your blog. I hope you know that all of my friends are praying for your family. I honestly have no idea what Ty has ever done to deserve this... I honestly have no idea what ANYONE has ever. done to deserve it. God does some weird things. but u need to know that he will still be with you no matter what.


    with so much love and so many prayers

    Ali pope and the rest of the pope and harman and fossatti families!!!

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  40. CIndy-
    One more thought...follow your heart in all your decisions. You have always been spot on. But you don't have to make any decisions on Ty's room, posters, clothes, etc. yet. Give yourself time & space...you will figure it out. You may want to save some things for Gavin so he has some "hand me downs" from his big brother. You will know when the time comes. Stay strong. Your family is so loved by so many. And God will guide you through this...you & Lou will survive. Remember you have the arms of a thousand friends and family surrounding you...always.

    xxxxooo Kathleen

    (Wohoo! My goggle account is working after all these months!)

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  41. Cindy -

    I am so truly sorry for everything your family is going through. I wish I could take away some of your pain. I wish I could shoulder some of the hurt (and we don't even know each other personally). I wish there was something I could do or say that would bring even a measure of comfort to you, Lou, Ty and Gavin. Words are just not adequate though. So, all I'll say is that I am sending out every loving vibe to you that I can. I pray for all of you daily. Maybe God be with you and may you feel his presence surrounding Ty. Much love.

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  42. Prayers to you all. Take one day at a time. You are an amazing mom, Ty is an awesome child. You all have gone above and beyond for him, you've have done everything possible to fight. Always know that in your heart. Think about today with him. Try not to go to without. It will just be too hard.
    I read your blog and always am so touched, your honesty, feelings, your posts are so amazing, beautiful and sad. No one ever should have such pain. Ty and this experience will always be with you. There is no right way or wrong way to do this. It will be your Cindy and Lou way. Thinking of you all.
    another friend from Mahopac. I knew Lou in HS, Debi, and Rich. Prayers to you all xoxoxox

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  43. Still praying for you and your precious little boy. Enjoy the snuggles and continue to hold him close and love him. I'm so glad to see an update on Gavin. I know he isn't too aware of what is happening to his brother but I continue to pray for him as well as Ty. Keep the faith.

    Allie

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  44. What an amazing blessing your beautiful Ty is!!! Being a mother myself, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I have only heard about and starting reading about Ty 2 weeks ago, but how your little boy has touched my heart. You write from your heart and that says so much about the person you must be. To be going through the unimaginable and have so much perserverance to keep going is unbelievable. Ty has changed many peoples lives forever, including mine. As my mother once told me when she was battling cancer, Trust the decisions you make in life. Trust that you are making them for a reason that makes sense to you.
    You, Cindy, have done so much and given so much to your wonderful sons. Trust that you will continue to make the right decisions for you, your husband, Gavin and of course, Ty.
    God Bless your family. May He keep you all together for as long as possible to give you time to make more beautiful memories. May you and your family find strength to make it through each day and the many hard days to come.

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  45. Cindy
    Jen and I think of you every day. You and your family are in our prayers. You and Ty are so strong! Just from the years I knew you at Marist you were always smiling and looking at the bright side of everything. I am not surpised in your strength and attitude now. You are your family are an inspiration. Keep snuggling and God Bless.

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  46. Cindy & Lou,
    First and foremost I am praying for a miracle that little Ty will be completely healed. Second I pray for you, Lou & Gavin for strength and comfort. I hope you do find comfort & strenth from all of us that have made you part of our lives. I am so afraid I will say the wrong thing and I do not want to add any more pain just add love. Many of us being mommies ourselves find this so painful because it hits so close to home. We are all so scared that this could happen to our own child. Cancer has touched just about everyone but when it comes to a child it is just too horrible to imagine. Our children are all so precious. The love I have for my 4 children is uncondional and beyond this world just like you and Ty. Those loving ties should never be broken. You were meant to have Ty here with you for many many years. This is why I think we all have fallen in love with little Ty. We relate to him the same as we would with our own children. The love between a Mom or Dad and their child is like no other love.

    You have a gift with your words, not to mention the gift of being an awesome mommy. You words & feelings pull us in to where we can feel every emotion. I cannot read your post without crying, keeping my thoughts & prayers on Ty all day. My thoughts keep going back to the question what can I do? My answer is nothing but pray and ask others to do the same. Ty is in God's hands. Again, when you feel you don't have the strength to go on I hope you feel the love, prayers supporting you. God Bless you & your family. God Bless Ty's little body & soul. He is beautiful inside & out created in the image of God. He is precious. Love from one mommy to another ♥ ~Christine, OH

    This quote is especially for you Cindy.
    Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

    Becoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate. - Charlotte Gray





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  47. I have followed you blog for awhile now....I have lost someone very close to cancer myself, it's ugly!! My only advice to you is to plant that tree, hang those posters....the guilt I had from the things that seem so pointless and what if....riddled me when they were gone, seems strange but imagine the last smile from the tree or posters....just do it!!! I have no words to offer because the grief you experience is your own....trust God!!!

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  48. Dear Campbell Family, As most people are responding...I am weeping for you all. I strive to be a better mother like you are Cindy. My son who is almost 4 has many times come to me and just wanted some lovin and I have answered " in a minute...im doing something" I am sorry Cindy for responding to my son that way. You might never hear those words from your Ty again and I am taking them forgranted. Your son(s) are BEAUTIFUL! They are lucky to have both as parents. I have told my Sebastian all about your Ty. He prayes for him and says he loves him and hopes he doesn't hurt.
    Much love to your family and thank you for sharing your story and god bless your family. Thank you Cindy for making me a better mother.

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  49. Dear Campbell Family, As most people are responding...I am weeping for you all. I strive to be a better mother like you are Cindy. My son who is almost 4 has many times come to me and just wanted some lovin and I have answered " in a minute...im doing something" I am sorry Cindy for responding to my son that way. You might never hear those words from your Ty again and I am taking them forgranted. Your son(s) are BEAUTIFUL! They are lucky to have both as parents. I have told my Sebastian all about your Ty. He prayes for him and says he loves him and hopes he doesn't hurt.
    Much love to your family and thank you for sharing your story and god bless your family. Thank you Cindy for making me a better mother.

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  50. Every night I pray for Ty and his family.

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  51. I agree with someone else's comment. Hang the posters, plant the tree... Do anything you think he might like. You don't want later on think of the things that you could have done.
    I am always thinking and praying for you guys.
    Much love,
    Taciani

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  52. There are no words to explain the way you feel. You are a fabulous mother. You and Lou have never given up, that has what has given Ty 5 years.

    As a mother who buried her child, I can tell you that the pain doesn't go away it just makes you live your life differently. Just know that you did everything you could do for him. The most important thing you have and are doing is loving him. And it is without a doubt how obvious he loves you. Gavin, as small as he is, will give you strength and courage you didn't even know you had.

    We all get caught up in life and forget to remember what is most important. Your blog and ability to share your thoughts remind all of us how important it is to appreciate the little things in life.

    Much love and prayers today and always!

    Liz

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  53. Cindy,

    I have been following your blog for about two years now, and have been keeping your family tight in my heart ever since. This wicked disease makes me angry, and especially angry at what your little Ty and your family have had to endure.

    I lost my mother to cancer (home hospice) three years ago, the day before my son was born. I am so sorry and completely heartbroken that you and Lou are going through this process with a child--I have no words.

    What I can offer is that I have felt my mother in ways that I never experienced before her passing. A friend told me to "look for the signs." My experience has been that I don't need to look; they are there.

    Much love and prayers to you all.

    Barb
    Frederick, MD

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  54. Cindy, I have followed you for some time now and my heart is breaking, I think that Ty was sent to you for a reason. I think that his face will be the face of pediatric cancer and your words will be the ones that give pediatric cancer a greater awareness. You will became a force to be reckoned with and a voice for all the mothers and fathers who are dealing with this disease. Please be strong and draw on all the love and positive thoughts and prayers that are being sent to you every second of the day. Please know that your family is loved and we are all thankful that we are able to share your journey through the joy and pain of loving Ty. Again, thank you for the opportunity of loving Ty and your family.
    Karen

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  55. Cindy, I just said to Edna this morning, that I can't believe this is happening to you both. I just simply can't! I can't imagine how you find strength, but yet you do. You are amazing. We will always help you spread the word about Ty and will be right next to you to help you in anything you need. Love you!

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  56. I think about you all everyday! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!

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  57. This is heartbreaking. I cant even imagine. Im praying for a miracle and I know they happen. I know you will be ok cindy whatever happens. You are so strong. You will be ok for your family. You are an amazing mom. Ty will be forever yours. and if he has to go now you will meet him in eternity where there is no sickness and there are no goodbyes. Still praying for that miracle...

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  58. My heart is aching for you... I am SO SORRY about this latest turn of events. I wanted to Thank you for sharing Ty and Gavin with us. Your boys are beautiful! and your story an inspiration. Ty and your family are in my thoughts often and I pray for God to give you the strength you need.

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  59. Thinkg of you and your family everyday, praying for you all to continue to have the strength you have shown us all so far. You are an amazing mother and you humble me. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling and only wish I could take it away for you. Your little man is such a blessing, so strong and amazing and he has touched so many of us in this world. I pray for another miracle for him and for you and your family. God bless you TY, we all love you very much xoxo

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  60. Thinking of you, and your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. From one mother to another, I'm sending you love and strength.

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  61. Cyndi - I'm not even sure you remember me, but I was a friend of your sister, Theresa's, growing up & I lived around the corner on Martin Drive. I have begun reading your blog religiously, because - while it makes me cry at work when I read it - it reminds me how important it is to cherish each moment. It has made me rethink my every day choices and made me value my girls more than ever before. My girls are the same ages as your boys and it breaks my heart that you are going through this pain. I will never know why these things happen and your faith in light of everything is inspiring. I have taught my older daughter about cancer through your struggle & she continually asks how Ty is doing. I wish there was something we (or anyone) could do to help you through the struggle. You have so many praying for you & a miracle. There are 4 more of us in Washington wishing you strength & peace. Enjoy those snuggles - they're better than anything in the world.

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  62. Cindy,
    I have been reading your posts for quite sometime now. You are such an incredible woman, mother and wife. My heart feels so heavy for you and your family. As you may know, today is a Jewish Holiday called Yom Kippur. It is a day of atonement as well as a day to mourn those we lost. Today, I am mourning the loss of my baby brother.More importantly, he was my parent's baby. Granted he was 42 when he passed 4 years ago and no comparison can be made with the age that Ty is. What I want to tell you is that as the years have passed, it does get easier in some respects. The normal is a new normal. A piece of your heart is definitely taken away. My parents had to continue living for me, my other brother as well as the grandchildren they have been blessed with. My brother is ALWAYS with me. He was always a practical joker and he continues to play pranks on me. Whenever I see a butterfly, I know that's him flying free without anymore pain. My favorite poem that I often read was written by an unknown author. I hope when you need it most, it will inspire you as well.
    HE IS GONE
    You can shed the tears that he is gone,
    Or you can smile because he has lived.
    You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
    Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.
    Your heart can be empty because you can't see him.
    Or it can be full of the love you shared.
    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in yesterday,
    Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
    You can remember him and only that he's gone,
    Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
    You can cry and close your mind,
    Be empty and turn your back,
    Or you can do what he'd want,
    Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

    Life is certainly not fair at times. We ask ourselves, why, why, why? My family was never a very affectionate family. We all knew we loved one another but it wasn't outwardly shown. Since my brother's death, we ALWAYS say "I love you" each and everytime we see each other and speak. We always hug and kiss one another hello and goodbye. My brother's untimely passing has taught us to never take ANYTHING for granted. Following your family's journey has taught me and so many other people so much. Ty was put on this earth for a VERY special reason and never forget that. Enjoy all of the time with him that he has left if that "miracle" doesn't happen. You have opened our eyes to the devastation that childhood cancer can cause to families and because of that, miracles WILL happen in the future for other children.
    Cindy and Lou, please always remember that what lives within your heart, never truly dies. Ty will live in so many people's hearts!!
    You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday!!

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  63. I just wanted you to know that every morning I wake up and the very first thing I do is check on Ty! Before even getting out of bed. I can't imagine the pain you and your family are going throught right now. Always praying for everyone in your family and that special little boy Ty!

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  64. I continue praying for a miracle for your family please know that we all know you and love you even if we have never met

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  65. I am praying for a miracle for Ty and your family. I am a better Mommy after reading your posts.

    The love never dies and nothing will ever take that away from you...

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  66. I have been fascinated by stories about reincarnation - I'm sure you've heard about the case studies where young children can remember their past lives...When I read those stories, I simply can't deny it. The odds of some children remembering specific details of someone else's past life as just coincidence are just too astronomical to not be true. I tend to approach things very scientifically and have to believe that people CAN be reincarnated in a different body after reading those stories...but that they will find the people they are connected to in life. You won't lose Ty -whenever he passes on, you'll be together again. No question in my mind. He's yours forever. Look for him in life again if he gets reincarnated...i know you'll find him if that happens. He'll be with you every day in everything you do. He's yours. Or if he gets a direct path to heaven, you know he's with you every day watching over you.

    Since discovering your blog, I cry daily with you and feel the pain as it tears you apart. I'm empathic and feel the feelings of people around me...it's an awful "power" to have at times, but I've been like this my entire life. I was on a plane the other day and started sobbing over Ty too...and I don't even know you outside of this blog. But I know it was all the pain and panic and agony you were feeling. You are making him comfortable and giving him great experiences (the petting zoo was an awesome idea!) You are doing everything right...absolutely everything. I guess we all have to remember that we ALL die one day - no one can avoid it no matter how much exercise we do or how many supplements we take - I know there's more to the story than just this life. Whether it's reincarnation or heaven or something else - there's too many stories of the next stage of the story to not be true. It will never be easy, but I know you are going to do great things with Ty's story, with his life...you already are. He's a special, special boy who has already touched SO many people. I'm sending you all of the positive vibes in the world to help heal Ty...no one wants to lose him! We all have fallen in love with him through your words already!

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  67. Hugs n kisses to sweet little Ty

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  68. Cindy, your strength is inspirational and your courage is amazing. You have given so many people a gift by sharing Ty's journey. Ty looks so peaceful in your lastest photos, you have made the world fall in love with him and have opened everyone's hearts to the awareness of pediatric cancer. I'm forever grateful to know you and Lou and thank you for making me stop and look at the leaves....Ty and Gavin are beautiful. You are in our prayers and hearts.

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  69. I agree with "anonymous", above, about his soul ALWAYS being connected with yours. He is yours. He will ALWAYS be yours. I have had a few experiences with friends who have been contacted by loved ones who have passed, and there is just absolutely no denying that our loved ones' spirits live on, and stay with us. Ty will ALWAYS be with you, physically, or otherwise. He will always wrap his arms around you as you sleep.
    I am still praying so hard... literally brought to my knees in prayer in my own livingroom today (which I've literally never done before), praying desperately for Ty. We all want that miracle for you all so badly. We all love Ty. He has become everyone's baby, thanks to your loving words, and your generosity in sharing his story. You continue to make us all better mommies. You are the best. I pray that you somehow feel the strength we're all trying to send.
    I hope you have a lovely night together, and that Ty wakes with a smile for you.

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  70. All I am able to think is Ty nothing else. I read how everyone else is becoming more aware of their families hug their kids more but I am ashamed to admit that even though I hug and kiss my boys often my mind is somewhere else. I'm little distant because I am in pain over your boy Cindy. I can't tolerate bullshit anymore I get annoyed over people complaining about such insignificant things it makes me angry because they really are ignorant, they really don't know what a problem really is. Sometimes I get even upset when my boys complain about little things and I tell them that shame on them because Ty can't walk and is in pain and and that Gavin can't play with his brother the way they play together. I am definitely such a different person now it's a total change. I care about nothing else because nothing can compare to the suffering of your beautiful family and of Ty. Please keep him here always. I want to scream where are all the doctors who took care of Ty why aren't they coming with a plan how to save him how to operate on him and make him healthy. Where is everyone why aren't they breaking their heads on keepi him here and pain free.

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  71. Cindy, Lou, Gavin and Ty...I have been following you for over 2 years. My kids are aware of you and Ty's situation. My son is 4 1/2 and doesn't get it. Today-out of the blue he says I miss Ty and I am sad that he's so sick. I have not told him how 'sick Ty really is now. I decided to tonight. i told him that Ty has beaten cancer but that he was dying. He thought awhile and said he wanted to save Ty. He asked how to get there and how he can save Ty. He asked how long it would take to get there. I would gladly give him for a few days to 'fix things'. As a child this is what he thinks he can do. i wish he could. Cindy, please this is not just hurting you but all of us but that is not your concern. Take care of your family..all of them. You have done more in your life than I ever have...God bless

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  72. Cindy:

    Sleep can be strength. Our champion is readjusting his cells to do his fight. Hey, I would be tired too. While there is life, there is hope. But if you fell you might need someone to help you in case; thanatologists help in this process.

    I believe in miracles, so I won't give up. He is home and I have in my mind the image of you guys looking at the sky through the leaves of a beautiful tree. Take your time with Ty. He is a miracle.

    God has given you a VERY SPECIAL son, not to mention an awesome husband and Gavin! Put yourself in God's hand; He has carried you before, He will carry you now.

    Remember:
    All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired. - Martin Luther

    Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe. - Saint Augustine

    I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest. Sometimes I've been closer to him for that reason. - Elie Wiesel

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  73. cindy i wanted to drop a note like colleen i'm here too

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  74. Cindy: I've been following your blog for well over a year. I wish that there's something I could say to help. What's happening to your family is so unfair! But I admire your strength and your incredible faith in God (many people would have been so angry that they might turn away from God). I'll never forget Ty's story. The one thing that always gives me comfort during hardships is remembering that we will ALL leave this world one day. This life IS temporary. We will get to see our loved ones on the other side and spend eternity with them and with God. May God bless and protect your sweet, beautiful child.

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  75. Praying for Ty and all of you that you may all find peace someday. Ty is in my prayers everyday.

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  76. Wanted to do as the 2 ladies above, wanted to just let ya know, I'm here.

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  77. Dearest Cindy and Lou
    What about all of us?? Do you think all of us out here will forget Ty,you, Lou, Gavin? NO WAY!! You have been a part of our lives for these two short years, but your impact on all of us has run very very deep. Our shoulders spread across the entire country, and probably over seas.. You have shared your joys and these shoulders have been and will be here to spread the weight of the pain . Do not think you are alone. You will never be. I pledge not to disappear. Ty will not be forgotten and hopefully we can band together to bring some good from his legacy. Perhaps we can form a network to continue your fight and Ty's fight against the scourge of childhood cancer.One thing I have learned is that these cancers are not getting the attention they deserve and that is not acceptable!
    I will never forget Ty's Rocky video when this all started , and his triumph in the video when he said" I'm walking" .Remember, Ty is the ultimate fighter- He has become the symbol in my mind of perserverance- Whatever the outcome- Ty has never given up the fight and never should we.

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  78. You are all top of my prayer list as always! I have a 5 and 2.10 year old and If I am ever even half the mom you are one day my kids will be blessed. I check for updates every day and have been in shock over the past few weeks over what is happening. I read out loud your posts to my husband as tears roll down my face - KIDS SHOULD NEVER EVER have to go through what Ty has been though - sometimes life makes no sense! I know you will continue to love and snuggle that beautiful boy all the days of his life! You are beyond lucky to have such an amazing and beautiful boy as YOUR son and he and Gavin are beyond blessed to have the most loving and strongest as their mother! Thinking about you all, all of the time! Tons and tons of prayers! XO

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  79. Dear Cindy, As I sit here and write this, I can't imagine the pain you all are going through. I have been following your posts for quite sometime now and it breaks my heart to hear what Ty has to go through-it's just not fair! I pray for all of you every day and ask God for a miracle for your precious little beautiful boy. Don't ever doubt yourself, you are an amazing woman and mother. You are taking such wonderful care of Ty and Gavin! Your strength and wisdom shine through everyday. May God bless you all and may you find the peace and strength to get through each and every day. With love, Deb Xoxoxoxoxo

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  80. I am hopping Ty had a better day today. He rested up yesterday and will be full of smiles today prayers to Ty and the family ...not a day goes by that I don't pray and think about u all. I am a better mom because of you Cindy you are an inspiration to all moms I am sure, but especially to me the Campbell family is what superhero's should be. Personally I don't know any of you but through your blog I have come to know and love you all....love and prayers from Long Island :)

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  81. Cindy I just finished watching your videos. Finally I get to see what you look like!! Ty is a spitting image of YOU!!! Hair, eyes, that huge smile too!! Look in the mirror & you'll always see Ty !!! God bless

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  82. Dear Cindy, You have completely touched my heart and soul with just one story- I am in a stream of tears with the journey you are on with your son Ty, and so blessed to have Gavin keeping you smiling when you are brokenhearted.I lost my son to a custody battle and it is nothing compared to what you are going through. You have created a great tool to get you through these days and a growing support team that will carry you through the roughest periods. You have strong faith and constant prayers. Thank you for opening your heart to us, you are all in my prayers for strength and Ty for healing and peace. Peace and Blessings and Much Love and Support. Tracey xoxoxoxoxoox ^j^ xoxoxoxoxoxoxoox

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  84. Reading little Tyler's story is heart wrenching for me. My daughter has had brain cancer after brain cancer and benign brain tumors. She is 36 now but not without problems. I belonged to the Candlelighters organization several years ago and it was a blessing for me to be involved with other people going through the same or similar situations. Do not give up hope. It is all we parents have when faced with these terrible situations. There is a rainbow behind every dark cloud. Hang in there and bless you. I will light a candle and pray for your baby boy. ((((HUGS)))))

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  85. I have just two words in my heart, that I want to dedicate you: thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. When Samuel called me for an appointment, I had nearly a heart attack! It’s been only 3days that you cast the spell, and he is already back! This spell you cast is just so powerful that he can’t spend a minute without me! My joy is permanent, such as the spell you cast! Be blessed, you and your gods, thank you sooo much!! Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com

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