Our cable/phone/internet was restored yesterday and I'm so happy to be back online.
I would share the wonderful news that Ty is sleeping so much better lately, but of course tonight he is still awake and fighting sleep like only a determined boy can do, and we all know how determined he can be. I tried to convince him to sleep by laying with him and reading books, whispering songs, telling stories and nuzzling into his neck. I just love to give Ty soft kisses on his neck. Gavin, too, of course. There's just something so delicious about babies and how warm and soft their skin is over there. My boys have been nestled into my neck since the day they were born so I like to nestle into theirs whenever I get a chance, too. I understand why it is such a comfortable place for them. It is like a small, silky hiding place where you can share a feeling of closeness that can't otherwise be described. Ahhhhhhh..... kisses and snuggles.... so precious. I want to hold onto that feeling and carry it around with me always for when I need a reminder of how good it feels to be a mommy.
I have two stories to share today...
Ty wins again!
Over the past year, Gavin has grown from a one-year old who was still being bullied by his older brother to a rambunctious two-year old who has been taking advantage of Ty ever since he was immobilized. A typical toddler, he has been taking Ty's toys away from him with ease ever since he was sick (which probably evens the score from when he wasn't able to walk either and Ty took away all of his toys). Ty couldn't do anything to fight back but cry. Today I stopped doing the dishes - the ever present chore - and dashed into the den when I heard the two of them yelling, only to find Ty still clutching onto his puzzle. Gavin tried to take it away from him, but Ty fought back and won for the first time in a year! He yelled to me with pride... "I hit him back, Mommy! I hit him back!" Now, of course we don't necessarily encourage Ty to hit his brother, but boys can be so physical and nowadays we do encourage him to stand up to Gavin more in an effort to minimize his whining and crying over every little interaction with his brother. I was really proud of him. And, in a weird way, happy for Gavin. Things for Gavin are so far from normal, and this was a very normal outcome between brothers for a change. For example, I worry that Gavin is affected by all of the times I have to tell him to be careful of Ty, to watch what he's doing, to give something back to Ty when he cries, to let Ty pick first and to see how Ty gets the best of everything. Then there's also the fact that he stays home so often and Ty goes absolutely everywhere with me. It just seems so unfair and I don't want all of those things to affect him or his feelings toward me or Ty. So far, he has been so resilient as far as that goes. He's just such a smart, compassionate and fun-loving baby boy.
Boys will be boys
Both of my children have a charming habit of showing me their fingers when there is a booger perched on top. It's their way of saying they need a tissue. So gross, but true (sorry). Ty yelled to me that he had a booger the other day, but I was busy so I didn't get over to him with a tissue for a minute or so. When I got there he looked confused because he forgot about it. I said, "where is your booger, I thought you needed a tissue?" Then he had that look like he suddenly remembered something and he started laughing the most adorable laugh in the world.
"I hide that" he giggled.
"I can't tell you, I hide that."
"You have to tell me. I mean it. Where did you hide it?" <stern mom voice>
He peered off to the side of the couch and smiled a sly smile. I asked him if it was on the couch and he just giggled some more before he fessed up to the fact that he was hiding it under the cushion. I found it (thank God), along with a lot of crumbs and half eaten animal crackers. I'm starting to get scared of what he is capable of now that he is getting so strong :) Big smiles, regardless.
Lou and I are still counting down the hours until our MRI on Tuesday. Just like so many other parents around the world who are praying for a clean scan for their beloveds. I didn't invent the word "scanticipation" but it is one that cancer patients and parents know all too well. It's a sickening feeling deep down in the gut that just gets worse and worse as MRI day approaches. In fact, there is a whole learned vocabulary among us parents like Zophran, NPO, roid-rage, tubies and poke presents. I think about all of the parents that I have encountered during this journey with so much love and a common bond because as much as cancer has beat us down and hurt us beyond hurt - it has also opened our eyes to more beauty than we ever knew existed. Cancer is evil and didn't intend for us to rise above, but we are enlightened nonetheless and that can't be taken away from us.
I have this saying on a magnet that greets me throughout every day. Thank you, Maria (so nice tohear your voice today). It helps me. Goodnight everyone, with all of our love.