Friday, August 5, 2011

Amidst smiles, my heart aches

Tomorrow we are heading home.  I am ready to go, but also sad to leave.  I think I always feel that way toward the end of any vacation.  We have had great luck with the weather – nothing but beautiful clear and sunny days.  We enjoyed fires on the beach at night, boat rides and sand castles during the day. 

I shouldn’t be sad.  Ty has been so happy during our time here.  He looks absolutely amazing, he is getting so strong and he is gaining more and more confidence in himself.  He is feeling good.  No headaches, no vomiting in several days.  He is eating well - although he drives us crazy with how picky he is - and he hasn’t had a single accident since he was strong enough to get back on the potty a couple of weeks ago.  I’m so proud of him.  He is so strong, and so willful.  He is my dream come true.

I have been enjoying our time here immensely, but I would be lying if I said this vacation has been filled with 100% happiness.  Instead, my heart aches with every beautiful sunset, every infectious giggle and every moment of silence I get.  I don’t want to go home to more chemotherapy and anticipation.  I don’t want Ty to have to suffer through this anymore, I just want this improvement to continue until he is returned to optimal health.  I just don’t want to face the reality of having a child with cancer.  I want every existing cancer cell in his body to be obliterated.  I want what Ty prays for every night and wishes for on every star… “no more cancer, no more hospital.”  Ever since I caught him quietly whispering that phrase to a blinking toy ring in the hospital during his very first treatment, that saying has defined the very essence of my soul.  It’s all I can ever wish for… for Ty, and for everyone. 

Lou mentioned putting a deposit down on a lake house for next year and I immediately felt sick.  This lake has been a vacation spot for my family ever since I was a baby myself, but if things don’t go well I don’t think I ever want to come here again.  I have too many beautiful memories of Ty here.  Below I posted a photo of Ty at the lake every year since he was born.  All week I have been haunted by the thought of ever coming here without him.    

I try to remind myself that he already beat the odds by being here this year, but it doesn’t help me feel better.  The other day I was on the boat with the whole family and Ty was crying before falling asleep because he couldn’t get comfortable.  I thought about how he should be standing at the front of the bow, with wind in his hair like his cousins.  About how he would otherwise be running around with them all week, fishing and digging and swimming.   I cried under my sunglasses and even though I heard my family talking and discussing things like what we should have for lunch or how we should spend the rest of the afternoon, I simply wasn’t there.  I was somewhere else completely.  These moments of heartache have been frequent during this vacation, but they don’t last long and for that I am grateful.  I guess it’s just impossible to forget the reality of our situation, even during the happiest of times, and maybe that’s a good and safe thing.  I don’t know. 

Ty is excited about how strong he is getting.  He constantly calls across the room, “look Mama!” so I can see him knocking his knees together, or pulling he feet up to his chest independently.  He has been practicing his walking at least two or three times a day, and he can get all the way across a room with assistance.    

Gavin has been making us laugh constantly.  He is loving the lake and having so much fun.  He just loves to roll around and tackle everyone.  He has been SO good with Ty, too.  Helping out when he is practicing walking, giving him hugs and kisses, holding his hand on the boat.  He is our comic relief and our greatest blessing. 

As I mentioned, we will return home tomorrow and I will return to posting more frequently.  Thank you so much for always checking in on us.  It is very therapeutic for me to be able to share with you all, and I look forward to having internet service again!  XOXO and all of our love.    


  1. Cindy & Lou,

    My heart truly does break for you. I never could imagine what you are going through but I try to understand as much as I can through your posts. I guess it is so difficult, as much as he is getting better, its like you must feel as though "the calm before the storm?" I don't know if that makes much sense, but. . .

    I am very happy to hear that you guys had a great vacation, and I can also understand your fear of the future, not knowing is what would kill me. I need to know everything that second, I can never wait. Last year I was diagnosed with skin cancer and I had to wait a few days for my biopsy results. I was going nuts, I couldn't sleep or eat and I must have called the doctors office a million times. You have tremendous patience. You guys are truly incredible! I don't know how you guys do it, I truly dont.

    However, you guys had an incredible vacation, and Ty is getting stronger and stronger every day!!! He is so remarkable!!! What a little fighter. :) Super Ty! I truly believe that he is going to beat this! I really do!

    Team Ty always! :)

    Joy Marielle
    Baltimore, MD

  2. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you that it's ok. It's ok for you to have fear and doubt considering everything your family has been through for the last year. It's ok as long as it doesn't overtake your day and I'm happy that as you said those moments don't last long.

    I'm so happy that the weather was great and that you all had so much fun. Don't worry about what SuperTy missed out on this year because I am sure that he will make up for it next year plus some. He is, after all, our little fighter and he is well on his way to sending those rotten cancer cells straight to he**.

    I also pray every night before bed for no more cancer and no more hospital. While I know that chemo is in the plans, I pray that my little hero handles it well and recovers quickly so that he can continue to grow stronger then ever!!!

    All my love,

  3. Okay you sound like you need a pep talk..
    I cannot possibly imagine what you are going through but you can't let your mind run away with you..
    Doctors can be wrong you. Ty is living proof. You have to believe that everything will work out and try to stay strong and not think about what "if" I know it has to hard but you have proved in all your blogs what a fighter you are.. that is where Ty gets it from.
    Always remember there are a lot of people out here sending you positive energy, love and hope
    Keep your head up!! I am praying for you and that beautiful baby boy

  4. So happy you guys had such a amazing vacation - you deserve it! Ty is going to keep getting stronger and keep getting better and he will beat this cancer up! Keep fighting the fight - keep living in the moment - keep being the amazing woman that you are! Your family is a inspiration to me!

    Top of my prayers as always!

  5. So happy that you all had a nice vacation! Your post tonight has moved me so much (as they always do). You and Ty are so inspiring and I wish with every fiber in my body that Ty's wish for no more cancer, no more hospital comes true very soon. I love and think of you all much!

  6. Dear Cindy,
    I have a lump in my throat because your post touched me so deeply! I wish I could take all the fear away from you and I wish I could just help you send this $@§"! cancer to h***. But all I can do is constantly think of Ty and you, send prayers and positive thoughts and keep on fighting in my mind together with you and your little trooper.
    So glad you had a lovely holiday and I think it is just normal to become sad from time to time in your situation.
    Sending you love and hope and prayers!

  7. Dear Cindy,

    I always keep an open mind and have been following Ty's story since the beginning. I think you should seriously have a look at this article. Please read the entire thing.