I promise you, there is something so much more than this...

... And, I am certain it is beautiful.  For those of you that are desperately missing your parent, your child, your loved one; experiencing a wave of grief and despair; I hope this message finds you today. And when I find myself in a place of doubt like I have been for weeks – I hope I can come back here to this place of absolute conviction that I will see my son again.

It has been 21 months since Ty died.  After his loss, I received so many undeniable signs from him.  The ladybug above my head in Vermont in the middle of winter - the one that magically appeared one minute after I shared my ladybug stories with a new friend - was not a coincidence.  I remember at the time I wasn’t even surprised because I was so used to getting such beautiful signs from my special boy.

At the 2013 Mess Fest, there were ladybugs EVERYWHERE!  Hundreds of them!  They were landing in our hair all day.  Again, this was not a coincidence.  The picture my sister took at the Mess Fest that had an enormous orb over Gavin that looked like Ty’s smiling face looking down on him? The time Mely, Lou and I were having a quiet, very, very sad night at home and Ty’s tricycle fell off the shelf in the garage out of nowhere?  The hawk that frequently swoops down right in front of my car windshield before landing on a tree or wire above and watching me as I slow down to make eye contact.  All of these things are not a coincidence.  I feel him on all of these occasions.

But over time, these things occur less and less frequently.  I remember reading somewhere that spirits tend to make their presence known when you need it most, and perhaps this is a reflection on my healing.  That my coping is evolving and I am finding happiness in life again.  But that idea alone has had me so upset lately.  I want to get better, I want to love living again, but I still want to receive these reassuring signs frequently!  I want to know he is always with me.

When we were in Long Beach recently, I took Gavin to play in Magnolia Park.  I sat with Ty’s statue while watching Gavin run around, and I witnessed some nearby children squealing in delight about a couple of ladybugs they found.  My face was practically twitching with jealousy!  I wanted to find the ladybug!  It was meant for me!

This morning Gavin sat on my lap as we both watched TV from "Ty's spot" on the couch.  His absence was so heavy on my mind so I took a break and went outside for a walk in my backyard.  I talked to Ty.  I looked for ladybugs everywhere to no avail - I haven't seen one all summer.  I listened for our woodpecker (another story) but no woodpecker.  I recited “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt” for him as I marched through the yard, just like I used to do when carrying him, and when I was finished I told him how much I needed him and how much I missed him.  I asked him for a sign and at that very moment – I can’t make this stuff up – something significant moved in the flower patch next to me.  A frog?  I don’t know.  I started moving some of the leaves and flowers to see if I could find whatever small creature was there, but I didn’t see anything until something bright red caught my eye.  Right there, sitting on a leaf, was a tiny little ladybug.

Oh, how I cried.  A great, feel good, get-it-all-out cry.  I knew Ty was right there and in between my tears I told him how much I love and miss him over and over again.  I told him how lucky I am to be his Mommy and how incredibly sorry I am that we couldn’t save him.  How sorry I was for his suffering and how sorry I was for being imperfect because he deserved nothing but perfection.  I cried in gratitude for his presence and for the five short years I got to spend with him.  And for the affirmation that he is still with me everywhere I go.  After a minute or so I ran inside to get my camera and when I returned just seconds later, my ladybug was gone.  The fact that she was gone was even better.  A private little message from Ty to me.  I will carry this moment with me with reinforced faith that he is not gone.  That he is still right here.

Over the next couple of days I will post significant updates on TLC events and investments.  In the meantime, if you haven’t gotten your tickets to the Mess Fest yet, PLEASE PURCHASE THEM IN ADVANCE.  I promise you, it will be nothing short of an incredible, magical, magnificent day for the entire family.  Everything is included with admission including swimming pools, boating, ziplines, amusement rides, magic shows, arts & crafts, mini golf, bounce houses, pony rides, touch-a-truck, climbing walls, batting cages, live music, games and prizes and so much more!!  Get tickets here (www.messfest2014.eventbrite.com), or join our team for the Dirty Dunk (www.crowdrise.com/dirtydunk) and fundraise for free admission!  (click on "The Team" then click on "Join the Team" to create your own fundraising page).