The last of the firsts
Thursday will be one year since the day Ty died. I have been a fraction of myself for weeks. I don't respond to so many kind and thoughtful messages because I am so just numb I have nothing to say. I feel like a walking void.
The biggest problem I have with accepting this one year mark is the sheer impossibility of it all. Despite the fact that I miss him profoundly with every second of every day - I am ever aware of his absence - at the same time I still don't fully believe he is gone. As it approaches, this one year anniversary is shoving the painful reality down my throat. It's real. It really did happen. He is never coming back. I just lived an entire year without him here with me. How can that be?
This blog saves me sometimes because I internalize all of my emotions behind a public veil. Writing like this at the end of the day gives me an opportunity to open the floodgates in my head; get all those jumbled thoughts out. It also saves me because it allows me to look back on the last three years and remember everything. It is such a treasure. I wish I had kept some kind of journal my whole life! I want to go back and read about what we were doing on October 15, 2009 - before cancer - but it was only when stupid cancer came around that I started doing this.
Last year, on October 15, I put on a pair of Hulk gloves and started wrestling with Gavin. It was just before bedtime and Ty laughed out loud despite how sick he was. He was happy! Reading about that moment helped my pounding, grieving heart to settle back into my chest a bit. Tomorrow morning, one year ago, Ty woke up whining very, very early. I barely slept a wink so Lou got up with Ty and brought him downstairs so I could rest more. When I came down Ty was already sleeping again and he never woke up again. I always held such regret for missing out on Ty's last conscious moments. I missed his last conversation. I wasn't the one lying next to him on the couch when he fell asleep to an episode of Max and Ruby for the last time. But looking back and knowing I made him laugh his last genuine laugh has given me such comfort today. It's the little things that help me cope sometimes.
Lou and I will take off of work on Thursday, but we refuse to sit around in our sad, sad house. We are planning on going into the city so we can each get a tattoo for Ty. I never had a tattoo, it's not something I ever wanted until now. Now I can't wait. I hope it really hurts, too. A forever tribute, visible to everyone, so people continue to ask me about him until my own last days. We are also going to visit his statue in Long Beach, I can't wait to see "him" again.
I love you my handsome boy. Big Much. My broken heart will forever bleed for you until I see you again. xoxo.
The biggest problem I have with accepting this one year mark is the sheer impossibility of it all. Despite the fact that I miss him profoundly with every second of every day - I am ever aware of his absence - at the same time I still don't fully believe he is gone. As it approaches, this one year anniversary is shoving the painful reality down my throat. It's real. It really did happen. He is never coming back. I just lived an entire year without him here with me. How can that be?
This blog saves me sometimes because I internalize all of my emotions behind a public veil. Writing like this at the end of the day gives me an opportunity to open the floodgates in my head; get all those jumbled thoughts out. It also saves me because it allows me to look back on the last three years and remember everything. It is such a treasure. I wish I had kept some kind of journal my whole life! I want to go back and read about what we were doing on October 15, 2009 - before cancer - but it was only when stupid cancer came around that I started doing this.
Last year, on October 15, I put on a pair of Hulk gloves and started wrestling with Gavin. It was just before bedtime and Ty laughed out loud despite how sick he was. He was happy! Reading about that moment helped my pounding, grieving heart to settle back into my chest a bit. Tomorrow morning, one year ago, Ty woke up whining very, very early. I barely slept a wink so Lou got up with Ty and brought him downstairs so I could rest more. When I came down Ty was already sleeping again and he never woke up again. I always held such regret for missing out on Ty's last conscious moments. I missed his last conversation. I wasn't the one lying next to him on the couch when he fell asleep to an episode of Max and Ruby for the last time. But looking back and knowing I made him laugh his last genuine laugh has given me such comfort today. It's the little things that help me cope sometimes.
Lou and I will take off of work on Thursday, but we refuse to sit around in our sad, sad house. We are planning on going into the city so we can each get a tattoo for Ty. I never had a tattoo, it's not something I ever wanted until now. Now I can't wait. I hope it really hurts, too. A forever tribute, visible to everyone, so people continue to ask me about him until my own last days. We are also going to visit his statue in Long Beach, I can't wait to see "him" again.
I love you my handsome boy. Big Much. My broken heart will forever bleed for you until I see you again. xoxo.
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard"....A.A. Mine Winnie the pooh.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that Ty isn't here with you, Lou and Gavin.
Yo and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your pain. I will honor Ty as asked on his birthday and continue to pay it forward. God bless mjulie and Casey
ReplyDeleteYo and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your pain. I will honor Ty as asked on his birthday and continue to pay it forward. God bless mjulie and Casey
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers for each of you. <3
ReplyDeleteI found your page a few days before Ty passed. I was about 3 months pregnant with my third child and reading about Ty and your love for him was incredible. When he passed I cried like I had known you all for years. I weeped for hours and I'm sure my husband thought I was surely crazy. I felt so connected with you....with the love you have for your children. I wanted to tell you that you have made a difference in our lives. We talk sweeter, hug longer, and I even jumped in mud puddles this summer with my then 6 and 10 year old boys. I can't tell you when the last time I did that! My daughter is named Delaynie and we call her Layni bug. I randomly think about your family often. You are amazing. You somehow push through the day not only just breathing and going through the motions, but you are standing up to ensure Ty's legacy lives on. You are making waves and not just wadding in the water. I know you don't know me, and I know you receive hundreds of messages and comments, but I just had to tell you how incredibly grateful I am that I found your blog. It has changed my life and I will forever continue to help in the fight for childhood cancer.
ReplyDeleteI love this. :)
DeleteGreat sentiments, I totally agree :)
DeleteIt is so hard to say something inspiring when you can't make any sense of this. Instead you continue to inspire me to love hard, live happy and breathe in all the beauty I can grab onto. Thank you Cindy. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
ReplyDeleteAs I sit here in tears thinking about my precious 6 month old I can't imagine the loss you are feeling.. I don't know how you have the strength to go on but I know you are truly my inspiration. I don't physically know you but I am amazed by you...
ReplyDeleteI hope he comes to you in a beautiful dream.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love Cindy. My heart breaks for you and Louie every day. I wish I could take just a fraction of your grief and pain away. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSuperTy forever and always ♥♥ ((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteOMGosh Cindy. I have the chills as I read this. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Ty and you and your family. And lately I've been thinking a lot and looking a lot for Ty especially in my drive to work. And just today I l saw a hawk fly across the road in the trees right above in front as I drove and I just smiled. Then whispered "hi" and "thanks" and "fly high little man. go visit your mommy and family again and again". Then as my mind wandered I thought of how I'd like to have one of those magnetic ribbons for my car in gold that had superty.org on it or a gold TShirt with the superTy logo and .com address or how cool would it be to be able to have the Ty logo as a temp tattoo (like my son gets all the time and just got a 911 one in his fire prevention pkg last week during fire prev. week) "I want a Ty (temp) tattoo," I thought. And that it could also be good to have as a admission stamp at the muddy puddles project and other events -- but that you could purchase the temp tattoos and car magnets from the website as a fundraiser. (Maybe you already do all of this.) I think your tattoo idea is another fabulous tribute to a super hero boy. -- and since I don't have a temp Ty one this year I will get a super one out of my 6yr old son's collection (whether it be Scooby Doo, Sponge Bob, or a pirate) and wear it in spirit and honor of Ty's awesomeness. Love and big hugs to you. Ty is forever in my heart. Brenda, Brewster, NY
ReplyDeleteI love you Cindy! But you already know that! Thinking of you every second! Xo
ReplyDeleteLove. Always love.
ReplyDeleteOne year already!! So special.
ReplyDeleteAnd he will come and wipe our tears, and death will be no more.
Love, much love
I pray for you and your family every day. my heart truly aches for you for losing your precious boy. have peace in the fact that he is now at peace himself and no longer in pain and you will be with him again one day. so happy that you have the love of gavin and your husband to help you through each day.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your special day in honor of your beautiful son. You inspire us each and every day Cindy!
ReplyDeleteI remember that post about the Hulk gloves. You did your best to make Ty's last days as happy as they could be. Hard to believe it has been almost a year since his passing, and it still makes me sad and hurts my heart that Ty is gone.
ReplyDeleteGetting a tattoo to honor him is a great idea, something you can always look at and know that your sweet boy is and always will be special!!
SUPERTY FOREVER!
PS - (((((((Hugs)))))) to you and your family tomorrow. I will be thinking of you.
DeleteThis post hurts so much. I remember your Hulk post also, can't believe tomorrow is a year. My heart broke on October 17, 2012 for a cherub I never even met but fell in love with, and still love like my own child. I have no words and no words will soothe you. Please know I think of Ty every day, his stunning face, sparkling eyes and those beautiful smiles of the day. God bless you and your family. Sending big hugs and love. Love you big much sweet baby. Please come to your Mom and Dad in a beautiful dream. xoxo
ReplyDeleteBeautifully put and my sentiments exactly. I miss you precious angel and although we never met, I see things that remind me of you daily <3
DeleteI've followed Ty's story almost since you started blogging, and he holds a special place in my heart even though I never met him. Thank you for continuing to share his story. Thoughts and prayers are with your family this week and always. Your strength and courage continues to inspire me.
ReplyDeleteI too can't believe it's been an entire year. My heart broke that day as well...but as I reflect on it -- I remember your beautiful words and the peace that you wrote about and somehow it gave me hope. Hope for all the parents that have lost a child and really for all of us.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear and see the new tat...forever inked is a great tribute. I hope that tomorrow is a day full of joy even though I know it will also be full of sorrow. We will be thinking of you all.
oh my gosh - your son will always be in my family's thoughts as we battle this beast called childhood cancer. it's wrong that children and those that love them so dearly have to suffer in this way - ugh! we will never stop fighting for a cure. your son is an inspiration and will never ever ever be forgotten. in his short time on earth he made an impact on the world. thank you for sharing his beautiful story and message of love with all of us. sending you strength from nyc.
ReplyDeleteReading this, I am so heartbroken for you. I got to the paragraph about the tattoos and smiled and said out loud "That's awesome!" Because it is. So awesome. My 3-year-old saw a ladybug the other day climbing up our slide and he said "hims looking for his mom." I even got a pic of him and the ladybug. I smiled and thought of Ty then too.
ReplyDeletepeace
ReplyDeleteI can't believe it either Cindy - I wish I could turn back time to 2009 - before cancer came and will it away. Everyday I think of your beautiful boy - we say prayers to him every night, we read our SuperTy and Gavin book and I do my best to live in the moment with Christopher - to cherish every second I have today because none of us are promised tomorrow. I send you, Lou and Gavin much love. I wish so much that I could perform a miracle so that Ty was here. None of this makes any sense to me. I think your tattoos will be a beautiful tribute to your beautiful son - I hope you'll share pics. Thinking of Ty always. Sending love to the Campbell's always. Sending love to everyone that has been touched by this beautiful little soul that was too perfect for this world. xoxo Donna
ReplyDeletePraying for peace. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteLook at those beautiful eyes! I swear they lead you right into his soul! I hope you find some peace tomorrow, I think the tattoo is a beautiful way to pay tribute to your precious baby boy! My heart continues to ache for you and Lou and Gavin! I hope you see the sign that Ty sends you tomorrow, because I KNOW he will be there with you!!! Ty lives on, everyday through you, Lou and everybody he has touched! Much love to you and your family!
ReplyDeleteSo well said. God Bless you and your family. And God Bless Ty
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you, Lou, Gavin and Ty tomorrow...and looking for a ladybug.
ReplyDeletexo
I think of you and Ty all the time. Tonight as my family are all safely together, my heart breaks for you. I remember reading your blog last year when Ty passed away. I felt as though I knew you and your family. I cried as I read each entry. As a mother, the thought of not being able to save your baby is unfathomable. And yet it is your reality. But you and your busband did do everything you possibly could. I know you would move heaven and earth if you could have saved him. I hope tonight brings you beautiful dreams of your amazing angel and you hug and kiss him again. God bless and help you. My prayers are with you especially tonight.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. I also have a son who will be 6 in November. I can't imagine what you and your family have gone through. Reading your blog has made me really appreciate the days even more so and I tend to hug a bit tighter each and every night now. I'm also a graduate of SUNY Oneonta and remember Louis when I was there. Sending you all lots of strength during these hard times.
ReplyDeleteI sit here in tears. I can't even begin to imagine what you go thru every day...missing your Ty....... God give you & Lou strength......strength to get thru each and every day.......Good luck with getting your tattoo...I have a few angels in honor of the pregnancies I have lost. Prayers always and thoughts sent to you and Lou. Betty
ReplyDeleteOmg, this has to be the saddest but most inspiring blog I've ever read. Cindy, I pray for you, Lou, Gavin and your family, that you all have continued peace and strength. I look forward to seeing your tattoos, gosh how beautiful. May Ty's loving memories bring comfort to your souls and a warming smile to your heart <3
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your family during this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow =(
ReplyDeleteTy will forever be in our hearts. We share you loss with your family. We were there from the beginning til the end and are still here for you Cindy. A year ago I was on the bus in my way home from school when I logged on to see how Ty was doing and when I saw the post my heart sank. I had tears running down my face....I came home and told my husband what happened. I was seeing my 5 year old son and couldnt understand what had just happened. I simply told myself that Ty is at peace and free of pain and with God. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow and that you celebrate Ty.
ReplyDeleteCampbell family, please know that you continue to inspire those who know you and those who don't. We are here to lift you up. And by sharing Ty's story and contributing to your cause we WILL beat this cruel and hideous disease. Sending you love and hope.
ReplyDeleteOur thoughts and prayers are with you today and every day.
ReplyDeleteLove,
The Berde Family
My thoughts are with you today.
ReplyDeleteLove, Emily
Thinking of you all today while looking into Ty's beautiful eyes...
ReplyDeleteLaura
I found your blog a few months before Ty passed and I just became enthralled in it. My son was about 9 months old at that time and you have just given me such a caring perspective for his childhood. I always think of Ty right when he is about to step into a puddle and I just think "go ahead and do it!" Your loss is the deepest a family can have and I just pray for comfort for you all today, the hardest of every hard day combined. Much love....
ReplyDeleteLast year on october 17 I realized that I lost hope. I lost hope for future. I also realized how vulnerable life is, and how it can happen to anyone. I realized that I could have been you or anyone else. Cancer spears noone. It attacks everyone and everywhere. Here you were a beautiful young mom of tow boys, busy working, laughing, having the time of her life and Cancer came knocking and took away your most precious gift, your beautiful first baby boy. your good looking, healthy, happy child full of dreams and happy future. Now I know and am so aware that it happens to all of us. I can say cancer sucks but trully it is not cancer. Our society is still not recognizing the threat cancer posseses. Our research is behind, our money is going to wrong places. Please forgive me to all those suffering from breast cancer, I don't mean anything bad, but I wish I could be as sick from seeing gold as I am pink everywhere. But waht I wish for the most part would be laughing Ty in his mom hands sitting outside on the bench in front of their red tree. I know that I would be beating myself if I was in your place thinking how you didn't wake up that morning, how you didn't lay down with him on the coach before he felt asleep. but Cindy, please ask yourself that "Do you measure people in your life based on one thing?" Do you really think that Ty for a second doubted your enormous love for him? All you should think about is that he opened his eyes when you got back to him after letting your priest out of the dooor. How he waited to say his goodbye and how he smiled reassuring you that his time here was done but that you will meet and be together for eternity. Words can not describe how I miss and love your baby. I wish I could give you Cindy the biggest tightest hug and cry for hours with you. I wish I can take your pain away if only for a moment. You have helped me see life in a different light. you have made me realize things that noone could before. I am forever grateful to you and your beautiful blog. I am so so so sorry for your loss to you, Lou and Gavin. I express my sympathy and I mourn your loss. I miss you Ty.
ReplyDeleteWOW!! couldn't have said it better!!!
DeleteGood Morning,
ReplyDeleteMy continued thoughts and prayers are with Ty Louis Campbell - " SuperTy " - and all of his family.
" SuperTy " will always be my hero.
God Bless.
Rob Swan
I never know what to say...knowing that words cannot express the sorrow I feel for a family I've never met. I can't for one second imagine the pain and emptiness that you are feeling having lost such a precious little boy. I just know that your family has changed so many lives. Your best, good boy in the world has inspired a movement in the pediatric cancer world. I so wish I could take away the pain today is bringing you. Please know you have a cancer warrior in SC and I will do whatever I can to help spread awareness in honor of your Super Ty...Sending hugs and prayers to you, Lou and Gavin. And to Ty, missing your smile of the day and make sure you come visit your family today, they need your signs now more than ever... <3
ReplyDeleteHi. I want to share this with you today, it was something that a friend of mine put on Facebook, and although I don't know you (I know of you via Lia Vogliano), I had a sister that died of Leukemia 40 years ago and I still miss her. I have to tell you, that as the youngest daughter to my mom, she said that God knows what He does, and that although I was not planned (I was #5) God had send me to make sure that she woke up every day and knew that someone needed her love, needed her to be present, happy, positive. Many years later, she says she sees my sister's eyes through my eyes. Me in turn, had twins, and I have always said that one is mine and one is my sister's. Please keep it up. And this goes for you:
ReplyDeleteAs I sit in Heaven
And watch you every day
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you are laughing
And watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So you know you are not alone
Don't feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied to me
Heaven is beautiful
Just you wait and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Than I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me.
Thinking of you and Lou today! XOXOX
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers are lifting you and yours up!
ReplyDeleteGone but never forgotten. I can remember reading your post a year ago and being completely heartbroken. I believed Ty was going to receive that miracle I was so desperately praying for. Thank you Cindy for sharing Ty's story and your journey. I know you are making changes in the childhood cancer community.
ReplyDeleteMy love, thoughts and prayers to you, Lou, Gavin and your friends and family. Life on earth is short and very soon we will all be together in paradise, though moments like this make that seem too far away. My heart breaks for you today, just like it did a year ago. Life is not meant to be easy, but it shouldn't be this hard. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today.
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog for over a year and never commented, but on this sad anniversary I wanted to post something. I am heartbroken for you and your family today. I commend you on your amazing efforts to find a cure for this disease so that no other child will have to suffer what Ty went through. Like many others, you have inspired me to look for ways to contribute to the cause in my own community. Your and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog today, your words touched my soul.. Your a very strong woman God bless you and your family sending love and prayers
ReplyDelete