My head is just reeling.  I am not even sure what I want to say tonight.  Obviously, I am so sad about Halloween tomorrow.  Every time Gavin's eyes light up over the prospect of putting on his Ironman costume tomorrow (Iron Patriot, to be exact) I am reminded of Ty in his Iron Man suit.  My plastic pumpkin is sitting by the door filled with all sorts of gross, spooky Halloween candy that Ty would have loved (like gummy organs and chocolate ears and bags of "blood") but it doesn't bring me any joy because Ty wasn't here to look at the catalog and pick them out for me.  I promised him I will always have great candy on Halloween, and I hope he knows that I am keeping that promise.  He enjoyed opening to door for trick-or-treaters and giving out candy more than he enjoyed trick-or-treating himself.  Tomorrow I will reluctantly carry on the tradition for Ty - and of course, for Gavin. There has been so much about this one-year anniversary that has been ma...

You know what I love?  I love that I see the world with my eyes open.  I love that I imagine, and truly believe, that every falling leaf is channeling Ty's free spirit as it softly dances in the wind.  I love that when a sunbeam lays across my face unexpectedly, I feel like it is a warm kiss from heaven.  I love that when the gentle wind blows, I turn to face it and accept my hugs.  I love that Ty gave Daddy a ladybug this morning, when he was already having a very bad day.  I love that Lou doesn't look at me like I'm crazy anymore,* because it is too magical not to believe.  *just to clarify, Lou knows I'm all sorts of crazy, just not when it comes to Ty's ladybugs. It goes without saying that I wish I was living my life with the blinders on, as long as Ty was with me, but I had no choice in that matter and I am at least grateful for how he has changed me.  He has changed a lot of people in so many ways.  Today I spent a lot of ti...

This one year anniversary has sucked the life out of me today.  Lou and I have been going, going, going until today, and as usual the slowdown brought on severe sadness.  We have been talking about Ty nonstop today.  Moping around the house.  Wiping silent tears.  It always seems to hit us hardest when things are quiet (I guess that's why we so rarely quiet down in this busy, crazy, beautiful life).  I start cleaning and organizing and I come across so many of his things.  Like today, when I found his "guy" in a box of art supplies.  A silly little green alien that he once got as a prize after getting his blood work at the hospital.  He called the little green thing "my guy" and carried him around for weeks.  I am so fearful of the day when I clean out a closet or a toy chest and don't find his drawings, or stickers, or a toy he once loved.  Because those instances are becoming less and less one year...

This link will take you to the video that Lou shared with me on my birthday.  The best birthday gift of my life.  It is long, and so very painful for me to watch - but every time I watch it I smile more and cry less.  My beautiful, beautiful baby boy.  I feel like he is right next to me again.  http://youtu.be/8ABW_Zg_Kh8 One year has passed.  How did we survive 365 days without Ty?  I don't even know.  I honestly don't know!  Lou and I spent the day together, reflecting on our last day with Ty.  Reflecting on his last breaths and the time we spent with him afterward.  We are numb.  Even after a year, we are still in shock and disbelief that this happened to us.  More importantly, that this happened to him .  Our tattoos are bandaged up for now.  I will share them over the next few days.  I am so NOT a tattoo girl, this is my one and only, and I am surprised to say that I love it so very much.  The...

Thursday will be one year since the day Ty died.  I have been a fraction of myself for weeks.  I don't respond to so many kind and thoughtful messages because I am so just numb I have nothing to say.  I feel like a walking void.  The biggest problem I have with accepting this one year mark is the sheer impossibility of it all.  Despite the fact that I miss him profoundly with every second of every day - I am ever aware of his absence - at the same time I still don't fully believe he is gone.  As it approaches, this one year anniversary is shoving the painful reality down my throat.  It's real.  It really did happen.  He is never coming back.  I just lived an entire year without him here with me.  How can that be? This blog saves me sometimes because I internalize all of my emotions behind a public veil.  Writing like this at the end of the day gives me an opportunity to open the floo...

Pasted below is a very exciting announcement that was first posted to the St. Baldrick's website on Friday, Ty's birthday.  Coupled with our recent donation to fund a fellowship in support of the Children's Brain Tumor Project at Weill Cornell, this second alliance marks the beginning of many more research investments and similar announcements to come.  We are committed to funding the most innovative research, specifically geared toward the deadliest childhood cancers (including brain/spinal tumors, sarcomas and neuroblastoma).  Since 2005, St. Baldrick’s has awarded $103 million in grants – more than $25 million in 2012 alone. We now have the opportunity to co-fund grants with this terrific organization, minimizing our administrative costs and speeding up the selection process so we can get these much needed funds into the hands of the researchers without delay.  They have one of the most sophisticated Scientific Advisory Committees among all c...

Gavin wanted to make cupcakes tonight.  He's been asking for a while, so we finally did.  I realized he was not with us when we had our cupcake for Ty on his birthday, so Lou and I had Gavin sing to Ty and blow out a candle for him.  When it was time to make a wish, he said "I wish that Ty and me will fly on a flying pirate ship."  That was a great wish.  Made Lou and I smile at our sweet Gavin.  Here is the video on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1tAF8PMSI4    

Yesterday was an incredibly long day, and we tried to find ways to celebrate Ty in every way. There is a park in Long Beach at the end of Magnolia Street.  It is right next to the boardwalk, and I took Ty and Gavin to play there almost every day when they were little.  Just before Ty passed away, we asked our friends in Long Beach to seek approval for us to place a statue of Ty in the park, and they did!  Just as we were beginning to plan this incredible tribute to Ty, Sandy rolled in and took the entire park with her.  It was devastating. Thanks to the incredible Long Beach community, they rallied together to win a grant for a new playground at Magnolia.  It was amazing to watch how the families and neighbors came together to rebuild this very special place.  Lou and I were able to begin planning again.  The new park was completed earlier this summer, and it is adorable.  The last of the construction, the ramp up to the bo...

Today is my birthday. Friday is Ty’s birthday.   He should be turning six years old.   On behalf of the Foundation, I am so grateful to my great friend Meghan for making THIS happen at theory in NYC J .    Ty’s birthday will be celebrated at the coolest store location in Manhattan – the Ganzevoort location.   Starting Thursday, the store is offering 10 percent off all purchases, and an additional 10 percent of all proceeds going to the TLC Foundation.   Such a simple way to contribute.   We are so happy to be teaming up with such a high-style brand.   Last week I also read books to the students at Wingdale and Dover Elementary Schools during their now-annual TLC Pajama Day Fundraiser.   I especially enjoyed reading “The Adventures of SuperTy and Gavin” because it gave me the opportunity to answer questions about Ty – the kids were all so curious and so caring.   We raised a lot of money for the cause, and we hope many other schoo...