Sunday, July 20, 2014

I promise you, there is something so much more than this...

... And, I am certain it is beautiful.  For those of you that are desperately missing your parent, your child, your loved one; experiencing a wave of grief and despair; I hope this message finds you today. And when I find myself in a place of doubt like I have been for weeks – I hope I can come back here to this place of absolute conviction that I will see my son again.


It has been 21 months since Ty died.  After his loss, I received so many undeniable signs from him.  The ladybug above my head in Vermont in the middle of winter - the one that magically appeared one minute after I shared my ladybug stories with a new friend - was not a coincidence.  I remember at the time I wasn’t even surprised because I was so used to getting such beautiful signs from my special boy.

At the 2013 Mess Fest, there were ladybugs EVERYWHERE!  Hundreds of them!  They were landing in our hair all day.  Again, this was not a coincidence.  The picture my sister took at the Mess Fest that had an enormous orb over Gavin that looked like Ty’s smiling face looking down on him? The time Mely, Lou and I were having a quiet, very, very sad night at home and Ty’s tricycle fell off the shelf in the garage out of nowhere?  The hawk that frequently swoops down right in front of my car windshield before landing on a tree or wire above and watching me as I slow down to make eye contact.  All of these things are not a coincidence.  I feel him on all of these occasions.

But over time, these things occur less and less frequently.  I remember reading somewhere that spirits tend to make their presence known when you need it most, and perhaps this is a reflection on my healing.  That my coping is evolving and I am finding happiness in life again.  But that idea alone has had me so upset lately.  I want to get better, I want to love living again, but I still want to receive these reassuring signs frequently!  I want to know he is always with me.

When we were in Long Beach recently, I took Gavin to play in Magnolia Park.  I sat with Ty’s statue while watching Gavin run around, and I witnessed some nearby children squealing in delight about a couple of ladybugs they found.  My face was practically twitching with jealousy!  I wanted to find the ladybug!  It was meant for me!

This morning Gavin sat on my lap as we both watched TV from "Ty's spot" on the couch.  His absence was so heavy on my mind so I took a break and went outside for a walk in my backyard.  I talked to Ty.  I looked for ladybugs everywhere to no avail - I haven't seen one all summer.  I listened for our woodpecker (another story) but no woodpecker.  I recited “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt” for him as I marched through the yard, just like I used to do when carrying him, and when I was finished I told him how much I needed him and how much I missed him.  I asked him for a sign and at that very moment – I can’t make this stuff up – something significant moved in the flower patch next to me.  A frog?  I don’t know.  I started moving some of the leaves and flowers to see if I could find whatever small creature was there, but I didn’t see anything until something bright red caught my eye.  Right there, sitting on a leaf, was a tiny little ladybug.

Oh, how I cried.  A great, feel good, get-it-all-out cry.  I knew Ty was right there and in between my tears I told him how much I love and miss him over and over again.  I told him how lucky I am to be his Mommy and how incredibly sorry I am that we couldn’t save him.  How sorry I was for his suffering and how sorry I was for being imperfect because he deserved nothing but perfection.  I cried in gratitude for his presence and for the five short years I got to spend with him.  And for the affirmation that he is still with me everywhere I go.  After a minute or so I ran inside to get my camera and when I returned just seconds later, my ladybug was gone.  The fact that she was gone was even better.  A private little message from Ty to me.  I will carry this moment with me with reinforced faith that he is not gone.  That he is still right here.



Over the next couple of days I will post significant updates on TLC events and investments.  In the meantime, if you haven’t gotten your tickets to the Mess Fest yet, PLEASE PURCHASE THEM IN ADVANCE.  I promise you, it will be nothing short of an incredible, magical, magnificent day for the entire family.  Everything is included with admission including swimming pools, boating, ziplines, amusement rides, magic shows, arts & crafts, mini golf, bounce houses, pony rides, touch-a-truck, climbing walls, batting cages, live music, games and prizes and so much more!!  Get tickets here (www.messfest2014.eventbrite.com), or join our team for the Dirty Dunk (www.crowdrise.com/dirtydunk) and fundraise for free admission!  (click on "The Team" then click on "Join the Team" to create your own fundraising page).  

15 comments:

  1. You strengthen my Faith, God Bless You.

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  2. We went to the Mess Fest last year. My kids are extremely disappointed that we will not be able to attend this year's event. It is my nephew's graduation party. We will be thinking of Ty and all of the kids who will be having messy fun. It's sure to be great event. Hope the day is showered with ladybugs again. We too saw ladybugs last year and I smiled up to the sky and said "thank you Ty". 💙

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  3. The photo of Ty's orb has me speechless, I don't know how I missed this last year. I always look for signs of Ty in the sky. You and your family are always in my heart. SuperTy forever❤️

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  4. Ty was on my mind this week giving me strength to endure uncomfortable physical therapy far less than he experienced in his sweet life. Thank you Super TY.

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  5. You strengthen my faith also, Cindy. You and Ty, together. I remember, every minute of every day.

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  6. Cindy, you continue to amaze me. Your strength is unbelievable. You make me a better parent, or at least I try to think if you when things hit rock bottom. I lost my mom 5 yrs ago and I always see butterfly's and think if her. Just like your ladybugs, I wish and hope for them and talk to her through them.

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  7. tears of pure happiness for you Cindy, Ty will Always be with youxxxKatiexxx

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  8. Yes, there is something so much more than this life!
    I saw a ladybug on my car the other day and thought of your Ty. I know it will never be the same as him being here, but as someone has said before, every new day is a day closer to seeing Ty again. ((((Hugs))))

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  9. Amazing. I do believe he's always with you. I part of me knows what you are feeling...my nephew passed away last Feb, unexpectly, and our family is soo heartbroken. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him and miss his smile and the way he used to make everyone laugh with his funny stories. He was 31, but a life still taken to soon. My heart breaks also for you and your family. I am soo glad you get signs from Ty. Prayers always.

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  10. Amazing...my heart breaks for you.........prayers sent always. Betty from Beacon NY

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  11. Hi baby boy. I have missed you so much. I dont know how I can say it about someone I never met. You brought a certain peace and calmness into my soul since the first day I read your mommy blog. You brought hope and believe into my life. I don't know how to thank you for being this beautiful young boy witht the most infectious smile that just changed my life. I am so happy that you send your mom sweet lady bugs she so needs them. You are everything beautiful and pure in this world of craziness. I cant wait to get dirty during the mud festival and let my boys run crazy and honor you. Love you and miss you superTy.

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  12. Cindy, It is always so nice to find out how you are doing because you are such an amazing person. I think about your family often and have Ty's picture up with the cancer awareness note. Never to come down. Emily hoboken

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  13. Your first paragraph caught my attention, it was as if you were speaking directly to me. I cried the whole while reading this. I know we can never feel the depths of your despair, I would never pretend to understand what you and your entire family have been through and will continue to go through but I follow your blog and think about your Ty quiet often. I look for him too, I am the one in Tennessee that has found the action figures on the fence line in my back yard, I bring them in and clean them up and put them in my China cabinet and when anyone asks me what those 'toys' are doing next to all that 'fine china' I tell them they are in honor of SUPER TY.

    Thank you for taking the time to blog and letting us have a small glimpse into your family, the good and the horrendous.

    My grandbaby is 3 1/2 years old, she lives with me and because of Ty she ALWAYS gets to jumps in any puddle we walk by. Even when she dressed in her best, we honor Ty.

    Your family stays in my good thoughts and prayers.

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  14. You are such an amazing person. If everyone who reads your blog just donates one dollar that would be thousands towards research

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  15. I have an 85 year old friend who has lost all but one of her 4 sons. Most recently from cancer. She is always finding pennies in the strangest of places. They just show up inexplicably from out of the blue. She and I both believe these to be signs from her sons. What a beautiful and awe inspiring photo, absolutely strengthens my waivering faith. Thank you

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