Friday, October 26, 2012

Who will put the love in my coffee??

Every morning, I make coffee.  I am completely in love with my morning cup (or three), and I don't know how I could start the day without it.   But since Ty died, I have had a very hard time making my coffee in the morning.  And, every day it tastes absolutely terrible.  Gross, in fact.  I might have to go out for coffee in the morning from now on...
 
Since we moved to Pawling, three months after his original cancer diagnosis, Ty and I started a coffee ritual.  Ty's legs were so weak but his upper body was strong (at the time), so I often let him sit on the counter in our new kitchen so I could do what I needed to do without him feeling left out - not even for one second.  One of the most important of which was making coffee.  Ty and me, we were two peas in a pod.  We did EVERYTHING together.  I can't tell you how lonely I am now.  For the first time in so long, I am having a hard time explaining my grief.  I don't even understand it myself.  I can go hours and hours thinking I'm just fine, and then it hits me like a swift kick to the ribs out of nowhere.  The simplest things can trigger it at any time, and God does it hurt.  So much. 
 
Here he is, my Ty, helping me in the kitchen. 
 
 
I always liked to tell Ty that he was putting the love in my coffee (or as Ty would say, "putting the wub in my coffee.")  When he was strong enough, he helped me scoop the coffee into the coffee pot and flip the "on" switch.  When he got too weak to sit on the counter and help make the coffee, I would pour a cup and bring it over to him on the couch so he could help pour the milk and sugar in it (the "wub").  When that became too clumsy for him to help with, I would bring my coffee over with a spoon so he could add the love by stirring.  And when he wasn't able to stir anymore, even with my help, I had him blow on my coffee so I could have some "wub" in my coffee.  He never let me get a cup without it.  It's the same with cuddling up at night.  I don't think there was a night where I didn't hear him whisper, at one point or another, "I want to snuggle you!"  God, I was the luckiest woman alive.
 
Ty on the counter in Daddy's hat, with Blue Lollipop lips, January 2011

 
Now I'm left to wonder... what is my future going to be like without Ty in it?  I can't stop looking for him everywhere.  Especially on the couch.  This damn couch that we bought for him when we moved here.  I wish I couldn't sit in his spot like I am right now, because I wish he was here instead.  I wish I didn't have so much room in my bed at night.  I wish I didn't look in my rearview mirror and see Gavin instead of Ty.  I guess I should be embarrassed to say it, but it's TRUE.  I don't love Gavin less, but Gavin used to sit in the car seat behind me, and Ty was always diagonally across so I could see him the easiest.  It's not fair for Gavin, when you consider that he is the youngest and otherwise more worthy of my attention in that regard, but when Ty got sick all of that changed.  Like a screetching record.  Everything normal became abnomal.  Everything happy became a sad reminder of the truth that was our lives. 
 
What is our future as a family going to look like?  What should I do with all of Ty's amazing "stuff."  What do we do with his bedroom?  Who will hang the first ornament on the Christmas tree this year?  Oh, God, Christmas is going to be pure hell.  Ty has hung the first ornament on our tree since the day he was born.  How will we ever survive that holidays?
 
Ty helping place the first ornament, December 2010
 
I don't even have the heart to let Gavin wear half of Ty's clothes.  Do you know how hard it is to put one of Ty's shirts on Gavin now that he fits into them?  It's torture.  I'm trying so hard to be practical and normal about this, but there is nothing normal about a five year old boy dying.  I just can't do the right thing for poor Gavin because it all makes me so sad.  But, how much stuff can a person save.  I have boxes and boxes and boxes.  When is enough enough?  I think probably never.

 
Before I allow myself that pity party, though, I should tell you that Gavin is doing so well.  Thank God for his school where he is doing so many fun things (like pumpking picking with Grandma and his class)!
 

 
My biggest fear is that Gavin expects Ty to come home.  Ty spent so much time in the hospital over the years, that there are times I worry Gavin just thinks he is away for a while.  We tell him all about how Ty is with God in heaven, but still, how much can a three-year-old boy understand.  Today he pooped on the potty and told me he wanted to save it for Ty so he could see it when he got home.  Heart... Spoon.... This happens a lot.  But it's only been a week, of course we need to give Gavin time.  He's just a baby. 
 
There are two other things that happened with Gavin worth mentioning.  First, on the day Ty died, Gavin TOTALLY knew something very sad was happening.  I came downstairs early in the day because I heard him in absolute hysterics.  Poppa told me that he mildly scolded Gavin (and it was justified, of course), but barely in a way that should cause him to react so dramatically.  Gavin could not get a hold of himself.  I'm telling you he was crying so hard he couldn't catch his breath.  I just scooped him up, and rocked him, and I told him "it's okay, I feel the same way.  Sometimes you can just be sad.  I feel the same way, today." That -- in an nutshell -- comforted him completely. 
 
The other thing that has happened is that Gavin refuses to say his prayers at night.  Isn't that weird?  He gets upset with me every night and tells me he doesn't want to say prayers!  I try to convine him to do a shorter prayer than the usual and he still says no.  Then I ask him if we can just say goodnight to Ty, and goodnight to God, and he always says okay to that.  Kids are so much more intuitive than we realize.  There is so much going on in that little head of his, I am proud to be his mommy.  I hope he will be okay.  I know he must be so upset over Ty, he just doesn't know how to express it.

The last time we bathed Ty -- after he died -- I had taken off all of my jewelry because I wanted to be so incredibly gentle with him.  I hadn't done that since he and Gavin were tiny infants, and it was as if I was coming full circle.  Before that, I was wearing so many religious and "good luck" bracelets... it's like they were all part of the healing ritual for Ty.  Now that he's gone, I can't bring myself to put that jewelry back on.  I can't bring myself to even say the "Hail Mary" because I changed the last verse to pray for "Ty's healing" instead of "Our Sinners" and I get so mixed up now.  The funny part is that when we had a family prayer at our home during the first prayer chain for Ty, I heard my mom saying the Hail Mary with the group, and she had habitually changed the ending to address Ty as well.  Like mother, like daughter. 

Our prayers didn't keep Ty here on earth with us... but I do feel the power of prayer helping me get through the toughest days of my entire life.  I've said it before and I'll say it again... "people are good and kind."  God help us. 

XOXOX,
good night, Ty

191 comments:

  1. Still thinking of you and spreading the story of Super Ty to whomever will listen. And saying prayers for you & your family.

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    1. Still thinking about you, Lou and Gavin every day. Praying our Lord will comfort you and bring some rest and some joy.

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    2. Still thinking about you, Lou and Gavin every day. Praying our Lord will comfort you and bring some rest and some joy.

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  2. Cindy,

    I think of you every day and pray for strength for you, Lou and Gavin to get through these dark days. I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through.

    I'm sorry I missed the vigil last Sunday. What a beautiful tribute to your amazing little boy!

    With love and hugs,
    Brenda

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  3. Cindy,
    I think about you daily. I miss Ty terribly, and I didn't even know him. I cannot imagine your grief. As a mother, my heart bleeds for you. You should know that your emotions are normal. For anyone to tell you otherwise would be absurd. How does a mother cope with losing her first born? There are no "rules" for that. You, my dear, are dealing the best you can. You have a tremendous support group, but that is not expected to ease your pain. I pray for you...I pray all the time in hopes that one day you will be able to find joy in the little things. I pray God allows Ty to visit you every day. I hope you will share those experiences with us when they happen. You and Ty have changed my life and for that I am forever grateful. I will always fight in Ty's name to find a cure for pediatric cancer. Ty was an inspiration. You are an inspiration. The other day i heard someone say they wanted to meet their favorite celebrity when they die. Well, when I die, I hope to meet Ty so I can hug him and kiss him and THANK him for making me a better person. I don't know you Cindy, but you have my love and support...always! Xoxo

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  4. Cindy I am praying for you guys every spare second that I can. I think about you all and Ty so often. I hope that the pain I feel for you when I read this blog is the closest I ever come to a child and believe me when I say I ache for you. But I'm grateful for it for it so many reasons, not the least of which buheing that I hope every little shard of pain that we feel through you lightens your load if only by a featherweight. I would never placate you with anything as silly as to say it will get better with time. It won't, but like someone who learns to live with a catastrophic injury, you will learn to make accommodations for it. Right now everything is raw and new and even the slightest movement is traumatic, but eventually you will find the body and the soul creates new pathways to get us through. Ty was a ball of "wub" so big that when he died I believe with everything in me that there is some ofthat wub that blew into all of us. I know because I can feel him there, like the same feeling you get when you hear a giggle. I think you should still have coffee with him every morning, just that time as your "talk to Ty" time if the day, ask him to blow the love in your coffee. I guarantee he'll be there with some.

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  5. Cindy!

    I make sure I ready yours and Ronan blog every day no matter how busy my life is. It makes me be good human and a good mother. I am blessed to have beautiful boy, 5 yr old. He also sits with me and asks about Ty. I tell him that he is with God. :(

    It's painful to think even Ty is physically not with us. But only thing that makes me stop cry is that hopefully he will be pain free. I only wish if he was here with us pain free & alive.

    I support your fight against cancer and thank you for sharing Ty with us. We love you and Ty so much..

    Ty! We miss you & we LOVE you. We hope that you are safe up there and pain free.

    Cindy! May God give you strength to bear this painful moment. It's true parents die same day their child dies. :( It's very unfortunate that it happened to Ty and your family.

    :(

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  6. My heart aches for you all at this difficult time. I pray that you all will find comfort soon and your hearts will heal. I think of you and your family every day and of the loving bond you have with each other. I can understand the difficulty coping with the day to day rituals, I can't begin to imagine how hard it is, but it will get easier.
    Ty was so lucky to have you all as you were lucky to have had such an amazing little fighter. He is with you always in your heart and in all the signs you have seen...watching over you is the sweetest of all angels. Much Love from Myrtle Beach...

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  7. Dear Cindy,
    I have been reading Ty's story for about a year, and I have never posted on here. But tonight while I read your post and feel your raw pain, I have to say I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain. Also give yourself time you don't have to be practical. Take all the little shirts or pjs that Ty loved to wear and have them made into a blanket. I also have to say and I know you heard this so many times your words have made me a better mom, and for that I want to say thank you.

    P.S. decorate the Christmas tree in all of Ty's favorite candy

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    1. Great idea about decorating the tree with Ty's favorite candy. I am sure he would be smiling from Heaven when he sees that!!

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    2. I agree with Kat,

      How great would that be to decorate the tree with all of Ty's super hero's, favorite candy, movies and pictures of ty and all of you. A beautiful tribute to TY. I know Ty will be there celebrating with all of you, he will always be right next to you, he never left your side, I really truly believe that. He will heal you in his own special way.

      I wish your family so much strength through the dark and lonely days. My heart is in so much pain for your loss and can't imagine at all what or how you get through it.

      I wish your family stregnth through the dark and lonely days. My heart is in so much pain for your loss.


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    3. i love that idea about the tree too and the blanket from Ty's tshirts is a wonderful idea too!!

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  8. Cindy, my heart continues to ache for you all and I pray and talk to Ty regularly and ask God to ease some of your pain, but I know that's going to take time.
    After my sister passed away at 15, my mother wrestled with some of the same issues about her things and her room. We ended up keeping all of it throughout the house. Even after we moved there were still spots and corners of each room sprinkled with her belongings or posters, toys, pictures because as time passed, there were fewer and fewer things we could say "she touched this" or "she wore this" and we needed those things.
    I love you all and hope you find some peaceful moments amongst the heartbreak.

    -Brittany

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  9. Cindy,
    I just want you to know that there are people everywhere who are here for you and your family. Ty's story has touched me in a way nothing ever has. He has made me want to be a better person, a better mom. I have been looking into doing something to bring awareness to pediatric cancer in Ty's name. I will check with you first to make sure it's ok.
    I pray that you and your family have strength in the difficult days ahead. Just know that people like me are telling Ty's story to anyone who will listen.
    I hope he comes to you in you're dreams.
    Love from Jody, Amit, and Kai in Boston

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    1. Plz email me .. I have the same wish u do about pediatric cancer ..

      brewingtonsofii@yahoo.com

      thank u :)

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  10. As another reader said, it is as if Ty is a ball of 'wub' so big that his love blew all over the world and all over us. In the stardust, rainbows, sun showers and the wind.

    Please believe that Ty is still close by ~ and that his 'wub' is still here for you. Ty will never be far from his beautiful supermum.

    Ty and Gavin are my superheroes and you ~ you are their beautiful, amazing supermum.

    Thank you for letting us know how Gavin is doing ~ we love Ty's darling baby brother as much as we love Ty.
    Love,Judy






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  11. I have recently become addicted to your blog. As a father of a three year old, I could not even begin to imagine what Ty and your family have been through. I started reading your blog last Thursday, and have wept through several of your entries. This is by far the most heart wrenching and inspiration blog i have ever read! I hope Ty will continue to comfort you with signs.

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  12. I miss Ty. You've had to be so strong for such a long time, and now....now you have a hole in your heart and in your life. Just like you told Gavin, it's okay to feel bad....all of us who came to love Ty feel the same way (only none of us can know how deep your pain is). Let yourself grieve, and share it with us, because if doing that can take just the tiniest edge off your pain, then we'll all feel better. We've come to love and admire you and your family, but don't think you have to be strong for us. Be fair to yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

    Someday you will find yourself smiling or laughing about something, and it will shock you, and frighten you a little, but just realize that it's okay, because it doesn't mean you love Ty any less, or miss him any less, it will just mean that you've gotten used to him being in your heart instead of on the couch. I won't patronize you by saying "life goes on" because I know from experience that it only goes on because we have no other options, not because it gets better. When you suffer such a paralyzing loss, it's impossible to understand how the world keeps going on around you, when your whole world just came to a screeching halt.
    Be good to yourself....you deserve it.

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    1. Beautifully written and so true...

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    2. Wonderful words of comfort & wisdom.

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  13. Cindy, omg.....my heart aches for you and your family. I know this is a hard time for you, Lou and Gavin. In reading your blogs the one thing you reitterate over and over again is how strong and full of life Ty was after all that he has been thru-whether he was walking, crawling, just laying there or giving a simple smile. Every picture of him that i look at and see those wonderful clear blue eyes you can't help but feel how special he was, he knew things most of us will never know in our lifetime-that was the beauty of Ty. It saddens me to read about your morning rituals with Ty and putting wuv in your coffee, and hearing you say how you wish you saw Ty instead of Gavin in the car- as hurt and disturbing as that was to hear. IT IS NORMAL-we all have diff ways of grieving and we all say things we don't really mean it's a part of life. I will say this: if it were you that were sick and passed-how would you want your kids to remember you, how would you want them to move on. You see, Ty left you with a great gift. You can make all new memories with Gavin and share with him all that you have shared with TY. Yes, as sad as it is that Ty is not up with you to make coffee you can let Gavin put his wuv in your coffee. Ty is with you always. You would not want either of your kids to give up and stop living. Your son has made an impact on us all, as have you-you have shared a wonderful gift with the world-now you can share that "precious gift" w/ Gavin. And you can share his story with us. It will never stop hurting i'm sure but i do believe the more you speak of him and share your story whether it is with us or your son-it will make it easier. You know we always think that kids don't understand whats going on but they know and understand more than we think. I send nothing but love, strength and courage to you and your family. Much love, TINA FIORE RYE BROOK, NY

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    1. Agreed.....Baby Gavin needs you and you need him......

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    2. I'm worried for Gavin. I feel he has already suffered so much and he has to live his life with the scars of all this. Ty's suffering is over but Gavin's continues. Heartbreaking.

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    3. Gavin is an important person in his own right..not a replacement for Ty or second best. After all, he is a young child who has been brought up in a family in crisis.

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    4. I am not worried for Gavin. You are an amazing Mom and have had to deal with so much more than many of us Moms will ever have to deal with in a lifetime. I admire your honesty. We all care about you, Cindy, and know your love for Gavin is the same as Ty's. Great idea of having Gavin put the wub in your coffee. Any time you feel sad it may help to
      shower Gavin with love and pass on the rituals
      you had with Ty. That is what Ty would want.:-)

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    5. Gavin needs some attention cause one day he will read this and always feel second best, sad

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  14. After reading your blog about the ladybugs, I have to tell you my story. My mom passed away at the age of 90. Everyone called her an "angel" during her long, healthy life, not only because she was kind and caring, but also because she believed in angels. On the day of her cremation, my sister and I were driving along a popular road in semi-rural Delaware (where my Mom and sister lived). It was raining, but suddenly streams of sunlight shone down through the clouds. I told my sister this looked like the paintings depicting Jesus' ascending into Heaven, and I believed it was Mom's ascention. She laughed at me, but I said, "Mom, if that is you, then give us a sign - send us a fox". We drove for awhile and no fox. Just before our trip ended, I had to pull to the side of the road to make a call to a friend who we were meeting for dinner, and as I reached into the back seat to get my phone, there, on the side of the road was a fox! Shortly after that, a cloud appeared in the sky - this cloud was clearly in the shape of an angel! My sister was no longer a skeptic.

    Two years later, my sister passed away. On the morning of the day she died, while I was on my way to the hospital, I saw a hawk circling over my car. Ever since then, whenever I've had a tough time, I've spotted a hawk. This is unusual because I live in the suburbs of Long Island.

    One day last year I was working in my gardens, when I heard the cry of a hawk. I looked up, and directly overhead were 2 hawks circling over me. Later that day, my husband suddenly took ill and I had to call an ambulance. He died later that week. I believe those hawks were my mother and my sister letting me know they were there for me. Recently, during a particularly difficult time in my life, I spotted 3 hawks circling over my house.

    I do believe with all my heart that God allowed Ty to send you a sign with those ladybugs, letting you know that he's okay and he "wubs" you.

    God bless

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  15. Just a few opinions ..

    with your blog, maybe if you wrote to both Ty && the readers, u would strt to "adjust" to the new life u have ..

    with the couch , don't push yourself .. just like your body has to do aftr giving birth. allow yourself time for your soul to partially heal .. because it Will never fully heal

    As for tys clothes .. again allow your time to heal ..

    With his room, just let it be ..

    I want ur family to kno, Ty Will never leave yalls side

    Its not going to get much easier, because your always going to look for Ty ..

    but u do have to live it up with Gavin like u did with Ty ..
    because Gavin deserves tht .. && yes it Will be hard, but imagine seeing the happiest little boy out there because he'll have his mommy && daddy there forevr more ..

    Ty has affected so many people .. as has little Ronan .. we will end up making a difference ..

    No baby deserves to go thru wht Ty did ..
    no baby deserves any of tht .. no family deserves tht type of suffering ..


    && I'm very sorry for your loss ..
    I kno everyone here is ..

    prayers will always be there for y'all

    && for Gavin acting up,
    all kids have an awareness out there for whts really going on ..

    I think its because their little souls are so pure .. they can see more than us as adults can

    because ny son the othr day, the othr morning said he finally got to play with Ty ..

    maybe he did .. all I kno is he says he had "coo hair" lol

    for the love in ur coffee, maybe make it tradition .. make Gavin blow some wub in ur coffee, && anothr idea .. set a coffee cup with a spoon in it nxt to Ty .. :) tht way you'll nvr forget .. as if forgetting would evr be an option ..


    I wish the best for y'all .. give Gavin plenty of love tonight .. imagine his life as if it were the last child on earths .. live it up .. its just you guys against the world now .. with Ty fighting off all the monsters in the way :)

    Love && prayers sent yalls way from Centerville tn ,

    aiden ((3)), Jr ((1)), && sofii <33

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  16. P.s your not a horrible mother .. its part of the suffering process


    expect to be numb for quiet some time

    && when you do finally hit tht grieving stage
    allow yourself some time for tht grief ..

    Ty will soothe u .. no child likes seeing their mommies or daddies sad .. always remembr tht

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  17. Please be strong. Gavin, ur family and many of your readers need you. XOXO _<3

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  18. There is nothing in life that prepares you for the loss of your baby, I can tell you this with a certainty as I have lost two of my own. As parents we anticipate every moment of how their lives will be lived out, the hopes we have for their future, the love that would make us throw ourselves in front of a train to save them, but nothing says how to prepare for the devastation you feel when that journey is cut so short. What I can tell you is that you don't ever get 'over' it, not ever, but you do learn to live with it and over time what is a raw, painful, fearful, ache in your heart gradually wears down into something smaller and more manageable.

    Just take a few minutes at a time and then 15 minutes and then a few hours and one day you'll be surprised that you made it through a much longer period of time before your grief came back. All of the feelings you tell us about are totally natural dear one, and you are handling it all with grace and strength which is beyond comprehension at times, I pray that your pain will become a tiny bit more manageable today, hold on to those that love you and give yourself time you are one strong lady. xoxo

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  19. we are praying for your faimly. all you can do is take one day at a time.our lord jesus christ. will help you threw this.it's great that you are still keeping us inform. i been reading this blog everyday since the begining and worry about how you faimly is doing. and like everyone else. i miss ty too. i want only the very best for all your faimly

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  20. I have no words of advice for you right now. Advice always made me angry when my loss was so fresh/ new. This is your loss, your grief. You need to allow yourself that...whatever it may be and as long as it's safe. We all know you love Gavin so very much. No need to explain yourself. Missing Ty with you always and sending much love and strength your way. I am so very, very sorry. It's just not right!

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  21. Cindy, I am glad you are still posting to us, maybe putting your pain and grief into words will help you get through this terrible time. Like you have said, it is therapeutic. Even though you don't "know" most of us, we are here for you and we cry and grieve with you. We fell in love with Ty through these posts! I am forever changed because of your little boy and he was a miracle on this Earth. I will never understand why this had to happen to your child, or any child for that matter. Just know that Ty's life did MATTER and he will NEVER be forgotten by any of us. I just hope that we can help eradicate pediatric cancer and we will do what it takes to raise awareness. ALL FOR SUPERTY!! God Bless you and keep you, and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

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  22. Jennifer Lake Grove, NYOctober 26, 2012 at 7:07 AM

    You can't be expected to do the right thing for Gavin right now. It's too soon. Just do the best you can when you can. He is a lucky little boy because he has a family who loves him and they will do all they need to, like Grandma taking him to the pumpkin patch. I went to the mall the other day and was thinking of you. I thought how will she ever do the normal things like shopping when everywhere you look there is a reminder of Ty. I walked by Build A Bear and there was a Teddy bear in a Captain America outfit. I mentioned that to my sister and she said that maybe that would bring you comfort if you saw it. I didn't think of that.
    I have had a couple of signs from Ty and it makes me feel so good. One is my daughter and I were in Target the other night in the food section. My daughter said "look what someone left here. They are so cute!" I quickly glanced over and then looked again because they were Captain America sneakers on the Entenmanns shelf. Made me smile!! She also got a few TY (the brand) stuffed animals and she was playing with them. She held one p and asked me if I thought he was cute and told me his name was Louis. Not a common name for a child to name their TY stuffed animal. This was also while I was playing soccer with my son - something I have never done. Usually my husband does the sports thing but he was doing yardwork and my son wanted to play. Normally I would have said no because I had things to do but I thought of Ty and said yes. My son laughed so much that even my husband commented how he kept looking at what we were doing. I told him I was playing for Ty.

    Thinking of Ty always. xoxo

    -Jennifer

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  23. Thinking about you and your family always. You are stronger than I could ever hope to be, Cindy. The world misses Ty, but I know he will always be with you smiling his great big smile. Love and prayers.

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  24. Hi Cindy, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to see Gavin in Ty's clothing. Your wounds are so fresh and raw. How could it not be painful ? Give yourself some time. Maybe someday soon you will feel differently and you might smile at the thought of Gavin wearing his big brother's hand-me-downs. Maybe you won't and that is okay too. Perhaps you can make a quilt out of Ty's old t-shirts and when you want to feel his arms around you you can wrap the quilt around your shoulders? You are always in my thoughts and prayers.xoxo Claudine

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  25. Your family will heal with time. No one ever said you needed to get rid of Ty's things. Hospice has grief counseling available to you and your family. You need to take advantage of it. Ty was a part of you and still is now. You are and always will be his mom. Lou will always be his dad. I hope that you find the strength to start healing. Maybe you and Gavin could start a new routine of going out to get coffee in the morning. I have 4 children and I can't imagine losing one of them. Stay strong. Time heals all

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  26. Cindy, nothing you do right now will seem normal. And I believe that all of the prayers helped to set Ty free. I personally think he stayed as long as he did for you guys, but when he felt secure enough to go, he did. He is gone but will never be forgotten. Try to be comforted by all of the special things/events that are going on around you in Ty's honor, to hopefully, one day, be able to say that because of Ty, other children do not have to suffer. I will never understand why God takes children, I can only imagine that Ty is up there having fun and making new friends and still watching over you. Maybe he isn't ready to put the love back in your coffee, maybe it is too soon. But maybe one day you will go to make it and it will taste right, and that will be the day that he did put the love in. It is still very raw and very real for you Cindy. Gavin will be fine because he had a super hero for a brother, even for just a few years, and he has AMAZING parents in you and Lou. So, don't worry about him. Focus on your process right now, your healing. And remember that Ty is all around you. When you sit on that couch, he is by your side. God Bless you guys!!!! xoxoxooxooxoxo

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  27. Cindy to say you are an amazing mom is such an understatement. You have taught me to be a better mom. You have taught me to stop rushing through the days, to enjoy every second because nothing is guaranteed. I have been following your blog for some time and bawl my eyes out everytime. Ty has touched so many people, and will continue to do so, you should be so proud.

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  28. I think about you and your family each day. You ara an amazing mom and person. I hope you feel all the love that is out there for your family and that it is able to guve you some comfort.
    Julie in MN

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  29. My child has been sick, too, and I think if he was gone and I had another child... I would feel how painfully inadequate that remaining child was in satisfying my desire for the other child. I think that's so natural. YOU JUST WANT TY. I don't have any words of wisdom, because I don't think there are any. I feel pretty sure this horrible process is one you have to figure out for yourself. You are such a wonderful person - so intuitive and so open to all possibilities - I know you will manage to take your grief and make it into something you can live with. That said, I'm so, so, so sorry that you have to. Still praying for your family every day.

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  30. Cindy, you and your family are still in my and my family's thoughts and prayers. Your words continue to awe and inspire me.

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  31. Hi Cindy, I think about you everyday and wonder how you and your family are doing. I was at the memorial service/bridge lighting last week. I wanted to express my condolences in person but there didn't seem to be the right opportunity. I can't imagine what you are going through. It must be so difficult. They say with grief you shouldn't make any big changes in you life for a year. I thought about that couch, and the spot where Ty spent his days. How would they ever be able to keep it. Maybe it will bring you comfort at some point. Right now all you can do is take it moment by moment. It's all so new and fresh.


    Be sure to take care of yourself and give Gavin all the love and attention he needs right now, which I'm sure you are already doing. It's just going to take time to find the "new normal" in your lives.

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  32. I think it would be hard to hand down Tys clothes I say don't!!! Put it away and get Gavin his own stuff..then u wont have to deal with it might be a waste of money but worth it! You are a amazing mom & women....you make me a better mom I'm so so very sorry for your loss.....its so unfair!!!

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  33. Cindy- I have been thinking so much about you and yoru family and how you are getting through each day. You are an amazing mother and none of this makes any sense at all. I truly belive that your beautiful Ty is watching over you though and I hope that you will be able to start to feel him around you eventually. It's so hard. I remember when my mother died prematurally from cancer,thinking that life would never feel normal again and that I would never get over the sadness. I guess you just learn to live with the sadness and somehow it gets easier. Yet, you always feel that loss and remember the love. I used to pray that she would come to me in my dreams so I could be with her again and she did and still does. I know that Ty will do the same for you. Gavin is lucky to have such loving parents. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Stay strong.

    Ann from Buffalo

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  34. Cindy & Lou,

    I think about you all the time. I just can't imagine how you feel and what you are going through. I would imagine the void is huge, and I don't know it will ever be filled.

    I have thought about being in your situation a thousand times. What would I do? How would I handle it? I have no idea and just the thought petrified me.

    I just came across another womans story. She just lost her son a few days ago from Cancer. He was 3 and his name is Reilly. She blogs too and in one of her posts she wrote how she doesn't want her older son to touch any of Reilly's toys or touch his things. She felt comfort when I told her that you felt the same with with Gavin and Ty's bath toys. I would have imagined that I would want one of my sons to do everything my son did if I were to lose one. But guess what? I can imagine all I want or think whatever because I am NOT in this situation. I have NO idea what it feels like to lose a child. My heart breaks for you and all the other parents going through this.

    I have been told lately that I have become "obsessed" with Pediatric Cancer! Why do you continue to read things that make you cry? People have actually have said that to me and my response is "AND WHATS YOUR POINT?" I am obsessed with it and I am damn proud of that. Maybe a shirt? "Im obsessed with Pediatric Cancer and the lack of funding! Maybe you should be obsessed too!" I mean, shame on me! I should have picked something else to be obsessed over maybe drinking or something else that is unhealthy and not productive!

    I have said it a thousand times, and I will say it again. Your family and your special boy have changed me forever. Maybe my "obsession" will do some good. Actually, it already has done some good things!

    I worry about Lou and think about him constantly. A man is expected to stay so strong. My heart breaks for him too.

    Thinking of you always. Ty is with you blowing wub into your morning coffe, I just know it. . .

    Joy Marielle
    Baltimore, MD

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    1. I love that shirt idea Joy - I'd buy one!! I'm sure people think the same of me but no ones said it my face, yet. Seriously might have to get me one of those......

      and the people that are saying that to you, just haven't gotten the message yet is all. and for them I pray that pediatric cancer does not touch their life because unfortunately that's the only way they are going to "get it".....stay strong in your belief and keep doing what you're doing!!!

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    2. Donna,

      Your right. I am SO lucky to have had the opportunity to have Ty enter my life! He has changed me forever and I will NEVER forget him or stop sharing his story. My facebook may as well be Ty's facebook ;)

      No one knows about going gold, but the truth is, I wouldn't have known about it if it wasn't for Ty. Now I do and I will never forget.

      I like the shirt idea too! Maybe we will have to get a few made!

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  35. I continue to pray for all of you -- and to cherish every moment with my family -- as well as the kiddos I teach. I can't imagine facing the changes your family now does and experiencing your grief, but I will pray to help you through. A friend of our family has a boy who has battled illness his entire life. I believe that God shines through this child in an amazing way -- one way in particular is through an amazing connection he still has with a little angel who went to heaven several years ago. The most recent blog from the family shares a story (especially the part at the end) that really touched me -- perhaps it will be helpful for you, too. http://rowansstory.blogspot.com/

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    1. They know Rowan already, he was Ty's roommate in the hospital.

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    2. Ronan was his roommate. Rockstarronan.com, his mama's blog is heartbreaking as well.

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  36. My heart aches for you right now, I can't imagine the pain you are going through. You are entitled to all of the crazy feelings going through your head. It will take time for you to sort thru them and figure out how best to handle but you can do it. Stick to your instincts. it has work before and will continue in the future. You are so strong.

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  37. Morning,

    Lou, Cindy & Gavin, My continued thoughts & prayers are with all of you at this time.

    Ty, has become my inspiration to become an active voice in increased awareness of & funding for pediatric cancer research. Ty's courageous & heartbreaking journey has made me much more aware from a human perspective the toll & tragedies that are the all too common realities for the children & their families who are effected by pediatric cancer.

    Thank you for sharing your family's heartbreaking & courageous journey.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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  38. Cindy, I can't stop thinking about you all. I think and pray for you multiple times a day. And I tell new people about Ty every single day. Yesterday it was especially warm out for this time of year and my 2-year old was playing chalk with the older neighborhood kids. One suggested we "water" the trees they had just drawn. After I helped my son use the watering can, I suggested we make puddles and jump in them. The kids went bonkers, they were so excited that I would suggest that! As they jumped and splashed and laughed, I cried and prayed that Ty was watching them and knowing and he has made a forever impact in our lives.

    we all love you, and we love Ty. This morning, I am going to have my boy put a little love in my coffee and hope that you will be able to taste it again soon.

    Hillary in Virginia

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  39. Oh Cindy ..... :( one day at a time. Maybe this Christmas Gavin can hang Ty's ornament. I have 3 boys and I love them all with my everything! But my relationship with each one is different just as yours is. I think we tend to feel guilt but I think its all normal. We bring different feelings and meaning in to lives. You're doing awesome! Just one day at a time. Slow deep breaths. Peace and love to you all. Lora

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  40. I think about you and your husband and Gavin and Ty every single day! First thing in the morning, throughout the day and every night before I go to bed. I can't imagine, the feelings you are feeling, the pain you are feeling, the grief you are feeling, the loss you are feeling. There's something special between a mom and a child... it's like they are a extension of our souls and to lose a part of you, is just the hardest pain any person has to endure. You are an amazing person, an amazing mom, and such a strong women. You may not feel like it now because inside you are just feeling turmoil. I hope that in time you can feel some peace, there will always be a void in your family, but Ty is still there in all of your hearts! Hang onto little Gavin! He may not understand completely, but he feels the loss too! Give him lots of hugs and kisses and know that Ty will always live on... he is your special angel looking down on you, comforting you when you are sad, laughing with you when you are happy and will live on for eternity in your hearts!!! When you are making your coffee, he is right there next to you, putting all the love he can in that cup!! You are forever connected!!

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  41. Cindy:

    I hate cancer with every ounce of my being and then some. But, I hate grief. It hurts and it tears us a part and I hate that only time lets us work through our grief. What I wish is we were closer and I could hug you and tell you to just cry and hug you harder and I could make it all better. I will tell you what I did when I lost my second baby, I was so hurt, I was mad I was not functioning and it seemed no one cared. Up until then I begged, pleaded, bargained even offered my soul if I could just hold my baby. I walked into church and thought if I asked for forgiveness maybe God would find some good and let me carry a baby and just hold it. That was all I asked was the privelege to hold my baby, touch, kiss and love for a moment and then He could take my baby home. So I went to confession and the Priest gave me my penance. My penance, I was so angry - had I not already been doing penance, had the losses of my babies not been cruel enough. Well, I walked into church, I was alone, I looked up at Christ with his arms spread wide and it hit me - those arms were not for me - I was so mad, I looked up said some very not nice words that should not come out of anyone's mouth, turned and walked out with as much disrespect as I could. I was broken. It took a long time to return to God but I know this, He never left me even when I did. It hurt, it changed me. I had to choose when I was ready, how I wanted all this to change me. I could continue to be bitter, angry and strike out at the world or I could taken my pain and turn it into compassion.I eventually did the later. My point is, give yourself the time but don't go the route I took for awhile, grab Lou and Gavin and hug, love, let the hurt out, let Ty in. None of this is right, fair and NO ONE shoud have to go through what you all did and continue to do. I don't know you, but I love you.

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  42. I am so glad you posted! I look constantly even throughout the day knowing you only post during the night but in a way I guess I just want to make sure you are O.K. whatever that is supposed to be. I guess I should say functioning. Honestly, forget making coffee, I don't know how you get out of bed at all.

    You are just going to have to take one day at a time and go from there. I would leave Ty's room as is and maybe just set aside one shirt for Gavin and explain to him that it makes you sad when he wears Ty's stuff. It's just so hard to know what is going on in little Gavin's head. He probably looks at the couch wondering where Ty is too.

    I guarantee you Ty is in your house floating around sprinkling love all over including in your coffee mug :) I often wonder why God could never put a telephone in heaven so we could talk to our loved ones. My father passed away last year and I have voice messages from him saved and I still cannot listen to them. I have tried and it just makes me so sad and makes me angry at God. I know I should never be angry at God but I don't know who else to be angry at. Death just sucks!

    I am still praying for you guys and actually think about you 10,000 times a day. Your life completely puts my life into perspective. Here is an example, my husband just walked into our bedroom where I am typing this and was complaining to me about having to spend an extra 1,000 dollars on plywood for our roof repairs, he was going on and on and I turned and looked at him and said, "You aren't getting any sympathy for me because we are healthy and our children are healthy."Would you rather spend money or deal with the death of one of our children?" His response was," I will talk to you later when you get off of there". He just doesn't get it.

    I will be thinking of you guys today praying you get through the day and have loving and happy Ty memories. If you want to do nothing all day then do nothing. Granted you still have to care for Gavin which in a way I think would help a little because it occupies your mind. I just pray you guys have as good of a day as can be expected. I will look for ladybugs today :)

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  43. Cindy, I have been reading your blog since Christmas Eve two years ago when I saw it on AOL news. I have shared Ty's story with so many of my friends...I am amazed by your love, dedication & loyalty as a mother. You are my hero because through Ty you have reached so many in ways you will never know:) I wanted to comment because I saw some great ideas from you comments just now...I think taking Ty's clothes, pj's and making a blanket is an
    AMAZING suggestion. I had a friend who took all her sons baseball jerseys through the years and made one and it is beautiful. You, Lou or Gavin can "snuggle" with Ty forever :) I can send a pic if you like. Also, don't be hard on yourself...don't feel guilty and just love GAVIN everytime you feel empty. Also, making the Christmas tree in remembrance of Ty was another great suggestion...pictures, toys, candy...how awesome and Gavin would love it. ONe last thing...don't do anything with his room...you need a place to remember him as things were. There is no hurry for anything uncertain. Love your family so much:) By the way, I refer to you as my "blog friend" :)

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  44. Cindy, not a day goes by where I don't think about you and your family. I pray that God continues to give you the strength to get through the tougest of days. God Bless all of you.

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  45. I think of Ty a lot. Even though I was not lucky enough to meet him I feel as though I did because of your beautiful blog. My son is 6 and every night he tells me he loves to snuggle with me! Now I will hold him tighter every night and say a prayer for you and your family and thank Ty for helping me appreciate life and know that every minute is precious. Stay strong.

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  46. Hi Cindy- I think about you constantly and wonder how you have been getting through each day. As far as Ty's "stuff" goes, you don't need to decide what to do with it now. I think you'll know when the time is right to make a decision. After my sister died, we had to go to her apartment in Washington DC where she was living at the time, and clean out her stuff. Her stuff sat in her old room at my parent's house in boxes for about 10 years. When my parents sold their house, that is when we went through it and decided what to keep, what to give away, and what to throw out. Before that, nobody could bear to make a decision. We were too consumed with grief to make any rational decisions.
    I also want to tell you about an organization that really helped my parents after my sister died. It is called Compassionate Friends. It is a support group for parents who have lost children. My sister was many years older than Ty, but my parents have friends that they met through compassionate friends that lost young children too. In particular, one boy was 7 and another one 8. It was very comforting for my parents to sit and talk about what they were going through with people who understood themselves. They didn't go to compassionate friends immediately. For the first year they went to a therapist who specialized in bereavement. Eventually the therapist told them she thought they were ready for a support group. For many years they went to meetings and are still somewhat involved. More importantly, they have a whole network of "new friends" now who understand what they have been through.
    If you are interested, I took the liberty of looking up some information on a chapter close to you. The closest one is in Danbury. Here is the info. if ever want to check it out:

    Danbury
    Danbury Area Chapter of TCF (12.99 miles)

    Chapter#: 2078
    Karen (845) 225-5895

    Meeting Info: 4th Tuesday of each month 7:15 pm
    Meeting Address: Healing Hearts, 73 Stadley Rough Rd, Danbury, CT 06811

    Take one day at a time. I know thinking about Christmas is awful. It may be completely awful, but sometimes the anticipation of the holidays is worse than the real thing.

    Love,
    Kerrie

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    1. That was so good of you to do get that information. Often, the hardest thing for anyone suffering any kind of depression, is the initial seeking out of where to get help (as it seems, you're well aware). God bless you for posting this.

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    2. I agree... The Compassionate Friends is an amazing group and we have here in the uk too. It helped my parents a lot and me with their sibling off shoot SIBBS -support in bereavement for brothers and sisters
      Love Kirsty x x

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    3. I absolutely agree that sometimes the anticipation of the holidays or a special date is worse than the actual event! Not to say that the day isn't bittersweet, but it usually isn't as bad as I expected. But then something totally unexpected knocks you for a loop when you least expect it - life is strange that way. ~ Leslie

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  47. Cindy, you've just been through an incredible tragedy. It's completely normal to feel the way you are. Give yourself time, there's no need to think about Ty's room or his belongings just yet. My dog died over 4 years ago and I still have his collar hanging from my rearview mirror and sleep with his shirt every night. I just can't let go of them. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now. Have you thought about having Gavin talk to a therapist? They might have ways for Gavin to express his feelings and they could help explain the loss of Ty. I know some people thing therapy is hogwosh, but I went for a year for different reasons and it really helped.

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  48. Praying for you, your husband and Gavin. Of course a special prayer for Ty.

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  49. My heart continues to break for you, Cindy. I am so deeply sorry that you are all going through all of this. I know you will have days of hope (like your ladybug post), and days like this one. I know there is nothing "we" can do to change your reality, but please take comfort that there is a community of thousands of us thinking of, and praying for you.

    I hope that Christmas brings you peace, rather than sorrow. You brought up the Hail Mary. Maybe this Christmas season, you can focus on your very real connection with Mary - another mother who lost her son in a horribly painful way, and be comforted by the promise that you WILL be together again (and of course, the knowledge that he is with you this very moment). and hopefully Mary will give you the strength to make Christmas what it should be for Gavin - full of love and cheer ... and TOYS!!!!

    Thoughts and prayers always,
    Melanie

    P.S. - to others reading this comment -- please consider a gift of a donation to Ty's charity or something like St. Jude's this Christmas season. My husband gave me a "gift" of a sizable donation to St. Jude's last Christmas. That gift was more beautiful and meaningful to me than any pair of earrings or a sweater.

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    1. I love this idea and am going to tell my family to do that instead of gifts for me this year! I can't thhink of anything I would want more....Jean

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    2. You just gave me a big smile, Jean. :)

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  50. Dear Cindy, as always your words strike an arrow straight through a mother's heart and soul. Thank you for allowing us to share in your pain, to grieve with you, and to seize the inspiration that is Ty.

    I wanted to share this with you. Just last night, my 6-year old and I were talking about what the topic was in his religious ed class. The class had been introduced to the concept of patron saints, and each child had been asked to look into the saints who they may have been named after. My son's middle name is Matthew, so I started talking about how we should look up Saint Matthew's story. My son stopped me mid-sentence. He said, "Mommy, we learned that saints are special, they are brave, they are full of love, and they help us know God." Before I could gush with motherly pride that he was actually PAYING ATTENTION in class, my son continued: "My patron saint is Super Ty. I am going to call him Saint Ty from now on, and when I need to be brave, and good, and when I need help talking to God, I am going to ask Saint Ty to help me."

    Cindy, we had spoken about Ty's journey with our children. His struggles, his victories, his challenges, his joy and his peace have resonated so deeply with us as a family. But Ty isn't only reaching the adults among us. Children feel very strongly connected to him, learn from him, and through him understand the connection between this part of life as we know it, and the much bigger picture.

    So papal policy and protocol about canonization can take a leap out the window. Saint Ty is our patron saint, and there is no other person who has graced this earth that I would want my children to emulate as they go on their own journey, wherever it may take them.

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    1. What a great thing for your son to do!I cried reading that.So good to see how much of an impact Ty had on him....Jean

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    2. i love it - Saint SuperTy. Thanks so much for sharing

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    3. Saint SuperTy! Patron Saint of sick babies (and super heroes) :)

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    4. Oh My! That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.

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  51. Cindy,

    I saw a grief counselor after Tyler died and I occasionally attend a group that is comprised of parents whose children died from cancer. I do not believe that any group of grieving parents is the same. Having cared for a child who was ill for so long is different. I think I like the idea of Gavin wearing Ty's clothes. My son's clothing is all in his drawers except for the shirts we let his friends have. It makes me sad to know it's all there but I am not ready to part with any of it at all. If a quilt of his favorite clothing appeals to you, that is a very nice idea.

    The love in your coffee is a lovely ritual; perhaps Gavin can provide the love in the morning for you; something to think about. This first year after your loss will be like walking through a fog, surreal is a good description. The second year is not better either.

    You are strong and determined and have friends and family to care for and support you. Go slow, sit in Ty's spot on the couch and hold him close in your heart.

    Diane

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    1. The quilt is a lovely idea... a friend of mine lost her mother very suddenly to cancer last year. A family friend took some of her clothes and made adorable plush animals for the grandkids to snuggle with... another cute idea. :)

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  52. Everyday when I go to read your blog, I feel myself clenching my heart. There has not been a day that has gone by since last Wednesday where I havent cried for you, Lou, and Gavin. Not for Ty, because my faith and my own experiences have me certain of the fact that Earth is just a temporary place for all of us.I know he will find ways to reassure you that he is still with you.You had a love that nothing could ever touch, not even death can end love.The love continues and goes on and on, until you are together again. As we all are in the end. Last summer my cousin Ryan drowned on Fire Island. He was 26, and a lifeguard for years. It was just an unexpected thing, he went out for a night swim and was pulled out by a tide. A few days before he died he asked his Mom who worked at the libary to reserve a book for him called "Heaven Is For Real" about a little boy who had died(documented) and came back knowing all these things he had no knowledge of before his death. He was only 4. Anyway the book came in and of course he had just passed, but my Aunt took it home and read it, and it gave her alot of comfort. A final strange gift from her son. We will all be here to participate in any events you let us know about to raise money for Tys foundation. I cant wait to raise money for Walks and whatever else we can do to raise awareness. I know there are so many parents out there going thru the same heartache as you, everyday. We have to end this! When you are strong enough again, Ty will be the angel on your shoulder and the two of you will move mountains in ending the suffering of countless children.Until then scream, cry and feel all the feelings of it. Because thats the only way to get to the other side, where you can just feel happiness at the very thought of him, when you can see the meaning of his life was too change soooo many lives. And you are his messanger. Because of you we all fell in love with him, (crying now) and we are ready when you are to fight the fight for him. Tys life has and will change the world! We all love you Cindy!

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  53. There's really not much I can add but wanted you to know that the best thing you can do for yourself right now is nothing regarding Ty's things. You do need time to heal and allow yourself to grieve. A loss like you just suffered changes us forever. Only time is going to help you figure who you now are. Each of you in the family is going through the same thing even little Gavin. You're a great mom and I know you'll figure out how to help him through this time. Love to you Lou and Gavin. You are all in my prayers. Think of you guys all the time and again I am so sorry for your loss. Special prayers for Ty as well although I don't believe your baby needs them as I'm sure he was born with angel's wings.

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  54. Maya is having her moments when it just hurts so bad you can't believe it 16 months after and I can have the same moments 25 years later. Pain refelcts the love and you will always love Ty.
    You will sutvive , barely but you will. HUGGGGGG!

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  55. God Bless you and your family. May he bring you comfort during this time. I will always keep praying for your family Cindy. Know that you have so many people out there praying for you. We miss you Ty

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  56. CIndy,
    I check in on you each day and will continue to do so. I continue to pray for peace & strength for you & Lou to get through each day, one at a time. And for Gavin... to be able to come through this ok too. The pain is unbearable to read this. I know none of us can comprehend how it must be as the days are passing, as time settles in. We are all behind you and SO many of us see & feel TY around in the things we do & in the amazing changes so many of us have made & continue to make.
    I know everyone at this point is sick of me b/c for everything PINK I see, I ask if they know about GOLD. I got many people to sign the NFL pledge to go GOLD next Sept.
    And tomorrow morning, I will get one of my kids to put some "LOVE" in my coffee. Why not.... we're accomplishing mud puddles, more candy, sunny skies and the beauty of a new day. I hate to write it, but I do so only b/c you asked us to. TO be better parents.
    We think of Ty EVERY DAY and send you the warmest hugs of friendship & compassion. We love you all...
    Peace and Love Always.....
    Diane

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  57. I'm sitting here just crying for you. God bless.

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  58. Cindy -- I'm crying with you right now. I just don't understand why this has to happen to anyone. You are doing an amazing job going through all these days with grace. Know that there are a lot of us thinking of you all and praying for you.
    Laura

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  59. Cindy,
    I just want you to know that I will continue to pray for you and your family to get thru this and one day be able to go on without the heart wrenching pain. I know it will never go away, but some day it will get a little easier to get thru your days and nights.Please give gavin extra big hugs and kisses from us. He is so young and he really doesn't understand yet but he feels that something has changed and I'm sure he is missing Ty big time.help him be okay. I'm sure I don't have to say any of this, you and Lou are doing such a great job with your family but don't lose touch with each other either.Ty will be with you forever.I pray you find some peace in knowing how much all of us feel for you and wish we could change things so that none of this had ever happened.Thank you though for coming into our lives and letting us know Ty and all of you and the love we can feel thru you.God bless you and hold you in his arms....Jean <3

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  60. Cindy,
    I want you to know that You and Ty has changed my life which is causing a ripple effect in my family. i have not yelled at my kids in 8 days. I have a 7 year old daughter and a 2 year old son, Normally i come home from work stressed and tired, now i come home and hug and squeeze them till they are yelling at me to stop, lol. i would be the same way your feeling, down to not wanting gavin to play with ty's toys. I have been crying since i heard of Ty going to heaven. I am a social worker at a Drug and alcohol rehab, and have been telling Ty's story to whoever will listen, and it is changing peoples lives. I admire your faith in God, as i am the same way about saying my prayers at night. Maybe gavin can put the first ornament up this year, i am sure Ty will be right there helping his baby brother. I am a better mother because of you and Ty. I would do anything to make this pain less, but i know i cant and i am sorry for that. I check my email way too much waiting to see that you wrote something, to know how your doing, i will read indefintely and will continue to prayer for you, Lou and Gavin.
    Kristi conroy-garcia
    Westhampton NY

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  61. Cindy, you are such an amazing woman and mother. I am so glad you are still posting, you are on my thoughts always and in my prayers daily. I can't begin to imagine the pain and sorrow you are trying to deal with now, Ty's absence in this world is overwhelming. Sending you hugs from Portland, OR.

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  62. Morning...maybe our words will never even come close to making any of this one bit easier, or more clearer. But please know you have a world of people behind you. That your words mean more to us, and have such a strong meaning than you may even know. That includes you, Ty, your husband and Gavin. We are learning many things from you. And I thank you. Thank you for sharing your life. Sad, happy, terrible, horrible..spiritual, unsettling, but real. It may help parents across this Earth to open their eyes to real life. May your nights become less lonely. May your days become a little more peaceful. We certainly think about you, every. Single. Day. Lots of positive energy, and maybe some more lady bugs your way.....Lisa (Southern California). P.S I hope your coffee time comes back around some day soon...

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  63. Cindy,
    I just wanted to let you know that I still think and pray for you and your family everyday.
    Taciani

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  64. Gavin's needs and understanding can never be overlooked. At each developmental stage he will re-process the loss of his brother. He has had to cope with so much in his young life.

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  65. Cindy, I can't even imagine how you are feeling now with Ty up in heaven. The only words of comfort I can come up with are not to say that things will get easier as time goes on, but I think you will just be able to cope better with the "new" normal as time goes on. My brother was in a car accident in 2008 and has a traumatic brain injury that was/is devastating. I always think of the "old" normal and the "new" normal with him. My family's life will never be the same, we just get a little better coping with our situation now. And we have started new traditions...Maybe start a Christmas ornament tradition with Gavin, where he could hang the first ornament or angel at the top (Ty could be the angel). My prayers are always with you, Lou and Gavin. Sending you peace, light and love.

    Love always,

    Lisa & family
    Latham NY

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    1. LOVE IT...Instead of the angel/star(capt am ty) being the last thing, it can be the first! And all three of you can put the first ornament on altogether, everyones hand on it.

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  66. I want you, and especially Ty,to know how much you have affected me as a mother. My son just turned two and I no longer fret about the little things...messy house, dirty shirt, going outside with no shoes on...because when I hold him, kiss him and hug him; that is what matters, nothing else. You taught me to forget about the unimportant stuff and focus on the important.
    Ty's impact is far reaching, and we pray for him daily. When we prayed for Ty the Angel last night during prayers, Jack (the two year old) started laughing. I asked him why and he said "happy". Children are open and intuitive and I know he was saying that Ty is happy as an angel in heaven.
    You are so strong and I find myself thinking of you throughout my day. I can't imagine how you are finding the strength to go on, but I admire you, mother to mother, for doing it, for yourself, your husband, Gavin and especially Ty. His life here on earth has come to an end, so you now live life for him, with wonder, joy and strength and courage.
    You are amazing Cindy!

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  67. Always feel that whatever you are feeling is okay. You have a right to be sad. You have a right to go through the day just fine and all of a sudden...miss Ty tremendously. The important thing Cindy, is to keep the faith. Lean on family, friends and God. Those who truly love you (us included) will never tire of hearing how you really feel and are doing. I hope you can feel that you are loved by so very many people and who will continue to pray for you, Lou & Gavin as your family begins to move forward. Ty is still there with your putting the wub in your coffee...just give it time and you will feel him. You really are acceptional parents. You have a wonderful sense of how Gavin is feeling. He will understand all this because you and Lou are so open with him. Remind him that Ty is there too. Kids understand so much more than we do, don't they?

    Beautiful lady, please wake up each morning and go about your day knowing that prayers for you and your beautiful family are constantly being said.

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  68. Cindy,
    Hold tight to Lou and Gavin. You and Lou share a pain that only the two of you can help each other deal with. Your baby Gavin will be ok as long as he has his Mommy and Daddy to love him. Praying for your healing through the power of God.
    Joanne

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  69. I believe that Ty is with you always to give you "wub" - my goodness his preciousness, no wonder we've all fallen in love with him. Your way with words really make me feel like I'm there with you - that I can just see Ty stirring your coffee or blowing "Wub" in it. And the pictures of that cute face. I don't know how you guys are going to manage - it's going to be tough. You will make new traditions - and as sad as it will be to not have Ty hang the first ornament, imagine how proud Gavin would be if he's the one to get to do it. It will not be disrespecting Ty - and hopefully you guys will find ways to incorporate and honor him in the new traditions - I love the idea of hanging his favorite candies on the tree!! As for his things - take your time with that decision - you'll know when you're ready. Take every day moment by moment - it's ok for your emotions to be all over the place right now, how could they not!!! You are human. Someone else said what I thought was the perfect sentiment, be good to yourself, you deserve it.

    Thinking of you all always - I'll never forget Ty and will do all I can to spread his story and work on fighting pediatric cancers in his name. Sending love and strength.

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  70. I don't have anything new to add. I just want you to know that I'm here and I'm listening. We wish you all well every night. And I cry with you everyday.

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  71. Cindy
    It has been barely a week. You can't just change your entire way of life in a week.. Go easy on yourself. You are his Mom.. you need to grieve. You are just learning how to be a family without Ty's physical presence. If you don't feel right about giving Gavin Ty's clothes then don't. Maybe you let him pick out an article of clothes that he will feel special about. I don't know... it's all hard. I just know you took care of him for 5 years and you can't wake up and change in a day. Take care of yourself and feel whatever you need to.
    Kerry

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  72. Cindy, everything you are feeling is normal. When my brother, mom & dad passed away from cancer, I had those same feelings. One day sad, one day normal or I thought it was, another day angry at the world. I was confused, what to save, what to donate, when is the right time. There is no time, it's when your ready. The only thing I can advise you is go to counseling. Right now you may not be ready ( I recall saying I don't need to speak to a stranger) but as the mths went by, I felt as if I was drowning in my grief. Days when I acted as if it were ok, yet deep down I wanted to throw myself on the floor and scream! I wanted someone to understand me, I was tired of hearing "I know what you're going through". No you don't, did you lose your entire family to cancer & left wondering why?? Going to therapy was the best decision, I let it all out, I cried & don't get me wrong no matter how many years its been, a memory, a holiday, the sound of my moms laughter makes me cry. Days when I want to touch them again & I can't drives me insane. When you're ready you can attend group therapy & meet other moms who have lost their children too. You realize I'm not the only one going through this. I believe you never, ever get over the grief but God gives you the strength & peace to continue living each day, the time will come that you will no longer cry everyday but it doesn't mean you forgot Ty or think of him any less. You will think of him & smile & I am sure that's what he wants you to do.
    You have Gavin to live for, he needs you as much as you need him especially now. Go smooch him even if it reminds you of you doing it to Super Ty.
    Lastly, Ty never left because he forever lives in your heart & no one can take that away.
    God bless {hugs}
    I hope my story on my loss helps you understand you are not alone....

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  73. Cindy,

    Please know that there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings...they just are. Your precious little boy passed away and part of your heart and soul went with him. You may feel gutted, your whole world has been rocked.....sad, helpless, angry at the world and at God, bitter,disbelieving, pleading, terrified, guilty, dead inside, hopeful, grateful, closer to God, isolated, lonely, closer to those around you....a confusing combination of emotions that are all normal in a situation that feels everything but normal. Never ever apologize for how you feel. You and Lou are amazing people, amazing parents and you wrapped little Ty up in so much love, here on earth and after his passing. And not a second went by where Ty did not know this.

    I am so sorry that your family has had to endure so much. Why any child has to be placed on this earth to suffer from cancer and die is something that I will never understand. It is not fair. My only hope is that someday the answers will be revealed to us. In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve in the way you need to. Just do not try to do it alone. Lean on Lou, your family and friends when you feel like you could dig yourself into a hole and crumble. Gavin will keep you moving forward. You need Lou and Gavin and they need you, now more than ever. When things are simply too much, let Gavin enjoy his grandparents. You and Lou need that time. But resist the urge to crawl up and die. Put one foot in front of the other for Gavin.

    Things will never be the same. You will find your new normal, but the piece of your heart that is bleeding for Ty will always be there. But you will feel joy again in all the new adventures with Gavin. Don't ever feel guilty about this happening too quickly or slowly. There is no rule book, so please cut yourself some slack and just hold on tight to those around you.

    Love from LI,

    Kate

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  74. My heart aches for you, no mother should ever have to go through what you have gone through. I pray they find a cure soon so no other child has to go through what Ty did. You and your family are in my prayers!

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  75. I think one of the many beautiful reasons Ty graced your family with his wonderfully powerful presence was so that you would write this blog.

    It is affecting the world for the better on so many levels Cindy, please never doubt that.

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  76. I ask God to give me the strength to write something to comfort you. I don't think there is anything anyone can do to comfort you now. I understand how you feel about Gavin playing with Ty's toys. It must be so painful right now watching him play and laugh and have fun. You want Ty to be there too with him. Around the time of Ty's birthday, we were all praying so hard for a miracle, the prayer chains were going strong. When he had a bad birthday, I started getting mad. I was asking God, what does it take for you to give us a miracle? Can't you see the pain this child and his family are going through. What does it take? AFter Ty passed, I was even more pissed..and yes I was mad a God. I talked to my mom, who has always been a very faithful person and she's old school catholic. She said, You can't be mad and God..that's not good to be mad at God. Well, I went to church to drop my daughter off for religion and they had several pamphlets available for dealing with pain. i picked up one called "holding on to faith in the midst of suffering". It was the right one for how I was feeling. It read that being mad at God is Ok. Being mad at someone shows a relsationship exists..you are still thinking about God..and that relationshiop is called faith. It went on to encourage the reader to rexpress themselves, pray your anger, get your frustration and sadness on the table. All relationships need some clearing of the air now and then and that your relationship with God is no different. Maybe Gavin is a little pissed to0 right now and he is having a hard time praying. He wants his brother back. Maybe you already know and have experienced all this..I'm sure you probably have as your journey has been long. I just wanted to put that out there.

    Ty is your baby, your first born. He deserves those special traditions to remain just his. Putting toys in a special place because you want Ty to have been the last one playing with and touching..nothing is wrong with that.

    I have been so worried about you feeling lonely. I think about you so much.

    We received the superty hat in the mail yesterday and I am giving it to my son, Jack today. He knows there's a special hat coming that is sent from angel superty and he will feel an extra special kind of love everytime he wears it. I look at Jack and so often think of Ty, they are close in age.

    I hope you feel Ty's love all around you today. Will be thinking of you and Ty, Lou and Gavin. May you all find strength from eachother.

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  77. My prayers are with you. I pray that God gives you strength to get through each day, and that although you will always grieve for Ty, you will be reminded that he is no longer in pain and that he IS happy up in heaven, waiting for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with hanging on to Ty's stuff. If ever a time comes when you are ready to let go of some of it, that will be okay too, you do whatever makes you feel right. I am so sad for the loss of Ty, I only found your blog in September and from everything I have read and the pictures I've seen I know he was a special little boy who brought so much joy. Children like Ty have made SO many of us more aware of childhood cancer and I am in turn making others aware. When I was at Safeway the other day they asked if I wanted to donate to breast cancer (they are always taking up SOME cause, frequently cancer related) and I said no thank you, but if they chose to promote and donate to childhood cancer awareness next September that I would donate every time I bought groceries.

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  78. Hi Cindy.

    First, I look forward, everyday, to your blog. I continually pray for you, Lou and Gavin to get you through this difficult time.

    Second, please don't beat yourself up so much. You've lost a child. I don't know you or your family and I never met your sweet boy, but I feel I got to know you and Ty through his blog. He was amazing!

    I'm not going to write and placate you with phrases like "time heals all wounds." That's just not what you need. There's not ever enough time to get over the loss you've experienced.

    Don't think about what needs to be done with Ty's things. It's only been a week! Maybe down the road, you can take some of his favorite clothes and have a quilt made. Wouldn't it be wonderful to wrap yourself up in something like that?

    Your little Gavin is adorable! Right now I'm sure he's not completely grasping that Ty is not coming home, but he will. He may ask questions that may make you sad, but do your best. As time goes on, he may not ask anymore and that may also make you sad. As you get stronger, do your best to make sure he never forgets his big brother. Gavin needs his mommy and daddy more than ever. He is the other precious miracle in your life.

    Stay strong, Cindy. I hope that the support continues for you and I hope that what we (your supporters) feel lightens your burden just a little.

    God Bless you, Lou and Gavin. Ty is forever an angel and smiling down on you and all of us.

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  79. I'm sorry that I've not been back since shortly after Ty passed away. I dreaded the post so much that I think staying away has allowed me pretend it was a bad dream or just to let it sink in. My heart aches for you, Lou, and Gavin. Your family has taught me so much, thank you. Love, hugs, and prayers for you all.

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  80. Cindy, Lou & Gavin

    There's nothing I can pretend to say to make you feel better. As a mother I can't imagine the pain you are all going through. I can't imagine how much your daily life has changed and how all those little reminds feel like stabs in the heart. I pray that each day gets a little easier and allow yourself time to feel however you need to feel. I have a feeling Ty will you visit you and put some wub in your coffee soon. Always thinking of you all!

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  81. You're clearly a smart and loving child of God. Follow your instinct, go easy on yourself, accept help and embrace all this love (((HUGS))) - Liz (Washington State)

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  82. Hi Cindy - when my sisters and I were younger, I remember her saying that if something happened to one of us, she wouldn't want to live anymore. This used to drive us crazy!!!! We'd always ask "But what about the rest of us? Who would take care of us?". Now, as a mother of 3, I know EXACTLY what my mother meant by this. The fact that you are even able to get out of your bed is a superhuman feat!!! Of course you LOVE Gavin . . . but you are grieving for Ty. Just as you would grieve for Gavin had the situation been reversed. The very fact that you are dressing Gavin and he is busy pumpkin picking and playing toys is a testament to your family's strength. YOU ARE AMAZING!!! Prayers for all of you, always.

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  83. Oh Cindy, the waves of grief are the most painful to endure. You think you just may be alright, but then it hits like a tsunami and everything comes crashing back down; I can relate to that. How my heart breaks every day for you and yours...I have thought a lot about Gavin and how he is coping. Children can interpret things so much more easily than adults; it must be something to do with living a simple life and trusting so easily. I am glad that he is being occupied, but always sit down and talk to him about Ty whenever he wants. The one thing I absolutely hated about my little brother passing was nobody ever wanted to talk about him...but I needed to, in my little 8 year old mind it was the only way to work through my grief. Always keeping you and yours in my prayers and always thinking of Ty. ~Sally

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  84. I have fallen in love with Ty and I have been reading your blog voraciously, even going back to the archives when this all started. You have shown remarkable grace, courage, faith and a relentless love in the worst of times. You are truly a fierce warrior mom, just like your lil Ty, who has not only loved Ty to the fullest, but shown him God's love and goodness as well. I pray for you and your family and that healing comes in time. I dont know wny, but Ty's story has cut me to the core. I have read other blogs and stories about pediatric cancer, but Ty's journey has been indelibly seared into my mind and heart. Maybe it's because he went through sooo much, or maybe because he reminds me of my 5 yr old who also sports a mohawk, loves capn america, lollipops, and cutting and pasting toy catalogs into his letter to Santa. Regardless, Ty's story and your strength has compelled me to get up, spread the word, learn more about pediatric cancer, donate, and to love my 3 kids harder without sweating the small stuff. Thank you for your honesty and the gift of Ty. God Bless you now and always.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Yes, Ty's courage & heartbreaking journey captured my heart & soul. " SuperTy " is my hero.

      In honor of Ty ...

      I am going to become an active voice for increased awareness of & funding for pediatric cancer research.

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    3. That picture of Cindy kissing Ty after his bath is forever burned into my heart....it always brings me to tears.

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  85. Cindy,

    Praying for you and your beautiful family! I admire you for all your strenght & courage as a mother & I pray that God continues to give you strenght to get though these dark, dark days. You are a true inspiration to us all, I love your posting and Im constanly shedding many tears w/you as well. I can't even imagine the pain you feel in your heart & soul.

    May God Bless you & your Family!

    Rest in peace beautiful TY!!

    Sandi,
    SA, Texas

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  86. I'm sure Ty is sending love to you evey minute of every day. With or without coffee. I'll always keep all of you in my prayers. I know this is so difficult and I'm glad to see Gavin is doing ok even if he doesn't fully grasp the whole thing yet. Ty is always with you and I know Christmas will be hard but you have a special angel on your tree this year.

    Allie

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  87. Cindy, I have a suggestion for a new family tradition for hanging the first ornament on your Christmas tree. How 'bout a special "Ty ornament"? Maybe the Captain America ornament Hallmark has this year, or a Battenburg lace photo angel ornament with a favorite photo of Ty (from Oriental Trading in sets of 12 - so you could give them to your family too!) or something else that just seems like Ty to you. Then you and Lou and Gavin together can hang Ty's special ornament front and center on the tree first each year. Ty may not be hanging the first ornament on the tree himself, but he'll be the first ornament on the tree! I bet he would think that is pretty special! The first year after our Sarah died, we just hung Sarah's ornaments (she got at least one each year since she was born, often more!) and all of our angel ornaments (including a Battenburg lace photo angel with a photo of Sarah just a week and a half before she died) on the tree - and just white lights, rather than the colored ones we had always used. We still use the white lights but now we include our son's ornaments and other favorite ornaments along with Sarah's ornaments on our tree.

    I gave away a few of Sarah's "generic" clothes (like leggings and jeans) early on, but the clothes that I especially associated with our little "fashion plate", I couldn't bear to give away. I packed them in boxes - and I still haven't gone through them seven years later! One day... I did give her hair ribbons and barrettes to her little cousin - it helped me to see how excited Megan was to get them - and I wasn't seeing them all the time either. You'll know what's right for you. And nothing has to be done right away!

    I still am occassionally blind-sided by the sharp pain of Sarah's loss. I don't know if that will ever stop, but it happens less frequently now. Most of the time it is more of a chronic ache now rather than a sharp pain.

    You might want to see if Hospice can provide Art Therapy for Gavin. Sarah's brother is non-verbal and art therapy was a huge help to him after Sarah died. It gave him a way to express his feelings.

    You all are in my thoughts and prayers. ~ Leslie

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  88. Hi beautiful Cindy, you are such an amazing person. I don't think I would have half the strength and grace that you have if I were in the same situation. I had a thought about the coffee and the Christmas tree. I was thinking, even though you can't see Ty, I believe he is watching everything you do. I think he is right next to you every step of the way. Maybe he is sitting there watching you wanting to continue those rituals as much as you do. Maybe he is wondering why his mommy isn't making coffee in the morning and letting him blow his love into it. Maybe make that cub of coffee, hold it out to Ty and ask him to blow lov into it as you always did. I think even though you can't see him, he will be happy to get to blow his love. Same thing with the Christmas ornament. Ask Ty to help you hang the first one. I believe he will be there helping to hang that ornament even though u can't see him. Just a thought I had but please do what's best for you, I am lucky I have not had to be in your heart breaking situation. Much lov!

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  89. Cindy, when I had my second boy, my first boy was only 13 month, and I am so sorry to admit that he didn't get as much attention as my first born. It's again like you said not that I didn't love him, it's just readjustment, and also you try to compare between your kids and it takes time to realize they are not the same. And in your case, how could you even question yourself. You are the most amazing time to Ty and Gavin. I am sorry I gt to "know" you as a result of this heartbreaking 2 year old blog, but I think you are the most amazing mom that lives on the planet. Everything I read about your rituals with kids are so unique, love in your coffee, feeding the bear while driving with Ty, writing things your precious kids said when young, all of this is just so loving. You and Ty were one because he was your first and he was so sick, and he understood you and you him like no one else. We will never question anything you feel or say will never judge, we love you. We love Gavin and Lou and all your family. I am honored to know you and I love your precious Ty so much. He is everything beautiful on the universe. He is everywhere. To say he and you changed my life is to say nothing. You have no idea how you inspire me and how Ty influenced me. I'm so sorry that Ty is not here. I miss you Ty.

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  90. Someone said in a comment above that they were angry when Ty had a bad day on his birthday and then when he passed. That's exactly how I feel. I am mad at God. I had never begged so much for anything in my whole life. You are such an amazing wonan Cindy, much better than I could ever be. Ty must be so proud of you. I tjink of Gavin, Ava and all the other children who are going to miss Ty so much...

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  91. My heart breaks for you because I am almost 11 months out of my son's passing at the mere age of two due to brain cancer. While I have "good" days I have "bad" days to. Sometimes I wonder if and when I'll ever be normal and then think I dont ever want to be "normal" again. Keegan changed me and changed my life and I NEVER want to forget that. Im here if you ever want to talk. Sometimes it helps talking to someone that "gets it".
    Beth

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  92. Cindy -- if you are interested in having Ty's t-shirts made into a quilt, I would be honored to do it for you.

    karen_simmons@verizon.net

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  93. A prayer written by Charlie Elkind in September 2001
    "Pray for what you cannot see
    Pray clearly for what you can only faintly grasp.
    Pray Silently from the core of your being. Pray for healing.
    Pray for humanity.
    Pray lovingly.
    Pray deeply.
    Pray so deeply that the prayer and thepraying become one"

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  94. I believe that in saying good night to Ty and saying good night to God you are praying.

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  95. My dearest Cindy,

    I've never met Ty, I've just seen his pictures, read your blog, and watched his videos and I find myself crying a lot for the loss of Ty. How it is incredibly unfair that there will be no more smiles and he won't reach other milestones. This world is so much more poor for him not being in it any more. I cannot even imagine the grief and pain that you feel. If I, a stranger, get triggered by things, for you it must be unbearable, especially being around his things and your special places. Words are totally inadequate, there is no comfort they can offer...My heart aches for you and your family.
    Lots of love,
    Irina

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  96. I can't imagine how hard this is for all of you. Maybe though, Gavin can start his own tradition with you and making the coffee. Or you could always hold the cup up high and say out loud, Ok Ty, put the love in the coffee! As far as Ty's clothes - maybe you could have someone make a quilt out of them. Then you all could feel his warmth always. If you are concerned about them faded with washing, then maybe someone could make it into an enclosed wall hanging, like a big shadow box out of some.
    Continued prayers for all of you,
    Jennifer, Illinois

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    1. Jennifer,
      That is such an awesome idea filled with love......

      :-) I think Ty would love that...sprinkle some sugar straight from heaven,..TSS the perfect kind...

      Laura

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  97. Cindy....you will forever cherish your rituals with Ty....they will never leave you and although they make you sad now one day you will find they will make you smile and be comforting....but now, it is time to put them aside and create new ones with Gavin....don't let Ty's cancer destroy what Gavin's childhood should be...it has taken one of your babies don't let is spiritually take the other....and if its too painful to see Gavin using Ty's things, pack them away and let Gavin have new just for Gavin stuff....many say time heals all wounds but its not true....time just allows them not to throb as badly...I'm praying for peace for you and Lou. <3

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    1. Well said. Time doesn't only heal wounds it can create them. Gavin's life has no doubt already been altered by all of this. Gavin still has to grow up in that house and will always be in his angelic brother's shadow. Please try to not be resentful that he is here and Ty is not. Poor Gavin. Life is for the living.

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  98. I've been thinking about Ty since I read your blog last week. I'm sorry for your loss doesn't even seem like enough to even say to a family that is suffering a loss like this. I'm sure it has been said in other comments but I would take all of his old shirts and have a quilt made of them. I know a family that had a daughter who died from cancer and they did this with her shirts. They made a couple for her sisters and a bigger one for the parents so they could always feel like they are being wrapped by her love. You and your family are in my thoughts.

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  99. Cindy your blog has helped to restore my faith in humanity. I see a mom kill her 4 year old son in Westchester, babies senselessly stabbed to death in Manhattan yesterday. Then I read this blog and things are "put right" again. I pray that you and Lou have another child-not to replace Ty as he is irreplaceable but because both of you are awesome parents-just listen to the news today and what the world needs more than ever are people like you in it. Perhaps that was God's plan for Ty-he inspired you to blog and you in turn inspired millions. All four of you are always in my prayers.

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  100. It is just so unfair for you and your family. I am sorry. This year of "firsts" are going to be very hard. Please know so many people are here for you. Thank you for sharing your blog with us-we fell in love with Ty and your family. We are here for support. It will not be easy-by any measure. You have truly been through the unthinkable. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Your heart has been completely shattered into about a billion pieces. With Gods help and the love and support of your friends and family and the future memories you make with Gavin, your heart will be slowly put back together. It will never be the same heart-but it will be even more beautiful.

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  101. Cindy, I have so much to say I don't even know where to start. I can't even imagine how difficult and dark this time is for you. As far as worrying about saying things that seem odd or feeling weird about feeling a certain way, don't worry about it. You feel the way you feel and you do what you want to do because you need to cope and process and grieve, and that is OK. I believe the most important thing is not letting Ty's memory/story die with him. And it won't. I think every single person reading this blog will have your back. Every single one of us will help pass along the story of Ty Louis Campbell and honor his memory. I know I will --I already put a link on my blog to this page to donate his foundation, and it will stay there permanently.

    You post had me thinking about so many things... I thought I'd share them but I'm no expert on any of this so feel free to ignore or shout at me for suggesting anything. These were just things that went through my head as I was reading your post.

    If you are uncomfortable with Gavin wearing Ty's clothes, then don't do it. If you don't want to save them all -- because I know you must want to save some -- you don't have to. You can donate them to the hospital for kids with cancer who don't have a lot of money. You can have a special sale or tag sale and sell them and then put the money in Ty's foundation. And as someone mentioned, take the most special pieces of his clothing and turn it into a blanket quilt, pillow, etc., that you can sleep with.

    As for Gavin, the prayers and his grieving, perhaps you should look into a bereavement program for him -- I know in my town we have a weeklong little camp for kids who have lost a relative, and they do special things to help them cope, like talking about the person, releasing special decorated balloons to heaven, making pictures of the person and even having a pot luck meal with favorite dishes of the person he or she lost. I know Gavin is young, but sometimes knowing others have lost siblings or cousins or whatever can be comforting.

    There is also a group called Compassionate Friends that is for parents who have lost a child. (http://www.compassionatefriends.org) Perhaps there is a chapter near you that can help you out.

    I understand why you don't to put your jewelry and your bracelets on. Maybe it's time for a new piece of jewelry? One that honors Ty's memory? How about a special charm bracelet filled with his special symbols of his favorite things and things that make you think of him: sea shells, candy, an angel or angel wings, ladybugs, a heart, a hawk, a bunny for Max & Ruby, a star for Captain America etc. You can even have photo charms made.

    As for the Hail Mary, change it up again. Instead of "Ty's healing" say something like "watch over Ty" or "Ty's spirit."

    And yes, Christmas will be hard. You should hang the first ornament in honor of Ty. Buy a photo frame ornament and put his picture in it and hang that first on the tree. That way he will still be involved in hanging the first ornament on the tree, because it will be an ornament of him.

    Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to share it all with you. I know every reader of this blog is invested in your story and keeping your little boy's memory alive. We are all standing behind you.

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    1. Such wonderful thoughtful suggestions.
      Irina

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    2. I agree, those are all wonderful ideas especially the bracelet and the ornament!

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  102. "Our gravely ill children are merely angels God temporarily put on this earth to make us all better people." That's what my mother told me when my 3-year-old died of a brain tumor. That was 20 years ago and I know she was right.

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    1. What a beautiful way to think of them. (So sorry for your loss.)

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  103. You are going to grieve in your own way and there isn't one person that can tell you that you are doing it wrong or that anything you are feeling isn't appropriate. You are the only one that carried Ty for 9 months and that is a bond that is very hard to loose. But he is always in your heart and that will never go away. Next time it rains I would go outside with your coffee though...Ty is just trying to put some "wub in it" ;)

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  104. Praying for you...

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  105. I cannot fathom the loss of a child..you are reacting exactly the way you should be..the grief is absolutely tremendous!! I pray for you each night..God and Ty will give you strength! They already have even though it may not seem so..your words are so eloquent and gut wrenching at the same time. I am overwhelmed with grief when I read your blogs always reading through tears..I respect the need to write, it is very cathartic..you are touching so many lives each day with your blogs and I know it HAS to be helping to bring much needed awareness to pediatric cancer as well as funding to find a cure!!!! I must tell you this, you and Ty have changed the way I look at life! As a mother of two babies Ryan 22 mos and Lillie 9 mos I hug them a little tighter and kiss them with feelings as if it were my last chance to kiss them and do think of you. Im not telling you that to upset you. I want to THANK YOU, you put life into perspective for sure..Try and be good to yourself, its important for you, Lou and Gavin..your Faith will come back it's still there just hard to see it right now..Be well!! I will continue to pray..

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  106. Cindy
    First of all, we all love you very deeply.
    Secondly, please try to find a way to enjoy your coffee. There's healing in that cup, I promise.
    Third, maybe you can take one of Ty,s favorite pair of pajamas and cut it into thin strips. Then for Christmas you guys could decorate the tree with his favorite little toys and of course his best candy, lollypops included, and then you could hang them with the (Ty's) you just made from his pajamas

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  107. Cindy,
    Your courage, strength, love and devotion are so inspirational. Ty has truly changed my life forever and I am so thankful for you (continuing) to share his story. I love him and miss him so much even though I've never met him, but he is in all of our hearts! I don't blame you for wanting to save all of Ty's clothes and things. You should keep everything for as long as you need until you are ready to slowly let some of them go (or not). Making some of his clothes into a blanket is such a wonderful idea and something to "hug" you and keep you warm when you need it most to make him feel as close to you as possible. I am so happy to hear that Gavin is doing well. I hope his little heart heals as he begins to understand more about what happened to his big brother. I am a mother of 2 and cannot imagine what you and your family have gone through but I hope that the outpour of love and support you have felt and continue to feel helps to keep your spirits high (even if just a little). You and Ty have taught me to not sweat the small stuff anymore. It taught me to love harder, pray harder and believe in people more. I think of your family and Ty everyday and pray that you are being looked after. Your day to day life will be different without your sweet and precious boy Ty, but he has never left your heart. God bless you and your entire family. We love you and miss you Ty! You are truly amazing.

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  108. I feel so bad for Gavin. </3

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  109. I hope you and Lou are being intimate. That is an amazingly important part of a marriage, and can help you both to feel better and stay connected.

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  110. I think of you and your family several times a day. I check here every day hoping to have the words to help you but knowing those words don't even exist. I pray for you and your family; for peace and healing.

    I can't even comprehend what you are going through. But I do know a mothers love for her children and that special connection between mom and son. Gavin is going to be OK because you are an amazing mother and Lou is an amazing father; you will know what to do for him. Plus you have all of us praying for you.

    Ty will always be with you. That will never be good enough I'm sure. When you do make that cup of coffee don't be surprised if Ty found a way to put the love in.

    Becky (NH)

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  111. Oh Cindy, Sweetie, if I could take just a fraction of your pain, I would. I can feel your pain through your words...they feel empty as I am sure that your heart feels empty as well. To me, I think the "lonely" is the worst feeling associated with grief...there is just no filling that kind of empty.

    I suppose time is supposed to help with that, as is knowing that Ty is no longer suffering but I have absolutely no doubt that you want him back more than anything else in the world.

    I too, have been worried about Gavin, but in reading some of the comments here today, I realized that he will be ok. It will take some time and I am sure that he may act out as he goes through his own stages of grief, but Cindy, please remind yourself that you and Lou are great parents...you were not just great parents to only Ty, but to Gavin too. You will all find a way to help each other through the loss of Ty.
    You are grieving.
    You are sad in ways that only someone else who has lost a child would understand. Be patient with yourself.
    You are a beautiful person. That will never change, even though you feel empty inside right now. Luckily Gavin has school activities and other family members to help so that he doesn't feel left out, I have no doubt that he continues to feel love from not just you, but everyone!

    Keep Ty's stuff...all of it...down to the last sock, until you decide what is right. The same with Ty's clothes. No need to be practical. Keep his room just as it is. Perhaps you can even make Gavin his own little box that has laminated pictures of he and Ty, some blue lollipops and whatever else they may have shared together or that Gavin knew that Ty loved...but make sure it can all get scribbled on or crumpled. Then Gavin can go to it and feel close to Ty when he doesn't know the right words to let you know...
    As far as Christmas, you, Lou, and Gavin could each pick out a special ornament just for Ty, and hang those first. I am sure that it will hard for you to watch Gavin enjoying Christmas morning knowing that your own heart continues to be broken, but maybe, the twinkle in Gavin's eyes as he tears open gifts will help a little and I am sure that Ty will be right there, beside his brother.
    God Bless you and keep you,
    Sending much love from the "boobie lady" in Sacramento, CA
    Tavelle

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    1. I loved this comment, exactly what I am thinking and I couldn't have said it better.
      Gavin is grieving, he just doesn't completely grasp it all but he knows.
      You are wonderful people,I think about you often.

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  112. Please don't be hard on yourself when you have those feelings about Gavin as they are a normal process of your grief. The waves of emotion that will be a part of your life for some time to come are part of the healing process. It's the hardest thing in the world to lose a child and to go through such a long period of time with that fear lingering over us like a storm cloud I believe makes it harder. For so long we had to be strong for them. Positive for them. Care for them. And then they are not there for us to do all these things for makes you feel lost. We dedicate every moment to being there in one way or another for them for such a long time and then all of a sudden they are gone. Our reason for ploughing through the day is gone. Our routine is gone and we need to learn to live a different life. A life we sometimes don't want to live but know we have too.
    Gavin is grieving as well as you can see by his behaviour. He knows something is wrong but doesn't understand, bless his little heart. His love and Lou's love will see you through and visa versa. Sometimes people tell you to be strong for the other children. Yes I do believe this is true to a certain amount. But I also believe you have to have your time to grieve as well and it does not hurt them to see this side of you. It teaches them it is okay to cry. It is teaches them it is okay to express your feelings and not be judged for it. You are a strong woman Cindy and it takes a strong person to let their feeling be shown. You have expressed yourself so well to the world so you are stronger than most people are. Take as much time as you need to heal and don't ever let anyone put a time limit on it. We are all different and grieve differently. God made us that way and who are we to judge...
    God bless you, your family and your extended family. <3

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  113. cindy be strong,i have seen lou in the videos the man is strong,i can see that,my tears roll for you all,we are all here for you,and TY is in a better place all the suffering is gone and you will be re united one day

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  114. I can't imagine the depth of your pain, Cindy. I pray that one day time will be able to somewhat lessen the pain you bear. I hope you continue to share your love for Ty with this blog. It continues to inspire me and I admire the strength and honesty you share with us. God Bless you.

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  115. Such beautiful thoughts expressed by everyone. I can't think of anything comforting to say other than I'm still praying for you. Nothing I say will make it hurt less. just know that I'm sorry. Try to stay strong. All my love to you all.

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  116. You are not grieving alone Campbell family. We all cry with you for the loss of such a wonderfully kind little boy. The world will never be the same without Super Ty...thank you for sharing him with us.

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  117. I think of you everyday and my heart aches for your loss. Like soo many others, I feel like I knew Ty. Your writings brought your beautiful little boy into the hearts of complete strangers and taught them the true meaning of love and life and of being the best mom you could be. I thank you for that gift. God bless Ty. His life has changed the lives of many and he will always be treasured for his awesomeness.

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  118. My goodness, if I could run to your home and give you a huge hug..I would. We all grieve with you and love you and your family. We all fell in love with Ty. I am so sorry for your loss and unimaginable pain. I heard about Ty from reading Maya's blog about Ronan. You two would be wonderful for each other and such inspirations to the rest of us. Please keep talking to us...we are listening!!

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  119. Dear Cindy: I hate coffee! Blecch! But, I will tell you this - every day when I read your blog for the past 2+ years, Ty would fill my heart and soul with love. I miss him very much. My heart goes out to sweet Gavin - he thinks his brother is in the hospital and will come home. Oh, that just breaks my heart. I am still looking forward to the book I hope you will write one day! :) Is there an address for your charity? I would like to send a small check next month in honor of Ty. I love your family. God Bless you all.

    Laura in Texas

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  120. Dearest Cindy, you are doing what you need to do. You are breathing in and out and you are giving everything you can to Gavin and Lou. You are getting up every day. It is enough. You and your family are so loved and the prayers will never cease.

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  121. Praying for you and your family everyday. Thank you for making me a better mother.

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  122. Cindy...

    This is may be hard to believe, but I promise you I would not lie.

    In a span of three days, you have become my hero, a lady I have never even met. There are so many reasons why. I'm sure you don't see it, and I'm fairly positive that you definitely don't FEEL it, but you are so strong. Despite knowing that you would inevitably lose him, you remained a completely involved, loving mother until the very end. Most mothers would do the same, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful. This is why I know that Gavin will be okay. Because, as much as you held it together for Ty, you will also hold things together for him. You're too wonderful of a mother not to.

    Not having ever experienced what you have, I have no legitimate advice, and I would never so that I know how you feel. However, you do have my sincerest, deepest condolences.

    I shared this on Ty's Facebook page, but in the event you didn't see it, I'll share it here as well. ---

    The other night I was watching a video of Ty on our desk top computer. My three year old son, Cooper, walked up and asked who the little boy was. I almost didn't explain, not sure what to say. Instead, I pulled him into my lap and said, "This little boy is really sick, honey". We watched the videos for a few minutes. At no point did he realize that Ty had passed. However, once the videos finished, he looked at me and said so matter-of-factly, "He not sick nanymore". I asked him to repeat himself and he said, "Mommy, that wittle boy not sick nanymore!". I paused, then realized that he was correct. I told him, "No, honey....he's not sick anymore".

    It was as if he KNEW. I don't know how, but somehow he knew that Ty was no longer in pain.

    Over these past few days, I have fallen in love with this little boy that was your son. He was so beautiful, and strong, and reminds me so much of my own little boy. Cindy, you have been constantly on my mind, and though I don't pray nearly as often as I should, I have prayed for you every night, and often during the day. Your family has made me appreciate my own so much more. I have become a better mother because of you,so from the bottom of my heart, thank you, for sharing your thoughts so candidly and for your raw honesty.

    Ty will undoubtedly live on in the minds, hearts, and memories of others. Even after his passing, he is impacting people's lives. I know this for a fact, because I'm one of those people.

    For my own selfish reasons, I hope you continue blogging. Multiple times a day I check for entries, hoping you're okay, but knowing that you can't possibly be at this time.

    Ty was as lucky to have you as you were to have him. Always remember that. <3

    Much love,
    Stefanie in Indiana

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  123. You are a wonderful mother and wife and so much stronger than you think you are. I can't imagine what you are going through but I know that with time it will get better. Just keep loving and please don't stop believing. Ty will always be with you and your family watching over and taking care of you. I've found God and my faith again because of your story, because of Ty and I cant thank you enough. I pray that God will help ease your pain and help you smile once more.

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  124. Tonight my 19 month old little girl sat in my lap while we read stories and prayed before bedtime. After her mini-prayer she flipped over and got up on her knees. Recently she has enjoyed standing on my lap and leaning back and forth, making the chair rock. But tonight I looked at her and asked her to just cuddle with me. She got the biggest grin on her face, tucked her arms in around my torso and laid her head on my shoulder. And there she stayed. Letting me rock her and hold her- quite a feat for a busy 19 month old. Finally when I was good and ready, I pried her off of me... still grinning, and laid her in her crib.

    And I thought of you.

    Thank you for helping me cherish every. single. moment.

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  125. Thank you so much, Cindy, for making me a more gentle, patient, and loving mother. There is no day that goes by that I dont think of you, Ty, Gavin, and Lou. The 4 of you have changed me, and made the world a kinder place. Hugs to you all.

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  126. Words can't describe you your family your words and most importantly Ty! the stages of grieving you will go thru aren't fair to put upon you.... I wish I could write something that could n be comforting I wish no child felt that pain n no parent should grieve.I thank you for sharing your story n sharing Ty.
    Cindy,, he has n will continue to have an incredible impact on more people then u could have ever thought. he will never leave your side

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  127. Supermom,
    What you are doing for Gavin is enough right now. It would be wise to hook him up with some sort of consistent outlet for his grief, but there is no need for you to feel guilty. I am certain that you and your husband continue to be excellent parents to him just as you've been to Ty. You don't need to dress him in Ty's clothes to be practical. Why do something that hurts you so much when you already have so much pain? Maybe it would be good for Gavin too, to get his own new clothes. If there are certain toys that it hurts you too much to see Gavin playing with, why not just put those away for a while? It would be OK. If Gavin is used to sitting behind you in the car, then you don't have to put him in the seat that has been Ty's. Not right now. Be good to yourself. And know Ty is there with you at coffee time, just as he was at bathtime the other night. He can still put the "wub" in your coffee and I'm sure he would be happy if you continue to share that with him. Thank you for sharing the amazing beauty of your love and Ty's love.
    Christine C.

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    1. Christine, well said! Cindy, guilt does no good for you or Gavin. Grieve, and allow yourself to feel your feelings. Gavin will be ok. He was born into your family already knowing about Ty and has experienced every high and low with you. As a fellow mother of 3 and 5 yr old boys, I know how smart our 3 yr olds are and how capable they are of computing whats going on in their world.. the day will come when you can find some outlet for Gavin to deal with his feelings.. right now is time for you and your boys to grieve for Ty. Unapologetically.

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  128. Watching 20/20 right now.. it' all about proof of the afterlife, and how glorious it is in Heaven and the undescribable love that waits for us... i know its small.... but it gives me comfort to hear these stories. Our families's souls live on and will be there to greet us some day :)

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  129. I've been thinking about you and following your blog closely since I recently found out about it. My heart is broken in a million pieces for you and your loss. BUT. Really? You have another son who will always feel neglected because Ty was the only one that mattered (him in therapy later). I'm sorry to be harsh. I know you're hurting. But as a surviving sibling of the favorite one who died of a childhood accident, I feel it's my duty to point this out. Focus on Gavin. Losing Ty is fucking horrifying. It's life-altering. It's TRAGIC. It is. And I cry for you. I do. But you need to realize that you have another little boy right now who has been neglected for the past two years who NEEDS YOU. HE CAN PUT THE LOVE IN YOUR COFFEE. He's a baby!! I'm so sorry if I'm harsh. But I want to hear the kind of love you have for Ty reflected in your posts about Gavin. Because. Well, I don't.

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    1. Sis,
      Sorry for your personal experience, but the way you came across is unloving. There is a time and a place for everything, and you missed the mark on both.

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    2. Your personal experience and pain is something you have to deal with, but I've been following Cindy's blog a long, long time, and never have I gotten the feeling that she loves Gavin less, or that he's neglected. Your post was uncalled for under the circumstances. Gavin is a healthy, happy and apparently well-adjusted little boy who has gotten even more attention than he would have under any other circumstances, largely because of who is parents are and the love and support they have gotten from family and friends.
      It's just that his mother and father have been busy fighting for his older brother's life, and now mourning the loss of that life. Be kinder to Cindy and Lou, please. I've seen the kind of parents they are, and I'm confident that once the fog of pain lifts a little they will be able to focus on Gavin and know the joy of being blessed with him. These are not people who would ever willingly neglect their child (children).
      P.S. You don't have to use the vernacular to get your point across, and I hope someday you can get over your past and realize that your life is about who you are today, not what happened in your past.

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    3. When someone pours their heart out, the deep things, that even you would probably not even say, why would you openly rebuke them for their honesty. It is a total lack of empathy and compassion. Even if you do not agree,...wait a day, season your words with salt.

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    4. You are rude horrible person without any sense of what a mom who is grieving for her child is going thru. It's so wrong on many levels to say what you. I hope you will come to your senses and delete this post before it gets read and hurts this amazing woman who is a hero in our eyes. I hope you solve the issue that clearly comes from being "neglected" by your family and dont take it out in here.

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    5. That's odd, bc I definitely see her love for Gavin, as does everyone else. Ever thought that you may be the one that is wrong? What was your purpose? To make a grieving mother hurt more? Do you have no conscience? Until you have been in her exact shoes, you have zero place to judge or to critique her. It doesn't matter anyways, bc you're wrong. And you should be ashamed of yourself.

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    6. I think this person is "right on". Thank you for saying what needed to be said.

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    7. Cindy and Lou loved Gavin so much that while they helped Ty they made sure that Gavin got lots of special times with his loving grandparents and relatives. It is an unfortunate fact of life in this situation that parents have to split themselves in unimaginable ways. I am sad for this person, but their experience cannot be compaired to Gavin's.

      Cindy and Lou are acceptional parents. As a parent myself...I do not have a favorite child - a parents love runs deep for all their children.

      We all need to stay positive for Cindy and Lou.

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    8. I have said it before and I will say it again. If I could be 10% the mother Cindy is, I will be the best mother a child could ask for. Shame on you! Cindy and Lou are AMAZING parents!

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  130. Just know that you all are loved and prayed for constantly. Pay attention for the signs from Ty and I'm sure you'll feel and spot them a lot! xoxo

    Rita

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  131. Cindy,
    Ty is with you putting the love in your coffee just as he puts it in your heart. My heart is with you and I pray for you and your family


    Love love love

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  132. Dear Cindy,
    It is going to take time, this part of it all. Nothing is the same,...without Ty, ...not Gav, not Lou. When my world turns upside down and inside out, being close to God is the only #1 way that at least keeps me on the path, I may still be tripping, or stumbling, but at least on the 'path'. Since God is close to Ty right now, you being close to God would make you superclose to Ty. Ask God everymorning if he will let God put the love in your Joe,...I believe it will happen.

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    1. What I meant to say was ask God if he will let Ty put the love in...

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  133. Thank you Ty (and the Campbell family) for what you have given the world. Cindy, your baby Ty can hear you...continue to talk to him. After I tuck my two year old and my five year old in bed every night, I say goodnight to your little boy. He was very very special. And he will see you again one day.
    Rachel
    Poughkeepsie, NY

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  134. Cindy, just keeping doing what you can and let God be your light! You never have to feel bad about what you are doing, every person grieves in their own way and nobody can tell you how to miss your little boy! I can't even imagine what you are going through, but give yourself time and love! You have a whole community of people who care deeply for your whole family! Lean on us when things get too dark for you!

    Lisa

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  135. Dear Cindy! You are the best mom. You did whatever was possible on this earth to save Ty,
    but unfortunately we don't know what God has decided as Heavens has kept hidden the book of fate from all creatures on earth. It is shock and denial that Ty's time had come to go :(

    Gavin and Ty are your sweet little boys and Ty has his own place and Garvin has his own. I know you love both of them equally. If someone is suggesting make Gavin put "wub" in your coffee, it is not going to change your grief. You love Gavin dearly too, but since Ty was the one doing it, your eyes will always look for Ty and Ty's place will always remain empty & it's natural for you to pay more attention to Ty because he needed yours love and care more than Gavin because Ty was extremely sick. Gavin will understand and I am sure he
    understands that.

    We love you Ty. I hope there is some way to make more awareness for childhood cancer so
    that it is seriously taken.
    Thanks


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  136. I dont know what to say Cindy that even expresses how I feel. Just open arms....many hugs. All the support this community can give is for you.

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  137. My son is 3 an remembers celebrating Ty's birthday . Well we went out the other night to look for shooting stars, as we stared up at the vast dark sky with bright, beautiful stars dotting it. My son informed me that his fwend (friend) Ty was in the star's. I agree with you kids understand so much than we give them credit for. Ty touched so many lifes because of you. You are amazing

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  138. Cindy, let Gavin put his love in your coffee now. It will again be a great cup of coffee.

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  139. I am not trying to be condescending or argumentative but I have a comment to those of you commenting to do this for Gavin or do that for Gavin or to allow Gavin to do things that Ty shared with his mom. Please stop. I know you mean well, but this is very upsetting to a mother that has just lost a child. In their grief, it is often seen as others telling her that the bonds and rituals she had with her child can just be substituted by someone else. Each mother has their own special things they do with each child and nothing...NOTHING will ever take its place. It will never be the same and rightfully so. She may choose to always keep that special thing between her and Ty and create completely separate and new rituals with Gavin, or she may eventually choose to share it with Gavin but that is her choice and in her time. In addition, for those of you telling Cindy to be sure to nurture and take care of Gavin during this time, again, while I know you mean well, unless you are a close family member or friend, this is not something you should be saying. I'm sure she is well aware of what she needs to do for her other child and how they choose to work through their grief is theirs and theirs alone. As someone who is not privy to their relationship with Gavin, this is not your place to be telling her what she needs to do as a mother. During this time, it is often upsetting when she is already vulnerable and grieving. I do not know Cindy and Lou and my intention is not to speak for them. Cindy may delete this message or she may leave it up for others to read...but as a former grieving parent, as I read those comments here, I wanted to just yell stop! Continue to provide love and positive energy and prayers, and kind words, but leave the timetable to Cindy and Loue and Gavin. From reading this blog, I know you can all see that she is an amazing mother and an amazing person and that Gavin is in great hands...and he has SuperTy watching out for him too.

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  140. I have to add something because I did not read all the other comments before me until just now. For those of you slamming Cindy for "neglecting" Gavin...how DARE you? They have just lost their child!!!! Not 6 months ago, not a year ago...a week ago!!!! And then she allows us to share her unimaginable grief in her blog and you have the audacity to judge her? You should be ashamed. That is not empathy, that is apathy. Deplorable!

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    1. could not agree more with you lady! Until you have lost a child you will never know how it is! This is something that is never nor will it ever be easy on a parent! Cindy you are one amazing mother! Just by your blogs and posts I can see all the love you have for Gavin but you are hurting because you miss Ty. You are an amazing woman! Keep strong and don't let anything get ya down!
      Francesca

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  141. You are an amazing mother! Ty was such an amazing little boy! I know that is for sure my hero in every single way possible! I am keeping you all in my prayers and also Ty. Stay strong! Your family is nothing but amazing and you guys amaze me every single day :)

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  142. I was just checking again the fire picture since last time i could not get it, and it's crazy how you can see like a angel in the fire..... I'm more and more convinced that Ty is with you everyday, you dont see him but I'm sure he sees you, and you feel him. Enjoy him everyday :)!
    Maria Savlick

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  143. i can't make coffee in the morning anymore either. i go out. you are amazing, your family is amazing, and most of all TY IS AMAZING!

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