Tuesday, November 29, 2011
This is for you, Colleen. You never let me stop believing, even when we were given the worst news imagineable. You made all sorts of magic for me and for Ty, and you still do. Thank you for your pep talk yesterday. Some day I will take your advice and let go of the fear, but I just can't do it yet. I try! Keep sending me your magic and it will happen :)
Most of my sleepless nights revolve around the lingering fear. In addition to fear, I have a heavy guilt for being happy over the past four months. At night, I pore over stories on facebook and caring bridge. I know I promised I wouldn't do this anymore, but I keep doing it! I guess I am part of a world now that I can't escape and I don't want to escape. My eyes have been opened to just how many children are suffering with pediatric cancer and I need to know their stories so I can think about them and pray for them. I don't connect on a personal level because I am simply not strong enough to help, but at least I feel like I'm doing something simply by being aware.
When I hear about a child's recurrance after remission, I begin to drown in the greatest depths of my fear. It's my worst nightmare. When I hear about a family's devastating loss, I am hammered with tremendous guilt. And anger. I get so angry. Kids just shouldn't get cancer. There needs to be more research, more treatment options. When is a cure for cancer going to be found, this is ridiculous!?!?
These feelings I harbor are fierce and they are vicious. I am so blessed and so lucky. Sometimes I need to remind myself that these days are real, that Ty is getting better. I lived in a burning hell, but somehow I got out. My baby is still here with me and I believe with all of my heart that he will live a long, happy life. Reading about all of those who have lost their own beautiful and most special child makes me realize, "How dare I ever feel sorry for myself! For what I've been through!" Who cares! I'll always hate that Ty had to suffer, but who cares about my sorry self. I am a better person for all of this. If I were to lose him, I don't think I could ever be happy again and I would simply want to die. The constant worry or fear of recurrance sits in my stomach 24 hours a day.
First and foremost, I despise the thought of Ty having to suffer like he did ever again. I worry about that more than I worry about how I would survive without him. I have told God that he can take my arms and legs and abandon me in the woods to live out the rest of my life alone and helpless... I wanted it, I begged for it... as long as Ty could survive and be happy again. I guess it was easy for me to make that plea because if I lost him, that's what my life would be like anyway.
Tonight I am praying for all of these bereaved parents. How incredibly sorry I am.