Gavin is growing up so fast.  I just got his class picture and I was really surprised at how much he's grown.  I guess I should just get used to this, it happens every year :) He continues to keep me laughing, even when he is most inappropriate.  The other day I put short ribs in the slow cooker so they would be ready when we all got home from school/work and when we walked into the house (obviously it smelled like dinner) Gavin said, "ewww!  Smells like FAWTS! (farts)  I am NOT eating THAT!"  Thank you, Gavin.  What a lovely response to my cooking, per usual. I could tell stories like that for days, but that is not why I am posting today :)  As promised, pasted below is the latest newsletter from the TLC Foundation with tons of information on our upcoming events.  Don't forget that today (Friday) is the LAST DAY to purchase Mess Fest tickets at the Early Bird rate - prices go up tomorrow. And for anyone on Long Island, remember tonigh...

Insomnia has plagued me for days, and it has to stop tonight.  Already my anxiety is kicking in over trying to calm down enough to have a good night's sleep - what a vicious cycle. The other day we had a bunch of kids over to play with Gavin.  One inquisitive friend noticed some pictures of Ty and asked "does Gavin have a little brother?"  I have been completely and utterly floored by this question ever since.  It completely took me by surprise that Ty would be mistaken for the younger brother.  That simple question has triggered so many flashbacks of things I haven't remembered in a long time, and I can't seem to make them stop.  Really, really sad memories. I guess enough time has passed now that as Gavin keeps growing, the reality that Ty never will becomes more and more evident.  Gavin, my baby, is now my big boy.  And Ty, the watchful big brother, is now the younger brother because he doesn't get to grow any older than 5 years, 13 days....

... including their hearts!  Back in December 2010, I received a gift in the mail from a stranger in Texas – a Superman Christmas ornament – and it marked the beginning of a great friendship that I will cherish forever.  Kathleen always knows what to say, she never hesitates to reach out to me, and she sends the all-time funniest cards and the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received.  I truly believe she is one of my many gifts from Ty. I am so grateful for her, and so proud that she is an integral part of the TLC Foundation, heading up our Dallas Chapter (you didn't know we had one, did you?).  Last week while we were setting up for her fundraiser, Ty sent a ladybug to show us he was there and he was proud. Childhood cancer is not contagious if you support the cause.  Getting involved won’t ruin your day or make you sad all the time.  It will empower you!  It will make you feel like you are driving change!!  Kathleen and her husb...

The weather in New York has been beautiful this weekend.  Lou and his Dad spent a lot of time outside yesterday getting our yard ready for the summer, and I decided I wanted to BBQ for dinner.  I stopped into the supermarket while Gavin was at Karate practice and I walked the aisles remembering Ty and how much he loved going to the supermarket.  I took a quick spin down the candy aisle just for him, and I felt very, very heavy with sadness and longing.  My trip to the supermarket left me feeling very mopey for the rest of the day knowing Mother's Day was just hours away. At checkout I was taken by surprise when the woman said "Happy Mother's Day," as I was leaving.  "Thanks, you too," I replied, but I couldn't help but think it was an odd assumption.  I was alone, I wasn't buying anything that indicated I have children at home, and I was carrying the weight of my loss on the surface of my skin, making Mother's Day a difficult day to say the lea...

First it was mad cool, or ri donk ulous.  Now it's amazeballs .  Well, Gavin decided to coin another fresh term for something that is really great.  #Indredibaloney.  He had me laughing in the car on the way to preschool this morning.  Where does he come up with this stuff?  I'm not even sure he knew it was funny! So cute.  I think incredibaloney is so superSWAGafragilistic I might have to put it on a tee-shirt.  But seriously he is a funny kid for rizzle .  I thank God for him every day.  His adorable voice alone can make me smile no matter how heavy my heart is feeling. Look at how big he is?  It hurts.  I am not going to get into how much it physically and mentally hurts to watch him grow older than Ty, that goes way beyond words on a page.... I'm talking about the general Mommy hurt you feel when they are growing up too fast and you just can't stop it!  Where did my baby go?  He kept asking me on the days l...

This year, Easter falls just before Gavin's fifth birthday (which is tomorrow! So crazy!).  Knowing all too well how hard it was to watch Gavin hunt for eggs all by himself last year, we are so grateful to our friends Anthony and Yasmine for inviting us to stay with them in Long Beach so Gavin could wake up with his buddies, Eva and Theo, before going to my mom's house for a proper FEASTer.  It was truly a blessing.  It changed everything and last night I went to bed reflecting on a blessed Easter with great friends and family. These days I am trying so hard to embrace each day knowing my life is already fulfilled.  I have been given the greatest gift and learned so much from that little boy who left too soon, everything from this day forward is just a bonus.  I try to seize the day and I often fail miserably, but I will keep trying :) For example - Gavin and Theo are both turning 5 and we later celebrated Gavin's birthday with my family on Easter, so I had to...

Lou has been sick.  He came down with a fever a few nights ago and has since been sleeping in Ty's room to try and keep it from the rest of us. It's sadly appropriate that Ty's room is the "sick" room.  Not at all because Ty was sick too, but because it is a comforting place to be.  When I was pulling down the covers for Lou and setting aside a drink and medication for him the other night, I was a little jealous.  I could barely resist the urge to climb between those SpiderMan sheets myself and sleep in peace for hours on end.  I wanted to feel closer to Ty.  I sat on the edge of the bed and remembered what it felt like to sleep on that tempur-pedic hospital mattress with Ty in between the two of us.  I looked out his window, thinking about how he has the best view in the whole house.  I looked around at all of his incredible things and remembered each and every one of them and why they are so special.  Even the little paper wallet on his n...

HAPPY HAIR Gavin doesn’t understand Gavin tries so hard to understand, but his little mind just can’t comprehend the idea of heaven or spirits and I don’t know how to help him with it.  It’s okay, he isn’t hurting or suffering over the confusion at all, but I wish there was a way to teach him what is so grossly intangible.  He believes that Ty went on a rocket-ship up to heaven and that it is located in outer space.  We never told him any such thing, but ever since he saw the hyperbaric oxygen chamber that one time (we called it “the rocket ship” in an attempt to make it exciting for Ty) that is just what he came up with.  I think it’s because we always say “Hi Ty” whenever we spot the brightest star in the sky, too. Truth is, he also believes there are other places in the universe where Super Heroes are real and where they live.  He’s four/almost five and this is just how his mind works.  Our conversation at the kitchen table today: “Why did Ty ...

I was tired all day yesterday.  I haven't been sleeping well and I guess a number of things caught up with me. Lou had a meeting after work so I put Gavin to bed and ended up falling asleep there for the rest of the night. Maybe that is why Ty finally came to me in my dreams, because I slept so long, or because I was in his little brother's room. I don't know why last night of all nights, but it was wonderful and I have been thinking about it all day.  I want to jump back in and remember every little detail because dreams slip away so quickly.  I want to feel that feeling again as if we are really together, in the flesh. In my dream he was as beautiful as ever.  He was a big boy, and so angelic, just like he looked the weeks leading up to his passing. Dreams are strange and I can't recall everything.  All I know is suddenly, there you were.  I held you. I changed you.  Changing you was so symbolic of the intimate acts of motherhood I engaged ...

The great thing about having a child with a "belly tube" (or a gastrostomy tube) is that we had complete control over Ty's diet.  I was able to make him shakes that were jam-packed with vegetables, proteins, oils and amino acids.  Ty had oral mobility issues, not to mention the outrageous effect chemotherapy had on his taste and his appetite, so most of the time he ate very, very little by mouth.  I don't know what we would have done for his nutrition, not to mention administering his meds, if he didn't have this miraculous device. That being said, he did eat by mouth on his terms.  For example, Ty went through a phase where he loved bacon - I literally kept a box of pre-cooked Oscar Meyer bacon strips in my PURSE for three or four weeks so I could pass him back a strip during our long car rides.  After a month of bacon overload, he never ate it again.  Then there was the "toast" phase where we went through almost a loaf of sliced bread DAILY because h...

So many realities hit me in the face today.  Ty has been gone 17 months today.  I relived him dying in my arms several times today.  Watching his last breaths in my mind as I tried to concentrate on the road between the office and Gavin's preschool. Gavin will be five in just a few short months.  Just after he turns five, he will soon be older than Ty ever was.  He needs all new clothes.  He has grown out of the last pairs of Ty's pants that still fit him.  He can't wear his big brother's clothes much longer.  We need to register him for Kindergarten and even though he has an older brother, this will be the first time Lou and I will ever experience putting our child on a school bus.  Moving on to "big boy" school.  Our youngest, our baby, will soon be our oldest.  He is our "only" child (or, better said, our only child left).  Everything feels so final and all of a sudden it feels like it's all happening at lighting speed...

Life has been absolutely out-of-control busy these past few months.  Busy is always good for me as a means to manage my grief, but eventually it catches up to me.  This weekend Lou went away on his annual snowboarding trip with his friends.  I was so sick of this cold, lonely winter, I decided to take Gavin on a road trip with my besties.  During which, I realized that I really need to watch what I say when I’m driving.  This is something that I imagine every mom can relate to on some level, right? Our first stop was to spend a night with my mom and dad on Long Island.  Whenever I cross the bridge, I undoubtedly run into a world of traffic and it never fails that there are drivers on the road that believe if they haphazardly change lanes, they will get to where they are going faster.  It is so frustrating.  We are all on the same road, going the same speed, and the hyper-active lane changers only put everyone else at risk.  One little brigh...

Before I share Lou's speech, I wanted to share Foundation news.  We are so incredibly proud to introduce Emily Peachey as a new ambassador for the TLC Foundation. Emily stars in the upcoming film The Fault in Our Stars - alongside Shailene Woody, William DeFoe and Laura Dern (based on the NYT bestseller by John Green).  For those of you who haven't read the book yet, it is a story about young love and the reality of childhood cancer.  It is a beautiful and heartbreaking story, and of course it touched Emily deeply since working on the film.  She worked with several cancer patients on-set and was driven to do something!  Many young, up and coming celebrities wouldn't be so caring and selfless, and I find her actions to be so very admirable. We are truly humbled and honored to have her support :) Together we will raise awareness for childhood cancer and make a difference for these kids! The past two weeks have been spent trying to juggle event planning in b...