Friday, June 23, 2017

Where's My Baby?

On my way to work today, I stopped at the supermarket to drop off recyclables.  When I stepped out of the car, I had that inexplicable “mom” feeling to double check the backseat for Bodhi.  That, “where’s my baby” feeling that shakes you up for just a split second until you recall he’s safe at home.

After Ty died, it happened to me all the time, but I never had that comforting relief of remembering he’s safe at home.  Instead it would be followed by the immediate sensation of my heart dropping into my stomach, a brick weighing down on my chest, and a knot in my throat because the opposite was true.  In that instant I was sucked back to reality and reminded that he’s gone forever.

Slowly the instinct faded away.  I rarely look for him in my backseat anymore, and although it is a very natural progression, it still comes coupled with guilt.  I don’t want to feel any distance between us.  We are approaching an anniversary where he’s been gone longer than he’s been with us, and that is just too impossible to imagine.  I remain in shock over losing him, and I will feel this way for the rest of my life.  I simply can’t believe or accept all that has happened to him and to our family. 

Ty and I used to spend every day in the car together.  Driving to NYC for clinic, driving to treatments in Westchester, to “school” and Physical Therapy at Blythedale.  I would reach back while driving and hold his foot all the time, glancing back whenever possible to catch a peek at him seated diagonally behind me. 

When I continued on my way to the office this morning, driving what used to be our usual route on 22 South, I started playing “I Spy” out loud.  “I spy, with my little eye, something…. Green!”  I gave clues to the empty backseat, “it’s not up high in the trees… it’s down low on the ground…” and I tried to recall the sound of his weak little voice saying “gwass!”  After the next challenge, “I spy with my little eye, something… white!” I immediately felt pathetic and desperate.  These intense feelings come on so strong and out of nowhere, sometimes.

Then again, maybe it wasn’t out of nowhere.  It was Gavin’s last day of second grade today.  I thumbed through his elementary school yearbook and identified all the kids I remember from Ty’s preschool and I’m in awe of how much they’ve grown – many of whom are moving up to Middle School next year!   Social media has been filled with graduation photos, and first/last day comparisons.  Friends are making signs and going to the school to pick up their kids in celebration.  But I just can’t find the energy to pretend today.  I wanted to take Gavin to Splash Down or something special, but I think I’ll simply leave work a little early, snuggle him, and just survive today, instead.  

It looks like rain is in the forecast for the next couple of days here in New York.  When you see a muddy puddle… please… you know what to do.  Just do it.  Jump in.  You’re never too old.  Let’s celebrate our kids, and rejoice in our children who are growing up, graduating, living life and loving it!  XOXOXOX.  I’m so proud of them all.

Bodhi and Gavin watching TV together - my heart is exploding!


  1. You are amazing Cindy... I think of TY very often.. He will always have a place in my heart. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  2. "Always heaven is a place nearby
    So I won't be so far away.
    And if you try and look for me
    Maybe you'll find me someday.
    Heaven is a place nearby
    So there's no need to say goodbye
    I wanna ask you not to cry
    I'll always be by your side."

    Ty <3 will be always By your side <3 !!! And you are amazingly beautiful person :) I will send you all my prayers and strenght.


  3. I still check this page often and think of your family often. Lots of love from strangers in Colorado.

  4. Hi Cindy
    I have missed your blog so much
    its almost like I needed your daily update to know you are feeling ok
    I was driving in a car with my baby boy and looking outside recently and enjoying the summer day and suddenly as it happens sometimes I thought of you and also of any mom who hears that her child has cancer
    they are probably not able to see the beauty when they drive with their mind occupied and feeling sad
    the horror of being in a situation when you cant help is the worst feeling ever.
    as always I miss baby Ty your handsome beautiful always smiley boy.
    please know you are always in my thoughts
    miss you superTy.

    PS please share what you are feeding this delicious baby he is so yummy and chubby.

  5. So glad to hear from you!! Love the picture of Gavin and Bodhi! Thank you so much for sharing with us. Somehow you always say What the rest of us can only think but cannot express. I only know Ty through you blogs but I miss him daily also. Keep smiling and know that someday you will have the honor of being with him again. Bless you!!

  6. Cindy, Your writing is so beautiful and sincere. I hope you keep up with it in whatever form. We all look forward to hearing from you as I have learned from reading your comments section.. It's such beautiful and raw honesty, truly unlike another. I am not the only that thinks about your sweet boy and his legacy. You had mentioned CATCH FIRE this weekend :)