Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Blue Lollipops for Your Birthday

To Ty, on your ninth birthday...

All day I’ve wondered what you would look like at 9 years old.  How your voice would sound.  All day I have had a weight on my chest greater than most.  I went through the motions like a zombie.    

I slept poorly last night.  Every time I woke up throughout the night, I knew it was your birthday and begged to dream of you.  Instead I’m not sure if I really slept or dreamt at all.  I heard Gavin’s giant footsteps early in the morning, and my first thought was how big he is, and how you would be even bigger if you were still here.  What size shoe would you wear, I wonder?

The day before, I received a package via priority mail.  It was a wrapped gift just for you – so I placed it next to your picture.  Gavin has been dying to open it, so it was the first thing he asked to do this morning.  It was one of the most special gifts we have ever received – a 3-year sobriety coin that Nadine says you helped her achieve after 30 years of addiction.  Thank you for giving her the strength to face those demons, you are a true guardian angel and you saved her life.  I couldn’t be more proud, and I will cherish your gift forever.

I often imagine two lives other than the one I’m living.  In the first life, you never got sick.  You are strong and athletic, tall and handsome.  You and Gavin are inseparable, and your little baby brother wouldn’t be nine years younger than you – because cancer wouldn’t have interrupted our lives.  In the second life, you survived your cancer, but not without the horrific side effects you suffered.  You’re in a wheelchair, I would still puree your meals for your belly tube, and I wonder if I could still carry you in my arms.  There would be no baby brother at all, because I would be too consumed with your care (and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.  There is nothing on earth I would rather do than take care of you). 

Did you see me crying this morning?  I hope it didn’t make you sad.  I need to feel sad like that sometimes – it helps me feel closer to you.  After your brother got on the bus, I rushed home and collapsed into the couch with loud, ugly tears.  I cried for an eternity until I felt like a balloon – every last bit of me swollen and stretched – somehow I fell asleep on the couch.  Grief is exhausting. 

I woke up soon after with a jolt, and knew I had to get out of our sad house right away.  Ironically, the weight of the day made it impossible to move any faster than a snail’s pace.  I showered forever, I made the bed, I moped and moaned as I picked up around the house.  On my way to the office Daddy called.  We decided to meet up for lunch, and that probably saved me for some of the day.  We love each other so much, and he is the only one I need when I’m missing you. 

I felt you with me every minute of this day yet I couldn't find an ounce of happiness no matter how hard I tried.  I bought blue rock candy after lunch, and later I decided to go to Hannafords (Heiny-Farts) to get your favorite things for dinner.  I heard your voice directing me the entire time, so I bought a pear (even though I haven’t eaten one in years), filet mignon, ditalini noodles, Locatelli cheese, bacon, and beer for daddy.  Daddy called Ria (the Bakeria in Pawling) and asked her to make a blue velvet cake for you, and the girls at the bank made sure it was properly decorated with blue lollipops.  How incredibly special it was. I couldn't even sing "Happy Birthday" through my tears, but Gavin and Daddy did a good job.  Gavin made a wish, and he told me he felt like you heard his wish and you helped him to blow out the candle.  

It was a foggy, heavy day, with countless teary-eyed outbursts of sadness throughout.  To tell you the truth, I need days like this, to just focus on you and all we’ve been through.  Every single day used to be like this… so I’m proud of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve learned to live with gratitude, despite it all.  I am so grateful for you, Ty.  For the chance I had to be your mommy.  For everything you taught me and continue to teach me. 

Baby boy, I hope your birthday today was filled with heavenly fun - running, jumping, flying and laughing.  I miss you so.  I will see you again. 


October 2008

30 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Am writing this article to thank Dr. Keke Odin for the wondrous miracle that he did for me because he helped me recently to bring back my Ex Wife. Thank you sir for your genuine spells. This is really incredible,I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Before i met you Sir, i have tried every possible means that i could to get my wife back, but i actually came to realize that nothing was working out for me, and that my wife had developed lot of hatred for me.. I thought there was no hope to reunite with my wife. But when i read good reviews about how Dr. Keke help others get back there ex lovers, make others to win big on lottery, cure of any sickness. I decided to give it a try and i did everything that he instructed me and i Trusted him and followed his instructions just as he guaranteed me in 48 hours, and that was exactly when my wife called me and come back to me.. I'm so happy for the good work you did for me. We are more contented now than ever. Everything looks perfect and so natural! Thank you so much Sir for your authentic and indisputable spells. Email him now for help greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com or call +1 386-336-9876 . Thanks Sir for your help. once again his email address is
      greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com
      call him on: +1 386-336-9876


      Am writing this article to thank Dr. Keke Odin for the wondrous miracle that he did for me because he helped me recently to bring back my Ex Wife. Thank you sir for your genuine spells. This is really incredible,I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Before i met you Sir, i have tried every possible means that i could to get my wife back, but i actually came to realize that nothing was working out for me, and that my wife had developed lot of hatred for me.. I thought there was no hope to reunite with my wife. But when i read good reviews about how Dr. Keke help others get back there ex lovers, make others to win big on lottery, cure of any sickness. I decided to give it a try and i did everything that he instructed me and i Trusted him and followed his instructions just as he guaranteed me in 48 hours, and that was exactly when my wife called me and come back to me.. I'm so happy for the good work you did for me. We are more contented now than ever. Everything looks perfect and so natural! Thank you so much Sir for your authentic and indisputable spells. Email him now for help greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com or call +1 386-336-9876 . Thanks Sir for your help. once again his email address is
      greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com
      call him on: +1 386-336-9876

      Delete
    2. I AM SO HAPPY DR TRUST, MY HUSBAND IS BACK.

      I completely trusted Dr Trust totally from the time I spoke with him during the period my husband Left me after 11 years of our marriage, He started the spell work on my husband, and gave me so much assurance and guaranteed me that he was going to bring my husband back to my feet in just 48 hours of the spell casting. I was so confident in his work and just as he said in the beginning, my husband is finally back to me again, yes he is back with all his hearts, Love, care, emotions and flowers and things are better now. I would have no hesitation to recommend this powerful spell caster to anybody who is in need of help.. E-mail Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com his website: https://utimatespellcaster.com

      WhatApp or call him +2348156885231

      Do accept my gratitude sir.





      I AM SO HAPPY DR TRUST, MY HUSBAND IS BACK.

      I completely trusted Dr Trust totally from the time I spoke with him during the period my husband Left me after 11 years of our marriage, He started the spell work on my husband, and gave me so much assurance and guaranteed me that he was going to bring my husband back to my feet in just 48 hours of the spell casting. I was so confident in his work and just as he said in the beginning, my husband is finally back to me again, yes he is back with all his hearts, Love, care, emotions and flowers and things are better now. I would have no hesitation to recommend this powerful spell caster to anybody who is in need of help.. E-mail Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com his website: https://utimatespellcaster.com

      WhatApp or call him +2348156885231

      Do accept my gratitude sir.

      Delete
  2. Happy Birthday, Ty! Wow, 9, seems an eternity the day I had to leave work cause I read your mom's blog....she's doing great things! The only thing that helps the hurt is to know you don't!!
    Cindy, you are amazing and you have affected many lives, I don't think you realize. Because of you I love and hug and just appreciate all the little ones in my life a whole lot more, so thanks! Love and Prayers, Terri Campbell Napierski

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  3. Your heartwrenching posts always remind me of the incredible, unyielding power of a mother's love. Love to you and Happy Heavenly Birthday to Ty.

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  4. Happy Birthday sweet Ty. I hope heaven is full of blue lollipops and chocolate gold coins for you today and all days. Sending you and your boys my love Cindy.

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  5. Happy Birthday Beautiful boy.

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  6. Dear Cindy, what s beautiful blog posting. I'm so proud of you for being able to find appreciation. On your birthday you actually used the word "good" to describe your day. It made me happy. October is a tough month and your birthday hasn't been happy. I'm so glad it was "good." Love u big much xo

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    Replies
    1. Ps, love Colleen. Guess I'm not signed in.

      Delete
  7. Happy birthday, angel!

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  8. Heavy hearts....

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  9. Happy birthday sweet boy! Sending my love to you all.

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  10. Francesca BertoldiOctober 5, 2016 at 9:03 AM

    Happy birthday sweet Ty!
    Gorgeous boy brave soul <3

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  11. Heartbreaking, unable to grasp words that even come close to offering comfort. Love to all of you <3 xx

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  12. Happy birthday to Ty the most special little boy in the world who we have all learned so much from and will continue to love forever. I'm so sorry for your sadness. You are both in my thoughts and prayers Cindy. You are so strong and you and Ty were so lucky to have each other.

    Take Care.
    Ann from Buffalo

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  13. Happy birthday Ty....making a wish on your star tonight knowing that you're listening and keeping watch on your loving family. God bless you and your family Cindy!
    Sia and Nick Galli

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  14. I just spent some time reading your past post. Wow how they are moving. Ty is the most loved boy in the entire world. You Cindy should be so. Proud of him and your devotion to your beautiful son. This is a love story Beyoncé words. Amazing mother father child and family. Happy birthday Ty. I can't wait to meet up with you when I get to Heaven.

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  15. Every now and then I pass by to see how you're doing. Every time I feel your ovewhelming love and strength.

    Father of four, Finland

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  16. So much love...he's a lucky boy. All of your boys are so lucky to have you as their Mom.

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  17. Happy Birthday to the best good boy in the whole world! See you in heaven someday. :)

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  18. I was dreading reading this post and putting it aside because I was so afraid of feeling your pain. I imagine Ty being a Healthy beautiful boy 9 yo. Probably a little trouble maker and so handsome. What a dream breaker is this cancer. What a life to take?! How we all wish for this to have a different ending. He made it so far and he did so incredibly well. Thank you Ty for inspiring me in so many ways. Happy heavenly birthday.
    Miss you always baby boy.

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  19. I think about you guys every single day. (((Hugs)))

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  20. I've been following your blog since early 2012, and it brings me to tears every time. My little boy will be five in December, and I have imagined myself in your shoes from the moment he turned two and ten months. A month ago he asked to jump in a parking lot puddle on our way into Target and I immediately said yes - immediately! He got soaked and I had to buy him pants and flip flops haha. No regrets - you've truly taught me how to appreciate him. I can't say I'm sorry enough to express how much I wish you could have been spared the loss of your beautiful son. Thank you for continuing to share your story.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am very late celebrating your birthday this year. It has been a sad year for my family. We have lost 2 family members and 1 good friend. You and I share a birthday dear Ty. Mine was very quiet without much celebrating. I am sure yours was full of fun. Happy belated birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hey guys, I'm so excited of getting my husband back after he left me and our 3 kids for another woman.
    After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman.
    i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again.
    i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband.
    Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me.
    28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,
    All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble,
    if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now.
    Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,his website:http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com . Jessica, 26 years, Texas, USA.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Great article! I hope this helps a lot of women and men out there.

    Fix your marriage and relationship after a breakup or divorce, 100% guarantee Love spell..! A very big problem occurred in my Marriage seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited. I sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he is coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Dr Trust, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at:

    Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com

    WhatApp or Call +2348156885231

    Thanks for reading.

    ReplyDelete


  24. My name is Ruth Moore , Am from UK,i never believe there will ever be a solution to my relationship problem with my lover. my lover called smith Moore threw me out of his house and brought in another lady who he now feels the only best for him. until one day i receive a phone call from a friend in the city that my man is going out on a date with another woman in town, i told her i am also surprise too, because since smith Moore has left me he hardly think nor call me. so after some few days my friend called Martha called me and told me that she has found a man that is very powerful, and he is a great herbalist from Africa, truly we all knows that Africans are blessed with so much herbal voodoo powers which they use to help much people, so he told me that the man name is prophet oyinbo , that she will forward his email address for me so that i can contact him for help, so truly she sent me prophet oyinbo email address and i contacted him that faithful day. he mailed me after a great while that my man will be back to me if only i believe on his work,so after 25hrs i receive a phone call from smith Moore, and he started begging that i should please forgive him against all he had done to me.. he begged me of breaking my heart and letting the other lady a new heart. he promise me never to let go. now i and Smith Moore are now planning to get married as soon as possible. we are brought back with the great powerful love spell and blinded with prophet oyinbo spell, we are happy and glad. so i thank you sir for the great help you offer to me, because i think today this might be the only ways and means i can ever thank you of your work.. i am glad. you can contact him for a love spell today at: prophetoyinbojesus@gmail.com or you can call him at +2348074066640


    ReplyDelete
  25. DIVORCE AND MARITAL BREAKTHROUGH

    It all started when my husband cheated on me with another woman unknowing to him that the woman is a wizard, the woman castes a spell on my husband which made my husband change his feelings towards me and the kids and broke our 6 years marriage. i was confused and stressed because of the pains of being a single mother, when i called a friend and explained my marital challenges to her, she instructed and directed me to contact a great powerful spell caster called Dr. Ugo Wonders living in Florida. i contacted Dr. Ugo and explained my problems, he assured me his help and it was 100% guaranteed. i provided the materials for the spell and in 48 hours, after Dr Ugo Wonders of generalspelltemple@gmail.com finished casting the spell, my husband was free from the evil woman spell and he came back home to us a day after begging us to forgive him. i was so shocked and short of words and here i am today happily testifying so the world can know how this great man helped me with his real powerful spell.
    To every one with marital problem, divorce issues, lost lover or any relationship related issues, you can contact Dr. Ugo wonders the ultimate spell caster via his email address generalspelltemple@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete