Physically, I have been feeling great despite my rapid weight gain :) Every day has been so busy I barely have time to think. But whenever I get in the car to drive, I am alone with my grief and feeling so terribly sad lately. Like an itch that can’t be scratched, it is always there, lingering underneath my skin no matter how happy I truly am on the surface.
I think about how, although the idea of having another baby has infused a lot of happiness and anticipation into our lives, the truth remains that Ty’s absence is still so tremendously present. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but nothing has changed, not even one bit. I miss him. This wasn’t supposed to be my life. And I would give anything to have HIM back. It is all I really want.
Yesterday was an emotional afternoon. I cried driving home from work. I was wondering what my life would look like if he was still here. Would he be in a big boy wheelchair with a joystick controller? Would his speech still be so weak? Or would we have triumphant days at physical therapy – making baby steps toward getting him back on his feet. How would he be with Gavin and vice versa? Would we still be welcoming a new baby into our home? Then I think about what our life should look like. Our life where cancer never showed it’s ugly face. Where Ty is running strong on the soccer field and playing catch with his little brother outside. It was all so incredibly heartbreaking to imagine.
I hosted a Mess Fest meeting at the TLC office later last night. We met with GiantKids, another nonprofit in the area, to discuss how we are working together to make it an incredible experience for the children in attendance who have battled/are battling cancer and other life-threatening illnesses. I get so excited planning this event, because it is just so magical. We were talking through the various activities planned and sharing exciting new ideas.
Toward the end of the meeting I started scratching my inner wrist. It was just a bit irritated and I was mindlessly rubbing it to sooth the itch. I thought I might be feeling bumps, so I quietly hoped it wasn’t some type of rash forming and we ended the meeting shortly thereafter. In the car I started scratching furiously, turned on the light and took a good look at my wrist. I then realized that the itch was isolated to my “Thank You” tattoo. In fact, the letters – the large T Y specifically – were slightly swollen and puffy so you could feel the outline of the letters if you rubbed your fingers against it.
HOW CRAZY IS THAT? I was in complete awe over it. His name - right there in front of me. I have never received a more obvious and miraculous sign from my boy than this. It has NEVER happened before, my tattoo never bothered me for a second and I’ve had it for almost 3 years. The slight swelling went away soon afterward. It didn’t cause any discomfort… he just needed to get my attention and let me know that he is with me.
You just have to believe there is something so much bigger than this life. And whatever it is, it is pretty amazing.