Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Spring Cleaning with New Meaning

I spent the weekend cleaning out the closets with Lou.  And the toy chests.  Every time it gets a bit easier as I find less and less of Ty’s things. It’s natural for a home to transition from baby toys, to big kid toys, to teenager “stuff.”  But when the traces of a life lost slowly disappear from existence, it is painful on a level that I can’t put into words. 

This year, I am giving away a silly toy where you blow into a pipe and try to balance a little foam ball as it floats above.  Aunt Debi bought it for Ty while he was in the hospital.  It was great for his therapy, but he never quite recovered the strength to get the ball in the air.  It was time to let it go.  I was consumed with guilt as I watched my hand open and the object drop into a garbage bag.  It feels as if I’m throwing away another memory, but at the same time I know I can’t keep everything (unless we're talking about a decomposing cake - that I can keep forever). 

This year, Spring Cleaning had new meaning.  Lou and I are expecting a new baby in October, so we had to consider keeping some of the items that would have otherwise been disposed of.  It was so strange to imagine we should hold onto those car seats, and the toy kitchen.  Surreal, really.  I know, many of you are probably shocked reading this.  I never really talked about having another baby… I think because I never truly believed it would happen for us, and it made me feel vulnerable.   

Cancer didn’t just rob Ty of his childhood (and his adulthood, and everything in between).  It robbed our entire family of what we were supposed to be.  I wanted to have at least one more baby after Gavin.  A girl (of course) and the three of them would grow up being the best of friends.  When Ty was sick I often cried to Lou about how cancer was threatening us with Ty’s life, and also stealing our opportunity to add a new life to our family.  We needed to be 100% there for our son, and a baby was an impossible thought. 

After we lost him, my thoughts about getting pregnant were so terribly inconsistent.  On one hand, I shuddered at the thought – as if a new baby would be a futile effort to replace the irreplaceable.  On the other hand – I was in a panic because so much time had passed, I was so much older than I wanted to be if I was going to get pregnant, and my ovaries were shouting “tick-tock” when I tried to sleep at night.  I worried that if something happened to me and Lou, Gavin would be alone in life. 

A couple of years ago, Lou and I agreed that maybe a baby would be a good idea.  Maybe it would bring some light and happiness back into our home.  We tried to get pregnant, but it didn’t happen.  I was shocked and angry because I never had any trouble getting pregnant before.  Why?  Why when I’m already in so much pain do I have to suffer another monthly reminder of how terribly wrong my life turned out. 

I spoke to a doctor about the trouble we were having and he had lots of suggestions.  None of which felt right.  Lou and I decided that after all we’ve been through, we didn’t want to take any measures to make it happen.  If it was meant to be, it was meant to be.  And when I turned 40 in October, I truly started to accept that it wasn’t.  In January my best friend treated me to a girl’s weekend in Puerto Rico where I shared my acceptance of this fact, and she insisted – poolside with a cocktail in hand – that I would get pregnant.  That I was being ridiculous for talking like that and together we laughed and decided that if I did have a baby it would be a little girl (obviously) and I would name her Faith.

Turns out, when you give up on getting pregnant, accept your life as it is, and start planning for a different future, that’s when life likes to get interesting again. I got pregnant soon after that trip and I am going to have a baby in October.  Just when I got truly comfortable with the fact that Gavin can take his own showers, wipe his own butt (sometimes), fold clothes (sort-of) and clean his room.

Sorry we didn’t tell anyone sooner.  But I’m 40, and the statistics on things going wrong at this “advanced maternal age” are frightening.  After all we’ve been through, I needed to get the results from multiple screening tests and blood work before I was convinced everything is going to be okay.  The benefit of all this advance screening for old ladies like me is that we also get to find out the sex of the baby early-on and guess what?.... it’s a boy.  I’ll share my thoughts on that in a few days because I need time to spill the mix of emotions I have over that fact. 

This morning I caught the early train.  I stopped by the bakery just as they were opening for a coffee and a warm, sticky, fruit and cheese Danish.  I got settled on the last car, opened the bag, and just as I was getting it on with that delicious morsel, I felt him move. 

It’s real.  This finally feels like it’s really happening!  And I guess he loves a warm danish as much as I do! 

Just like that, I traded in my vision of pigtails and sundresses for my new morning date at the bakery.  He will hold my hand and point his little chubby fingers to his favorite cookies behind the glass, and I will buy him anything and everything he wants :)






63 comments:

  1. Oh Cindy! I am beyond thrilled for you!! Congratulations. I guess October will forever be an intense month. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. SUCH HAPPY NEWS !!!!!! CONGRATS!!! XOXO

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  3. Couldn't be happier for you and your family! Here's to happy surprises!!

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  4. Crying happy tears for your family. Congratulations this is fantastic news!!

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  5. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

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  6. Sitting at my desk in tears! What a wonderful surprise. Blessings to your entire family!!

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  7. I could not be happier for you and your family! I can't wait to read your blogs about this new little addition in the future!

    Congrats!!

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  8. Was so hoping you would be able to welcome another child into your life. I know, too, that the month of October is steeped in both joy and grief for you, and I so hope that this upcoming birth can tip the scales a bit toward more joy. Congratulations to you and your family ~

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  9. Cindy, I have been following your blog for years. I actually introduced myself to you one day at the cheesecake factory in Danbury. I am SOOOOO over the moon excited for you, Lou and Gavin. So much love and excitement...and of all months, October!! Congrats!

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  10. So happy for you and your family! Now Ty will have two little brothers to watch over!

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  11. OMG!! I am so excited, I have followed you from the beginning and prayed that you would have another baby. I had a dream when waiting for my granddaughter to be born and remember Ty was in it and told me that was his job to bring the newborns to their mommys. He said wait til you see "her", we did not know it was a girl yet and he said her eyes and hair, wow! She has the bluest eyes and a thick head of cold black hair!! Wow, I am teared up with joy for you guys!! Love and Prayers, Terri from Illinois

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  12. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!! So very happy to hear this beautiful news!!! Cant wait to meet your newest little angel! xo

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  13. Omg...eyes filled with happy ecstatic tears the second I read this. I had hoped for so long that you would have another baby. You and Lou are such amazing parents and any child would be so lucky to have you both. I cannot express how happy this has made me. Thus made my day, month, year. God bless you guys...XXOO from St. Louis, MO.

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  14. I was hoping I would read this news one day. Thrilled for all of you.

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  15. Congratulations!!! I, too, was hoping to read this one day :) So exciting! Your family has been and always will be in my prayers.

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  16. Cindy, I am so happy for all of you!

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  17. Reading this made my day. I can't stop smiling.

    Many, many congratulations to you, Cindy. I hope you know how much you are loved by all of us.

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  18. Cindy, I have read your blog since about a year before your sweet boy went to heaven. I prayed so hard for him to get well and was so so sorry when I read your news that day. And today I am equally as thrilled for you and Lou and Gavin. Nothing, nothing, will replace Ty, but as a mother who has also lost a baby, this new life will make it a bit easier to bear. I am beyond thrilled for you. Much love always

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  19. Congratulations! What beautiful news. :)

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  20. CONGRATULATIONS!! I am so happy for you and your family. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I had my first baby at 40 and wasn't able to have any more so it thrills me to hear that this wish came true for you, you all deserve some joy in your life!! Wishing you a wonderful pregnancy and all the best with this new adventure.

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  21. Oh my God, crying, crying, crying for you... happy happy happy tears. I have been praying for more joy in your life, exactly in the form of another baby, boy or girl.... So happy you got pregnant, I can't even handle it! And I don't even know you personally :) Just sending lots of love your way, now and always. Christine - mom to Gavin and his 2 brothers.

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  22. CONGRATULATIONS!!! So very happy for the entire family!!

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  23. This is the best news I've heard in a long, long time! Congratulations. So happy for you and your family.

    Ann from Buffalo

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  24. Oh boy! (pun intended) I happened to be at work in a waiting room with a client reading this and couldn't even control the explosion of happiness from eyes! I think my patient thought I was nutso, but who cares!! These are the best kind of tears to cry! SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS!!!!

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  25. Yay! I am so excited for you and your family!

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  26. I am so happy for your family!!! It won't lessen your grief over losing Ty, but there will be brand new reasons to keep moving forward. Big hug!!!

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  27. A thousand blessings on you and your baby! It was meant to be and Ty has so much to do with that, you will learn every day. I had my second at 40, practically divine intervention, and I wouldn't trade the way it worked out for the world.

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  28. Cindy your amazing I been following you from the beginning and I am so truly happy for you and Lou and Gavin October Is a beautiful time
    To have a baby libra rock and happy tears for you wishing you much love and happiness and always believe God bless you and your beautiful family xoxox

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  29. Although I do not know you personally, I have followed Ty's story for several years. I continue to be inspired by your journey as you honor the life of your beautiful boy who has left an imprint upon my heart. I am thrilled for you and your family. Congratulations!

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  30. Congratulations and Best Wishes on the new bundle of joy that you are baking in your oven. May he grow-up a healthy, and blessed addition to your family. He will be off to an excellent start with you as his Mom, Lou as his Dad, Gavin as an older brother and SuperTy as his protective Angel. Many Blessings of Love enfold the entire family. Much Love to you al.

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  31. I am so happy for you Cindy. I literally gasped out loud as I read your news. Best wishes for a comfortable pregnancy and a most healthy baby. Thank you for sharing. I often think of you and have been hoping to hear about this one day. So happy for you and your family. -Judi Markowitz

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  32. So excited for you all...I stopped seeing you on my newsfeed and just came here the other day to catch up...I guess that's all FB needed to have this exciting news pop up today!! YAY YAY YAY!!!

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  33. I could not be any happier...just so happy for you all. New baby and new memories...Gavin must be so excited!

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  34. Cindy I've been following your blog and Ty's story for years and I'm sitting in my car crying tears of joy for you and your family. Ty will be watching over all of you and his new baby brother with a big smile on his face.

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  35. So very very happy for you all!!! TRUE BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN..thanks TY you always have a magical way and sending mommy daddy and Gavin gifts at the right time..no worries Cindy I had my FIRST babies at 42 and 43 and I was treated like a DINOSAUR but it was fine! Feeling like one now soon to be 48 with a 4 and 5 year old but SOOOO WORTH IT.. Sending love and hugs
    Love Gabrielle

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  36. I am so ecstatic for you all. This some SUPER great news and thank you for letting us share this this with all of you. We are all truly blessed.

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  37. Such an amazing blessing for your family! I am so happy for you.

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  38. OH Cindy, I am sat at my desk in work and i literally gasped out loud with joy, i am silently letting the tears flow, (hiding my face of course) they are tears of happiness for you and Lou (Gavan too) It is just the best news, I have read your blog every single day and in secret thought maybe one day you will be blessed again:) it is just the best. I think I need to go and get a cup of tea or something, the lump in my throat is just huge right nowxxx sending so many hugsxxxxxxxx

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  39. That is such wonderful news that congratulations doesn't begin to express the happiness that I have for you. God bless.

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  40. Oh, sweet breath of life!
    Congratulations and much love and happiness to you and your beautiful family. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers.

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  41. I am crying such big, happy tears for you and your family. I am just a stranger, but I have followed you for years and years. This is such beautiful news. Thank you for sharing.

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  42. Congratulations!! I too have been reading your posts for years now. I am so very happy for your entire family. Though I don't know you, I feel as though you are family. I wish you a wonderful pregnancy, and I know you will have a beautiful baby boy. Thank you for sharing your news.

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  43. Congratulations Cindy and Lou and Gavin! <3 I read this several days ago and have been thinking of you guys ever since. :)

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  44. Soo happy for all of you!!
    Love, Angela

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  45. Absolutely wonderful news! Congratulations!! Gavin will be a wonderful big brother and I'm sure he'll tell his little brother all about Ty. Good luck with everything! October :) Maybe this is Ty's way of making October a little easier this year. <3

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  46. It is strange...like ive been reading your blog, and after all this time..i was shocked !! kind of happy for you and sad also...because life goes on..even when the really love ones are gone. Congrats.

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  47. Thank you for sharing so much of you with all of us. You have made me "stop and smell the roses"...especially when dealing with my kids. I am so happy for you and your family!! Best wishes for the Best of everything. Your one special woman... and an extraordinary mom.

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  48. I cried reading this.
    I cried and I don't even know why because I don't actually know you.
    It's been about two years since I started following your story by now and you and your family and your story together with many others inspired and still inspire me. Your strength and your determination are onesof the reasons why I'm determined to study medicine and who knows maybe one day make a difference in this world.
    You are a beautiful person with a tough past and you make an extraordinary mum , you're are the definition of "beautifully broken" to me.
    I feel so happy for you, I truly think that this baby will be a blessing to your family and although he will obviously never replace Ty , I do believe he will be a gift Ty picked up just for you, his own way to say how much he loves you and although he knows that you miss him so much there's always a new beginning.
    I truly hoped the baby was going to be a boy , as I just said it's never going to replace Ty but I definitely believe that you're a boys mum other than a girls one and Ty knows that!!
    I wish this little boy of yours to have the happiest life playing with his dynamic big brother Gavin and being watched and protected by his personal angel Ty , I wish him to have the strength and the courage and the sweetness of his older brother Ty and to truly live everything his life will offer him!
    A kiss from Italy
    Francesca ;)

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  49. Congratulations to you all!! What a lovely blessing who will have a built in guardian angel from the start (:

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  50. Congratulations. ..what a blessing. So happy for all of you!!!

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  51. Congratulations. ..what a blessing. So happy for all of you!!!

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  52. So HAPPY for your family! XOXOX

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  53. This news just made my day ! I have followed Ty's journey from the beginning and what a lucky little boy he is to be welcomed into such a loving family

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  54. Mazel tov! I have been following your blog for some time now. I am so happy to read this news. I have so much hope for you and your family and wish you all the best.

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  55. I hadn't visited your blog in a while and started with earlier posts before I got to this one and boy was I in store for a treat! From the cake to the bakery!
    Congratulations! This new baby boy of yours will be so loved! (and by many!) He is so lucky to have his own guardian angel already watching over him! We all are so happy that you and your family will find even more joy with this new bundle!

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  56. Congratulations, Cindy!! I just read this post and I am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing your good news.

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  57. Every now and then I stop by to see how you're doing. I am glad to know that everything is getting better and better, sakta men säkert in Swedish. I wish you all good luck.

    Father of four from Finland

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  58. Such wonderful news! Congratulations to you Cindy and to Gavin, Lou and of course...to Ty. He loves you so much and wants to see you happy. This new beautiful boy will not replace him or detract from his loss- but I know it will bless your home with more life and beauty! And Gavin will be the best big brother! Sending warm wishes to you all from AZ!
    Lisa

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  59. I am laughing and crying. I knew it! I saw your pictures on the Facebook recently and you were hiding behind someone and I knew! Gavin will be a big brother just like Ty. And a boy!? And in October!! That's so amazing. Ty is creating magic all over him.
    And hey lady, congrats on another boy. My hopes of having a girl disappeared as well when I welcome my third boy 10 months ago. Boys rock!!! Miss you Ty.
    Tatiana

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  60. With the help of a man called Dr.Addo I was able to get pregnant though his root and herbs. I'm 47years of age, it was really difficult for me to pregnant though my husband loves me but it was really hurting me not having my own child but after many years I came across Dr.Addo whose email address is ( addosolution@gmail.com ) he gave me Root and herbs and I was pregnant a week after i his help. I'm 7months pregnant now and also I will like to advice everyone looking for help to get pregnant to contact this very man via his email address: ( addosolution@gmail.com )

    Vivian from CANADA

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