Sunday, July 12, 2015

Where did my baby go?

...and I don’t mean Ty.  Because that is a question I won't know the answer to for as long as I live.  I mean... really… where is he?  I believe in a beautiful place but I don’t understand what that means, what it looks like or where he is exactly.  None of us do -- no matter how confident we are in our faith. 

No, I mean my baby.  My Gavin.  What the hell just happened?  When did he get so tall?  How is it that he is finished with kindergarten already?  Off to the first grade soon!?!  On the first day of school he was such a baby.  With his oversized backpack and new sneakers that were one size too big for growing into.  Today, it became obvious that my baby is long gone and far away.

He speaks perfectly.  That adorable speech delay has vanished completely and he hasn’t asked to watch Paw Patrol in so long I can’t even remember.  He watches big kid movies and he thinks Sharknado is hilarious.  

Speaking of "hilarious," he uses that word all the time, in perfect context.  And he always sounds so grown up.  

I am sad about this.  I am “mom” not “mommy” anymore, sometimes even Cindy.  And as much as I love how our conversations have evolved and I can’t wait to see who he becomes as the years pass by, I feel like my time being a mommy has flown by and so much of that time was robbed from me by stupid cancer. 

I can’t ever get that time back.  A feeling I know all too well. 

But then something catches my attention on the kitchen counter.  My little bud vase is filled with the flowers that he still picks for me, most of which are wildflowers that others would deem weeds, and I realize he is still there – my baby – just not in the same way. 

I am so grateful that he still sees the flower, not the weed.  I hope he never loses that!  I am grateful that he still looks for me first when he stubs his toe or scrapes his knee, and that every single time I say "I love you" it is followed by his, "I love you more." 

I just love this big little fresh face.  


  1. Wow, he looks so tall and thinned out!! I'm with you Cindy, wish they would just stay little. Even when they are 30 and 40, we still want them to need us. I think they do. I still need my mom, even though she is gone, not too many days go by that I don't feel like I need her. Gosh, when I started following you Gavin was just a baby, seemed like he was with an aunt or a grandma, while you were at the hospital. I think that makes our kids more independent when they've spent time with others at a young age, my first few kids I stayed home, my last one I worked. He is so different, does not need me as much as the others! So, just try and enjoy while you can, they grow up in a flash! Love you guys, Terri From Illinois

  2. awe he is beautiful, he has grown since I started reading your blog Cindy, he is so like you :) My son is 3, 4 in August and it still amazes me each day how he seems to grow before my eyes.. I hope he will always need me too:) I am sure Gavan will:) Hugsxxxx

  3. Gavin is so adorable and he looks just like you, Cindy!! My 5-yr-old is not a baby anymore, either, so I know how time flies as well.....

  4. Such a sweet post Cindy. I think about your family often and love your updates. :) :) Love, Emily

  5. Oh and I think Gavin looks just like Cindy too!!

  6. They grow way too fast. All the baby faces and sweet innocence is quickly replaced by more maturity and confidence. He will always be your baby, no matter how old. I promise. Enjoy thus new phase, for it too will soon be replaced by yet another in this crazy and beautiful gift we have of watching our babies become "big people" with independent thoughts. He is beautiful. He looks a lot like you. Enjoy your summer with your little "big" boy.

  7. Thinking of you Cindy, TY , Lou and Gavin.. as always :) -Emily

  8. Dear Cindy you were chosen to be a mommy for the most thoughtful funny little boy. As stupid cancer stole so much valuable time from you and Gavin it never stole his love for you. His gift is that he is always there to make you laugh and to melt your heart. May he always bring you flowers and love you "more".

  9. Hi Cindy,

    Its been awhile, but I think about you guys every day. I am going through the same thing with Alex. He is going into 2nd grade and is now obsessed with Ninjago and Power Rangers. . .No more Max and Ruby, Paw Patrol and Octonauts. His room is Cars and he told me he doesn't want a car room anymore. . . :( I am not having any more children, and this is a very bitter sweet time for me. I am hoping to get through Christmas this year and him not questioning anything. However, he does tell me that he is "never leaving me" and when he gets married him and his wife will live with us lol.

    Of course, I did not deal with all you've dealt with. . .I still can't imagine. You're such an incredible mommy and you're doing incredible things for children who so desperately need you.

    They both will always be your babies. <3

    Joy Marielle