Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Hugging my boys tight tonight

There was a tragic accident on the Metro North Railroad tonight. 

I was riding on the same train line, in the front car, that rode right over the same intersection just 25 minutes beforehand.  I caught the earlier train in a rush to get home to my family. 

A woman in a Jeep drove over the train tracks when the bars were down causing a fiery collision and killing six people including herself - I don't know how many are injured but I can only imagine it was horrific.  The idea of what it must have looked like to be trapped in that train car makes my heart pound outside of my chest.  Sleep is escaping me as my mind races through the scene over and over. 

I can't get the picture of Gavin out of my head.  What would happen to him if I were one of the casualties?  There are children at home right now facing that exact reality and it is such a difficult thought to bear.  Life can be so cruel and unfair.  Just like that, lives are changed forever.

Just the other night I wrote about how I promised Gavin we would die together.  I don't want that, of course, (I hope Gavin lives a long happy life beyond my years) but I have never felt such fear of leaving him here to live his life without me as I did tonight.  His world would be shattered.  His beautiful face would carry nothing but heartache.  I can never ever let that happen!  How can I be sure that it never ever happens?  As much as I couldn't control the cancer for Ty, the reality of an accident any time, any way, is heavy on my mind tonight.  It's just so effing sad. 

At night before falling asleep I always whisper "Good Night, Ty.  I can't wait to see you again."  Because it's true, I really do look forward to the day I die so I can be with him again someday.  But thinking about Gavin here without me is as difficult as thinking about Ty in heaven without me.  Harder even, because life on Earth is so tough and Gavin needs me here so desperately.  At least now, while he is so young and so needy. 

I love both my boys so much it hurts.  I'm heading upstairs to my bedroom to kiss Ty's urn goodnight and watch Gavin as he sleeps while I kiss his chubby little lips and breathe in his sweet breath.  Wish I had them both with me to hug tighter tonight, but I will double up on Gavin so much that Ty will feel the extra snuggles wherever he is. 

12 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! This is so tragic. Thankful to hear you are okay. Praying for the lives lost and their families....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cindy you are remarkable.you truly move the world with your breath.Always. Extra love . especially tonight! Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Glad to hear that your safe and sound. Prayers to the families involved in this tragic accident.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Heart breaking for all those involved.. Prayers are being sent... I still am touched to the core with your strength....

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so glad you are OK.

    ReplyDelete
  6. oh no, I am glad you are okay, so sad for those families that will be effected. I will hold Reece extra tight tonightxxx Lots of Hugs to youXXXX

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow what a scary feeling it is. I am so with you on that one that sometimes I thibk that me dying would be soooo devastating on my boys. It would just ruin their lives forever. Kids should have their mommies. They need our hugs kisses our loves. Will be hugging my boys super tight tonight.
    Missing on Ty but deep down I know how safe he is now from everything that is happening in this world.

    ReplyDelete
  8. As a mother of two boys myself, my thoughts echo your thoughts, Cindy. Love them both so much!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. So scary. I hope you slept well.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I was in a collision like this once. Someone died and the occupant of the vehicle on the tracks died as well. I was catching the last train back--sitting in the car in the back as I tend to do (there aren't many cars on the last train out, three or four usually), nodding off at the moment of impact. I can tell you I never went from asleep to awake so fast in my life than that moment, and the whole experience was obviously very traumatizing. I'm glad that you were spared from having to go through this yourself. Your family has endured more than its fair share of loss. Ty wants you on Earth with Gavin and Lou. He will be there for you all when it's your time. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Watching my husband and sons playing outside in the snow just now, thinking how impt and special that time is together. Cindy, I looked down at the windows sill and what did I see? A ladybug! Never see them in our house in the middle of winter. Not a coincidence I'm sure...xo a reader of your blog & admirer

    ReplyDelete