There was a tragic accident on the Metro North Railroad tonight.
I was riding on the same train line, in the front car, that rode right over the same intersection just 25 minutes beforehand. I caught the earlier train in a rush to get home to my family.
A woman in a Jeep drove over the train tracks when the bars were down causing a fiery collision and killing six people including herself - I don't know how many are injured but I can only imagine it was horrific. The idea of what it must have looked like to be trapped in that train car makes my heart pound outside of my chest. Sleep is escaping me as my mind races through the scene over and over.
I can't get the picture of Gavin out of my head. What would happen to him if I were one of the casualties? There are children at home right now facing that exact reality and it is such a difficult thought to bear. Life can be so cruel and unfair. Just like that, lives are changed forever.
Just the other night I wrote about how I promised Gavin we would die together. I don't want that, of course, (I hope Gavin lives a long happy life beyond my years) but I have never felt such fear of leaving him here to live his life without me as I did tonight. His world would be shattered. His beautiful face would carry nothing but heartache. I can never ever let that happen! How can I be sure that it never ever happens? As much as I couldn't control the cancer for Ty, the reality of an accident any time, any way, is heavy on my mind tonight. It's just so effing sad.
At night before falling asleep I always whisper "Good Night, Ty. I can't wait to see you again." Because it's true, I really do look forward to the day I die so I can be with him again someday. But thinking about Gavin here without me is as difficult as thinking about Ty in heaven without me. Harder even, because life on Earth is so tough and Gavin needs me here so desperately. At least now, while he is so young and so needy.
I love both my boys so much it hurts. I'm heading upstairs to my bedroom to kiss Ty's urn goodnight and watch Gavin as he sleeps while I kiss his chubby little lips and breathe in his sweet breath. Wish I had them both with me to hug tighter tonight, but I will double up on Gavin so much that Ty will feel the extra snuggles wherever he is.