The weather in New York has been beautiful this weekend. Lou and his Dad spent a lot of time outside yesterday getting our yard ready for the summer, and I decided I wanted to BBQ for dinner. I stopped into the supermarket while Gavin was at Karate practice and I walked the aisles remembering Ty and how much he loved going to the supermarket. I took a quick spin down the candy aisle just for him, and I felt very, very heavy with sadness and longing. My trip to the supermarket left me feeling very mopey for the rest of the day knowing Mother's Day was just hours away.
At checkout I was taken by surprise when the woman said "Happy Mother's Day," as I was leaving. "Thanks, you too," I replied, but I couldn't help but think it was an odd assumption. I was alone, I wasn't buying anything that indicated I have children at home, and I was carrying the weight of my loss on the surface of my skin, making Mother's Day a difficult day to say the least.
There are so many women like me who have lost children, or those who lost their mother; there are women who may desperately wish for motherhood but have yet to be granted such a gift, and others who have respectfully opted out of motherhood. Although the intentions are nothing but kind, "Happy Mother's Day" wishes can be hurtful. Those words are delivered with an invisible sting in the tail. I recognize only the best wishes behind the statement, and while I have every intention to take time to myself today and to enjoy Lou and Gavin on this beautiful day, it is impossible for me to have a truly "Happy" Mother's Day. I will have a content Mother's Day. I will enjoy my family; I will remember I am blessed to have my incredible Mom; I will stare at Gavin a little too much because I love him so; and I will survive this day with a broken smile on my face.
I spent a lot of time going back to May 2011, May 2012, May 2013 to read about my previous Mother's Day experiences. God, we have been through so much. Ty, especially, had such a difficult life in the short time he was here. I also looked back at all of the pictures, which has a magical way of bringing me right back to that place where Ty once was. I swear, his beautiful face can bring tears to the eyes of any stranger! He was just too good to stay.
This was the last photo I took of us together while he was awake. He let me take him for a walk around the house and outside in our yard. I recited "We're going on a Bear Hunt" from one of his favorite books, and we took a break to sit on the wooden bench in front of our house. I remember every minute of that walk, specifically how his beautiful green eyes looked in the sunlight, and where he had one tiny brown speck in the green of his left eye. I recently planted some Spring flowers in the planters next to that bench. I needed to add some color and some happiness to that space after the snow finally melted so I filled them with yellow and purple pansies. When I was finished, I sat on the bench to talk to Ty and get lost in my memories of him. I was suddenly compelled to document our time together on that bench and started instinctively carving the words "Ty was here" right into the wood using a garden clipper. My tears were falling onto the wood as I carved, and I was very satisfied with my work after I finished. Anyone who stops to sit on that bench will know that Ty was here and he was important.
My first Mother's Day was such an incredible honor. I held my baby boy in my arms, and I finally understood what motherhood meant. It is so much more than I ever could have possibly imagined, and I was so happy to celebrate the day! Lou surprised me with this most adorable framed photo of Ty, that adorned my desk at work ever since. He has always been so thoughtful. Best husband ever. Cutest baby ever, too.
Even cuter was his first attempt at taking the picture. In true baby fashion, Ty ate the sign.
There's something about writing that immediately helps clear my mind. I guess I don't write as often because I don't need it as much as I used to, which is a good thing, but on days like this it remains such a release for me. I feel better already and am inspired to get off the couch, take a shower, and enjoy this beautiful day outside with Lou and Gavin. No more moping, I am going to try and make this Mother's Day a semi-happy one. Thank you all for caring so much, and for continuing to support our family.. XOXO.