Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Finally, I dreamed of you
I was tired all day yesterday. I haven't been sleeping well and I guess a number of things caught up with me. Lou had a meeting after work so I put Gavin to bed and ended up falling asleep there for the rest of the night. Maybe that is why Ty finally came to me in my dreams, because I slept so long, or because I was in his little brother's room.
I don't know why last night of all nights, but it was wonderful and I have been thinking about it all day. I want to jump back in and remember every little detail because dreams slip away so quickly. I want to feel that feeling again as if we are really together, in the flesh.
In my dream he was as beautiful as ever. He was a big boy, and so angelic, just like he looked the weeks leading up to his passing.
Dreams are strange and I can't recall everything. All I know is suddenly, there you were. I held you. I changed you. Changing you was so symbolic of the intimate acts of motherhood I engaged in every day because even in my dream you were lying down and unable to move. You spoke to me, but only when responding to something I said or answering my questions. It was very slow moving, like time was standing still, and I can still hear that little whisper in my ear.
"How do you feel?"
"I love you so much"
"I wub you"
"Can you stay?"
He didn't answer. The dream went on and I can't recall exactly what else happened or what else we talked about, I just know that every time I asked him the same thing... "Can you stay?" he didn't answer. It's the last thing I can remember before Gavin woke me.
There is so much more I want to ask him. I wish I could go back.