Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I'm gonna love you forever

“I love you, Mommy.”  
Gavin says that to me several times a day, out of the blue.  It is one of my most favorite things.  This morning he asked, “Do you know why I always say ‘I love you?’” 
“No, why?”
“Because I am gonna love you forever.”  And just like that, my broken bleeding heart burst with happiness. 

Today was a snow day.  We got bundled up and headed outside so Gavin could play while I shoveled.  I watched him as he stood with his mouth open, hoping to catch some snowflakes.  I watched him lay on the snow and look up into the sky in undisturbed silence for several minutes.   Everything is so quiet under the peaceful insulation of the snow.  It is almost as if the beauty itself has more clarity – at least I think so – and I believe Gavin was feeling that very same phenomenon.  I tried to leave him alone to enjoy the illusion of solitude in the soft and peaceful surroundings of our yard (with the exception of my scraping shovel that he scolded me for a few times). 

Later I took Gavin to see his very first movie in the movie theater - Frozen.  I know, he is pretty old for it to be his first, but he also never expressed any interest and he just can’t sit still for long.  For a movie that I thought was overall “Meh,” I was so impressed because he really took it all in and enjoyed every minute.  I know a lot of people really loved it, so maybe I just wasn't feeling it because I was in a bit of a cloud overall that day.  Regardless, he was such a good boy. 

Gavin at his very first movie - Frozen
At the concession stand, we bought a box of candy as a tribute to Ty, and I was so surprised when Gavin changed his mind after buying a box of peanut butter M&M’s (his favorite) and instead pointed to the box of Starburst in the window (Ty’s favorite) and asked me if he could trade.  Those moments keep me smiling, because they remind me that I don’t have to keep looking so hard for my angel – he shows me he is with us all the time. 

Ty at his first and only movie - Despicable Me 3D
In this video, Gavin is pretending to be a turkey hunter.  This is something Ty never got to do.  My experience of Gavin at 4 years old is so entirely different than what I experienced with Ty, for so many obvious reasons.  One of which includes his very different personality, of course, but watching Gavin with a feather in his hat, crouching around my house hunting turkeys for Thanksgiving with a pretend bow and arrow has me thinking “What would four-year-old Ty have been like if he never had such physical limitations?  If he attended preschool the way Gavin does and took home all the exciting things he learned like Gavin does.” 

Ty was limited to the couch.  He watched Max and Ruby incessantly.  Gavin watches TV, but with much less interest because he has the ability to go off and get lost in his Lego wars for hours on end.  Oh how I wish things were different for Ty.  Even if he wasn’t going to beat the cancer in the end, I wish he was able to be a normal kid before relapse.  When lamenting over this – which I do every day since that is my main focus here at the foundation – my greatest blessing is knowing it bothered me more than it seemed to bother him.   He smiled so easily despite the unfairness of it all.  

So while I am so brokenhearted over all the normal childhood activities that Ty missed out on, I am equally brokenhearted over the time I lost with Gavin from the time he was about 16 months old (when Ty was diagnosed) until just about now… when I am finally starting to reemerge as a completely different (but still pretty rad) person.  And I am finally capable of being the Mom I want to be for him. I am able to enjoy him.  To make memories with my G-man.   During our long drives, I used to joke with Ty and say, “It’s you and me against the world, right Ty?”  Now I share that same joke with Gavin and it warms my heart.  Healing happens.  

24 comments:

  1. You are such a great mother.

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  2. This post made my heart very happy. I love to see hear that you are starting to find a little more joy in your days. It is such a strange thing to fall in love with a family you will never meet. I wish all the time that Ty's story had a happy ending but I never doubt that he is still with you. Gavin is a very lucky little man to have such an amazing family! Sending prayers as always!!

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  3. You and your Family are a True Inspiration. As often as I cry reading your posts I end this one with a Big Smile!

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  4. You are a pretty RAD person Cindy. I am sure Gaga sees that in you :-)
    Dad from OZ

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  5. You inspire me every single day.

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  6. You are an amazing mom and an inspiration to so many!!

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  7. XOXOXO - Donna T.

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  8. you are such an amazin mom!!! You give me hope in a world where I am as broken as a glass vase after falling off a tall counter. continue to embrace all the small moments...continue to celebrate your boys....continue to inspire!!!

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  9. Hoping you have more moments of peace like this amid the grief you walk with every day.

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  10. Just as I was thinking about my beautiful Ty I see a completely new photo of him. Thank you. Of course Gavin is your man, your precious beautiful boy who was sent to your to live you forever and to heal your forever broken heart. Ty has suffered tremendously. He was robbed of every simple ability to do things as play walk eat. Yet he smiled! What he endured is not possible to comprehend. I can guess but than it gets to painful to even think how much he suffered. I alway only try to remember his smiles. Love you baby boy.

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  11. Of course Gavin loves you forever, just like Ty!! This post warms my heart, to see that you are enjoying the little things (and people) in your life. Ty is smiling down on you and Gavin and Lou everyday, no doubt! You are a great Mom, Cindy. Blessings to you always.

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  12. Thank you for sharing 'hope' and inspiring us with every single post, Cindy!

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  13. I wanted to share that while I was putting up Christmas lights a few days ago I found a nest of lady bugs in my shrub. I was amazed to see so many. I grabed my phone to take pictures and my 2 year old daughter so she could see the little bugs. I thought of you and super Ty.

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  14. Sending you lots of love, Cindy!

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  15. Beautiful Mother, beautiful person, beautiful children. Love you Ty.. I feel damn lucky to know you.
    Love, Emily

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  16. Cindy Enjoy YourFamily..Don'tMissAnyMorE Time..NotJudging..May U Find peace

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  17. Cindy Enjoy YourFamily..Don'tMissAnyMorE Time..NotJudging..May U Find peace

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  18. You are the best mommy! Your boys were so blessed when God chose you to care for them! I think of your family always and only wish you great things ❤❤❤❤❤

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  19. It is like seeing new growth on a plant.. Hearing your joy as you are learning to live with immense sadness and beautiful strides. I never doubted you would be able to live this life. You a beautiful person.

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  20. I just want to hug you, Gavin and Lou until you feel the love I have for all of you and angel Ty <3 Always in my heart!

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  21. You are such a great Mom...person....etc. So happy to hear a lightness to your words. I'm amazed how you do so much -- with so much pain and so much joy. Always thinking of you all.

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  22. Cindy - I'm glad you have better days. I pray for you always. For you, your family and your angel baby.
    By the way your angel Ty visited me in my dreams last night again! For the second time! I woke up, my heart racing, it was such a vivid dream again.
    This time you were at the beach with Gavin near a light house. Someone was going to take a picture of you and Gavin, with the light house and the ocean as a background, and there was a beautiful sunset. The person did not take a picture, but took a video instead. When you were viewing the video you were shocked to see that Ty was there too! Playing in the waves, going in and out of the water - running! You knew this was a miracle because Ty was not among us anymore.
    This video made the headlines! Everyone was talking about it! That's how I came to find out - in the news. About that boy who died, but appeared in a family video at a later time!

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  23. Beautiful cindy.... I'm so happy you have Gavin💗

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