Sunday, November 3, 2013

Quiet day with the whole family

I say “whole” family because Ty was with me all day today.   From the second I woke up I was thinking of him.  I snuck out of my bed without waking the other boys, and quietly enjoyed a cup of coffee while thinking about Ty and looking at the beautiful picture of him in front of me on the counter.  I felt so at peace.  Sad, but at the same time his presence was very warm in my heart.  We had a group meeting with a medium at my mom's house on Friday night, it was incredible, so I was reflecting on all of that and feeling good.  There was a lot about Friday night that I will have to save for another post, but for now I can say it was a beautiful experience at just the right time, because I was coming undone just before that. 

Later this morning when I got dressed, I pulled out an old pair of jeans and put them on in an effort to decide whether or not it’s time for goodwill.  In the back pocket I found one of Ty’s Spiderman stickers from the hospital.  It crushed me and took me a while to shake it off.  I was immediately stuck in the hospital world, remembering all of those countless days, and wanting them back.  I envy the parents who get to lay in a hospital bed with their child and watch a cartoon while deciding what to order for lunch off the hospital menu.  To have an entire afternoon with nothing to do but snuggle that child.  I know, who would envy the parent of a kid with cancer (?) but there are some things about the day-to-day parenting experience with a sick child that are truly beautiful and simply incomprehensible to any outside observers.  Those days were so special to Lou and I and we would do anything to have them back. 

Gavin was doing some sticker art later today and he asked me to help him peel the backing off of one.  Wouldn’t you know it was one of the sparkley star stickers that Ty brought home from the hyperbaric oxygen chamber?  Every single day Ty would wear one on his shirt after his treatment, and he would always ask to bring one home to Gavin, too.  I guess I put a bunch of them in the sticker box, and it was such a treat to have that reminder, today.  I haven’t thought about those star stickers in a long time! 

Lou’s birthday is on Wednesday, so I spent over an hour on the computer watching videos of Ty in an effort to find one very special video of Ty saying his prayers with Daddy.  Gavin would often hear the videos and ask to jump up on my lap to watch a couple here and there.  I think he really enjoyed seeing Ty and him when he was younger.  At one point he got off my lap and slipped.  He hit his hand and started crying so I picked him up and he asked me to take him upstairs.  Of course, on the stairs right in front of us was a huge ladybug.  Impossible to miss :) We both watched her for a while before moving on to something else.  What a treat!!!  Thanks for the visit, again, Ty! 

On our way back downstairs Gavin was like, “Where did the ladybug go?”
“I don’t know, I guess she left.”
“What? But how could she leave if there are no open doors or windows?”
“The question is, how did she get in if there are no open doors or windows?”
Confused.  Then he gets it.  “Ty!” 

Then, after dark, I had to go outside to get a few things from my car.  I looked up, of course, and there were a bazillion beautiful stars above.  It’s been a while.  It was so quiet, and so beautiful.  They were all winking at me.  It was a great day. 

Before I go, I want to also share about Halloween.  You know, it turned out to be a really, really good day.  We have never really had a great trick-or-treating experience because either the kids were too young or Ty was too sick.  We would take them while it was still light out, barely any neighbors were even home, Ty lasted maybe ½ hour and we would go home so he could enjoy giving out the candy after dark when everyone came to our house.  This Halloween I realized that Gavin never really had a good Halloween because of that (not to mention no power the past two years), so we decided that we would meet up with some other kids and he would go trick-or-treating after dark.  I couldn’t believe how many kids were out in our neighborhood, and just how great everyone decorated for the occasion!  He got dozens of full size candy bars (what!?!?!) and one lovely neighbor even treated the grown-ups to a frosty beverage along the way (double what!?!?!?).  It was great! 

It doesn't really light up, that is a totally cool reflection of the flash
Gavin was "Iron Patriot."  There is a story behind the costume.  He had been telling Lou and I that he wanted to be Iron Spider for weeks.  He makes pretend he is Iron Spider all the time, and makes me be someone named "White Tiger."  I have never seen or heard of either, so I always imagined he was making all of it up.  He would tell me, "oh yes, Mommy, Tony Stark made an iron suit for Spiderman one time, and that's when he's being Iron Spider. And Iron Spider fights with White Tiger in the Ultimate Spider Man.  Not Spectacular Spider Man or Amazing Spider Man.  He's only in Ultimate Spider Man."  Clever, but I still wasn't buying it.  Then we were in Costco of all places and he almost hyperventilated when he saw a real Iron Spider costume.  I got so excited, too, because it was $15!  Done.  Or so I thought.  Then we had a party a couple of weeks before Halloween and he was so upset because the costume was very itchy.  A couple of days after that he came home from preschool and said that none of his friends like Iron Spider.  He needed a new costume.  I didn't budge on it for a while thinking he would get over it, but when I was away last weekend Nana and Daddy were on a mission to get him his next favorite costume, Iron Patriot.  I have to admit, he loved it so much.  I was so happy for him on every level this year.  Finally, Gavin gets to have a Halloween!  He is sad it's over already and told me to never get rid of his candy :)  He wants to keep it forever!

The next day we drove down to my mom's house for the medium party - more on that later - and Saturday morning we attended mass for All Souls Day.  Lou, Gavin and I went alone, we were given a candle for Ty, and it was really a nice tribute.  Later we had a foundation meeting, Gavin had a friends birthday party that afternoon and we got together with friends to celebrate Lou's upcoming bday on Saturday night - these past few days have been non-friggin-stop.  A piece of Halloween candy is calling my name and then it's off to bed for mama bear.  xoxo.


  1. Can't wait to read about the medium!! I'm glad it was a good experience. :)

  2. There have been mass Ladybug sittings in several states recently. Maybe Ty is making his way cross country.
    Take care@

  3. We love you all. So glad you all had a great Halloween with Gavin and that frosty beverage. <3

  4. I came across your blog this afternoon and have been so deeply moved by your and Ty's story. What a beautiful little man - you're right, his existence in itself is a miracle. I have never seen such happiness and love in a child's smile - you are amazing parents.

  5. Happy that Gavin had a great Halloween! He deserves it. Looking forward to hearing what the medium had to say.

  6. It made me so happy to hear that over the weekend you and Lou were able to connect with Ty in another way that brought a unique sense of peace. No matter what you may choose to share with us, this experience clearly was profoundly positive. xoxoxo

  7. Wow Cindy, this boy is here to forever keep your heart happy and your face smiling. He is the most thoughtful gentle loving boy any parent would wish for. I am so excited that he had an amazing Halloween. I was never into this holiday but since getting to know how Ty loved this day, I started to make it fun for my kids. All for superTy.
    I am so happy that you had few wonderful days. Can't wait to hear all the updates from your weekend. Miss you so much baby boy!

  8. I can't wait to hear about the medium...glad for some peaceful moments.

  9. I am so glad to hear that going to the medium has brought you some peace and a feeling of closeness with Ty. I am looking forward to hearing whatever you choose to share. Much love to you and your special boys. love, Lisa

  10. That is one awesome picture of Gavin! So happy to hear you had a good halloween!