Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Remembering the ride home


You know that the car is the place where I breakdown the most often.  When Ty was first diagnosed, it was a place I could go alone and scream my face off while driving around.  "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I would yell, "WHY?" I would scream, "NO! NO! NO! NOT TY?!?!?"

Over time, I got used to the fact that Ty had cancer.  As awful, painful, scary and unpredictable it all was, there was still a routine to it.  A very messed up, should never have to be this way routine that involved weekly and daily trips to the hospital, extended stays, emergency trips to urgent care, needle after needle after needle.  Procedure after procedure after procedure.  Setback after setback after setback.  But it was our life.  Our new normal.  Throughout all of this, the car transitioned from a place of solace for me to vent, to a place where Ty and I would spend some of our most treasured time together.  Just me and him and the open road.  I would often reach behind me and hold his warm little foot because he always had socks or slippers on - no shoes due to his inability to walk anyway.  He always joked that a bear was chasing us.  We played "I spy" all the time and sang songs together.  We were so in love and so connected we might as well have been sharing the same body.

It makes sense that the car has again become my lonely place to cry.  How can I drive these roads without looking for Ty in my rear view mirror?  Hearing the radio instead of his Max and Ruby DVDs.  I still don't understand how this happened.  We were supposed to beat this.  We were in this together, a team, and here I am left to live this life without the love of my life.

Last night I made a trip to the supermarket while Lou was putting Gavin to bed.  I hate it there because it was Ty's favorite place so I was already feeling lonely.  On my car ride home Natalie Merchant came over the radio.  "These are the days, to remember...."  I started crying, of course.  Thinking about how these SHOULD be the days.  How I used to be a young, smiling person who happily sang this song at the top of my lungs.   The best days of my life should be watching my small boys discovering new things, playing together and loving life.  Watching them grow up together.  Instead I am left watching Gavin, at what should be the most FUN AGE, and I can barely see through the cloud over my eyes, my smile is so often forced because my head is swimming with uncontrollable thoughts of what is missing instead of what is happening right in front of me.  I can't get past it.  When I watch Gavin go into hysterical laughter over something totally silly and ridiculous, the first thing I wonder is if Ty would have thought it was funny, too.  When I see Gavin trying to draw a circle and learn the letters in his name, I  recall how Ty struggled to draw after all of his setbacks, but never stopped trying.  They will forever be connected and I know that, but missing Ty like this - carrying the weight of this loss on my chest every second of every day -  makes it hard to feel better about anything.

"These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you."

It was a fitting ending to the song, especially given the fact that I was having a breakdown while listening to it.  I was completely giving in to the depression when these words reminded me that Ty has shown me he is okay, and I have seen the amazing things he can and will continue to do.  A few minutes later I snapped out of it by reminding myself how I truly am blessed and lucky.  That I got to be his mom even for five short years is the greatest blessing I could dream of.



This morning, again I found myself alone in the car during a long familiar drive into Westchester for a meeting. I couldn't stop thinking of our very last day in the hospital during the entire drive.  I was reliving the day we left to bring him home, knowing he was going to die there (but hoping and praying that by some miracle, he wouldn't).

He couldn't sit up in his car seat because he was having so much trouble swallowing his secretions.  He needed to be laying down so he could let them drain out of his mouth if necessary, instead of down his throat.  Lou and I were never going to call for an ambulance ride - enough was enough.  Instead, I sat in the back seat and cradled him the entire way home.  I realize how dangerous this is should we have gotten in an accident - but when you're taking your child home to die, none of that really matters.  It breaks my heart to see how swollen he was from being so sick and receiving so many fluids at the hospital.  To remember our sweet nurse taking off his bandages and "freeing him" from his needles for the last time.  I can still feel him in my arms.  I must have gently kissed the skin on that cheek, those lips, every single second during that car ride home.  If I wasn't kissing him, I was running my fingers through his hair ever so softly.  Brushing it out of his eyes.  Whispering "I love you so much!" the entire way.




I couldn't allow him to hear me sobbing, and I didn't want to shake and choke if I allowed myself to cry either because he was resting so nicely.  But there was no way of stopping the water from silently pouring out of my eyes.  It looked like I spilled a glass of water down both sides of my shirt.  Looking at this picture I took of him, I still can't believe that it came to this.  That all of this really happened.  I really can't.

In going back to read what I wrote before posting, I am realizing how heavy this all sounds.  And it is.  Heavy is an understatement.  So, before I sign off for the night let me leave you with this fun photo of Gavin to lighten it up just a little.  We went to a birthday party on Sunday, and he fell asleep with a lollipop in his mouth on the way home.  Ty would have been proud :)  Also, I posted a recent fortune cookie finding on Ty's Facebook yesterday.  "The greatest lever for change is awareness."  That's why I continue to write.  That's why I will always ask you to share his story.  Thanks for that undeniable and most appropriate message, Ty :)  XOXO.


62 comments:

  1. Jennifer Russo, Lake Grove, NYJanuary 9, 2013 at 12:28 AM

    I love the picture you posted of Ty in your arms. That's where he should still be - with you. This is too unfair and just too unbearable to accept. I'm so glad you continue to write and include us in this journey we call life. You continue to amaze us all with all you endure.

    The picture of Gavin is adorable. Thank you for sharing.

    Always thinking of sweet Ty. Sending him hugs and kisses to heaven.

    -Jennifer

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  2. Cindy you are incredible. You have more strength than I can even imagine a person having. Ty is so gorgeous it's beyond words. I am so sorry that cancer happened to Ty and your family. It's so unfair. Your words and Ty story are and will continue to make an impact. You have made me a better mother to my 20 month old daughter. Every day when I come home from work we make a point of stopping for a little treat (aka candy!) and I think of Ty. Thank you for your posts.

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  3. It's heavy but it's real and I would rather you get it out than bottle it up and pretend it isn't there. I wish none of this for you. I wish Ty was here to share his smiles and his love. I wish none of this had ever happened. I simultaneously hate and love the cliche everything happens for a reason - and it truly does - but I don't want there to be a reason for this and I want this undone. If I feel that never having met your sweet Ty, I can't imagine what you are really feeling and dealing with given that you are his Mommy and he is your greatest love.

    My heart is with you, Cindy. I wish you peace. Please keep letting this pain and grief out. I will always spread the word and I will always be a little piece of support in your cyberworld.

    Love,
    Lori

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  4. Sending a giant hug from one mommy to another... Much Love, Karen

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  5. sending hugs to you as well Cindy - Ty was the best boy and every day I wish that this had never happened to him. He is such a beautiful boy - thank you for sharing pics of him - how could you not have covered him in kisses and whispered words of love over and over. We're here to support you as you keep fighting in his honor - SuperTy always and forever. I'll fight right along with you - I'm here for the long haul. Loving the picture of sweet Gavin sleeping with a lollipop - too funny. Hope you get some rest - all the best to you, Lou and Gavin. Love to you too Ty....

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  6. Ty knows what an amazing Mommy he has, please know how much comfort that brought him. I am so sorry for his suffering and your suffering. So so sorry. Every moment of every day. I also scream and cry at the sky on your behalf, for what you have had to endure. I am here, holding space for you, Cindy, like so many others. Holding space in our hearts and praying for moments of peace amidst the pain. Breathe in breathe out. Some days that is all you need to do.

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  7. My heart is full for all of you. So sad. So unfair. So true.

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  8. as always...thanks for sharing. despite the circumstance for the blog, i look forward to reading your posts. it makes me more and more thankful for two healthy children.

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  9. You are all a family of super heroes as far as I'm concerned. God bless.

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  10. Cindy - I'm constantly thinking of and praying for you and your family. I always hope and pray for moments of peace for you and for the ability to enjoy life with Gavin despite the huge missing peice of your family. Ty is always there, even though we all wish he was physically there instead. Keep looking for the ladybugs and shafts of light, and we will all keep you in our thoughts and prayers forever.

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  11. Ty is so precious. I always think of you all and will continue to do so. I can't wait to see what changes occur in 2013 for pediatric cancer!!

    Pam

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  12. My heart is heavy for you, Cindy, and my eyes full of tears as I read this post. I am so so sorry that you had to go through this. I never prayed so hard for a miracle for anyone EVER and it just breaks my heart that Ty did not survive. But I know that Ty's legacy will live on and pediatric cancer awareness will continue to be raised by you sharing your story with all of us, as difficult as it is. FU Cancer!!!

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  13. Wow, is the word that comes to mind when I read your post(s). It is just so gut wrenching to hear your pain, read your emotion....and, to know that SO many others feel just a slight bit of what you feel as they have grown to LOVE Ty as I surely have.

    Don't ever stop blogging about Ty and cancer. I still read daily as I have for a couple of years now. You have so many followers around the world and I hope one day there will be more pediatric cancer awareness than there seems to be now.

    My (almost) 3 yr. old still prays for Ty each night. Every time he says ...and, Ty....I just wanna cry. I am so sorry Ty had to leave us, to leave you. As you said, it just doesn't seem real.

    Love from Georgia,
    Jan

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  14. As I sit in a chair getting my hair colored, I am sobbing. My heart aches for you. Nobody deserves such pain, nobody should have to bury their children. You are such a wonderful person, spreading awareness, educating other families and most important raising the funds in Ty's name to find a cure! I would probably be in the fetal position in my bed, not functioning....you are still fighting, you are fighting for the other children....you and Ty are both super hero's. Not a day has passed that I dont wonder how you are doing and how Gavin is doing. To see him taking a ski lesson was so awesome! You, lou and Gavin are a wonderful family and together you will find forever happiness. God bless you! Oxox
    Tonya

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  15. It shouldn't be this way. I wish there was something I could do for you. I think you and and Ty often...

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  16. I heard the sone 'Yellow' by Coldplay today and sat in the car crying thinking of the love song you made for Ty. You are one amazing mommy. I will never stop remembering Ty--and talking about him to eveyone I know. This has been a hard journey for you but God gave it to you because of your strength. Not many of us could do what you have done and continue to do. I'm not sure I could have.
    Your family is constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
    Jennifer from NC

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  17. Hi Cindy,

    I had the pleasure of meeting you yesterday afternoon at Mizzentop, my two boys and I were dropping off for the fundraiser. There was so much that I wanted to say, but I didn't want keep you, and most of all I did not want to bring you back to a sad place if you were having a good day.

    I wanted to tell you how many tears I have shed for Ty and your family, and all you have been through. You met my boys, who were born around the same times, so what happened to Ty hit me very hard. Sharing Ty's story has woken so many of us up and given us the STRENGTH and MOTIVATION to take action. We are the army behind you ready to fight and prevent this from happening over and over. Where I am in Bethel, CT a family lost Alexa in November who was 1 years old, and in Danbury 4 year old girl Mackenzie is losing her battle who has been fighting for over a year. I have asked God so many times "why is this happening and why couldn't these children have received the miracles they needed?? I pray for your family's comfort and to Ty every night. I only hope to make him proud by honoring his memory and funding the research needed to fight this cruel and horrific disease.

    I wanted to tell you how much I cherished having my SuperTy ornament on my tree this year. And also that I am planning a pajama day at my sons pre-school, but has been postponed since our school was sadly impacted by Sandy Hook and are slowly recovering. I continue to pray for all of these children, all gone too soon. In addition, Ty is a reminder to me to be the best mother I can be at all times, and to cherish every single second of our lives on this earth.

    Thank you again for sharing Ty with us, it is so incredible to love a little boy so much who I have never met, he has has done more good on this earth than he will ever know! Thank you for the photos of Ty and Gavin, they are so precious! And the photo of the rainbow on the mountaintop..WOW.

    Looking forward to the Muddy Puddles Project, All Hands On Deck :)

    With love,
    Melissa Sylvia Parrish

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  18. as i sit at work and look for your newest update i still cry and miss Ty! I never thought Ty would die i just knew he would beat this. i am so sorry that all i can do is write. if there was anything i could do believe me i would and everyone else who loves Ty.
    Bridget
    Baltimore Md
    xoxo

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  19. Cindy,

    You are such a beautiful and inspirational person. I love reading your words and hearing more and more about Ty and your whole family. Though I'm always brought to tears reading your posts, by the time I am done I am smiling and thankful to have read them.

    Words can never express how sorry I am for what Ty, you, Lou and Gavin have been through, but I thank God that you are sharing your thoughts and inspiration with the world. I pray that your message continues to reach those worldwide who can help you make a difference in the cruel world of childhood cancer. I send you love, strength and gratitude.

    Audrey

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  20. Sarah from ScotlandJanuary 9, 2013 at 11:46 AM

    Ty is truly remarkable! Although not here on earth with us all, he remains such a powerful individual with his story and how hard he fought and continued to smile. I look for your blog everyday and Ty will always have a very special place in my heart. Much Love x

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  21. It doesn't seem possible that Ty is not with us here on earth. He is still teaching us so much. I wish this all had a different outcome and that he was making trips to the grocery store with you, Cindy. I cry so much for you and Lou and Gavin. Hugs and tears from NC.

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  22. I cannot begin to express how sorry I am that you are not physically with the love of your life. I love your family very much. I have never met any of you but pray for you daily. You have made me want to be such a better Mom. I try everyday in memory of your sweet boy. Life changed for me the day you lost your sweet, sweet angel. As it did for so many others that have never meet Ty. You are a beautiful inspiration to us all. Much love. Geraldine

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  23. I have no words for you as none would be strong enough, but I think that you get the point. I'm so, so sorry that there had to be a last ride home for you. Sorry does not suffice, but it will have to because I can't think of a stronger word. Ty's still here in so many ways that it's hard to believe that he's not here in the most important way. Just, I'm so, so sorry. My heart is shattered for you. Love from Westport MA.
    -Samantha Murphy

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  24. I have only been reading about Ty and your family for the last two months, but I can tell you that I think and pray for you all every day. I pray that God brings you the comfort that you deserve and hopefully lessens the pain of your loss. No one deserves to go through any of this, and I hope that by spreading the awareness of childhood cancer, you are going to bring even more honor to Ty's name. May God bless you and your family.

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  25. My heart breaks for you when I read your story. I appreciate my life and my kids all the more because of your story. You are an amazing mom, Ty smiled all the time because he has such great parents, you made him feel safe and so so loved. Unfortunately all this pain is part of the healing process as you move on with Ty forever in your heart and mind. It is unfair, it is awful, this should not be something you should be going through and hopefully through Ty's organization you will save many families from the heartache that you are going through. Amazing amazing amazing is who you are and what you are doing. Stay strong and don't be afraid to cry or feel sad (or feel very mad), you need to do it to get stronger.

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  26. Cindy,

    Thank you for posting that beautiful picture of Ty on your lap. I am so very sad you all have had to go through this, but grateful in that because of this I now know you and your lovely family and my family is now dedicated to sharing Ty and joining you in spreading awareness and finding a cure for all childhood cancers. You continue to amaze me with your strength and openness about your whole journey. There are no words to express how you are now a part of my days always and how much I care for you and your family.

    It isn't fair...but you dear lady have done so much already by helping me to take the time to pray for you and other families who are going through such sorrows. I will continue to share your sons story with others and to do my best to raise awareness. Just remember...though you may feel alone, you are not. While I cannot understand your pain fully, I do feel your sorrow. Please know that, eventually, you will see more joy than sorrow when you go through your days. Just keep reaching for the rainbows and ladybugs. They will always be there for you.

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  27. While reading this latest post I am struck by how strong you are to be able to write the way you do. The way you speak of him and your love for him is so beautiful and it touches my heart so deeply that it brings me to tears. Its not just the sadness but the beauty that comes from loving someone so much. Its the same reason that I am often driven to tears as I watch my babies sleep. I am so sorry for your loss and I am so inspired by you. I share Ty's story when ever I can.

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  28. My heart aches for you! I will think of you and SuperTy forever!!!!! You have made me a better mother to my 2 young sons. I know this doesnt change anything but Ty has changed my life. Keep posting we will keep reading about Ty.

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  29. Ty's story will do so much for others.... I can never imagine your pain...Hugs XO

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  30. Cindy - we never met but I feel like I know you from your so incredibly honest, thoughtful and emotional posts. I also feel like I know Ty and I have shed many tears while reading about his journey. I look at my 2 and a half year old son and remember you and Ty and your family and I pray. I also, thanks to you and Ty encourage his jumping in muddy puddles whenever he can. I used to be the mom that was all, "no, don't do that, you will get dirty." Or the mom who would not want the bathroom to get all wet from too much splashing in the bath. Or I would say "no more" after 4 bedtime books. Now, thanks to you and Ty....we get dirty and muddy whenever we see a puddle. My bathroom, my hair and clothes are usually drenched at bathtime now and I don't care. And when he asks for one more story before bed and my husband shoots me a look...I tell him that there are parents out there who would do anything to read just "one more" story to their children....and so I do.
    Thank you for sharing and fighting and for showing what it is to truly love your child. I would rather you never had to go through this - but the good you are doing is such a blessing. I wish you much love and healing.
    - a Mom

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  31. cindy... as usual.. i'm sending my love and strength your way....If I were in your shoes, I would also call Ty the Love of my Life....We love you Cindy and we miss Ty!

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  32. All I can do is pray for your healing. Your poor heart, soul and body have been through so much. I am so sorry. I wish so much things were different and that Ty never got sick. I now pray so hard for you, Lou and your family. God bless you with love and light.

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  33. I know that you already know this, but Ty and your love story is worth every single solitary tear. I don't think you should call this giving in to depression--this is grief, love. Grief because your baby boy died--he was robbed of the beautiful life he should have had. I am so sorry. I will continue to check in, to pray, to think about you, Lou, Gavin and of course Super Ty. With Ro Love Always. Melissa

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  34. Cindy, I can't imagine what you have been through. I love Ty so much and I don't even know him.

    My daugher's bday was December 22nd, which was a windy cold day. My husband bought her balloons and had the unfortunate task of taking them out to the car. The huge Hello Kitty balloon broke from it's string and went flying. Thankfully, the store gave him another one. When we told her the story, she said Ty is now playing with it and I'm glad that it happened. He is now having fun on my birthday too.

    We are always thinking about Ty..everyday when I look at my son, I wish you could be looking at Ty and enjoying the love of your life (I always call my son the "love of my life" btw). I feel Ty is with you always and you will be together again but I am so sad for the unbearable pain you are feeling now.

    Sending you all my love.

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  35. Cindy and Lou,

    My continued prayers to your family. Reading about ty certinly touched my heart. Seeing him in Jets gear made me smile and broke my heart at the same time. I can say we are so glad to have a fan like Ty.

    God Bless you.

    Andy Crane
    NY Jets

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  36. "We were so in love and so connected we might as well have been sharing the same body." - Yes...the minute I read this I knew exactly that depth of love - you are an amazing writer Cindy but I know your inspiration flows from your beautiful Ty (and Gavin) - I am blown away by your honesty. I appreciate it so much. I have two 'healthy' kids. My life will forever be devoted to battling pediatric cancer and forever the fight will be in honor of your Ty and all the other kids in the fight. Sending you warmth and peace from New York City, Rachel (mother of a 3 yr old boy and 6 yr old girl)

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  37. Every single time I read your posts it brings me back to earth. As a mom to a beautiful 10 month old girl, I often forget to just stop amid all the chaos and appreciate the simple blessing in my life. I will hug and kiss my baby an extra time for Ty tonight.

    He is truly an angel. God bless him and your family.

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  38. Cindy I saw a ladybug the other day and I screamed Ty came to visit me.There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of that beautiful lil face and smile..he lives in our hearts forever this one lil boy who we never met but fell in love with and its because of you Cindy.You are amazing and strong and so honest and god choose you to be Ty's mom for that reason.Love the picture of you holding him so beautiful.Be strong Ty is smiling down on you everyday..

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  39. What a beautiful post. Ty is lucky to have you as his mommy forever....

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  40. I'm so sorry....this is so unfair. God bless you and your handsome boys...

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  41. :( gut wrenching. This kills me. I am so sorry for your pain. Peace & love, Lora

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  42. My first born boy who is now 10 is also the love of my life. I have a husband and daughter that I love so dearly but they are just all such different loves. My husband says Sunny (our daughter) can do no wrong because she and dad have that special bond just like I do with our son. I love my daughter and she is such a wonderful person, she is nicer tempered, better at writing and drawing and just a funny magical girl but the love I have for her is different because she is different. My son is connected to me and needs to be and my daughter is a free spirit and needs to be. I love them the same amount just differently. I understand you Cindy. Please don't worry abut the haters. Being angry and hating someone is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person will die. Whoever wrote the nasty comment is just sad and angry, nothing to do with you.
    Alison from Australia
    By the way Ty is just so beautiful.

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    Replies
    1. Perfectly said.♡

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    2. Perfectly said.♡

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  43. WOW that was heavy. It brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine what you are going through. I thought of TY today. It has been raining the past 2 days. Puddles everywhere. Today picking up my kids from school my 8 year old son walked right through one instead of walking around it like his 7 year old sister. Instead of me screaming I just let him do it. He did that to 5 more puddles. Oh I wish TY could have done that. Stay strong.....

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  44. Indeed that was heavy! And it brought tears to my eyes too and I haven't been crying for a while. The pic of Ty smiling made me smile cause he had an infectious smile but the pic of you carrying Ty in your arm immediately made me cried, Ty looked so sweet and innocent and made me go "damn!..how can he no longer be in this world with his parents who love him so so much"

    And the pic of Gavin just made me laugh so much, so cuteeee....

    Cindy, fight on!

    Sending all my love all the way from Singapore
    Vivienne

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  45. Hello,

    Many thanks for continuing to share Ty's & all of your family's courageous & heartbreaking journey.

    Ty's courage was ( and will always be ) an inspiration for me. " SuperTy " was a real " Profiles in Courage. "

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with Ty & all of his family.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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  46. People should be blocked from commenting.. I only have a daughter so I don't "know" that mother/son bond... but Ty looks so cute and peaceful in that picture.

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  47. It is clear that Ty got his incredible spirit from his parents. Cindy, your strength goes beyond being able to write despite the grief you feel - you truly are SuperTy's mom and always will be (& Gavin's too).

    I think of Ty daily, as well as your family. Although little comfort can be found in a situation like this, please know you are in our thoughts always and we will continue to always support Ty to honor him.

    Love,
    Linda S.

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  48. Your honesty is Incredibly heartbreaking and we all ache with you. When you are at your lowest of moments throughout the day, please know how much positive change you have brought to the lives of families all over the world. I am a better mother for knowing of Ty's battle. I have a greater appreciation for the simple beautiful moments each day. My three boys are a gift and the little things are noticed more and more since I started following your tragic story.
    My youngest - Liam is 2 and "super Liam" - just had his second trip to the ER in three weeks. I took in all in stride (even the 13 stitches in his toes) , knowing this will pass. I thought of Ty over and over and always do.
    I imagine you could have done without being the "poster child" of more appreciative mothers and pediatric cancer awareness. I hope we can all turn our prayers for Ty into prayers for your healing. I pray you find your way out of the dark hole. Only you can get yourself out of it and seeing your strength thus far... I've no doubt you'll get there.
    Prayers and hugs and thanks to you and your family.
    Christine in New Jersey

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  49. Cindy:
    It has been awhile since I responded. It does not mean I have left you - just hold you in my heart along with Lou, Gavin and always Ty. I prayed for your family special on Christmas Eve. Please do not let those who have not walked in your shoes get to you. I understand what you are saying and those are your feelings, those of us who love you know you love Lou and Gavin no less, just different. You have lived your hell and I feel you for now keep one foot in just trying to survive. I have so many questions for God when I am given the opportunity to touch his face and one will be to understand Ty taking his journey earlier than you wanted.

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  50. What an amazing post. Once again, you and Ty have reminded me to appreciate all that I have and be thankful for every day with my family. Thank you, Ty.

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  51. Hi Cindy, As always I look forward to your every post. It is so bittersweet, the palpable pain you and your family carry in your hearts, and at the same time, the incredible memories of Ty you each carry in your minds. Those special moments spent with our lost loved ones carry us through, even though it hurts so much because the loves of our lives should be still here with us and not only imprinted in our thoughts. Oh, Cindy you have helped me so much to confront and accept the death of my precious Dad a year ago.(Of course, to colon cancer) I felt today exactly what you described in your post, how I can't get past it. But my Dad was 81 years old when he passed away. And when I read what you write each day and am witness to your amazing strength and stoic nature,after losing a 5 year old to this heinous disease,
    then my heart and soul stills as I accept my loss and my prayers and good wishes turn to you and your family as you endure these trying days. God bless you, Lou and Gavin with all good things in the future. You have been through enough. Ty sends his love with ladybugs, and my Dad soothes me with butterflies. I hope that continues for a long time. It is sooo comforting! Thank you again. Love and hugs from a close stranger.




























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  52. Cindy, I think of you, your family and Ty daily. Those sweet sweet pictures of Ty bring tears to my eyes but they are so special. He is so loved in Heaven and Earth. That is pretty special. And I love that pic of Gavin :) priceless. Ty was definitely laughing at that one!!! :)
    Love, Sharon

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  53. That anonymous person who wrote the rude, heartless message...please do not write anymore on this blog. Your messages are not welcome thank you.
    I apologize Cindy and for the rest of us who have been following this blog but people like this need to be put in their place. Comments like that are not needed here. We are with you Cindy all the way. I love seeing pictures of Ty smiling and I'm positive he is smiling up in heaven. This post really touched me and it does show a grieving mother, father and brother. May God Bless your family.

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  54. I can't never ever ever imagine this Cindy. Taking home your baby to die while he is in your hands completely not aware that he was given a death sentence. I will never stop talking about Ty reading your blog commenting and saying that you are the most amazing woman in the world because just to say you are so blessed being in your shoes is so amazing. I admire you and your family and I can't stop looking at Ty especially at this sad picture where he is so peaceful but in such suffering. I sometimes think how you held his dead body and spent the night with him and it's just so so sickening but amazing at the same time. Lou and Gavin are lucky to have you as a mom and gig are lucky to have the, in your life. I miss you so much Ty. I'm so sorry. Also Cindy I wanted to tell you that I wrote a very mean post reply under that rude person who blamed you and I don't regret it because that person deserves it :)

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  55. Cindy, the picture of Ty asleep on your lap in the car just melted my heart into a puddle and then made it ache. What an innocent, sweet angel baby. I just don't have the eloquent words you have to express how it is beyond unfair that he had to suffer the way he did and now is no longer here. I just wanted to let you know that you all are always in my heart and I will keep Ty in my heart forever. Thank you for continuing to share your beautiful boy. We are all here supporting you.

    With Love,

    Lisa K.
    Latham NY

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  56. So heart wrenching! Your words made me cry again. There's no denying every word you write has so much emotion in it, you take me right there feeling your pain, feeling your love, just feeling! You were both like one and now it just seems so wrong for him to not be here physically with you. I love your writing heavy or not so please never stop. Ty is special in so many ways and so are you!

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  57. I didn't see the mean post and I'm so thankful I didnt. I am Cindy's friend. I held Ty when he was one week old. I visited him in the hospital when he was so sick. He was the most beautiful child I've ever known. The reason he was so kind was because if his beautiful, selfless parents. Do not EVER bring negativity to this blog again. God bless the Campbells and God bless Ty.

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  58. Cindy, I think about your family often. This post really put a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes. I hope you know that I, like so many others, live differently because of Ty. I take time with my daughter, I don't rush, or get frustrated often at all. I relish every moment, for I know you would give anything to have your baby back. I don't take a single second for granted....and I have Ty to thank for that. I will never forget him because of your words, and because he changed my perspectibe. Every lady bug, or superhero. He has made me a better person. A better mom.

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  59. I should have been researching about the journey of the red blood cell for my homework, when I stumbled upon this. I cannot explain how much I feel grateful to have a happy, healthy nearly 5 year old brother, and an 8 year old brother. I know this seems awful, I would not wish it on my worst enemy, but atleast one good thing has come out of your horrific ordeal. Atleast you know how valuable Gavin's life is now, and you know that you should spend every minuit with him. As hard and traumatic as this is, remember Ty wouldn't want you to be sad. Ty would want you too be out in the sun playing with Gavin. I pray that Ty will be happy in heaven, everyone who reads this now say a prayer. If all of us do, maybe someone up there will see us, and maybe Ty will give a little smile.

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  60. Hello, I stumbled upon your site today and have been impacted more than I can express by your family's story and by your son's life. I took care of my dad as he battled and then sadly as he ended his battle with brain cancer (GBM) two years ago, and, as difficult as that was, I can't even start to imagine how hard it must be for you to have gone through what you did (and still are). I appreciate and admire your perspective; thank you for sharing your touching story.

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