A few weeks before Christmas, I was sobbing when I told Lou that I was at a loss for a gift. Every year I try to have the boys make him something special. Those are the best gifts. It was so hard for me to buy him something this year because I didn't have anything new from Ty, and I never will again. For his birthday I found a card in my closet that Ty had me buy during one of our Supermarket jaunts. He just thought it was funny because when you opened it it "croaked" the happy birthday song. I didn't buy it for anyone in particular, I bought it because Ty liked it. When I came across it in November, it was the most special thing I could give to Lou on his birthday (of course, explaining why I had the card).
For Christmas, I ended up getting him a gift certificate for a tattoo because I know he wants to honor Ty with one. He was surprised and he loved it.
Then, I opened one of my gifts.
This laminated picture arrived in the mail the day after I cried to Lou about not having any new artwork from Ty. One of his most thoughtful, kind, soft-spoken teachers at Blythedale came across something Ty had colored (with my help) and she was amazing enough to mail it to us. Lou never opens mail like that, but on that day he did and it couldn't have been more perfect. This was my best Christmas gift imaginable.
You all know that I used to stay up for hours and hours every night reading up on other cancer kids, trying to compare protocols and uncover life-saving treatments for Ty. There are countless children who struggle through years of chemo and other harsh treatments. They finally win and enjoy a year, two years, five years cancer free, only to have the cancer come back and ultimately kill them. Pictures of little kids holding up signs like, "Battling sarcoma for the fifth time". Kids have cancer for years and years and years. For life. I used to say that if Ty was going to suffer fighting this evil disease for years upon years, only to die in the end, then I don't want him to fight anymore. Well, I take it back. Even if it meant more treatments, more hospital stays, more infections and more surgeries... I would take it. Any time with Ty, I want it more than you can imagine. I realize how selfish this statement is. It is a totally bad mom thing to say and if I really had the choice I don't know what I would do... but I'm just telling you this as a true expression of how much I miss every day with him. Even the very worst of days. I miss them because I was able to hold him, kiss him, feel his hair in between my fingertips, hear his voice, put vaseline on his lips. He was real and he was here and I can't believe I am left here to live the rest of my life without him.
I mentioned before what a gift it is to come across new old photos of Ty. The collection from Mely was my second best Christmas gift this year because I have pictures like this that I have never seen before. This face just makes me happy. It really does. Pictures don't make me sad, unless they are photos of Ty when he was hurting. Pictures like this make me so happy. I can look at them all day and just smile.
Before I go... a quick call to action. Since "causes" became a part of Facebook, we have all been completely bombarded with petitions. All of them sounding great, but after a while you start to wonder if they even mean anything or accomplish anything. That, I still don't know the answer to (meaning, what the heck happens with all these petitions??), but I do know that Maya Thompson is legit and she started a petition to turn the white house gold in September. Simultaneously, I hope Ty's foundation can do the same with the Empire State Building :) Please take the time to sign her white house petition because I know she is the real deal, and who wouldn't want to see the kids getting this kind of attention from the most influential place of all? This is not a causes.com petition but one that is hosted on another website called "we the people". It requires registration, but the cause is worth the extra step. Thank you.
HERE'S THE LINK
PS - Some of you may have noticed a negative comment following my last blog post (and thank you to those who stuck up for me). I debated it and ultimately decided to delete the post in an effort to keep this a kind, loving vehicle to honor Ty. My posts are filled with my honest emotions so I don't want to filter your honest reactions, however, I do believe that anyone who questions my love and devotion to Lou and Gavin probably hasn't been reading about our family for very long.