I can't tell you how humbled I am by all of the amazing and heartfelt nominations. Your support is what keeps me going, and tonight it has made me so happy during my saddest days. Your words are so incredibly kind that I am embarrassed because I know that it is Ty alone who is wonderful, amazing and UNSTOPPABLE. I am just a crazy lady who doesn't deserve such accolades, but I truly appreciate all of the wonderful things that you have written about me and my family. Thank you just isn't sufficient. I wish there was a way to say it better, but the best I can do is a large font, all caps, giant shout-out at the top of my lungs:
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! :)
We all miss Mely. Look how much they love each other. Gavin has been doing really well though, thank God, and keeping Lou and I entertained. He is such a good boy, and he has such a great energy. Like any kid, he just LOVES to have fun, and he has been changing so much over the past few months. He's growing up so fast, and saying the cutest things imaginable. This awesome batman doll was a gift to Ty when we first moved to Pawling in Dec. 2010. Gavin was a toddler and much smaller than Batman. Look at him now! Makes me happy and sad at the same time.
We had so much fun today. I took him to the office for a few hours and he was such a good boy (until he had a meltdown at the end over an inappropriate you-tube spiderman video). I had a couple of young volunteers come in, and we got so much done! We also had a huge conference table delivered by a loving family who have been huge supporters of the foundation. We are ready to do big things at the TLC Foundation!! I love walking into that office and seeing Ty everywhere. It is my favorite place to be and every day goes by too quickly when I'm there. There is never enough time to get through my email and do all the things I want to do! Which is a really good problem to have.
When we came home, I was watching Gavin eat his lunch and I couldn't stop staring at him. Thinking about how much I love him. I asked him "do you know who my favorite little boy is?" and he answered, "TY AND ME!" I was so proud of him, that he included his brother like that without missing a beat. I hope it is always like that. That Lou and I are able to keep Ty's memory alive in our family without ever making Gavin or any future children feel less important. Future children, by the way, remains undecided between Lou and I. For those of you have mentioned it to us, thank you so much for your faith in our ability as parents, and we do have so much love to give, but we are just hurting too much right now to be rational about that yet. Time will tell.
I have been fighting a cold, and tonight I have a nagging cough. I am breathing shallow to avoid coughing as much as possible, and I can't stop thinking about my poor baby Ty and all he went through. I can't get the sound of his garbled breathing out of my mind. How for months he couldn't swallow his secretions well and his breathing was so compromised. I think about how uncomfortable I am right now and can't help but imagine how much worse it must have been for him. Not just when his breathing was difficult, but there are so many different phases of suffering he experienced over those 2+ years.... that reality and those memories are the only things that help me to be grateful that he is finally free. It helps me to put my selfish needs aside - my need to hold him and hear his voice - and feel better knowing he is free. He is soaring. He is happy. He simply has to be or life would lose all meaning to me. Look at this beautiful face. God's work.
I can't wait until I am with him and I can understand all of this, but until then I promise you that I will enjoy Lou and Gavin and whatever my future holds. But I am not afraid to die. Not one bit. I promise to love and appreciate the life that is ahead of me, but I also welcome the day that I can see my angel baby again.
Thank you for my signs, Ty. They make me so happy. I worry about you constantly. It feels so wrong not knowing where you are or what you are doing. Then you send me something beautiful and I know everything is okay. You are and always will be the best good boy in the whole wide world.